Not Another Friends Porno

"Not Another Friends Porno"

by J.D. Savanyu

Central Perk was perking up on a saturday night. The trendy midtown coffee house buzzed with the droll chatter of overcaffeinated New York yuppies. Ross, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe sipped overpriced java on orange furniture, shooting the breeze with standard sitcommie dialogue.

"So Joey, how did your date go with that hot redhead from Days of Our Lives?" Rachel asked. "The one who plays the psychotic wife of the CEO of Titan Industries."

"It was amazing, Rach. Caroline is psycho on the soap opera, and even more psycho in the sack."

"Oh my god," Ross groaned. "I hate it when you brag about your overactive sex life, and make everyone else feel inadequate."

"I love it when you make me feel inadequate," Rachel replied.

"I want details, Mister Tribbiani!" Phoebe beamed.

"Of course you want details, Phoebe," Joey sneered. "You're the freakiest nut in our little sack."

"No doubt. I've gone out with lots of weird guys. I even banged Conan O'Brien."

"Seriously? You dated that guy?" Joey snickered.

"A few years before he got famous, when he was a writer for Saturday Night Live."

"I guess his 'Cone Bone' wasn't big enough for you," Chandler quipped.

"His dick was huge, but the rest of that redhead got annoying after a while."

Joey took another sip of coffee and patted Phoebe's shoulders. "I'm sorry it didn't work out with Conan the Leprechaun. You could have been a millionaire right now."

"That's a lot of funny money you passed up," Monica mused.

Joey gave Phoebe a flirtatious look. "You know, I also find myself very attracted to you... in a strange creepy way."

"Oh yeah?" Phoebe replied with a playful grin. "Wanna make something out of it?"

The other friends laughed in unison.

"No way," Chandler snickered. "I cannot picture you and Joey... doing stuff."

"I can," Rachel retorted. "You're both fun-loving freaks who are flaky as a blizzard, and prone to bad decisions, but somehow you never fall off the proverbial cliff."

"Damn right," Phoebe replied proudly. "Whad'ya say, Joey? Why don't you ditch that soap chick, and try the Phoebster?"

Joey's face wrinkled with conflicting emotions, wanting to get a taste of that wild hipster chick, but not wanting to mess up the dynamic of their entertaining group.

"Fine, whatever," he finally replied. "Hop aboard the Tribbiani train, Miss Buffay. Where it stop, don't nobody know."

"Meet me at my apartment at eight o'clock tomorrow night, and you'll be pleasantly surprised," Phoebe murmured, tossing her blonde hair and batting the dark lashes around her green eyes.

"She's lying, Joey," Ross warned. "That blonde boyish sprite has surprised us many times, but none of those surprises have been 'pleasant.'"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Two hours later, Joey knocked on the door of apartment sixteen, holding twelve red roses. He figured that most men only get one chance to tap her hot yoga butt, so he better try really damn hard. Phoebe opened the door with a big smile, wearing a pink bathrobe over her slender body.

"Aw, Joey, you got all those for me?"

"Apparently," he blurted out while staring at her terrycloth-covered tits.

"You're too kind, darling. Roses are my favorite flowers, because they reflect my personality. I'm real sweet and show-offy, but watch out for those thorns!"

"Thanks for the warning, Phoebs."

She put the roses down on her kitchen counter as Joey looked around her small Buddhist-themed apartment, redolent with the aroma of burning incense. Her recycling bin was full of cardboard boxes for vegan frozen meals.

"I'm really looking forward to our date," Joey said. "Hurry up and get dressed, and we'll go out for dinner."

"Oh, I wasn't planning on going out for dinner," she snickered. "I was planning on staying right here, and having dessert first... if you catch my drift."

"You mean... a little bangin' before the bacon?"

"Bingo, baby," Phoebe uttered seductively.

"Woo-hoo, you're just my type. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy."

"We'll have some wild crazy sex, and then I'll whip up some spicy tofu Tikka Masala."

Joey wrinkled his face in disgust. "Sounds dee-lish," he lied through his teeth.

