My Obsessive Crush

She grimaced, looked contrite. She finished her drink at her second go. "I'm sorry, I had lots of shit going down. I was fucked up. I'm sorry, but why her?"

"Why not?" I asked, accepting my turn at being confused.

"She already tried to steal you from me, tried to break up the band."

"What, don't be silly. She and I hooked up long before you and I did."

"Nah, she fucking knows as well. I always loved you. I may not have said it, but I did. Then she comes along and I'm pushed away."

"Andi, you never said anything. You're not making sense."

"I know, I'm an idiot, but it's true. I loved you."

"Then what was all that shit over in Aussie with that creep, Jacko?"

"A mistake okay... I thought you might like it. You never went with any guys, I thought you might like to share a new experience with me. It was a fuck up. I know that now. That shit head had me so whacked out. I'd never tried smack before. I didn't know up from down. I was fucked. That shit was all his idea."

"He didn't even like me?" I spluttered.

"Oh he liked you, when I told him you'd never been with a guy, he wanted you more than ever."

My frustration and anger flowed out. "Fuck, Andi, why'd you run away?"

"I was hooked okay. Fucking meth, and smack. I was an addict, I am an addict. Always will be. I knew you'd never understand and you didn't want nothing to do with me. I realised I'd fucked everything up. I couldn't handle it."

"So what happened."

"I got fucking locked up. They called it an addiction centre, but in reality it's fucking prison. I was fucked Roz, totally."

We hugged, I kissed her cheek, rubbed her back. She was a sad impersonation of her old glowing self. Her skin a horrible grey pallid thin covering. So skinny, I could feel her bones, brittle and weak.

"Where are you living now?" I asked.

"A Salvo homeless shelter."

"Why didn't you call me, or Poppy, your family?"

"Embarrassment, shame... I sold everything for drugs. Everything I owned, and a few I didn't. Anything for the next fix."

"Shit... bugger girl, I'm so sorry."

"Not your fault." She whimpered between sobs. "It's all on me, I'm a waste of space. Don't waste your sympathy on me."

"You said, you were an addict. Are you clean now?"

"I'll always be an addict Roz, like an alcoholic, it'll always be there waiting in the shadows."

"But you're not doing anything now?"

"Nah, clean, been that way for two months."

Just then the door burst open and Poppy came charging in. "You fucking bitch, you crazy fucking bitch. What the fuck were you thinking." She screamed that loudly even I was scared. "I should kick your arse you crazy slut."

Andi cowered in the corner. Her own anger dissolved hearing Poppy ranting at her.

"Calm down." I said hoping to quieten her. "This isn't helping okay."

"Like fuck, Kat's got a split lip, a black eye. God damn it, her keyboards fucked. Everybody's laughing their tits off at us. We're a fucking laughing stock out there."

I saw Blaire standing at the door her arms crossed, staring in at Andi angrily. It happened so quickly, I couldn't stop her. Andi jumped up and ran out physically barging past Blaire. She was gone.

"What the hell, was that all about?" Poppy said in dismay.

"She's got issues okay. She's a bit messed up."

"Where's she gone?" Blaire asked.

"God knows, but she needs our help."

"I don't know what to do. Maybe we should just leave her." Poppy said coldly. "We've gotta finish the gig."

"Oh shit no." I gasped in shock. "She needs us, we might be her last hope. We have to go and find her, help her."

Blaire and Poppy exchanged looks that said more than their silence. "Well, are we going to see if we can find her?"

"You go." Poppy said. "I'm going to check on, Kat. She's getting first aid from the bar manager."

"Maybe you go and find her. If Kat's, okay, we'll finish the set out."

I was in a state of total confusion. These girls were Andi's friends long before me. "Fine, you do what you want. I'm going to find her."

*****

As I pushed out through the crowd. I burst out into the cool night air. I didn't know where to start. She was so fragile, I knew she wouldn't have gone far. Walking around the corner into the car park. That's where I found her. Sitting with her knees drawn up under her chin. Crying softly rocking to and fro on the curb.

When she saw me, she jumped up as if wanting, or expecting a fight. She shoved me hard, screamed yelling angrily, a Valkyrie warrior princess. It was explosive, but just as quickly dissipated. With the expulsion of her fury, she sagged against me.

I opened my arms, calling her in for a hug. "Girl, what the hell?"

"Sorry, I had to get out of there. Poppy, n me. We used to be so tight."

"Come on Andi, surely you realise. You can't assault somebody like that and think people aren't gonna get in your face."

