Not a Chance in Hell

The tension created a few moments of discomfort between Holly and me. It all came crashing down when Holly dropped her bomb. "John, I have been offered a position in Australia. The job offer is so good. It is hard to say no. I will say no if you can tell me that what we have is more than friends having some fun."

Her announcement stunned me, and I couldn't answer. She added softly. "John, I really like you, and I think it could be more than that, but I need to know how you feel."

"Okay, Holly. I like you. This whole experience opened my mind, like a rusty can. I don't know what to say. I like you, as well. I would like to see if it could grow into more than that, but God, I would hate to stop you from undertaking something you want so badly. I can't make any promises."

"What would you say if I told you I want to go?"

"I would say I love you. Go with my full support. Holly, I have this feeling that we could be so much more, but, if it's meant to be, it will be."

She gave me a searing kiss that exploded my mind. "Thank you, John. Rafe thinks he's the philosopher, but I think you understand life equally as well. Thank you for being in my life."

It was the last time we made love. She was gone within weeks.

My life fell in a deep hole after that. Holly and I chatted a few times on the phone. When she saw how unhappy I was, she said. "Why don't you call Lee? She would love to talk to you."

"No, I think that flame is well and truly extinguished. She hasn't contacted me since that night I said no to Rafe coming around."

"John, sometimes you can be so naive. She wants to talk to you. She wants to see you. She is just nervous."

A couple of nights later, there was a knock on the door and Lee stood there holding out pizza. "I got a meatlovers for you."

It broke the ice, and we talked, ending up in bed making love. It was the start of a brief but explosive couple of months. Things went quickly back to pre-Holly days.

I guess it was to be expected. She again floated the idea of moving in with she and Rafe. At first I was angry, horrified, appalled. But as the weeks turned into months and our relationship grew, I started to consider it.

*****

It took months, but in the end, the thought of spending more time with her twisted my arm.

It took me another month to finish my lease and I moved in with them. It was every bit as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Rafe and I were distant, and it was awkward. The first night, watching them head off to bed together, Lee giggling made me nauseous. Jealousy and anger tugged on my heart. I wondered what the fuck I was doing.

Thankfully, the bedrooms were isolated from each other, so I couldn't hear them. The next night Lee flirted and teased me all night, and this time it was Rafe who had to watch us closing the bedroom door.

Knowing Rafe was just up the hallway drove me to try harder, than I ever had. Our love making was extra spicy. I took a lot of time to lick her pussy, making sure, she had a couple of powerful orgasms. For the main event, I had no problems getting it up twice.

Afterwards, as we cuddled together, Lee sniggered. "Wow, this really gets you going, doesn't it?"

That's how it went for a couple of weeks. We took turns, she slept with Rafe one night, and me the next. It became routine, but even after that length of time, it still made me feel uneasy watching them together. I guess we had all started to become more comfortable with each other. Rafe and I fell back into our old discussions and arguments. Our views were so polar opposite it was fun. We argued about everything, not in a bad way, it was all deep discussion more than argument. The only thing that unsettled me was his inability to laugh. Everything was so serious with him.

When I mentioned it to Lee, she said, "Ahh, you are starting to understand why this works. You both give me something different. I love that you bring light and laughter, Rafe is spiritual, philosophical, profound. But he can be very dark; your light-hearted take on life lifts me."

Even paying a third of the housing and food costs, I was able to save enough to allow me to buy a house. I might not live in it, but it would be a good investment. I started trolling through the real estate pages, and weekends going to open homes. Lee was shocked, but she soon got caught up in the excitement of it. Rafe, on the other hand, was disgusted with me.

"Good god, John. You're going to become one of them. Money isn't everything. We have a house."

"Yeah, but it is tied to Lee's job. It belongs to the Ministry of Education. If she finishes up, we will be out on our arses."

"That doesn't mean you have to join the avaricious materialistic elitists. Money really is the root of all evil, you know. It changes people."

Lee snapped, "Stop it, Rafe, just because those are your opinions. Not everybody shares them."

He sulked badly and stormed off to bed. That was a win for me. Lee spent the night with me, and it was his night.

Lee visited a couple of open homes with me, and the house I chose was her suggestion. When the purchase went through I was elated and took great delight in buying some champagne to celebrate. Rafe did begrudgingly offer his congratulations.

