All Comments on 'Night Out Ch. 01'

Could have been much better and longer

Ok. This wasn't particularly good. I got the feel it was written in a rush without much care and attention. I'll give two examples of what makes me feel like this.

1) I presume your intent was to write an erotic story since it's posted on Lit... but the first half of the story reads like a live report from a malfunctioning SatNav. Not particularly sexy. Now if the same intro had been the introduction to a much longer story with more erotic content then maybe it wouldn't have been so bad - say if it had only been 10% of the story instead of half - then overall maybe there would have been something to enjoy.

2) "She floated round to the truck of her car like an angelic Angel".

Is she in a truck or a car?

Angelic Angel is redundant... the words mean exactly the same thing.

Also, they are exactly the wrong sentiment for the story. Look at what you have her doing next. "Angelic angels" don't do stuff like that. You could have gone with:

Dirty Angel,

Fallen Angel,

Naughty Angel,

Randy Angel,

Sexy Angel,

Smutty Angel,

Submissive Angel,

Mischievous Angel

.... just about anything that conveyed that she looked like an angel but her actions and intent were the opposite of angelic would have been better.

I don't want the comment to be longer than the story so I'll leave it with this advice. Slow down. Read it through to yourself out-loud. Take a day it two before you post (Lit ain't going anywhere). Think to yourself "is this really what I want to say".