"I know, okay. Things have been tough for me. Tonight came as a shock."

"Talk to me, tell me what's been going on."

She said nothing for what felt like an age, then she looked up at me, and said quietly. "I realised when I got out of rehab things had to change. I couldn't go on like that. I needed to straighten myself out."

"Thank god for that." I sighed, "I'm so proud of you."

"Nah, don't be. It wasn't for me. It was for the baby?"

"Baby... What baby?"

"I'm pregnant." She mumbled wetly into the side of my neck. "My life's fucked Roz, I'm fucking pregnant."

*****

What do you say, when you hear something surreal? Without thinking I said stoically. "You could get an abortion, two months isn't too late." The moment the words dribbled out of my mouth, I grimaced. What a silly thing to say...

"Nah, no fucking way!" She spat out roughly. "I fucked up Roz, made the mistake. I'm not taking an innocent life to save mine."

She went from villain to saint in a single beat of my heart. "Andi, god that is an amazing stance babe. Now I am really really proud."

"Thanks," she muttered with a titter. "I'm sorry for what happened in there. For whatever it's worth. The band was my last hope. My one chance at salvation. The one thought that kept me going."

"Andi, shush, lets not dwell in the past."

She hugged me tight, her arms were strong, her grip tight. Far stronger than I expected after seeing her physical condition. "Let's go back to the green room. We can get in outa the cold."

We had barely got back into the green room when I heard the music and cheering stop, Poppy announcing the end of the set.

I got up to answer the knock on the door. I left Andi inside and went out to talk to the girls before they just barged in.

"What did she say, what the hell was that all about?" Poppy asked staring at me angrily. Kat stared blankly at me, Blaire shaking her head in disbelief. "What happens now?" Poppy asked.

"Not sure, Andi's, in a real bad way. She's struggling, you can't go in there at the moment."

"I wasn't going to let Kat, go in there anyway." Poppy snapped. "That was insane. She could have killed her."

"Yeah, I know, I'm not defending her actions. Just simply trying to get us through the night. Why don't you girls go up to the bar and get some drinks. I'll console Andi, hopefully I can get up for the last set."

"Console her. We should be ringing the bloody police and getting her locked up." Kat snarled viciously.

"Lets try and keep this between us okay?" I replied, trying to placate everyone. I was already freaking out that the management may have already called the police.

"Okay for you to say." Kat hissed. "You're not the one with a thousand bucks worth of broken gear. When my keyboard crashed, she killed my Roland. It cost me over a thousand bucks second hand for gods sake."

"Kat, I'll pay for it okay. Just give me a break all right. Andi's, in a bad place."

"What was all that shit about stealing?" She replied.

"Technically, she's not wrong. Those songs were hers, she wrote all of 'My Obsessive Crush' original songs. We all helped, and wrote some, but mostly they were hers."

"They belonged to the band, not her." Blaire snarled. "It's not our fault she ran of, left us in the shit. Fuck, she owes us a couple of grand in back rent. Let's not forget that."

"Leave it, okay. Fuck the money. Remember you dumped me in the shit as well. Left me to live with a bunch of strangers."

She flinched at my accusation.

"Arguing amongst ourselves isn't gonna help. Lets go to the bar." Poppy stated firmly, as she tried to guide Blaire and Kat up the stairs. She turned to me for a hug. "Thanks babe, you did good." The kiss was unexpected, and felt wonderful, but left me confused.

Walking back into the green room, I found Andi sitting with her knees drawn up under her chin. Her face buried between her legs. "They hate me don't they?"

"Well, you went the wrong way about easing your way back into the band my sweet." I sat beside her and drew her into a cuddle. "First things first. You can't stay in a bloody homeless shelter. I think you should come back and live with me."

"With you... I don't want your sympathy, Roz. I didn't come here tonight expecting to see you."

"It's not sympathy Andi. We're friends, and friends don't ignore the needs of our mates. Empathy and sympathy are different."

She wiped away the tears that still trickled down her pallid cheeks. "Where are you staying anyway?"

"In your old place, the one you shared with Poppy, and, Blaire."

"Where are they living?" She asked, her voice a weak trembling splattering of tearful sobs.

"Blaire, lives with Gary, her boyfriend. You remember him."

"Yeah, I remember." She sighed.

"Well they got their own place, and Poppy, lives with, Kat."

"What!" She gasped sitting upright in shock. "Why the hell is she living with that skanky cow?"

"They're a couple, have been for months."

