My Obsessive Crush

"You should know." I snapped back harshly.

She winced, and looked away. "Sorry, you're right. I treated you awfully. I was a real bitch."

"Yeah..." She gave me a hug, and we sat down and had a drink. I noticed she stayed away from the wine coolers. "You not allowed to drink either?"

"Not while I'm pregnant. I have the occasional one when I'm blue, but I've been good Roz. I'm actually proud of that."

"So you should be. I can't say I understand, but I can imagine it must be hard. So many people fail."

"Not me, I've promised my baby, made a commitment. I'm gonna do something right. I'm gonna be a good Mum."

"Good for you." I said, not really believing she would be able to live up to it.

I finished my set and enjoyed plenty of applause. Even got a few tips.

Back home, the flat mates were home, and had commandeered the living room. I introduced Andi told them she was staying with me for a few day. That got some cheeky comments. They were a funny bunch.

Andi surprised me when she asked if I wanted to go for a walk. We set off, heading to the park behind Government buildings. Botanical gardens was a lovely walk, even if it was a bit brusque. Andi, leaned close to me as we walked. It felt nice having her back. I had to ask myself, if it was because I was lonely, or did I still have feelings for her?

It sure felt nice, having the warmth of her body against me. When her hand slipped into mine, I looked to see her waiting for a reaction. When I didn't squeeze her hand in return, she snatched it away.

"No chance for us then Roz?"

I reached out and grabbed her hand. This time giving it a squeeze. "I dunno Andi. I can't answer that. Not yet anyway. You can't go through life hurting people the way you did and expect them to just take you back. You friggin hurt me, I mean really hurt me. I gave myself to you, I totally exposed myself. Opened up my soul."

She nodded, leaning closer. We found an empty park bench and sat looking out over the harbour. It wasn't a picture post card day, but it was pleasant. The trees changed colours, leaves falling delicately to the ground.

"I'm sorry Roz, for everything. For being stupid, for letting that arsehole Jacko, screw me. I'm sorry for running away and not getting in touch. I got all your messages, but then I sold my phone for a fix. I was fucked by then any way. You wouldn't have liked the person I became."

"Maybe not, but it woulda been nice to know you were safe. You've gotta call your folks as well. They're desperate to get in touch. The last time I talked to your Mum she was hysterical. They contacted the police."

"Yeah, I know."

We stopped at the pub on the way home, and I brought us dinner. God, she was like a ravenous animal, but it was nice to see colour in her cheeks.

On the walk home she asked. "What happened with the band?"

"We were lost after you disappeared. We tried to play as a three piece, but could never make it work. You were such a big part of our sound, our personality. We decided to get in a temporary replacement."

"Why that cow?"

"Andi, we needed somebody, and she was available."

"What about the future?"

"I dunno, what do yah wanna do?"

"First off, get rid of that skanky bitch. Do you think the girls'd have me back?"

"Do you want me to be honest?"

She nodded, pulling me to a stop. "You don't think they want me?"

"Sorry Andi, but you screwed them over as well. They were angry that you ghosted us. Angry that you ran off owing them money, and you came back when nobody was there to get the last of your stuff."

She scowled. "It's my band, Roz. I started that band. It was my money that paid for most of the gear. Shit, it was me who came up with the name."

"Yeah, I know all that Andi. I was there remember."

"Not for the early parts, like when we first got together. Poppy, n me were friends, she didn't even know how to play bass. Her Dad taught her after she begged me to let her join."

"She told me, apparently she really sucked."

"Oh yeah, she was terrible." She replied sniggering. "The songs, they're all mine, they didn't write a bloody thing. It was my suggestion that we call the songs 'My Obsessive Crush' ones. I wanted them to feel like it was us, rather than me."

"But you ran away, left us buggered. I needed money, and we sounded crap without you. It was my idea to bring Kat, in."

"But only as a fill in... Right?"

"Yeah, nah... She had to give up her job at the studio to be in the band. We had to promise, that whatever happened. We wouldn't kick her out."

"Fuck." She groaned. "What the hell am I gonna do, Roz? I've been dreaming about coming back into the band."

"It might happen, but not at the moment. Hows your voice?"

She shrugged unconvincingly. "Dunno, I have hardly been in the mood to test it out."

"Tomorrow, the boys'll all be off at work, and we'll have the place to ourselves. We can have a little jam."

