Not What I Expected - Extended

"I don't know if Dawn has blanked that out to avoid the pain of it or didn't want to tell me in case I did anything stupid.

"I think she needs to know but how can we do that without causing yet more pain? I don't think she can heal until she knows."

They all looked stunned.

Dad asked quietly, "Have you looked at the videos?"

I shook my head. "I thought about what Dawn would think if I did. I think it would have hurt her had I done so. I also thought, I could easily just lose it completely and kill the bastard. I was lost in the red mist as it was."

Nancy said, "I'll call Helen now. We have been friends for years and ask her advice. We need to support Dawn though this. Dawn doesn't know, that I'm sure."

Nancy called Helen. She asked if she was clear to speak as she had learned something about Dawn's affair which may help her. Helen was clear. Nancy asked if she could put her on the speaker as Ted and my parents were there. I understood her not mentioning me.

Nancy told her what they had learned regarding the use of drugs followed by coercion involving videos.

Helen was shocked. "Nancy, that explains a lot. I would need Dawn's permission to tell you more about our discussions."

Nancy said, her anguish clear in her voice, "How do we tell her? Tell her the videos are safe and cannot be used against her. No one here has seen them. How do we support her?"

I thought Helen had wrung off (I wouldn't blame her). "Nancy, it may be best to do it at your home. You can all be present to support her and I can help in whatever way is needed. If Dawn needs to speak with me alone afterwards, we can go to her room. If she is happy to allow me to explain our impasse to you your support would be invaluable.

"I'm not aware of her talking to you about her feelings but not knowing why is a major problem. She still loves Iain and cannot understand why she hurt him. I told you to watch her as she is hovering just above suicide level. Knowing will help her. This will hurt but hopefully this will help her recover to be more like herself."

I felt tears behind my eyes.

I was shocked when my mum spoke, "Would it help if we persuaded Iain to be there?"

Helen replied, "It may. It would depend on both of their reactions. If he didn't believe it, it could make things worse. If he understood, she may gain some balance, knowing why she did what she did and that he knew it wasn't all her fault. It would be a high reward, high risk event."

I didn't know what to think. I tuned out of what was being said. The night Dawn and I had spoken, still felt raw. I had thought I was healing but I was fooling myself. I still loved her like I have never loved another person. I could have finished that bottle of malt. I had a few more large drams when I went home. That discovery had been the catalyst to confront Mick and Niven.

I was aware of everyone looking at me and realised the call had ended.

Mum spoke, "I know I shocked you but I think you being there will help Dawn. We've tried everything we could think off to help her. Nothing has lifted the gloom which engulfs her. Your dad and I are so worried about her. Ted and Nancy are just as worried. We meet up and try to find something to give her hope for a future.

"If she knows you know she was not a willing participant, I'm sure it will lift a massive weight off her. I know it won't change how you feel about her. You still love her and have built a wall around your heart to hold the pain away. Maybe it will help you as well. Maybe you should speak with Helen."

I nodded, just a bit surprised she knew I still loved Dawn, "I'll be there. Who'll tell her?"

Ted said, "It would be better coming from you. There would be no mistake that you understand this was the cause. She'll still feel guilty but knowing you know she resisted so much he had to drug her will help her."

I asked quietly, "Ted, why did you not tell me when you found out?"

Ted looked at Nancy.

Nancy spoke, "It was Debbie who called us and said this man was pestering Dawn. Dawn wasn't herself, something was wrong. Dawn visited us when you were away and I spoke with her. She admitted the affair but hoped it would end soon. She wouldn't tell me anymore. She said not to tell you as you would leave her. Her eyes were so haunted. Looking back, her words should have told me this wasn't an affair of the heart. I wish I realised she was being forced. I would have acted differently, supported her better. I berated her for betraying you. We told her you were the son we never had, how great you were. It was important for us to know why but she couldn't tell us.

"Ted was all for damaging this man but Dawn said to leave him alone, it would only make things worse for you. We repeatedly tried to get her to say what was going on, to tell you herself.

"Ted saw you were away far too often and suspected it must be someone from your work. When you said he was your boss's friend, it made sense.

"We talked and talked about telling you but couldn't see any way to do so without hurting either of you. In addition, if it was your boss, you'd lose your job. We were at the stage of speaking to your parents when you discovered them.

"Dawn has been so distraught at the hurt she caused you. She was relieved it was all over but "your pain" was all she could talk about for days. She was and is still broken hearted. The only time worse was when she came home that evening. After speaking with you, she must have known everything was over. Any faint hope she may have harboured that you could reconcile was gone.

"Thank you for agreeing to speak with her. It will help, I'm sure."

At 11am the next morning, I'm sure I felt as a condemned man entering the gallows chambers must feel, as I approached her parents' house. My dad's car was there. He believed in punctuality. I'm sure his watch is always five minutes fast.

I knocked on the door and Ted let me in. I could tell he was as nervous as me.

I was introduced to Helen who seemed pleased I was there. Dawn was very surprised at seeing everyone. It seemed her mum hadn't told her so she never had time to prepare herself. She was in just an old T shirt and jeans. No makeup or lipstick. She'd never have allowed that before, she had to look good for me, she said.