Phoebe untied her pink bathrobe and let it fall to the floor, revealing a very skimpy black leather costume. Several narrow straps criss-crossed around her torso and thighs with metal loops and rivets, leaving her b-cup tits and blonde hairy pussy open for business. Joey's jaw dropped wide open, Tex Avery-style.

"Holy shit!"

Phoebe giggled coyly while teasing her golden bangs. "I knew you'd react that way. It's hypocritical for a vegan, but leather really turns me on."

"Girl, that thing turns me up to eleven."

"I've been dreaming about this for so long. Now shut up and strip!" she ordered sternly with that sweet voice.

"Yes ma'am," Joey chortled while unbuttoning his shirt.

"You're my boy-toy now, so you better do as I fucking say," she grunted.

"Oh my god," he muttered while unfastening his leather belt. "This is like a rejected screenplay for Days of Our Lives."

"I'm better than all those carping bitches on your stupid soap opera."

Joey took off his white Price Club tube socks to complete the nudity, and Phoebe picked up his genuine leather belt, taking a big sniff of his cologne on the cowhide.

"Damn, boy, you smell goood."

"Thanks to Calvin Klein, and his neurotic Obsession."

She stretched the belt between her hands, put it against the back of his neck, and used it to pull his naked body against her pretty much naked body. She kissed him real hard, surprising him at first. But then he went with the flow, tongue-wrestling that bitch like The Undertaker. She pulled back abruptly, and he gasped loudly.

"How was that, Joey? Am I a good kisser?"

"Hell yeah."

"Do you want to kiss my tits?"

"Hell yeah."

"Do you want to suck my clit?"

"Hell yeah."

"Do you want to shove your cock up my tight little pussy?"

"Hell yeah. I want to suck you and fuck you so fucking good."

"Ah-ah, not yet. First you have to prove how much you want me." She took a step back, teased her bangs with a naughty grin, and pointed toward the hardwood floor. "Get down on your knees, and beg like a dog."

Joey gave her a dirty look. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Fuck yeah, Mister Tribbiani. Do you want me enough to be my dog?"

"Uh... I guess so."

"Then fucking do it!"

Joey rolled his eyes indignantly, but of course he followed her order. Kneeling down, waving his "paws" up in the air, and whining like a cocker spaniel.

"Aw, look at that pretty little doggy," she cooed sweetly. "He must be hungry for a treat. Are you hungry, boy? Are ya?"

"Hoo-uuuh! Hoo-hoo-uuuh!" he whined in the affirmative.

"You need a little exercise first, so you'll sleep better tonight." She went back to the drawer, pulled out a sky-blue rabbit-shaped dog toy, and tossed it to the other side of her living room.

"Go fetch, boy!"

He gave her another dirty look. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Go fetch, doggie! Get the bunny wabbit!"

He reluctantly obeyed, crawling naked across the room with his flaccid penis swinging back and forth. He bit down on the blue hemp bunny, shuffled back to his beautiful master, dropped it at her feet, and panting like a Labrador Retriever on a hot summer day. Getting more into her wacky role-playing spirit; treating like another role in his fledgling acting career. Phoebe always provided comic relief during her Friend's awkward melodramatic moments, and now Joey was the one who needed relief.

"Good boy! Now fetch again!"

She tossed it farther, landing on a pile of yoga mats. He took it back to her on all fours, and then she threw it all the way into a bathroom, landing right below the toilet. He whined indignantly.

"Go get it, doggie! You drink from that toilet all the time, so get off your high horse."

Joey whined louder. But he wanted to fuck her so bad, so he crawled into the bathroom, picked up that bunny with his teeth, and took it back to her, dropping it on her pink-painted toenails.

"Good boy! I'm so proud of my obedient K-9! You deserve a nice belly rub."

"Hoo-uuuh!"

He rolled over on his back on the hardwood floor and whined eagerly with his arms and legs curled upward like a goofy canine. Phoebe got down on her knees and rubbed his abs while giggling playfully.

"Oooh yeah, doggie-woggie can't get enough rubbies on his tum-tum. He's such a goofy poochie! Who's my favorite goofy poochie?"

