My Obsessive Crush

By the time the girls arrived, we had it all set up and Andi and I were going through some of our new material.

"Wow, sic... That's a sweet song. Is it new?" Poppy asked as she walked into my open arms.

"Yeah, Andi, and I have been writing heaps. She wrote some awesome shit from rehab. I mean it's like deep."

Blaire followed Poppy in for a cuddle. Then Kat, who had been standing off to the side slipped in. Her body still felt wonderful, still gave me tingles. "Hi, Roz."

"Yo, how yah been?" I asked. Looking over at Andi, she was wrapped in Poppy and Blaire's cuddles.

When I let Kat, go, she ambled cautiously over to Andi, and held out her hand as a greeting. "Hello." She muttered softly.

Andi walked past her hand, and wrapped her in a tight hug that hung on for a long time. When they slowly separated. Andi said. "I owe you an apology, Kat. I'm sorry."

Kat grabbed her, and from nowhere they were hugging again. "No worries, the girls told me about your journey. I'm sorry you had to go through all that. It must have been terrible. I can't even imagine how you survived, but I'm glad you did."

"Doesn't excuse me. Turns out I'm jealous as well as narcissistic."

"You don't have to be jealous of me. I knew, I always knew. I love Roz, but she was always meant to be with you."

"Tea, anyone?" Poppy asked the kettle screaming in anguish.

We sat together, and it was a sombre moment. The five of us together really for the first time.

The silence, although comfortable was becoming tense. "Okay you lot. How are we going to do this. How do we make this work?"

"We're gonna have to start from scratch. That's what I reckon." Blaire said. I nodded thinking, she was on the money.

"Yeah, it's gonna be a different sound, a different feel. There's plenty of bands with two or more guitar players. No reason we can't have two keyboard players." I added to her thoughts.

"Yeah, two drummers is a thing as well." Poppy said with an evil smile. "You know what yah never see... Two bass players. That's cos we're awesome."

There was some snide laughter, and I had to cut her down. "Nah, the reason is your fucking egos so big there's no room on stage for two." That's when the laugher grew.

"Shit you can be a cheeky cow sometimes."

"We can work it out." Kat said softly, her uncertainty apparent. "We'll just take different parts. Andi's got her keytar. She can move around, not tied to a rack or anything. We'll learn when to play lead, and when to hang and just provide accompaniment."

Andi seemed contemplative, and surprised me when she said. "Nah, you're the better player, you should lead."

"What, nah. Fuck that." Kat, replied. "It's not about who's best. There's no contest here. We're gonna be a band, and everybody's gotta get a chance to shine. You're every bit as good as me. Better at some shit."

We drank our tea, and the discussion grew easier. We talked about which songs to focus on because now we had a huge catalogue. which songs we'd work on.

Andi, stood beside me, as I started into some of our older songs. Blaire joined, then Poppy and Kat came in on the fourth bar. Andi was more nervous than I could ever remember. She looked tense, and uncertain. I decided we'd share a mic. I set it up so we could stand face to face.

I fixed my eyes on her, and she leaned in closer, our eyes locked. The music built quickly. It was one of Andi's songs that she wrote. I could see she wasn't gonna make the cue, so I started singing the lead.

It was a moment, one you get at points in time, when everything shifts, or cements. Staring into her eyes, the rest of the world vanished, she was all I could see. Her beautiful face, her eyes huge, hazel coloured pools of seductive magnetic light.

My voice seemed to give her confidence, she followed me in. Her voice thin, nervous, but as she stared into my eyes. Her confidence returned. Maybe not completely, but enough. We sang as one, our voices knitted together, seamlessly. Andi's confidence growing with every word. It felt perfect, made me feel whole.

Then Poppy and Kat came in on the chorus with perfect harmonies, the full rich tapestry's of the harmonically united voices joined in song echoed around us. Andi played a brief lead riff, which I mirrored, she swayed sexily in front of me, her hips gyrating.

Then Kat joined with a riff, the different voice she chose fitted harmoniously with Andi's and that inspired Andi to come back with another line.

They traded keyboard parts, changing voices, and using the call and return style, they found a common voice, and that's when the song erupted beautifully.

They found new things two keyboards could offer. Working in harmony like our voices. Octaves apart, with different but complementary voices. There was tension, no escaping that. Kat was a much better player than she revealed through that song. She played understated triad driven chords, full and powerful.

She shied away from the virtuoso like phrasings she was capable of.

Poppy, clearly felt uncomfortable. That song was one of her all time favourites. It was one she loved and would have normally been dancing in my face. Now with Andi and I close together, she must have felt like she didn't want to offend Kat by interacting with Andi.

We played four songs, and they were all good, the only missing element was the passion. Sometimes, no matter how perfect the pitch, no matter how perfect the timing. If there's no passion, no emotion the songs have no life to give.

