Not a Chance in Hell

"You're telling me you had sex with him?"

"John, I'm so sorry; I didn't think it was going to be such a big deal."

"Fuck you, Lee. I can't have been more explicit in explaining my feelings about this. I think you better leave."

"John, please. Don't just explode; let's talk about it. Don't overreact."

"Lee, either you leave right now, or I'm leaving. That's the end as far as I'm concerned."

"You're just angry, John. Please, calm down and take a breath. We can work through this."

"Like fuck we can. Are you leaving or not?"

"No, I'm staying here. We have to get through this. I know it's going to be hard, but we have to discuss it properly."

"All right. Have it your way, Lee."

I jumped up and headed for the bedroom. My suitcases were already packed, I grabbed some extra changes of clothes, jammed them into her suitcase and another backpack. I was just shoving clothes into the backpack when she walked in. "John, for heaven's sake, love. What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving. I'm not putting up with this. I'll be back as soon as I can find somewhere to live."

Distraught, she pleaded. "John, stop, you don't have to go. Please, let's talk about what happened."

"No chance, Lee. I'm leaving. I will apply for a separation agreement as soon as I can find a solicitor."

I walked past her as she stood staring at me, her mouth hanging wide open. "You're not serious?"

"Yes, I am actually, Lee. This marriage is officially over."

I barged past her as I carried the last bag out to my car. "Have a nice life, Lee."

I had never felt anger like it. I was infuriated, my blood pumped ferociously through my bulging veins. God only knew where I was going to go. I had no clue. I didn't want to publicise our problems, not until I was sorted anyway. As I sped out towards the motorway, I saw a big flashing neon sign: "Backpackers."

Good enough. It was cheap and close to the motorway for work.

Carrying the last of my things into my room I tried to figure out how we ended up It had been coming for a long time, I supposed. In some ways, I knew it was coming. It was like watching a car crash. It happened in slow motion and had an almost inevitable feel to it.

*****

Lee and I had been married for about three years. The early parts of our marriage could only be described as idyllic. Perfect really. Sometimes, you meet somebody and the attraction is so strong it is impossible to evade. That was us. I knew from the moment we met that she loved me. Equally as obvious was that I felt the same way about her. I had been instantly attracted to her innocent naivete, her deep intellect. She was clever and loved life. A good looking woman, tall and lithe, she moved with the sensual elegant grace of stalking cat. Her features were elfin, a sexy pixie, big beautiful iridescent blue eyes that shone brightly. Maybe she wasn't your classic beauty, but she had a sensual sexuality and inner beauty that emanated from her.

Our marriage seemed happy. Like all young couples, we had our ups and downs. Work was our biggest argument. She was a teacherIt was such a great job, I accepted the responsibility of managing peoples pension funds. Having their futures in my hands was a responsibility that I didn't take lightly. Being fresh out of Uni, I had to work hard to make an impact. It meant long hours and it was stressful. My stress release was WuShu and Qi Gong. Martial arts were my second love. I had practised since I was a young teen. I started with Karate, just because it was locally available, but I attended a demonstration of WuShu and fell in love with the fluid beauty of it. Where Karate was direct and forceful, WhShu was graceful, swirling movements, more like interpretive dance than a fighting sport.

It was the last year when things seemed to run off the rails. Lee liked to work out, as well, although her preferred outlet was Yoga. I had toyed with Yoga, myself, although once I was introduced to Tai Chi, like WuShu, I fell in love with it. Personally, I thought it provided everything that Yoga did, just with more beauty.

We both moved to Auckland from Tauranga for work. The driving force was Lee getting a posting at Auckland Girls Grammar. One of the most prestigious schools in the Country. I searched around and picked up a job at Permanent Investments: a specialised superannuation company.

Auckland was new to us. We knew nobody, so for us to be involved in other activities was important. We didn't want to just socialise with work colleagues. We both felt we needed a wider circle of friends.

She scared the crap out of me when we were preparing dinner one night. "John, I met the most incredible man today."

The way she said it made me shiver. "You met a man; should I be scared?"

She gave me a funny glare. "What are you talking about?" Then I saw the light go on and she giggled softly. "No, fool, not like that. He is a Yoga instructor. I signed up for his class."