"Hoo-wooo!"

"Damn right. I know you've been dreaming about this for just as long, Mister Tribbiani. I'm so glad you finally got the balls to do it."

"Speaking of balls, why don't you... you know..." Joey snickered, gesturing toward his rising dick.

"Fuck yeah. You're the belly ain't the only thing that needs rubbing."

She grabbed his nutsack with one hand and his cock with the other, stroking it slowly with a tight grip, making him howl to the moon over Manhattan.

"That's right, howl for momma, baby. I give great handjobs, and you're my favorite customer."

"Holy shit. You're fucking fantastic, Phoebe."

She kept jerking his dick with teasing tedium, making him squirm impatiently on the floor.

"Suck my doggie-cock, bitch!" he growled. "I know you give great blowjobs too, ya fuckin' yuppie!"

"Goodness, gracious. Joey has quite a salty tongue today. Good thing I'm also in a 'salty' mood."

Phoebe dove right down and shoved his dick deep in her mouth. He growled triumphantly as she bobbed her golden head quickly up and down.

"Fuck yeah, Phoebester. Suck that big dick hard and fast. Take out your daddy issues on me, you fucking skank!"

She growled fiercely and bobbed her head faster, twisting her neck from side to side and slurping loudly. He squirmed ecstatically while stroking her shiny hair. She finally pulled back with a stern expression on her cute face.

"On your knees, soldier!" she barked out. He quickly obeyed her order, kneeling with his dick pointing right at her tits. She turned around and bent over backwards in the Urdhva Dhanurasana pose, with both hands on the floor. She sucked his cock in that difficult pose with her head upside-down. Her well-toned leather-lined abs quivered and rippled with the rocking motion of her neck.

"God damn, I love girls who do that acrobatic shit for me. Those free yoga lessons in Central Park are really paying off," he remarked while fiddling with her blonde locks. She performed inverted fellatio for thirty more seconds, with drool oozing between her lips and dripping down to the floor. She switched to the Kumbhakansa pose, getting down on all fours, turning her body into a right triangle, and inhaling his manly member like a hookah pipe.

"Fuck yeah, you dirty fucking biiitch," he growled toward a dharma wheel poster that was tacked on her ceiling. "You've been studying the Kama Sutra, and I've been training under a wise old guru named Larry Flynt."

He grabbed her head with both hands and fucked her face at full speed. She growled on his cock in that diagonal yogic position. He pulled out at the first warning sign of orgasm, wanting to make this last. He got down on his knees and pointed up at the dharma wheel.

"Stand up, bitch. I wanna stick my tongue in Phoebe's poo-tang."

"Yes sir, Mister Tribbiani," she giggled. She rose to her feet, and Joey immediately grabbed the leather straps around her thighs and buried his face in her blonde berry patch. Slurping her wet pussy like hell. She moaned harshly while mashing his face into her cunt with smaller hands.

"Oh my god, yes! You're so fucking good, Joey! Keep eating my pussy like mango chutney!"

He sucked her clitoris up into his mouth and clamped his teeth down on the base, driving her crazier.

"Fuck yeah, bite my clit just like that! Move your head side to side! Oh shit, you're a cunnilingus champion, baby!"

He kept nibbling her pink nugget with gleeful abandon. He should have done this a long time ago with this hot girl right down the hall, instead of wasting time with actresses who weren't worth a damn. He put those shallow fickle bitches out of his mind by sucking Phoebe's pointy nipples.

"Suck those hot little titties, boy. I know you like my 34B's better than Rachel's 34C's."

"Fuck that self-absorbed condescending twat!" Joey grunted. He slobbered her breasts louder while squeezing her well-toned ass cheeks. She grabbed his flabbier ass cheeks, and spanked each one ten times, making him moan against her nipples.

"I love spanking guys who are hung like a horse," she giggled. She spanked his heiny a few more times, then she assumed the adho mukha svanasana pose, turning her body into an equilateral triangle.

"Come on, tiger. I'm your downward doggie now, so slam your cock up my pussy."

