No. 17 A Lucky Man

We went to a pub, I did what I never do, I got drunk, drunk as a skunk.

I woke with the sun shining in my eye, only one would open, my head, it felt that I had been hitting it against a wall, I had they told me later.

I had lost the rest of the weekend and Monday, I'd love to be able to say in a haze, but it's no haze, it's just a black hole.

My friends had made sure that I hadn't caused much damage to myself or others, one or other of them had been with me 24/7.

On Tuesday lunchtime, 3 of us were sat drinking coffee and eating toast, they told me that I had just drunk, more than they had ever seen me drink before, that I hadn't been a nasty drunk but nobody wanted to come near to find out.

I dozed the afternoon away, we had a takeaway for dinner and I had a good night's sleep.

Wednesday came with a clear head, no hangover. I spent the day thinking my options over. Supposedly on honeymoon I had no work to go to for the next two weeks. I sent my mates home thanking each one as much as I could. They saw that it was my decision and that I needed time on my own to sort it out.

I found my phone, the battery was flat, I put it on charge and waited. 30 minutes later it must have gotten enough charge to receive calls, the call log showed that I had missed 127 calls, my message box was full, and Messenger was just pages and pages long.

I saw 1 from Helen's dad, he just said to call if I wanted to talk. Most were from Helen, and several from an unknown number, I could guess who that was.

She was my old commanding officer, went by her maiden name so I had never put 2 and 2 together.

The bitch had split me up from Em, had made sure we didn't make it as a couple. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.

This revelation came as a shock, it was to me anyway, it put a different slant on how I felt towards my new bride, how did I feel towards my bride?

Can you get a marriage dissolved due to not consummating it if you had been living together before the ceremony?

I went to see my only best friend, Mary, she had always been there for me, always, through thick or thin, I picked up a takeaway Chinese for the two of us, a piece offering, I hoped.

I got out of my car as she drew up her drive, our old house, Dad had left it to the both of us, I had let her have it as being in the Army and away so much it wasn't much good to me.

Mary greeted me with a big hug and kissed my cheek.

"Looks like you want to come in." she said looking at the bag of food. We said little as the table was set and food dished out, we eat in near silence, as I cleared the dirty dishes Mary asked why was I here.

I told her everything that had happened, not about the work in the Army but about 'Mummy' and Helen, and how my head hurt so bad, how I was sick to my stomach with fear, fear of the future, fear of being that bad man again.

She didn't say anything for a long time.

"I need some time to let all you have told me sink in, your welcome to stay the night, I'll make up your old bed if you want, we can talk in the morning."

That's what we did, I slept the best I had for a week.

I came too with the sound of a crying baby. When I got downstairs Mary was feeding it with a bottle.

"Oh take him please I'm desperate for the loo." She pushed the bundle into my arms and shot out the room, now I had seen babies but had no contact with any in my life, but I sat and it, him, just kept sucking at the teat on the bottle, this was easy I thought, why do women make such a fuss of it went through my mind.

Then he started to cry, I looked at the bottle, it wasn't empty, put it back at his mouth but he didn't want anything to do with it, I started to worry as Mary came back into the room.

"He needs winding!" What the hell does that mean?

"Put him over your shoulder and pat his back." Mary said with a smile reaching for the kettle.

I did as instructed, even I realised not to hit him hard. He burped, giggled and hurled a big one. I smiled at Mary with the look that said 'easy', he burped again and I felt a warmth go down my neck. He giggled again, Mary laughed and I just sat there.

"Give him to me, you need to go change your top." Mary said still laughing.

When I got back down Mary had him in an arm making the tea for me, toast was in the toaster. I just looked at her with a puzzled expression.

"Oh he's just a friends, I look after him now and then. You staying long, the beds there whenever you want it."

I thanked her and said yes please, we talked about everyday things, both aware of the elephant that was with me at the moment.

I said that I needed to go for a walk, Mary said that she would come with me for the exercise, it wasn't until we were at the door that I thought of 'him', Mary just put him in a buggy wrapped him up well and opened the door.

We walked down to the local park, it brought back memories of our childhood, good and bad, we talked and walked, I hadn't made up my mind about Helen, moving towards not moving forward with her, she had plotted with her mother, plotted to ruin my life.