I wiped away a mock bead of sweat. "Phew, you had me worried for a minute."

We carried to food over to the table and sat down to eat. "John, he is such an interesting man. He is so widely travelled and has such a deep intellect. He exudes a spirituality; he's an idealist really, I suppose. He opened my eyes a little."

Listening to her go on about him made me a little jealous. She seemed infatuated. Not wanting to spoil a wonderful dinner. I just listened, adding the odd comment like. "He does sound intriguing."

"Oh he is, Honey. He teaches philosophy, as well."

That one surprised me. "Yoga and philosophy, wow interesting man. Where does he teach?"

"Oh, it's not a formal class as such. He runs the classes at the Polytech."

"Wow, he seems busy."

Giving me this sort of disbelieving look, she added, "He is a counsellor, as well. He volunteers for lots of organisations and he runs his own marriage counselling business."

"Holy shit, how does he find the time?"

She sniggered playfully. "God knows, but he is so interesting to talk to. I have been using Yoga just as exercise, but he talked a little about the spiritual elements. I tell you babe, he really opened my eyes."

"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?"

"Oh definitely, I just wanted to share."

Giving her a comforting, hopefully supportive glance, I replied. "I'm glad you did. You know I love to hear about your day."

Those conversations became a regular part of our evenings. I could see how much this guy affected Lee. Suddenly she was wanting to have deep philosophical discussions. We were deep into topics that previously never graced our table. Religion, spiritualism, and of course, politics.

When she said she wanted to take Rafe's night class in philosophy, it did give me a cold shiver. She seemed to be seeing a lot of him, and he was having a huge impact on her.

When I questioned her, she seemed shocked. "Lee, I don't mind you taking a bigger interest in things. In fact, I love that you are developing this depth. But, do you think it's good to see so much of this bloke?"

Confused and ill at ease she replied, "If it makes you uncomfortable, then I won't go. I can't explain it, John. Rafe has opened not only my eyes, but my mind. I'm not an idiot, but he has introduced me to concepts that historically, I ignored, have passed right over me. Looking back just a couple of months, I can't believe how shallow I was."

"I wasn't trying to stop you seeing him. I just thought that perhaps another opinion. Get some information from other sources."

She smiled. "John, my Love. I have been reading all sorts of books on spirituality. Rafe gave me a reading list that is as long as your arm."

"That's good. I just want you to enjoy life."

"Oh, babe, I am. I feel it inside. I guess I have always had these questions. I just never knew it. I was cruising. Now I have a deeper purpose. Sounds silly, I suppose."

"No, no it doesn't. Lee, I love seeing you this passionate about life, and what hides inside. I guess I was just nervous. I'm sorry, if you feel that strongly, I want you to take his class. Maybe you can teach me."

She smiled warmly. "Come to bed and I will teach you some new Yoga moves."

Our lovemaking was always passionate and fulfilling. We seemed so in synch with each other.

*****

Lee seemed pretty happy to have a new friend. It wasn't just Rafe. She met other people at Rafe's philosophy classes. Apparently, Lee wasn't the only one to enjoy his teachings. I did meet a few of them, and they did seem nice. A couple were a bit flimsy, and I wondered why they were at a philosophy class. But hey. It takes all kinds.

There weren't many days when Rafe's name didn't appear during our evening catch ups.

Her taking his class in the evening did allow me to spend more time at my martial arts training. Previously, I had felt guilty. Now with her being so deeply involved, it freed up my guilt and I enjoyed a couple of extra nights at the gym, training. It did wonders for my skill level.

Lee's interest in philosophy led to these long in-depth discussions on topics I never expected to have with her. During the early stages of my Tai Chi classes, I learned the art of meditation, and mindfulness. Now it was something we shared together. We set aside a little time each night to give to ourselves. That wasn't the only change. Lee seemed so keen on putting some of what she learned into practice she started volunteering at a local battered wives shelter.

That opened up more time for me to practice WuShu, so no arguments, not even when she dragged me along to help on a working bee at the shelter. When I met some of the woman and we talked, I was introduced to a new level of horror. Some of the stories they told were so shocking that I wondered how Lee stayed so positive. All the chatter around the shelter from the victims was about how helpful Lee was. When I saw her hugging and crying with some of the victims, I felt a surge of pride, so strong; it made me blush.

