All Comments on 'Not Such a Little Girl'

FYI (as in, no this didn't affect the rating. it's just meant as advice.)

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Usually, using something such as

Father:

to change the POV is good -- when you're writing in 1st Person.

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You're not. This is 3rd Person. (Technically, it's 3rd Person Omniscient, which means the narrator knows EVERYTHING, including what each character is thinking and feeling.) The narrator's pronouns use takes care of the transitions.

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Does your format hurt the story. Normally, no. The problem is you used it too much, as in very often every other paragraph. You're format is a hard, abrupt transition and a pronoun change (again, as long as this is 3rd person) is a softer, smoother transition.

POV changes every single paragraph? Learn how to write 3rd person, ffs.

the constant swapping and listing the pov was distracting, so much it was nearly impossible to read.

Honestly, I think you misunderstand POV with narrative where the style is meant to be intentionally loose.

"I think you misunderstand POV with narrative where the style is meant to be intentionally loose."

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Was this supposed to make sense? If so, you failed. It's just gibberish to mask that you have no idea what you are talking about.

Go back to grammar school and this time pay attention to your English teacher.

Regardless of what those picky comments were, I love this story. I found it arousing to quickly read each other's points of view.