We learned a lot about each other over the next couple of months. Rafe really was a deeply spiritual person and I discovered he volunteered for a few organisations. That was the good side of him. Giving, generous, kind-hearted.

Lee wouldn't let the threesome thing sleep, though. She talked about it a lot. Tucked up in bed post-lovemaking one evening, she asked, "Don't you wonder what Rafe and I do in bed? Doesn't it tickle your imagination at all? I mean, when we were with Holly, It was incredible. Don't you think it could be the same with Rafe?"

She gave me a gentle kiss. "I read somewhere men in these situations always worry about the other lover's cock size. Does that make you nervous?" Her hand drifted down to squeeze my dick. "Well, do you?"

"No, I know you don't understand, but the only way this works for me is when that bedroom door closes, I try to forget. I don't like the thought of you and him together."

"Why, you're right though. I don't understand."

"Call it jealousy, anger, resentment. All of those would fit. I hate the fact you sleep with him. I only survive by closing my door and trying to ignore it."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, babe. I hoped that you would become curious, find it stimulating. I didn't want it to make you feel bad."

Her hand continued to stroke my cock and it reacted to the caress. "Babe, it's my biggest fantasy, I would love to have both of you in my bed."

Her caress became a little firmer, and even although we had already made love, the desire grew, as did my cock.

Days passed and that conversation became a constant. She wanted it, and I guess, if it was brainwashing it worked. I started to actually consider it. In fact the damn images became part of my dreams when I was asleep. Pictures developed like negative images in the dark. It permeated my every fibre, it became a desire.

It took me by surprise. One minute we were all sitting in the lounge, talking, laughing, arguing. Then Lee decided she was going to try. It started as a kiss, her beautiful sexy lips crushed on mine, our tongues slithering, entwined together.

Then she kissed Rafe, and it was equally as passionate. Their bodies melting together.

That was the first night we had sex together as a threesome, all in the same bed. Lee impaled at both ends, my cock buried in her slippery convulsing pussy as Rafe assaulted her mouth.

It was nice to know, purely egotistically, my cock was bigger.

Afterwards, Lee was in heaven and took great delight is saying, "See, babe, I told you, didn't I?"

She wasn't wrong, but she wasn't right. I did enjoy it, but it wasn't earth shattering. Watching her suck Rafe's dick was like watching porn. It was arousing, but didn't bring me closer to him. That was a step I wasn't taking. We made love, or for the want of a better word "fucked" Lee. There was no contact between Rafe and me. I hated even kissing her after she had sucked him, and if he came in her mouth, there was no way in hell I was going there. The same was true if he fucked her. I settled for a blowjob.

We didn't do it every night, it was sort of our special occasions thing. Maybe once a fortnight.

Lee was never happy with it. We talked about it a lot. She wanted me to let go and join in fully. Rafe, as well, wanted more. I'm not sure why I couldn't, maybe because I still harboured some hatred for him. He did destroy my marriage.

Still, as they say life goes on. We played happy house for the best part of a year, and it was fun. It all blew up towards the end of the year. Lee began talking about starting a family. Rafe was right on board with it. It was something he wanted very badly.

Myself, I was hesitant, reluctant to take that step. With the Christmas holidays not far away, Rafe and Lee were already on annual leave. They sprang it on me at dinner one night. Sitting at the table, enjoying a sumptuous meal, Lee threw a packet at me.

I caught it and read the label. Glancing at her, I asked, "What is this for?"

"Those, my sweet, are my contraceptive pills. Today, I stopped taking them."

Confused, I asked, "What happens from now on then?"

Rafe cut her off. "From now on, we are no longer just making love. We are starting a family."

Lee added. "Babe, we have talked about this. It's time, things have been so wonderful around here. The house is full of love. I want to fill the house with babies."

"Whose?" I spluttered.

"Ours." Rafe interjected. "John, we don't want to differentiate. We don't care who the father is. The children will be ours. All of ours, yours, mine, and of course, Lee's."

I think they both saw the confusion and hesitancy in my eyes as I listened to them. "Lee, I'm not ready for this. I'm not sure this is the right environment to bring a child into. Kids need parents, a stable home."