"A couple... Poppy... Nah, bullshit.'

"Nah, straight up babe. Don't worry, you're no more shocked than I was."

"How the hell did that happen?"

"We got Kat, in to cover for you. I dunno how it happened, but they sorta clicked and it all took off from there."

"Fuck, what a slut. Not happy with taking you from me, she had to take Poppy, as well?"

"She didn't take me from you, Andi. You and I... We weren't even dating."

"Roz, she knew how I felt about you. I saw it in her eyes. Right at the start she knew. I know I have no right to say this now, but you were always mine. I always fucking loved you."

She broke down again, her body shuddering clearly affected by her admission.

"I've never understood that. Poppy, and Kat, for that matter said the same thing. That you were attracted to me. You knew I was into you, that's what I don't understand, why didn't you say something?"

"I didn't know, okay...that sounds shitty, but I had these feelings, which at the time I didn't understand. I dated plenty of guys, thinking eventually I'd find somebody special. It just never happened."

"Oh yeah, you dated a lot of guys all right."

She giggled nervously, her eyes full of anxiety.

Poppy knocked on the door, and poked her head in. "You gonna be okay, Andi? We need, Roz."

She nodded, and I gave her a final hug. "Just wait here, I'll be back as soon as I can."

Poppy seemed angry, and I guess it was understandable. "What the heck happened, where the hell did she come from?"

"I dunno, she's had a rough ride, and she doesn't look well."

"What's gonna happen, does she have somewhere to go?"

"She's going home with me." I stated firmly.

"Ah, shit really?"

"Of course, she's our friend, I was never gonna just walk away from her. She needs me... Us."

"Roz, there's no us in this. Not after what she did. She assaulted Kat, broke her Roland, wrecked a mic. Split Kat's, lip, she's got bruises and a black eye for gods sake."

"I'm not saying what she did was right, but she's our friend."

"Not any more she's not. Not me anyway, god she was like crazy insane. She could have really hurt Kat, and what the hell has she done wrong... Nothing that's what."

"Lets just get the bloody gig finished and then we can try and sort it out." I grumbled, unimpressed. Wow, if I thought Poppy was mad, Kat was on another level. She walked right up to my face, and hissed. "What the hell was that all about?"

"She's angry that we took you into the band, and feels like she's been kicked out. I'm not defending her, just telling you what she said to me."

"She's outa the bloody band, that's for real." Blaire barked angrily. "She wasn't actually expecting us to take her back was she? Jesus, we haven't heard from her in ages, and she does that first up. No way."

I shrugged. "It is her band, her songs. Look, lets finish tonight, then we can all calm down and talk about it another day."

It was a ferocious set, I channelled all my anger through my guitar. I shredded, my fingers flying up and down the neck. My distortion pedal on max. I don't think I clicked off my tube screamer for the whole set. The VOX barked angrily. Thankfully, the girls followed my lead, there were no happy faces, no smiles, no dancing, simply a fierce raw energy sapping hurricane of a performance.

The crowd were into it though, they were probably expecting or maybe even hoping for another fight. Afterwards, there were the usual masses of autograph hunters and selfie seekers. The other girls threw themselves into packing down, and thankfully Gary and a couple of his mates stayed to do all the heavy lifting.

We were done in record time. There weren't the usual laughs, drinks and wind down. As soon as the gear was packed away, the girls were gone. At least they left the van for me.

When I walked into the green room, Andi was curled up in a ball on the sofa. She looked up to glare at me. "Where are the girls?"

"Gone. Gary, and some of his mates did all the heavy shit. Everybody's gone."

"They hate me that much huh?"

"Come on Andi, you didn't do much to endear yourself to them. Kat, and Poppy, are a couple. Poppy's, only trying to support, Kat."

"Yeah, what about you?"

"I'm trying to help a friend. Somebody I care for."

"You don't hate me as well?"

"Andi, I have spent too much time and energy hating you. After what you did to me in Australia. I swore I'd never speak to you again, I don't know why, but I forgave you. Figured it took less energy than hating you."

She sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Is that offer of a bed still open?"

"Yeah, course. You'll be sleeping with me though. I've got flatmates, there's no spare rooms."

She sniggered cruelly. "Not scared of catching some incurable disease?"

"No, why, should I be?"

She shook her head. "Nah, I've been lucky in that regard. I've done some awful shit though Roz, you have to know that."

"I got it, You don't have to tell me unless yah wanna."

"Not now, but another day."

"Sounds good. Lets get you home aye."