All of those emotions have to come from the players. We all nervously skirted around the issues of what we could, or should do. Poppy especially. I sensed she wanted to dance, to move around the room, interact. That's how she gave life to the songs. That was her thing. She used dance to provide the momentum.

I could see the problem. We were all so scared of upsetting our partners, we were trapped in political prison. Everybody to afraid to break the bonds.

I decided it had to come from me. Kat looked anxious and confused, she like myself felt it. The lack of emotion. During the next song, I didn't wait for Poppy to come to me. I walked up to her mic and started singing with her. I moved, and she moved with me. The little pixie with the huge bass. The shackles unlocked, her persona unleashed. She danced with me, leaned in closer, our mouths touching as we sang loudly into the mic.

As I led into the solo, she moved, her back against mine, leaning full weight against me. Her hips gyrating and swaying seductively.

When we came into the chorus, I moved over to Kat, who looked perplexed. I moved close, our mouths close. Her voice lifted, and she started moving as well. It released her anxiety. The Kat of old poked her head up and her vocals soared. Then I focused my attention on Andi, who had gone into her shell while she watched on.

This time it wasn't just a dance, I leapt around, bounced, kissed her as we shared the mic, and she came rushing out of her shell. The diva of old emerging into the light. Her dance more a stalking tigress. That ignited Poppy, and suddenly it was a wild merging of the souls as it used to be. Standing around the one central mic. The three of us sang loudly, strongly.

It felt like coming home from a long trip. The three of us together, our voices working in complete harmony.

It was better, maybe not perfect. I still needed to find a way to get Kat and Andi to let go the resentment. It was still there, bubbling away. We were in a good space, but it would never work until the two of them could properly let go.

I had ideas I had picked up from watching video clips of other bands. Blaire had a few old unused drums stacked up in the corner. I got a couple down and set them up in front of Blaire's kit. I got three pairs of sticks from her bag and put them on the drums.

"All right Poppy. Lets go with 'Girl of my dreams'." She gave me a confused stare, but started playing the intro. I came in and together, we built. Andi was also confused came in as she always did. Powering in with the melody, and Kat just followed her, mirroring Andi, but in a lower register. Using different fingerings. We sang our way through the first verse, then the chorus.

We used a bridge to carry us back to the verse. That's when I stopped playing and yelled to Poppy. "Keep it going Okay." She nodded still confused. I shepherded Kat and Andi to the drums with me. Picking up the first pair of sticks, I started thumping out a rhythm. Blaire laughed, but followed me into the pounding tribal beat. Andi picked up a set, and Kat the other. Then the three of us pounded it out. Andi and Kat on either side.

They started cautiously, but facing off, I think that fed them to let go the handbrake and really go for it.

I watched as they glared painfully, back and forth the stares went. Their eyes focused on each other. Each feeling the other out. Their anger, their emotions all of the built up animosity flowing down through the sticks and into the reverberating skins.

It was instantly ferocious, and wild. I backed away without them even noticing. Poppy and I met face to face and I started a long riff, which she mirrored. Her head thrown back, her eyes closed, she played. Her body moving to the rhythm of life itself. I stood right in front of her, jamming and riffing.

Blaire released from holding the beat played more freely. Her hands flying around the kit.

Kat, from nowhere started howling like a wolf. Her eyes looking upwards as if staring into a starlit night. Andi not to be left behind joined her. The outright screeching banshee scream released whatever demons lurked within.

It was sensational, and it shattered the walls built between them. They were locked together pounding out the song. I saw tears, smiles, frowns and scowls, but after we finished. I saw the most miraculous thing. Andi, dropped her sticks and walked unsteadily towards Kat who had likewise let her sticks clatter to the ground. She walked purposefully with arms opening and they fell into a tremendous embrace. It was fearsome, and yet loving. Their faces buried in the others neck. Our four had finally become five.

Poppy fell into my arms, whispering. "You clever bitch. How did you know?"

"Music, it will heal all wounds given a chance."

Their hug led us all into a group huddle.

That moment released pain and anguish which had been holding us apart. We flew into other songs, and Kat and Andi moved closer together, talked between verses about how and who should play what. The real Kat emerged. Her powerful keyboards leading. Andi moved more into the centre stage taking up the vocalists role. She twirled and swirled. Spinning around the floor with the mic in her hand. Released from having to play the keys, she sang, and a more vibrant vivacious woman appeared.

She took turns stopping in front of Poppy, then me, then Kat and even Blaire. The one I liked most was when we joined around her in a tight huddle. Only Blaire keeping the beat. We sang acapella, the four of us together, united by song.

I had other ideas as well. With Blaire joining us up front with just a kick drum and snare. All of us singing together. Five part harmonies are way harder, but oh so powerful when it works.

I have never experienced anything like it. Seeing them cast aside their differences, and letting the music bring us all back together again.

Afterwards, we sat drinking tea, seemingly the others were supporting Andi. If she couldn't drink, none of us would.