"But this is a stable home, and there will be so much love. With three parents, there will always be somebody available. We can roster the sleepless nights. We will be able to take turns. Don't you see, babe, this is perfect."

"No, I need to have my chance to discuss this. I need to be party to the discussion. I'm not ready."

She smiled. "Too late, babe, I stopped tonight. From now on, we are making babies."

"No, well at least I'm not. I love you, Lee, and I would like children, but not like this. What happens if Rafe is the father, and something terrible happens to him. You can't expect me to raise his child."

"But, honey, it's not his child. It's ours. That's why it's important that none of us know who the father is. That way there will be no bias."

"Sorry, Lee, but I'm not doing it. If you stop taking those pills tonight, then from now on. I will be wearing condoms, or getting a lot of blow jobs."

Rafe snapped, his voice rasped nastily. "That's ridiculous. We all need to be in this, otherwise it doesn't work."

Lee jumped in quickly. "John, you said you love me. I know I love you. Don't you want a family?"

"Yes, but not until I'm ready. At the moment, I don't feel like I am."

We finished the dinner in a cold silence. There were lots of furtive glances. Lee even had some tears. As was our norm, we all helped with the tidying up and dishwashing. Normally we talked, but tonight, it was deadly silent.

After finishing I announced. "I'm going to bed. I have stuff to do tomorrow."

Lee sighed. "I was hoping we could all make love together, to celebrate our decision. I wanted it to be a special night."

"Sorry Lee, I don't feel that it is a celebration. You two made the decision. You didn't ask me. You told me." Walking away, I called back, "Goodnight."

My heart raced; it was pounding so hard I was scared that I might be having a heart attack. In bed, I started to rationalise, why I was so upset. It wasn't just that they didn't ask me. I wasn't convinced this was right.

The lights were out and I lay there on my back thinking, staring into the darkness when the door opened and Lee walked in. She sat on the bed. "John, I'm sorry. You were right, this is a momentous decision, and we should have talked to you first. We have decided to wait. Rafe was right, as well, this can't work unless we are all on board."

Trying to quell my racing heart, I asked, "So, you're going to continue to take the contraceptives?"

It was dark. I couldn't look her in the eyes, but the waver in her voice made me suspicious. "Yes, I will start taking them again. I have only missed today's. I will start again in the morning."

When I didn't say anything she stood, stripped and climbed into bed beside me. "Hold me, babe."

I pulled her into my arms and we lay staring into the dark. Eventually, I heard her breathing soften, and her cute little snorting snore meant she was asleep. I enjoyed no such luxury. All I could think about was the future.

Saturday morning I went to my Tai Chi class and followed that up at the gym and WuShu. After a very physical work out, I was approached by Steve, our Grand Master. "John, we have been invited to participate in some demonstrations in Wellington next week. Would you like to attend?"

"How long will we be away?"

Five days. We leave Wednesday and come back Monday."

It sounded good. It would give me time to consider my options.

Back at the house I announced my trip away. Rafe seemed interested, but Lee seemed annoyed. "Do you have to go?"

"No, but I want to. It will be a bit of fun, and it was an honour to be asked. There are going to be teams there from all over the country."

Sunday, we usually all went somewhere together. Lee liked to think of it as our family day out. I backed out saying, "I need to practice. I don't want to let Steve down."

It was the same Monday night, and again Tuesday. When Lee walked into my bedroom, I said I was tired. She saw through me, it was paper thin. "This is because of me wanting a baby isn't it?"

"Yeah, Sorry, Lee, but I'm sort of up in the air about it."

"Babe, I told you. I have started taking the pill again. I am safe until you are ready."

Sucking in a deep breath for courage I said, "How do I know that, Lee? I mean, I saw how eager you were. You might just as easily have stopped, and not be telling me the truth."

"You think I would lie about something that important?"

"I don't know. All I know is, your history with telling the truth isn't that good, and I'm scared."

"Oh my god. You do think I'm lying. You don't trust me do you, John?"

"No, I suppose not."

"So we can't make love?"

"We could, but it would mean using a condom."

"A condom!" she hissed. "Why would we need a condom? I told you. I'm taking the damn pill."

"Why is it a big deal? If you want to make love from now on, I will use a condom. I don't see an issue with that."