"That's too many animal references in one sentence, you crazy cunt."

He grabbed the leather straps on her lower back and rammed his man-rod up her honey-hole, sending a literal shockwave throughout her angled body. He kept pounding that big prick into that tight dripping twat while spanking that tight yoga butt over and over and over.

"Oh shit, that's how I fucking like it, boy! Keep fucking me hard, like that psycho trophy wife on Days of Our Lives."

"Like sands through the hourglass, bitch!"

Joey's breath got louder and louder as Phoebe's ass got redder and redder. He pulled out again to avoid premature ejaculation. Peering through her open bedroom door, he noticed a big black sex swing near a twin-size mattress.

"Let's have some more fun, blondie. Get your ass on that sex swing."

"Oh goodie! I love my grown-up playground," Phoebe beamed girlishly. She broke that stiff yogic pose, pranced into the bedroom, and mounted the leather-wrapped contraption.

"Oh would you like to swing on a star?" Phoebe sang sweetly while swinging gently back and forth. "Carry moonbeams home in a jar / and be better off than you are / ooo-ooo / or would you rather be a mule?"

"No. I'd rather be your daddy, and fuck your brains out on that thing."

"Go for it, daddy. But you better cum on my face."

"Your wish is my command, bitch."

She spread her legs and wrapped them around the leathery chains of the sex swing, giving a nice view of her vagina and asshole. He pounded Phoebe's pussy just as hard in that suspended position, knocking her slender body rhythmically back and forth on the swing with every thrust. An equal and opposite reaction, like a sexual pendulum. She grabbed the chains and kept begging him to fuck her harder and faster. He tried his very best.

"Come on, daddy! Harder! Fuck me like that goddamn whore you ran off with!"

He wondered if her neighbors would call the cops for a noise complaint, but then he figured they were probably used to her wild sexcapades, and they tuned it out like passing L-trains.

"All right, girly-girl, that's enough swinging. Get down on your knees, and get your dessert!"

"Whatever makes daddy happy," she beamed. She knelt down on the hardwood floor, and Joey assumed his favorite position for a messy facial finish.

"Do you really want my cum, Phoebe?"

"Fuck yeah! Spray that hot shit all over my pretty face."

"Beg me for it."

She gave Joey a dirty look.

"You heard me, bitch. Beg like a dog!"

She rolled her eyes at him, then she giggled and begged like a poodle, waving her "paws" in the air while he jerked off. The humiliating role-playing was so hot, pushing him right over the edge.

"Fuck yeah, dog-bitch, here I cuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUMMMM!"

He blasted her pale boyish face and chest with wave after wave of splooge, growling and writhing in torturous ecstasy. By the time it was over, Phoebe looked like a giant glazed cruller with dark chocolate stripes. That white jizz made a nice contrast on the genuine leather straps. She shoved his cock in her mouth and sucked out every last drop of jizum while humming pleasantly.

"How's that milkbone, doggie?"

"Delicious, Mister Tribbiani. I love sinking my teeth in rock-hard man-jerky."

She clamped her teeth down on the tip of his dick, making him moan in painful pleasure. She finally let go ten seconds later, then she gently massaged his empty balls.

"Aren't you glad you dumped Stella Kiriakis, and hopped on yours truly?" she asked sweetly.

"Fuck yeah. That crazy trophy wife can't hold a candle to Phoebe Buffay."

"I wanna be your trophy wife, Joey."

"Whoa, whoa, slow down, cowgirl. Let's wait a few months before we even think about the M word."

"Okay, okay," Phoebe giggled. She got up, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed him tenderly. "In the meantime, you better not cheat on me with Rachel, or Monica, or anyone else."

"Sure thing, blondie. You're my one and only."

"Right back at ya, babe." She kissed him again, and grinned slyly. "You know, I always thought our little group of friends would be great on a sitcom. I think I'll start writing a pilot script tonight. I'll give it the working title of Friends."

"You gotta be kidding, Phoebs. Friends would be a terrible sitcom! If it ever gets popular, then just shoot me."