We talked our way through three pots of tea, with numerous wee breaks. Suddenly everybody was on board. Poppy was charged with finding us as many local gigs as she could.

My job was to finalise arrangements with the festival promoter.

Kat was to copy off as many CD's as she could get through the studio without them blowing a fuse.

Blaire had to get the van serviced. Why, because she had a boyfriend who was a car nut.

Andi, was to focus on the social media stuff. We'd left it to long unattended. Now it was time to announce the new line up, and new material. Even if we didn't have any of it recorded yet.

Finding a quiet moment, I reflected. We were always tight. Right from when we had our very first jam in Poppy's dad's storeroom. If anything, those bonds were now tighter than ever. If we weren't rehearsing, we were playing. Poppy found us some great gigs, and as the days ticked by, we got tighter and tighter.

The weirdest thing was watching Andi and Kat. They had found some common ground, piano, and it somehow allowed them to get much closer. I giggled a little watching them sit together going over some of our new material. Sitting close together, giggling, laughing talking intimately, like new found best friends.

We did have to manage things though, and it did affect Andi. She was getting bigger, the baby growing inside her showing her presence. It meant at most gigs, she had to take breaks, sit and watch. Always surrounded by admiring fans who wanted to know about her pregnancy.

The new Andi surprised me. Gone was the reticent lesbian. She was long gone, now there was this strong vibrant woman who wanted to do nothing but talk about her pregnancy and her queerness.

The one bloody thing we argued over. I hated the word queer, but she adored it. Wore T-shirts proudly wearing the rainbow colours.

Once she was out, she was never going back. Pandora was out of the box.

I did get the shock of my life when our parents turned up to a gig wearing 'My Obsessive Crush' T-shirts, and proudly stood at the entrance handing out flyers Andi had collected promoting Gay rights.

The world had gone fucking crazy, and I loved it.

One night after rehearsal their they were sitting in the corner, working over a song. 'Andi Kat.' As we called them.

"Should we be worried?" Poppy whispered in my ear, as she passed me the obligatory cup of tea.

"About what?"

"Well, your girlfriend does have a reputation as a bit of a slut you know."

"True, but I don't think I need to worry."

She giggled softly. "Nah, yah probably right. She's getting a bit fat now anyway."

"Jesus, girl. Say that quietly. Holy shit are you trying to get in trouble?"

She giggled with that tinkly little titter. "Nah, just being a bitch. She looks happy. When you think about the road she's been down. That's really saying something."

"Yeah, agreed, she looks good as well, she has a real radiance these days. She's a different person. The angst, the snarkiness, the sarcasm. They've slipped away. I think the real Andi, is starting to emerge. I think she's content."

"Yeah, you've really brought the best out of her babe. I don't know how you forgave her all the evil stuff, but I'm glad you did."

"I dunno either, I was mad as hell, but we all make mistakes Pop, all of us aye. I'm no saint."

"Oh stop it. You're the closest thing we have to a saint in this band. It certainly ain't me."

"Nah, you're the mini slut. You gave Andi, a pretty fair challenge."

She sniggered. "Yah know we shared a bloke one night her and me."

"Dirty little minx. What was it like?"

"Yuck really. It sounded like fun, when we talked about it. but I dunno, maybe it was just the dude was hopeless."

"Did you do anything, like you know kiss?"

"What, Andi n me... Nah. I shouldn't say this but god I wanted to. She seemed unaware, or not into it, so I held back. Looking back, I should have."

I gave her a hug and a kiss. "I'm glad you didn't. This might never have happened."

"What about you. Were you even tempted by her offering to share you with that dick, Jacko?"

"God no. Never even considered it. Maybe if it had been a really cute guy, maybe, but I don't feel any attraction to men. It's like a dead zone for me. What about you, do you miss the sex bit? Andi said something to me that night, and it sorta stuck with me. She said she missed getting dick."

She gave me a weird look."Not so far, we have toys, and I can't imagine living with anybody else. Kat, is like my other half. We can talk about anything, and I mean anything. We have no secrets. I really love her."

Before I could speak she added. "Babe, you don't have to worry about, Andi. She's, so in love with you. You mentioned content a moment ago. Funnily enough. She used exactly those words when I asked her how she was going. She said she had never been as content in her whole life, and it was all down to you."

"Yeah, it's not the sex for me, It's Andi, we sort of fit together. Like you, I can't imagine life without her now."

She glanced sideways at me. "Are you still miffed that Kat, and I hooked up?"

"Nah, I let that go a long time ago. The wonders of hokey pokey aye. Plus, there's no time these days."

"Wait till the baby arrives. Shit you're gonna be so busy."

"Yeah, I can't wait. I go to sleep with my hand on her tummy, waiting to feel baby move. I love resting my head on her tummy listening to the gurgling heartbeat. I think I'm more eager than she is."

We both looked up, hearing Andi and Kat giggling. Blaire glanced across at us, and shook her head. It was like... "Look what you crazy bitches got us into."