"I hocked all my gear." As she said it, the tears returned, and we cuddled together. "It'll be okay Andi. Lets take it one step at a time."

"It's not just the gear Roz, I sold everything. Including myself. Do you know how hard that is. I fucked guys just for money, gave blowjobs in the back seat of cars. Hand jobs in the men's loo at pubs. Let me tell yah sis. They weren't good looking dudes, guys I wanted. I hate myself."

"It must have been awful." I wanted to say something deep and helpful, but nothing came...

"Roz, you will never understand. Creepy old fucks, some of them older than my dad, dirty filthy old bastards, sometimes for twenty bucks."

"Shit..." I spluttered unhelpfully.

"shits right. I sold or lost everything including my self respect. I was never safe Roz, I slept wherever I could. Usually having to fuck somebody just for a bed." She glanced up at me with painful tears flowing. "Sometimes more than one. I hated myself."

Another night of cuddling, her snoring in my ear, and me staring at the ceiling. So many conflicting emotions. Remembering back to Australia, Andi trying to convince me to sleep with her and Jacko. That look in her eye, it scared me. I knew she was wasted, and couldn't think, but still. Could I trust her with my heart, could I simply forgive.

The cold shiver that made my whole body tremble said more than my unspoken words.

We laid in bed until the others were all gone. Then it was breakfast, some house work. "Andi, I teach guitar. I've got a couple of students coming in today. You can stay and watch, or whatever, but please don't get in the way."

"No worries, teacher as well. Shit you've changed, Roz."

"Guess I'm stronger."

"Nah girl. You were awesome yesterday. That gig, wow, you were hot."

"Hardly hot. What'd you call me. Butch dyke lesbo girl."

"Babe, you looked sexy as fuck. The new hairstyle really suits you. Have to say. I never pictured you with a short bob, but I like it. Especially the highlights. It suits yah, and yeah. It's hot."

"Even in me Docs?"

"They suit yah Roz. You've got your own style I guess. I'd like to see yah in something less austere, something pretty, but if this is you, then I like it."

"What about you, Andi. Have you met anybody?"

"What, god no. I know you'll think I'm shitting yah, but I might have given blowjobs, hand jobs, and fucked for money. But I never gave any of them fuckers my heart. It wasn't fun, I didn't enjoy it, there was no love. All it meant was a means to an end. All I wanted was the fix, get wasted and forget. I never stopped thinking about you though. Not once."

"Me... You didn't even want me. You were prepared to give me away."

"No." She snorted roughly. "That wasn't me Roz, not the real me. I didn't understand any of it at the time, I'm only starting to understand who I am now. That wasn't me."

"How do I trust yah, Andi? How do I forget what happened?"

She sucked in a deep breath, her eyes narrowed as she stared into mine. "My therapist said not to try. I can't change what happened. I gotta own my mistakes. She said I gotta make amends to the people I hurt. That starts with you, Roz. Poppy, and Blaire, we were friends, besties, but I loved you. If yah gave me a chance I would happily spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

"I dunno, Andi. You were worse than mean. You just threw me under the bus. Like I didn't mean anything to you. Like, you knew how I felt about men and sex. I told you."

She nodded, the tears rolling mercilessly down her now flushed cheeks. Standing, she walked away to hide in the bedroom. My heart reached for her, but history stopped me from chasing her.

Andi sat in on my lessons, she watched intently, without interfering. Once the students were gone, we sat down, and had a little sing song. Her voice still had that ethereal quality. Crystal clear, but with a rough edge, Melissa Etheridge, or Stevie Nicks. She also had a sensual power.

Now it was a little weak, shaky, but still with good pitch, just lacked that special energy she used to have. As we went through the old songs, some of her power emerged. I saw her smile as she reached for a few notes and failed. At leat she could laugh.

I'd expected Poppy to at least call and ask after Andi, but neither of the girls called. That really pissed me off. I expected them to show some interest, some empathy.

When Andi called her mum, it was a tearful call. Even only hearing half of the call was hard. The call finished and Andi told me they'd asked her to go home for a visit.

Andi looked nervous, and she was definitely reluctant. Watching her talk to her Mum, it was clear she wanted to talk, but was afraid to let go, let her Mum in.

After she disconnected the call, I held her in my arms. "Andi, I'm no expert, but I think you need your Mum, if you wanna move forward, you have to let the past go."

