My Wife Wanted to be an Ironman

I walked Diane home. It was late so we kissed goodnight at her door. She made no move to invite me in.

The call from my attorney came and informed me that Laura's and my divorce would be heard on April 7th. He asked if I would be there. The last time he asked, I told him probably not. This time I told him yes.

My relationship with Diane kept getting better and better, but still no sex. I made no advances in that direction and neither did she.

Court day came and I was sitting with my attorney. Laura was a no-show, but her attorney was there.

"Where is she?" asked the judge.

"In Wisconsin," her attorney replied.

"Why isn't she here?"

"She's competing in an Ironman."

"What's that?'

Her attorney explained.

"She thought that was more important than today?"

"I can't answer that, Your Honor."

"I think I can," said the Judge."

The next thing I knew I was divorced. Laura got nothing except the money I left behind for her. My attorney shook my hand and told me that I would be a single man in a few weeks.

I spent several days with my family during which we heard on the local news that local resident, Laura Wagner, was disqualified at the end of the swimming phase of an Ironman competition in Wisconsin after she got into an argument with one of the officials over an equipment mix-up. Mrs. Wagner, who finished 1297th out of a field of 1300, dropped her towel in the area used to transition from swimming to bicycling. Her trainer, Jason Hendricks, a one-time Ironman competitor himself, picked it up and handed it to her. The unidentified official immediately disqualified Mrs. Wagner citing the rule that no help or assistance of any kind can be administered to the competitors. Mrs. Wagner became so upset that she blamed Mr. Hendricks and assaulted him. She was immediately arrested and detained in Wisconsin pending her trial. Mr. Hendricks left immediately to return home vowing that he would return for Mrs. Wagner's trial. Mrs. Wagner's bicycle was examined and the gears were found to have been tampered with. Mrs. Wagner also blamed that on Mr. Hendricks who has been banned for life from competing in any sanctioned events. He was further stripped of his license to train Ironman hopefuls.

I laughed my ass off. Almost two years of training, a divorce, an affair, a rumored abortion, and she finished 1297th out of 1300 in the first event. She didn't need her bicycles after all.

There were blizzard conditions in Leadville as I drove there from Denver's Airport. I had been talking to Diane while I was gone so she knew about the divorce and Laura's disqualification. I pulled up in front of my apartment building, took my bag and started inside. I had just gotten to the door of my building when someone jumped on me. It was Diane.

After two or three dozen kisses, she drug me to my front door and helped me unlock it. Then we both stumbled into my living room and she started undressing me. I thought she was just helping me with my winter gear, but she kept going. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Let me catch my breath." I said.

"No, way, mister," she said. "You're divorced now and I'm going to fuck you three ways to Sunday."

I stopped her and held her so she couldn't move. "I'm looking forward to the fucking part, but what does "three ways to Sunday mean"?"

She laughed. "I have no idea. It just came out. I think it means that now that you're not married, I can fuck your brains out anytime I want."

"Now that I understand," I said as I helped her take my clothes off. Then we started on hers. She was prepared and only had jeans and a shirt on. I'd always thought about women who wear thongs with jeans and imagined the irritation the denim must cause in the areas of their pussies. Going commando had to be even worse.

It didn't take long for us to get naked and on my bed. There was no foreplay or romancing. There was only the desperation of two people who had not had sex in a long time wanting to change their celibate status post haste.

There has never been an ugly breast or pussy. They are easily the most beautiful and perfect things ever created and I paid homage to them over and over that day. Likewise, there has never, to my knowledge, been a bad piece of ass; and there certainly wasn't that day. After the first fanatical clawing and groping at each other, we settled into a natural lovers rhythm.

We both had to be at work the next day and barely made it. She came prepared to stay overnight and when we left for work we were still putting on our clothes. We spent a good portion of the day on the phone to each other. She had a meeting she couldn't get out of otherwise we would have met at my apartment and had a "nooner" but we couldn't make it work.

We could that evening, however. And did. I had given her a key to my apartment and she was waiting for me when I got there. She was naked and fresh out of the shower. I never took a quicker shower in my life. Afterward I jumped into an already warm bed with an impossibly warm body already in it.

Our lovemaking was different that evening and night. We took our time and explored each other. I learned every inch of her outside and some of her insides. I learned how to make her smile and groan at the same time. Then I learned how to make her scream and laugh together.

In roughly the 5th Century BC (or BCE, if you prefer) a book entitled The Art of War was written by Chinese military strategist Sun Tzu. The book outlined the aspects of war. At the end of one week with Diane, my ideas of how to be loved, and be in love, changed and I started a mental outline for the world's best book on love entitled The Art of Love and dedicated to her.

The physical, of course was there. I loved looking at her, touching her, tasting her, and feeling her near me. That was new for me, but somehow, I always knew when she was around. My parents used to tell me that our dog, Baron, always knew when I was near the house. He would sit by the window so he could see me coming. Then his tail would start wagging and he would bound from door to door wanting to be at whichever door I was coming in.

It was the same feeling I had for Diane. I sensed when she was near and my heart beat faster and a smile appeared on my face.

The actual fucking was course can be described, but the sensations can't. How my flesh going into her flesh felt, or how it felt when her pussy muscles tightened around my dick and squeezed and stopped me from cumming until she wanted me to. Or even how her kisses started the whole sex dance. Actually, the kisses didn't start it ... just looking at her did, but then the kisses came. Most of the time they were soft at first then harder as the desire built, but there were times when we just looked at each other and leaped into each other's arms ready to fuck. It was amazing and it never seemed to go away.

We were married a year after our first love making session. The day was a beautiful, clear, warm mountain day, not at all like the same day the year before. Mountain weather was taking some getting used to.

My family came up for the wedding. Just before the ceremony my father took me aside and asked me if I was interested in what happened to Laura. "Not particularly, but I think you're going to tell me anyway." I told him.

"Well, you know what happened in Wisconsin, don't you?"

"Her assaulting him? Yeah, I knew about that."

"She got six months in jail for that. After she got out, she came back to town and nobody wanted anything to do with her; even Hendricks. He was working at the same gym they trained at, but as a regular trainer. He couldn't advertise as an official Ironman trainer. She got her old job back because she does know a lot about computers. Anyway, she lost all interest in training for anything except maybe the annual 4th of July Hot Dog eating contest. My, God, son, she must have put on fifty pounds."

I laughed. The world was in its' proper orbit and I was getting ready to marry the love of my life.

Diane and I had seen her ex around town of course, but had never spoken to him.

We had been married for almost a year when I had to go to the hardware store. We had, by then one of the big box home stores that are all over the country. It, of course, undersold our two little local stores and they had been forced out of business.

Anyway, I needed new belts for my belt sander so I went to the box store. I was picking out what I needed when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned and it was Diane's ex, David Webster.

"Hello, stranger," he said.

"Hello," I said.

"How've you been?"

"Not bad." He was wearing a vest with the store's name on it. "Are you working here now?" I asked.

"Yeah, it's the only game in town. The pay's not bad and the benefits are great."

"Good," I said. "Well, I have what I need, so I'll be going."

He touched my arm and stopped me. "I want you to know you did me a favor."

"I did? What's that?"

"I don't have to pay alimony anymore."

I allowed as how it was not a problem and I thought to myself as I walked away, "yeah, but I get the birthday presents now!"