All Comments on 'My First and Last Love'

I liked the story very much. I loved the tenderness, and figured it out just before the 2nd page. I liked also how everyone, killed each other. I would love to see another like it. It was very well written.

It's very hard to read a story like this. The mixture of first-person and limited third-person narration is hard to follow: I kept having to change around. This story desperately needs a rewrite, because it's excellent otherwise.

Changes in POV within a story are okay, so long as there are demarcations; but within a sentence?

Example: "All right but just for a little while," I replied, turning and pointing the key fob at his car and seeing it turn off and shut down completely."

Now, unless there was another person involved, that makes no sense.

This needs explaining and cleaning up, and probably re-writing. I suggest an editor. 0 Stars for this one.

But I agree about the first/third person thing being confusing. It only made sense at the end.

Hi,

I am grateful to any and all comments from those that reads this.

I know that it needs work as does my writing style for this type of genre and this was the sole reason for coming here. I am trying to find out what I am doing wrong and learn to do write it correctly. Probably unlike most writers, I find that you can only grow if you can get comments from others more knowledgeable than yourself on your works.

Feel free to explain what I did wrong and where. I will try to correct this in my next story I submit.

Thank you all.

I see and agree with you all about the first and third person viewpoints now. I should have stuck to third person where I write most of my other fiction.

This was my first try at first person and it really shows, lol. I really need a lot of work doing first person.

Odd how you never know something until someone points it out to you at times.

Thanks, I'll keep to third person in the next story.

Reguardless of the changing perspective it was alot of fun. and i found the perspective easy to understand since the chars were easy in themselves to understand.

the story idea was great since there was an air of mystery to it...who was the guy, why was he hired, who was the other guy, why did he hire guy 1...and so many other questions, thank you for giving me a fun story too think about it was great :D

An interesting experiment, but a failed one, for me anyway.

I kept wondering if the first/third person shifts in perspective were an attempt at something clever, or just incompetence. grammar and punctuation errors (such as "her's" rather than "hers") made me suspect it was the latter, but I read through to the end and found it was actually both.

Sorry to be so negative, but I feel that my time was wasted. Best of luck with your future efforts.