"Roz, she'd flip if I told her half of what I did."

"You don't have to tell her everything, just the bits you can."

"I suppose." She sighed.

It also made me think of my relationship with my mother. There I was pointing the bone at Andi, when I was no better. It had been months since I talked to her.

We packed some gear for an overnight stay. She got her benefit, which wasn't much, but we stopped at the Warehouse, on the way through Upper Hutt, and we did some shopping. Andi didn't really suit my clothes, and I could see she was uncomfortable in them.

Weirdly, or maybe because she was trying to make an impression. Her new style was, how should I say... Understated, demure. No mini skirts, tight tops. It was all casual wear, she looked sweet though, I liked the new Andi.

On the drive up to Featherstone, which was about an hour and a half's drive. We talked, and there was something that had been eating away at me and I wanted, no, needed to know.

"Andi, when you were trying to convince me to sleep with you and Jacko. You said something about needing male company. What did yah mean by that?"

She winced, her face losing some of it's colour. "You have to forget anything I said that day. Everything okay. Shit, they were all Jacko's, bloody words anyway."

"Andi, I'm confused okay. That day, you said to me you weren't gay. You liked dick as much as pussy."

"Roz, please, I know it doesn't make sense. I said that stuff to get you to change your mind."

"Nah, not buying it girl. You were pretty adamant. Your words were you're not gay."

"Okay, I did say that, but I was confused. Everything was going wrong. I wanted us to get that bloody record deal. Those guys were talking million dollar contracts. World tours. I was sold, I wanted that. When Jacko, showed all that interest in me, in you. The three of us together. I thought, yeah, we could do it. I promised myself I'd make it fun for you."

"Even then you were prepared to prostitute yourself?"

Her deep defeated sigh spoke volumes. "I guess. I know it sounds bad, but shit, it's a pretty sleazy industry. Even big names have to do that shit."

"Andi, I wanted to be a success, but not like that. Now you say you love me, but I wonder if you really do, or whether you just need me?"

"Roz, I love you. I've been awful to you. And I'm not proud of it, but you can't hold that day, or what happened on that trip against me. I was wasted, and not myself. I do love you."

"But you're not gay?"

"No, that's not true. I admit, I didn't want to be gay... I was scared of that, what people would think of me, how they'd judge me. Put me in a box with all the other supposed misfits."

"You were scared?"

"Totally, the tag queer, I hated that was who I would be."

"Then how can you now say you love me?"

"Oh shit, I love you all right. God, I love you so much it hurts."

"Then how did you see us working?"

"Then... I dunno, now, now I know who I am. I hate being labelled, but if I have to wear that label to be with you. I will, happily. It's you Roz, I don't care about anybody else. I've come to realise that it is you, it always was. I just couldn't see it."

"But I'm gay Andi. Totally one hundred percent gay."

"I know that Roz, and I want you in my life. I don't need anybody else, male or female. It's you I want. There was a lot going on in my life. I had so many failed relationships. I was a total slut. Jesus, some of the horrible men I slept with to try and prove I wasn't queer."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I was scared of being typecast. I didn't want that label. Gay girl band. You and I are different Roz. I don't hate sex with men. In fact some of the guys I slept with were great lovers. But I don't care if it's men or women. What I want is you. It's got nothing to do with sex. You and I... Together forever. That's what I want."

"But you said you needed dick!"

"Piss off, I said that without even thinking. I like sex, I'm a sexual person but what I want is you. I am probably bisexual, but this isn't about sex. It's about you and me, that connection. The last few days. Just having you in my arms. Talking to you, feeling your support. That's what was missing. I just didn't know it. I was so tied up in being something, I lost sight of me."

A brief silence filled the cab, the van rumbling away as we climbed the Rimutaka hill. Andi broke it adding.

"I know you don't trust me, and that's okay, but if I can convince you I'm being sincere, I'll make you a promise, Nothing would ever come between you and me."

She reached down and I felt her hand on top of mine, squeezing as I changed gear.

I didn't know what to think, words seemed impossible to convey my thoughts. I had obsessed over her, my infatuation burned so bright. To have it blown up right in front of me, and then she wants me to open my heart... No, it's not that easy.

The drive up over Rimutuka was nice, Andi played some different music she'd discovered since running off. Her tastes had shifted, now she listened to more uplifting stuff, not so much of the angry punk girl who wanted anarchy to rule.