I was a bit of a shit, really. Shallow probably. I liked to laugh, too much, really. I used humour like a shield. I knew I came across as glib, uncaring. It was something I tried to reduce, but I guess the habits of a lifetime are not that easy to reduce.

Lee often told friends my humour was one of the things that attracted her to me. I liked that I was able to make her laugh, I saw it as important, but lately, I had seen her wince when I made some off-hand sarcastic remarks. For the first time in our relationship, she chided me. "Stop it, John. That's not nice; sometimes you can be far too cynical."

*****

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when she asked me one day, "John, would you mind if I invited Rafe home for dinner one evening after class? I'm sure you're going to get along great. He is really interesting to talk to."

"Yeah, cool. After everything you said about him, I'll look forward to seeing if the reality matches the legend."

She shook her head in dismay. "Why would you say something like that?"

Shrugging her off, I said, "Come on, Lee. You've sort of built him up into this cult-like status. It will be hard for him to live up to the hype."

Her expression changed slowly and she frowned. "I'm sorry, you're probably right. I have been holding him up as a bit of a paragon of virtue. I'm sorry if I've gone on a bit."

I laughed. "I don't mind, Lee, but you have set the bar pretty high. If he is going to live up to his legend, he's going to have to be super cool."

*****

Meeting Rafe was interesting. As Lee had told me over and over, he was a very spiritual guy. He had his own philosophies and beliefs, and he was so passionate about them it was hard not to be drawn into them. He talked with such strength and depth. He definitely had an opinion about everything, and he wasn't shy about sharing them.

Lee was right though; I did like him. He was beyond interesting. I could see why she was so intrigued. He had spent years travelling the world, learning and listening. He was so damn knowledgable about important issues.

I noted with interest that Lee took a great deal of care getting ready for his arrival that Saturday night.

As we talked, I found myself falling into his personality. He was one of those people: he didn't try to overpower, or dominate the conversation, he was just an interesting enigmatic guy to talk to.

It wasn't all about him, either. He dragged out my life story, and showed a great deal of interest in Qi Gong. Especially the meditation; he seemed impressed that I liked to meditate.

He was, however, a very serious solemn character. I found out quickly that you couldn't joke with him. As I mentioned earlier, humour was my thing, I loved to joke around and make funny sarcastic comments. He didn't like that, no, not at all. He saw it as insulting. Knowing he was coming, I learned a few jokes about Yoga and counselling. I tried to ease one into our conversation, and I watched as his face dropped and he frowned painfully. I decided in the interests of having a pleasant night. To keep the rest to myself.

Still, opposites attract, I guess. We managed to form a friendship; maybe we wouldn't if it hadn't been for Lee, who unofficially played mediator.

After Rafe left and we were tucked up in bed, Lee asked, "So what did you think? God, he is so interesting to talk to, isn't he?" Her eyes were bright and sparkly, her expression effusive.

"Yeah, he definitely has an opinion about everything."

She scowled, thinking that I was being disrespectful. "What do you mean by that?"

"I just meant he has strong views on everything. He is a bit dark though."

She nodded, accepting I was being honest. "I think he was trying to impress you."

I pulled her into an embrace. "He didn't have to, he seems nice enough, and yes, very interesting."

Rafe slowly became a more regular visitor to our place. We exchanged lessons; he taught me a little about Yoga, and I returned the favour explaining the spiritual side of both Qi Gong and WuShu. It became a bit of a thing. We combined some Qi Gong with Yoga and we all practised together.

There were some downsides, though. As much as I liked him, there were elements I didn't like. He was a vegan, and Lee was so absorbed with his teachings and ideals. She decided to follow his example.

That created a little tension within our relationship. I didn't mind her accepting new principles and putting them into practice. What irritated me was her trying to instil her new values on me.

Because she did most of the shopping, I relied on her for food. I noticed straight away there was now never enough meat in the house.

It didn't matter how much I complained, she ignored my pleas. It forced me to take on shopping for myself. I filled the freezer with all my favourites: pork chops, steak, bacon and fish.