I slipped my arm around her waist, and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Oh my god. Blaire, left you in charge of the van?"

I laughed. "Gary's, got a real flash car, and a work truck. Apparently the van doesn't have the same appeal it once had."

"Oh yeah, I know what that feels like."

As we headed up Guznee street, I asked. "Are you hungry?"

"Bloody starving."

I pulled over by the Turkish Kebab place and ordered a couple.

Andi, almost ripped hers out of my hand. She tore at it like she hadn't eaten for days. When she finished hers, I noticed that she kept staring at mine.

"You want it?"

She nodded, and I handed it over."You didn't get a drink did you?" She asked trying to make a joke. I pulled into the service station and brought us both cokes and picked up some muesli bars and a thing of chocolate.

Back at the flat, it was apparent that the others weren't home. The place was tomb like.

"Which room is ours?" Andi asked.

"Your old room. It's the biggest."

"Yeah, the girls were annoyed when I confiscated that one."

In the bedroom, I dug out some of my Pyjamas for her. We climbed into bed, and she snuggled against me. My head spun wickedly. There was so much to process.

"How is your baby?" I asked a little concerned. She did look unhealthy.

"Babies fine, according to my last check up." Words coming between the munching as she nibbled away on the muesli bars.

"That's good. What about you, how are you coping?"

She frowned. "Do you mean the baby?"

"No, you babe, how are you coping with everything. Withdrawals, you clearly haven't been looking after yourself."

"No money aye. I do get the unemployment benefit, but it's not enough. That's why I was at the Salvos."

"Okay, what about the drugs?"

"It's hard, not gonna lie, Roz. It's a battle every day. I've stayed clean this time. I hope like hell I can stick to it. I don't want my baby born with an addiction."

I cuddled her, as the tears flowed. "I've done terrible things, Roz. Used my body to get drugs, had sex for money. Fuck, I was basically a hooker for fucks sake."

"Jesus, calm down babe. I'm not judging you. It must've been awful."

She shivered, memories obviously ravaging her brain.

"Can you just hold me, I know you still hate me, but I need you so bad right now."

I hugged her tight, and rocked her until she drifted off to sleep. Sunday morning, Andi was still in a coma like sleep. I showered, and made breakfast.

I had to wake her, to place the tray on the bed.

"Wow, room service. I might stay here all the time." She said whimsically.

"Don't expect this every day. I thought I better wake you. I've got a gig, and need to get going."

"A gig, on a Sunday. Not many places take bands on a Sunday.

"It's not the band. Just me. It's a Sunday lunch gig. I needed to make some money."

She smirked, and some of the old Andi shone through. "You, doing a solo gig. Wonders will never end."

"Why'd you say that?" I asked slightly offended, but still curious.

"You were always the timid one, the introvert. The shy girl who almost died every time she went on stage. I can't imagine the Roz, I know doing a solo gig."

"Get showered and changed. You can help me carry gear and set up. Might get yah a nice meal."

"Oh, food. I'm in." She gushed.

I watched as she cleaned up her plate. In just the one day, she looked better, less tortured. "You can wear anything of mine you want. That'll be fun. You can't have my Doc's though. I'm wearing them today."

"Docs, Jesus, is that who you are these days. Butch dyke lesbo girl?"

"Cheeky bitch, no I just like my Docs, and I don't go for the girly stuff so much any more."

"You... Girly... That was never you. So I mean is that who you are? Like a butch, or whatever they call it these days?"

"No, yes, maybe. I dunno. I hate labels. God, I haven't had sex since the last time you and I were together."

"Fucking hell, does it still work? You know it'll close up, your bloody hymen'll grow back." She said giggling.

"Just get ready, I've gotta be set up by eleven thirty. That way I get lunch before I start."

She looked completely different wearing my clothes. Apart from the fact they weren't revealing or sexy. They hung loosely on her. Bloody hell, she was so thin. She clearly wasn't comfortable accepting my persona. Our styles were so different.

As weak and feeble as Andi looked. She was a great help. We got set up quickly, and the bar manager was happy to throw in another meal.

I started slowly, mostly covers, but then worked my own songs into the set. There was applause, and a couple brave enough to get up and dance. At the end of my set, Andi came up and hugged me. "I take it, those are your songs?"

"Yeah, and some covers."

"Oh babe, they are beautiful. You've grown heaps as a song writer."

"Thanks, breakups, they do generate songs."

"Yeah, a lot of pain in those songs. You've had your heart broken."