My Need: Crossdressing

Dear Wife:

There was a list of things, my peculiar fetishes, that you said you were struggling to understand and accept. I hope that this note, my second of its kind, helps you get your head around another of my quirks.

All I ask is that you hear me out, at least try to read all of this before galvanizing your opinion of me. And believe that I am opening up to you here, there's no other agenda, I'm hiding nothing at this point. There's no benefit to hiding, I have reconciled who I am and I have accepted it. I've achieved my peace with this "demon" and we're on good terms. Don't look for deeper meaning, it just doesn't go any further than what I am writing here.

Years ago I started wearing panties. It was a stressful time for me and for some reason, a youthful memory appealed to me and offered me comfort. You see, while I was trapped at home I explored your panty drawer and found one pair that fit me, albeit too snugly to be comfortable. And I was so scared, scared I would tear the panties and you would find out, that I began thinking about buying my own.

Over a few days I wore those panties, a mint green bikini pair with white lace scalloped trim. They came in a set with a matching bra, garter belt, and white fishnet stockings. I put them on for progressively longer time each day, and like all addicts needed more. I added the stockings and garter belt on the third day. The bra was impossible, though I admit that I tried.

And as I wore this outfit it felt good, it felt liberating, and for the briefest of moments I completely escaped the burdens of being me. And if it was good for an hour or two around the house, how great would it be to wear panties for the whole day, to be able to have them beneath my clothes wherever I went?

But over time I realized that I was going to destroy them and you were going to find out or notice them missing, so I resolved to get my own lingerie. So I shopped the circulars in the weekend paper and found a special that I couldn't resist. A local department chain had a special on plus size Vanity Fair full coverage sheer nylon briefs, buy two and get one free. So I went...

It was stressful, not something I had ever done but something I desperately wanted to do. I knew as I walked in and made my way to the lingerie aisle that everyone was looking and everyone knew why I was there. So I moved quickly, getting the largest size, two pairs in black and one in white, and made a beeline for the registers. I know the clerk knew my purpose, I'm sure she could see my flushed complexion and the cold sweat on my face. I know because I could see her slight smirk.

I raced back to the car, back to our home, and couldn't get the panties on quickly enough. I stripped down and put on a black pair and was magically transformed. The feeling I got brought back all of my memories from my youth...

You see, when I was young I found a pair of my mother's clean briefs and snuck them to my room. They were white nylon with red-and-blue elastic at the waistband and legs. They were thick and silky and the feel of them on my skin was the most amazing feeling I'd ever had. It was nothing like the rough cotton boy underwear that I wore every day. These panties were magical and somehow I felt more excited and more relaxed all at once. To this day I swear that it had nothing to do with the panties being my mother's, it was all about the fit and feel of the material against my skin and the naughty thoughts racing through my mind.

I felt that again and I liked it. It made me feel - not feminine, but less masculine. I wasn't trying to be a woman, but I didn't want to be a macho man, and how could I be in panties? It felt good, it was comforting shedding masculine armor for feminine panties.

I hid the panties from you for a few years, but I wore them occasionally, as much as I dared. I laundered them by hand, probably why I still have them almost twenty years later. I wore them as I watched you transition from briefs to thongs and I envied you. There was nothing more beautiful and more feminine than your beautiful round ass framed in a thong. I was so jealous!

But your thongs wouldn't fit me, they were so small and so delicate that there was no way I could wear them without destroying them. So I went back to work, doing my research, and I found a national chain that specialized in fashion for large, plus sized women who craved style. And they had a whole line of underwear and lingerie!

My first trip was when they had a special on five pairs of panties. I bought two thongs, two g-strings, and a pair of briefs. Black and red were the colors of the day, but I saw so many others I wanted! I bought two different sizes, determined to find the perfect fit.

When I got home I hurriedly stripped off my clothes, removed the tags and tried on each pair. I figured out the best size for me of each type and quickly realized that thongs were super comfortable for my day wear. The g-strings made me feel sexy, though they couldn't contain me very well. I wore panties every day, all the time as much as I could, hiding them from you, not sure how you would react.

I guess, like a criminal wanting to get caught, it was only a matter of time. I had worn a black thong with my blue jeans one day. When we got home, I was able to strip down in the bathroom, putting my thong panties in the pocket, and heading to bed with you. The next day, not thinking about it, I let you gather dirty laundry for the wash and you grabbed up my jeans. Imagine my discomfort later that day, when you were folding clean laundry and pulled my thong out of the pile, holding it up in front of me.

"What the fuck are these?!" you barked.

This was the moment of truth and I quickly made the decision to own it. I told you everything and you made me bring them all out. My thongs, my g-strings, my briefs, and even my original Vanity Fair sheer nylon briefs. I took each one out of my dresser drawer and laid them on the bed. By now, the collection had grown and there were white, ivory, and leopard prints. You were shocked and made me try to explain why, but I know you weren't satisfied with my feeble and embarassed answer.

At the time you seemed to accept it, though you didn't really seem to embrace it. I became more uncomfortable wearing them around you where you might see them on me. But one day, you came home from a bargain bin store and while you were showing me what you bought, you pulled out some new panties for me... A thick nylon black thong, a black fishnet thong, and a pair of dark purple bikinis (your favorite color)! I was in heaven, it was the first time you really seemed to play along.

The next time I knew bliss was when we went to the mall and shopped at Victoria's Secret for you - and when we had bought some panties and bras for you, you teased me about being fair and getting some new things for me. I blushed and before I knew it, we were in my favorite big girls' store as you thumbed through various styles and colors for me. As you found a pair you thought I would like, you held them up and called out, "What about these? They would look cute on you!" and the like. As the sales girls giggled, you took great joy in watching me contemplate crawling under the tables to hide. And when we checked out, the sales girl asked if you wanted to try anything on, and you said no, that you knew my size and was confident everything would fit me fine.

But when we got home, despite my hope you would have me model them for you, you dismissed me by saying, "Its one thing to know, another to buy, but I'm not a lesbian and I don't want to see you in them." I was crushed, my panty fetish fled back to the deepest part of the drawer.

In time I got adventurous and branched out to add stockings and garters, then a bra here and there. Over time, sexy sleep sets with satiny shorts and babydolls made their way home. I've added bodystockings and night gowns. The collection now fills two drawers with a number of pieces hanging on hangers stashed amongst the clothes in my closet.

Much has barely been worn, only being worn when you're not sleeping with me or when I'm away at a hotel by myself. Panties are a daily wear item, the colors, fabrics, and styles varying with my moods - but still never wearing things where you can see them. Someday I hope you'll warm-up to my fetish and accept me openly wearing my comfort clothes around you.

I know this is outside of your comfort zone and I understand that I'm asking a lot from you. But early on I had to weigh-out keeping this secret and hiding it from you, taking the chance of damaging your trust and openness in our relationship, against sharing this with you and whatever your reaction might be. I pray I made the right decision, because I'm me, I need this, and I need you. And having your acceptance, if not your participation, helps complete me.

With love, appreciation, and hope,

Your Lingerie Wearing Husband