Lee had been a meat eater all her life. I appreciated she had these new values and wanted to change. I accepted that. What infuriated me was the preaching. Suddenly, having meat defrosting on the bench was distasteful. Funny, there's that old saying about none being so virtuous as the recently converted; well, I can confirm. That is the damn truth..

Lee, because she got home much earlier than I did, had always done most of the cooking. Now, dinnertime was made up of all these weird and wonderful vegetarian meals. I guess she was hoping I would change with her. All it did was strengthen my resolve. I cooked my own dinners, taking great delight in filling the house with the aromas of grilling steaks or frying bacon.

Lee hated it. She became so passionate about her new principles she actually lectured me. Wow, I hated that. I hoped that Rafe would help, and he did to a certain extent, but the one thing I found out about Lee: she's a very obstinate person, especially when she feels so passionate about something.

What I hated was if we had guests, or if Rafe was coming over for dinner, Lee went to great trouble to cook something vegan. She did throw in something for me as well, but it was, almost as an afterthought. I missed out on I understood that she hated cooking two separate meals, but come on...

If Rafe was over, and it was just the three of us together they both ganged up on me to at least try the dish Lee cooked. In all honesty I would have happily, but her continued attempts to convert me only hardened my approach.

It came to a head when Lee decided one Saturday afternoon to have a barbecue. She went out and brought salads, and as an attempt to keep me onboard, substitute meat-free burger patties. Thankfully, she also brought real meat ones, as well. Leading up to the barbecue, she said, "John, why not just try the substitute ones; you might actually like them."

"No thanks, you got real ones. I will stick to them."

"All I'm saying is cook both. If you don't like the substitutes, you can eat the others."

She realised by my look of determination that I wasn't going to be deterred.

Rafe arrived and they worked together on the salads in the kitchen, leaving me to do the cooking. Firing up the grill, I went to the fridge and got out the patties. As I unpacked them, I noticed that the supposedly real meat ones weren't meat at all. She had repackaged them, but they were identical. She was trying to trick me into eating the vegetarian ones. I knew exactly what would happen. She was hoping I would just eat them, and then when she asked whether I liked them, she would say, "Ha, gotcha, they're vege patties."

I was so pissed off, I decided on a double cross. I sneaked into the house; they were so busy chatting they missed me. I went to the freezer, got out some frozen meat patties and chucked them on the grill. The substitute ones, I tossed in the rubbish.

By the time they came out with the salads, I had finished and was ready to serve. I made a big deal out of pointing out the ones on the green plate were the vege ones, and the ones on the red plate were meat.

Rafe smiled conspiratorially. "Well, it all smells delicious."

We all made our own burgers and chowed down. I watched on interestedly as they chomped into their food. I said nothing apart from enjoying the conversation. With elections coming up later that year, Rafe had very strong views. He was a passionate Greens voter.

That got some quick retorts from me, and the chatter quickly grew in intensity.

It wasn't till the end that Lee asked, "How was your burger, John?"

"Nice actually. Very tasty. What about yours?"

She giggled mischievously. "Mine was fabulous. You know yours were vege ones, as well, don't you?"

I nodded, returning her smile. "Actually, the laughs on you. I saw you tried to trick me, so I changed everybody's to real meat from the freezer. Glad you enjoyed them."

Her smile vanished and she snorted. "You bloody prick. You made us eat meat."

Rafe grumbled. "That wasn't very fair, John. You know I'm a vegan."

"Yeah I do, and you know that I'm not. I was very disappointed today. You both conspired to trick me. So my trick was no worse than what you intended to do to me." I hissed angrily.

"It's completely different," Lee snapped. "We have adopted principles regarding what we eat. You don't bloody care either way."

Standing and leaning across the table I barked, "It's exactly the bloody same. You planned to trick me."

Rafe thankfully intervened. "He's right, Lee. We should have been honest."

Lee smouldered silently as we went back to our political arguments. Lee slowly thawed out as the discussion flowed. She surprised me when she said. "I think this year I will vote Green, as well."

That surprised me, as she had been a fairly staunch Labour voter throughout the time I knew her. It was always a hot topic in our house, as I voted National. I wasn't rabid about it, but felt they stood for the principles I endorsed.

"You're voting Green? Jesus, Lee, think about that. If you do, you're throwing away your vote. They'll be lucky to get one MP."