I still had deep feelings for Em, but she had made her mind up, hadn't been able to accept the Army, but now I knew more, was there more from her side of things? Never mind she must have moved on in her life like I had, moved on and away from me.

Mary and I ambled, stopped to look at the ducks on the pond, if he, I had to ask his name.

If Jon was awake and maybe a few months older he might have liked to watch as well went through my mind, it wasn't good to say it, but I was thankful that Helen had miscarried, it took a barb out of the hook that I felt she had in me.

My phone would make a noise or vibrate in my pocket every so often, I ignored it as best as I could, I did pick up on my friends, but not hers.

On the third day Mary told me that I had to do something, I had to tell her something, anything to put her in her place, go back and patch things up or go back and pack up.

I had a bed with her as long as I needed it.

Helen was living in the house that we intended to start our family, luckily I hadn't sold my place yet, it was for sale but I had a couple of buyers that were biding the price up between themselves, her father had put most of the money into buying it, a loan he said, we could pay him back. I phoned to make sure that she was home before going there.

"Oh Jono, I'm so happy that you have come to your senses, we can start again, nothing that has happened will make any difference to how we feel." Sang out as she opened the door.

"What do you mean? Nothings changed? Everything has changed. I have learned that I was set up, not only to be with you, but I was setup to fail with Em, Em was one of your mates, knowing how you treat your mates I'm not sure if I can go on with you,

"But Muumy only did it because she could see how much pain I was in with you and Em... and she said it didn't do anything about how you two felt towards each other, the Army would have come between you sooner or later, she said that I just had to bide my time, and I did.

I did, I've waited and waited for you to see me like you saw her, she was only my friend so I was close to you."

"I think you need to sit down and have a good look at yourself in a mirror, see what a nasty person, A, your mother is. and B, how you are following in her footsteps.

I thought there might be a chance but in just this couple of minutes I see you're just like you're Mother, you are going to be just as nasty as she is, so I think it's time to call this off, I'll see someone and get this over with, I'll let you know when I want to come and get my stuff."

I turned and left closing the door behind me to at least slow her down following me out.

It only slowed her down by a little, but what was the final nail in this comedy, I had to think of it as a comedy, I had to laugh at something or I'd cry, Mummy followed her out and both of them started to tell me that I couldn't leave, it would work out in the end.

The rest of the street must have heard a lot of what was going on, the volume from the pair of them made it had to miss, still, I wouldn't have to live here any longer I was thinking as I drove away.

I did think about stopping for a drink in the pub on the way back to Mary's but thought back to the last time I did that. I just drove.

I had to explain it all again, I wished that it made the way forward clearer to me the more times I said it, but it wasn't helping with my choices.

Over the next couple of months Helen and Mummy wouldn't stop pestering me, phone calls, texts, emails, you name it they tried it, I even came home to Helen waiting in a raincoat on my doorstep, she showed me how much she was missing me she said.

Opening the coat she was dressed(?) in a cupless corset, stockings attached to the corset and a butt plug with a big jewel showing as she bent over.

I must say I was tempted, very tempted, I had had no sex for a long time, and I knew that I could have done anything that night and maybe a few more, but my big head ruled, for once, it would be safer, and cheaper to pay for a hooker than bed Helen again.

She must have gotten the message when I looked her up and down, stepped past, opened the door and closed it behind me in her face. Mummy left a few more texts, but they had turned into more demands so I blocked her number.

I spent a lot of time at Marys, working as many hours as I could, or sorting my life out, not that I felt that I had much to look forward to, my place sold giving me a small nest egg.

I received an invite to an old Army friend's wedding, it was local and Mary talked me into going, I tried my best to get out of it but Mary wouldn't let me, my last go was to say that it was couples only, Mary just said she would come as partner.

The date jumped up before I had time to think of a way out, Mary was all plans and 'Did I like her in this dress, or would that one be better?' She's my sister, I couldn't say, 'no wear that one it shows you boobs off more' could I, anyway, I cleaned myself up for the day, haircut, shaved etc. even got a new suit.

There was I dressed up ready to go and Mary came out of her room holding Jon, baby Jon.