"Fuck you, John. If you don't trust me, I'm not sure we have anything."

She turned and walked out. In the morning the house was cool. I said my goodbyes at the breakfast table and hit out for the airport.

Waiting with the team at the airport, I got a text from Lee. "I'm sorry you don't trust me. Maybe I deserve that, but it hurts. Have a good trip."

The trip was perfect. I got time to reconsider my future. The decision to start a family brought everything into perspective. Just like after our divorce, and I dated single women looking for fun, I noted that the missing element was intimacy. I realised I was now doing the same thing. The relationship with Rafe and Lee was fun, and I did love her, but there was something missing.

Walking back in the house, Lee met me at the door with a big hug and kiss. "God, I have missed you. How did it go?"

"It was good fun. Very enjoyable, and I bet you didn't even know I was gone."

She shoved me. "Idiot, of course I missed you, we both did."

"I was only joking. It was a fun trip. However, it did give me a chance to think, and I think we all have to talk." I tried to make it seem light, keeping my voice steadier than I felt.

Lee gave me a worried glare. "Why? Oh god, this isn't about the contraceptives again, is it?"

I nodded. "Yeah, in a way. Look, can we sit down. I was going to leave it till later, but if we're doing it, let's get comfy."

We all walked over to the table and Lee made us some tea. As we sat sipping the piping hot brew, Lee said, "All right, John, what do you want to talk about?"

"Us, I guess. All of us, this relationship."

"John, if it's about us starting a family."

I cut her off. "It is and it isn't. Lee, while I was away I thought about us, and what that means. I came to a realisation, I'm not happy. This relationship isn't working for me. I'm going to move out."

Rafe glanced at Lee who sat staring open mouthed. Eventually, she spluttered, "If it's just because we want children, we can wait, we can work with you."

"No, Lee, it's not just the kid's, that was part of it. When I tried to understand why that upset me so much. I started to get a feeling for it. I've never really committed to this. I'm here for you, no other reason. I still love you and I let that drag me into this. I think deep down, I wanted to sabotage what you and Rafe have. I wanted you to myself."

Rafe nodded along as he absorbed my words. "Yes, I suppose it was obvious. You have never really been into this. Your refusal to fully engage in our lovemaking should have told us."

Lee just glared at me, her eyes burned deep. "You said you aren't happy. Why is that?"

"It's because I don't see a future for this relationship. I have been treading water, waiting for it to fail. I do want children, I want a wife and family of my own. I don't want to parent somebody else's kids. That probably sounds petty and selfish, but that's how I feel."

She scowled, "But we were going to have children."

"Yeah, but not mine. I want a real marriage, not a make-believe one. I don't want to share. I want my wife to love me, not somebody else."

"But I do love you. I have said it so many times," she sobbed. She saw her precious marriage dissolving in front of her, and she didn't like it.

"Lee, this is never going to stand the test of time. We are just playing at it. The only way this can work is if the three people all love each other. I like Rafe, but I don't love him."

Rafe nodded. "You're right, John. You refused to commit. Right from the

"I don't feel that way about you, Rafe, I like you, but that's all. For this to work, it would require us to be bi. I'm not wired that way."

Lee wiped away her tears as she asked, "So what happens now?"

"I'm going to move out, leave you guy's to become the family you want to be. You were doing fine before I moved back. You need to focus on finding your own centre."

Lee rushed away, tears streaming down her face. Rafe sighed. "This is going to be hard for her. She really loves you, John."

"I love her, as well. But I need to find my own way."

He stood up and we hugged. "I'm sorry you couldn't see your way to engage with us. I promise if you had, this would have been amazing."

I moved out the next day. I found myself living at the backpackers again, just like the last time I moved out. The house I purchased was leased out. It meant I would need to find a place to stay.

It was my boss who again threw me a lifeline. I made such a good impression at helping set up the Wellington office that he offered me a promotion. We were starting a new office based in Tauranga, my old home town. He offered me the managers role. It fitted perfectly.

I moved at the end of the month. I stayed with Mum while I searched for a permanent place. Setting up the office, employing staff, organising furniture and equipment totally absorbed my time. My only release was Tai Chi. There was no longer a WuShu gym in town.