We stopped for food, a couple of times. I couldn't believe her appetite. The way she looked in no way matched what she ate. Still, there was now colour, the grey pallor fading replaced by a deep radiance. Some of her old glow returning.

I saw it in her demeanour as well, a vibrancy, an energy. Some of the old vivaciousness.

Pulling into her parents drive way, she closed her eyes, sighed deeply and said. "Here we go. Brace yourself."

Her mother, rushed out full of emotion. Andi opened her arms and they hugged, stumbling and swaying in a crushing embrace. "Thank heavens you are home. We thought something bad must have happened. Oh god Andi, we love you so much."

The tears flowed, and their cheeks stuck together wet and sticky.

When they finally broke apart, her father was there and the whole thing was repeated, although he was far more stoic.

Her mother, Margot walked over to me, and we hugged. "Rosalyn, my dear, how lovely to see you. I bump into your mother occasionally at the supermarket. You look lovely my dear."

"Thanks, I haven't seen much of my parents recently. How was she?"

"Worried, like me I suppose. She did mention you do not talk as often as she would like."

"Phones work from both ends, Mr's Hampton. I know I've been slack, but if she was concerned. She has my number."

She stepped back out of our embrace, frowned sadly and patted my hand as she held it. "I think perhaps that has a lot to do with your lifestyle choices. It is really none of my business, but without trying to be awkward. She has been uncomfortable my dear. She should have called you and told you that herself."

"It's okay, I'm going to go and see her while we're here."

"Wonderful, come inside, I have just made tea."

I felt Andi's hand slide into mine, as we were escorted inside. Margot, was very English, very proper. She showed us into what she called the drawing room, where we sat at the table, while she rushed off to the kitchen to bring us our tea.

Fresh scones, filled with cream and raspberry jam. What I thought was a big plate almost vanished under Andi's avaricious attack. I managed to get one, before she scoffed the rest.

The questions were obvious on her parents faces. I wasn't sure what or how much she had told them, so I centred myself on eating scones, and my lovely Chelsea tea.

It was clearly awkward as they tip toed around what they wanted to know, and what Andi was prepared to tell them.

"Where are you staying?" Margot asked.

"With Roz, she's been my saviour Mum. I know you want to know why I dropped off the face of the earth. Part of my therapy says I have to be honest. You're not going to like this, but I became addicted to drugs. I've only recently been released from the rehab centre. I was living in a Salvo shelter for the homeless until Roz saved me."

"Drugs..." Her father gasped. He turned to glare angrily at me. "Did you have anything to do with that?" His bitter accusation muttered grumpily. He was always like that. Nothing was ever Andi's fault. When the band took off, I could see the distaste in him. He blamed us for leading Andi astray. She had always been the apple of his eye, a Daddy's girl.

Angry, I spat back. "No I bloody didn't. I've never taken drugs."

"Dad, stop." Andi said loudly. "Roz, and the other girls had nothing to do with it. I made some bad choices. Roz, is the only person who's been prepared to take me in, the only one who still has a modicum of faith in me. Who believes in me."

"We should never have let you go off on that stupid blasted fantasy. Bloody music for gods sake. We should have made sure you had a decent career."

"Dad, stop, please. I could have just as easily gone down the same track here."

"Eric, can we not fight please. She's here and that's what we have to focus on." Margot said sternly, putting him in his place.

He returned his focus to drinking his tea. Margot asked. "Do you need money dear?"

"No thanks Mum, I'm going to do this on my own. Roz has been kind enough to let me stay with her until I get back on my feet."

"What do you do for a living?" Her father asked me, god it was like I was the criminal getting the interrogation.

"I am still playing music, and I teach guitar." I replied defensively.

"Teach?" He asked, "What at a music school?"

"Nah, I have private students. It's great cos I set my own hours, work when I need to."

"You can get by on that?" He asked incredulously. "It must be expensive in Wellington."

"Yep, I'm getting by. The band still gets regular gigs, I have my own solo gigs and the teaching."

"The band you say, is that the same band?" Margot asked.

"Yeah, Andi's, band with Poppy, and, Blaire."

Margot glanced questioningly at Andi asking. "Are you involved love?"

Fighting back the tears, she replied. "Nah, Mum. You have to understand. I've only just got out of rehab. I want to, but I was awful to the girls. I'll have to build some trust with them first."