"What's going on?" I asked looking between the two.

"Sorry, I need to look after little one here, something special came up, but it's alright, I've arranged a stand in for me, you'll like her, she'll meet you at the church, you will know her by the dress she will have on, the one you liked best, plenty of boobs on show, I could see it in your eyes, be kind, she's doing me a favour, the taxi is waiting, go."

Time was short, so if I was going and it looked like I had no choice, I had to go.

At the church I looked all around outside, no luck, I was looking for a bright yellow dress, I spotted 2, had to count one off the list as she was holding hands with some bloke, so taking a big breath I walked to the row that the woman in the other yellow dress was sitting in, talking to a woman next to her.

"Excuse me, but are you....." I never got any further.

"I hope so." She said turning to face me. "Oh." her face showed as much of a shock as I think mine did. "Did Mary send you? Did you know?" I was nodding, Yes and No at the same time.

"I didn't know, Mary just asked me to help her out with an old friend as she didn't want to get involved with him..... Oh God, I better leave, I'm the last person you need to see, please let me out."

As she rose to her feet I put my hand on her arm.

"No, it's alright, unless you want to go, that is." I mumbled.

She sat back down, I still had my hand on her arm, she smiled and put her hand on top of mine.

"It's good to see you again, how are you doing? I hear that you have split with Helen. Oh god, sorry, I didn't mean to be mean, sorry, I better go before I put my foot in it anymore." She once again started to rise from her seat.

"No, it's alright, you have never been mean, you were always so kind Emma, please stay, even if it's only for the meal, don't let me sit alone." I nearly said 'Again' but refrained.

My mind was going all over the place, Emma, who was the last person in the whole world who I could have expected to be sitting here with me. My brain was spinning, my heart was pumping fast, my mouth had go dry.

"What do you think of the dress? Mary said she was going to wear one just like this, did you have anything to do with this? Oh I should just stop talking, I can see you are as surprised as I am, I'm just saying words to stop making doing..... Sorry." I reached over and held her chin, leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

At that moment, 'Here Comes The Bride' started from the organ, we all had to stand and look, everyone else was looking at the Bride, but Em and I were locked in looking at each other.

We shared a hymnbook, we did what we had to, it wasn't till we were outside and photos were being taken that we had a chance to talk.

"Can we just do this as a dinner with friends, can we talk later or would you like me to take you home or leave you here, I will respect how you feel about me." I said.

"Oh Jono...... I think we need to talk, but not here, let's enjoy the wedding and see where we are, I have some questions and some things that we need to clear up, but not now. Please."

The wedding was fine, the food? No idea what we ate, I steered off acholic drinks, only had the one glass of bubbly for the toast.

We danced, shuffled about, but Em pulled me in tight in the slow ones, I tried to keep my hardness from poking her, but Em moved her hips and kept it in contact with her as much as she could with this little smile as she did it.

I was surprised when she turned down so many men who asked her for a dance. "No thank you, I'm with Jono." was all she said.

I took her home in a taxi, but as I asked her address to give to the driver, she told me just to go to Mary's, she had something to pick up. I told her that I wanted to have a word with Mary. We held hands all the way.

"I thank you for today, it was good to see you again, but I think Mary has more surprises for you tonight, I'm sorry, I didn't know she was setting us up, honesty, I'll go as soon as I get my bundle of joy, leave you to let Mary talk to you.

Please believe me in how sorry I am, for the past and present, sorry."

I could see tears rolling down her cheeks, she was sniffing so I passed my handkerchief to her. Em was still dabbing her eyes as she stept out of the taxi, knocking on the door as I paid the driver off, I would drive her home myself.

Mary was slow opening the door, shushing us to be quiet as Jon had just gone to sleep.

"I know you both have things to say to me, but, but you have more to say to each other first, I'm going to bed, Jon will sleep in my room. I will deal with him for tonight. I've made a large pot of coffee, 2 glasses are on the coffee table with drinks in the cupboard, help yourselves, good night." and disappeared up the stairs.

Em and I were left with little else to do but put our coats in the cupboard, pour coffee and sit and talk.

We now had two elephants to talk about, but which one first, and who was going to start. Em made the decision.

"I can't tell you how sorry I am for the way I treated you, please forgive me." I took her hand in mine nodding. I had a hard time with you gone, I missed you, missed your touch, missed your kisses and when this woman turned up at the door with pictures, of you, kissing some girl, she told me what you had been up to, all the times you were away from me...... And I believed her, I BELIVED HER."

I started to say that I had never kissed anyone but her while I had been with her, but she just kept talking. "They had pictures, they kept telling me how unfaithful you were, how you were whoring around, bedding any woman that you could...... and I believed them, they told me it was better for me and you if I ended it and had nothing to do with you again, and I believed them, they had me on my own telling me all these things... and I just went along with it... It was a long time and much too late that Mary told me the truth, much too late to patch things up.... Much too late." her tears hadn't stopped from the beginning of her speaking.

I sat still, I can see it in my mind, Helen and Mummy, Helen and Mummy doing all this, well Mummy mostly, I wanted to kill them, I could see it in my mind, just how and how slowly.

"It's alright, it's alright, there are things that you don't know, but it's in the past. I have to ask..... about Jon, are you with his father?" Em looked up in shock.

"You really don't know do you." I just looked at her blankly. "Mary hasn't told you anything has she." l shook my head no. "Please don't think badly of me, please, I was desperate, I had nothing else I could do.... Mary Told me that I could stay here." she said pointing around the room. "But like everything that I've done since..... since that phone call, I've done everything wrong." Emma burst in to floods of tears, rushed off, hopefully only to the loo.

Em returned 10 minutes later, red eyed and sniffing still.

"I sorry this is so hard, seeing you today, being with you holding your hands again, feeling you hold me.. kissing you, it's brought back so much, all the things I messed up, if only I had waited if only I had talked to.... anyone. Oh I don't know if I can go on, I can't tell you about the things that I have done." The tears started again, again the rush to the loo.

I made a fresh pot of coffee, we drank it sitting on the sofa, I pulled her into my side.

"Might it make it easier if you didn't look at me? Just pretend that I am just person who cares, cares about you, because I do, I still care about you Emma." Em started to talk to the wall, I held her, my arm over her shoulder, one of hers hands gripping my thigh.

"I lost my job, I lost my mind I think, I was eating less and less, I never drank, couldn't afford it, I was down to thinking that I might have to go begging on the street. I met this girl. PLEASE DONT JUDGE ME, I met this girl who looked nice, like I used to, she dressed nice, smelled nice, looked great, we got talking and...... " her grip on my thigh got painfully tight. It came out in a rush. "She, Amber, talked me into helping her..... If you know what I mean, she took me to a party, loaned me a dress, underwear make up, the works, I think that in the back of my mind I knew what was expected.... But it was a shock.

Half way through the evening, I had been dancing and talking to loads of people, but then she took my hand and pulled me away, upstairs.... into a bedroom.... I didn't put up much of a fight..... she took my dress off, told me to do the same to her..... I did..... and then..... and then two men came into the room. You can guess the rest. When they had finished we dressed and she dropped me off at home, gave me more money than I had ever earned in a week, let alone a night..... Amber came around the following weekend, it was the same thing, different party, different men, but........ I let them have sex with me, and the next weekend, and the next, then I was with her as men watched, we put on a show, men paid and some women, they paid for sex, I gave it to them, but that's all it was, sex, Amber couldn't get over that I would not kiss, I'd kiss her but nobody else.

I better go now, now you know what I have become, I'm so so sorry, but thank you for listening to me, it has made me feel a little better telling you, you'll always be my lover, but I don't expect that you want anything to do with me now, I'll go, tell Mary I'll pop back in the morning and pick up Jon."

"The fuck you will, who's Jon's dad? Is he still in your life?" I think I more or less shouted at her. Em shook her head no.

Mary came in the doorway. "Keep it down, you'll wake Jon. Will you both do me a big favour?" we nodded. "Em, take Jono to the bedroom, fuck his brains out for the night, Jono, don't hurt her, but for God's sake, give her the fucking of her life, but I don't want to see you, either of you until your both satisfied. Don't look at me like that, you both know that's what you both want, get it over with, then in the morning see if you can make a go of it. Now go fuck."