We sat around the big round dining table. I don't know if it was deliberate but I was sat directly opposite Dawn. Her eyes kept coming back to me with the question "why was I there?"

Helen spoke, "Dawn, yesterday your mother spoke with me regarding information that had been discovered regarding your affair. Your dad and former in laws were listening to the call. It does I believe give you some closure as to why the affair happened. All were wishing to support you in any way they could.

"Maureen asked if Iain should be here when you were told and I said yes.

"After they have told you, if you wish we can go to your room and discuss it and how we proceed. As we have been or the other option is to use that support to assist you but that would mean you giving me authority to explain our impasse. This information may make all the difference and their support could be invaluable. The choice is yours."

Dawn looked at me, she was worried, "Why is Iain here?"

Helen replied, "The information could help both of you move on with your lives. You know your sticking point, they don't. He'll say he doesn't need to know but not knowing why is hurting him as well. Maureen's voice when she asked told me that."

I looked at Helen. Another mind reader.

Dawn nodded, "Well let's get this over with. No one is happy so it must be bad."

I looked at Dawn. When did she become a mind reader?

Dad looked at me.

"Helen, Nancy wasn't totally truthful with you yesterday, for good reason I believe. I was present. I'll explain everything.

"Dawn, when you saw me and spoke to me, I heard the pain you were in. The fact that you loved me and still did this hurt you but what was hurting you even more was not knowing why. You said, again and again how much you loved me but the not knowing why you had cheated was clearly eating you up.

"My mum says I have built a wall around myself to avoid the pain. She's right. I thought I had control of my feelings but your words struck down that wall. I was shocked to find how raw my feelings still were. I had ignored them. Parked them somewhere unseen.

"Your words were the catalyst to find out what had actually happened and why.

"I tracked down Mick and we exchanged a few pleasantries. He won't be playing a gigolo any time soon. I thought a reason may have been he wanted me out as he may have seen me as a rival. John wanted me to take Mick's job when Mick became CEO but he didn't have any knowledge of that. It was only Niven who made him have me on the move all the time to allow him to seduce you. After it all blew up, Niven told him he had drugged you the first few times and coerced you using the videos he had taken."

Dawn's face was in total shock. Her eyes couldn't be open any wider. There were tears in her eyes.

"Mick said had he known before, he would have told me.

"Niven and I had a very frank exchange of views. He won't be able to wank for months as I broke his hands. He confirmed what Mick had said. I removed the microSD card from his phone with all your videos. He didn't dare put them on his computer. I haven't watched them. No one has. You deserve your privacy. He cannot blackmail you for sex again.

"You didn't know why. You were drugged and raped. I'll give you the card and you can use it as you wish. Give it to the Police. Smash it. The choice is yours.

"You didn't do this willingly. Don't punish yourself any further. Niven is not worth it."

Dawn's spoke quietly, "If they went to the Police you could have been jailed. Why did you do that for me after all the pain I caused you?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I looked away from her. Mum butted in, "Tell her the truth. You need to hear the truth as well." Her eyes showed me she was sincere but concerned.

I looked at Dawn as the words came out, "I have never stopped loving you. I couldn't cope with what had happened. I never stopped to think, I lashed out with the pain!"

Dawn was shocked. I was shocked. I dissolved into tears. My mum smiled but came to hug me.

Dawn asked Helen to go to her room. They were gone for about ten minutes.

They came back and Helen was smiling.

"Dawn has said I can tell you about her sessions as it relates to today's events.

"Throughout our sessions from the very first one to today there has always been two entrenched, totally immovable positions. The first one clashed vehemently with the second.

"Dawn was and still is totally in love with Iain. He was her world, they shared the same dreams and she looked forward to having their children and bouncing grandchildren on their knees. Their sex life was varied, imaginative and very fulfilling for both. Would you agree Iain?"

I could only nod. I was aware I was blushing. My parents were there!

"Normally, a poor sex life can be part of the trigger for an affair.

"Nothing ever changed Dawn in respect of her love for Iain. No matter how I phrased the question, which direction I came from, the answer was the same. There was never a white lie, any duplicity, it was the whole truth.

"The second part was why? When she had the perfect husband and marriage, why did she have an affair? We looked at it from every angle, time and time again and couldn't find any reason for such behaviour.

"Iain was everything and more than she could possibly wish for in a husband.

"To try and see if we could find any reason at all to give us an idea where to look, we dissected Dawn's personality traits. Amongst those we found she did suffer from low self-esteem which made her believe she was unworthy of Iain. It's not an uncommon thought when the other proves to be so good, as you can feel you don't bring as much to the relationship, hence you do not deserve them. I felt that may have played a part along with whatever Niven said to her. It was a big reach but it was the only basis, if highly unlikely, we could find. If it helped her in anyway, I would be happy. Dawn was never comfortable with that idea. She felt if anything it would make her work harder to prove her worth and knowing her, I would agree.

"From what has been disclosed there has been a massive weight lifted from her shoulders. She is struggling to comprehend everything. The fact that Niven had to resort to using drugs and later blackmail shows she did resist until she was rendered incapable of refusing his advances. She still feels very guilty but now has a reason, a why, so over time as she absorbs this fully, I'm sure this will be very helpful.

"When we talked just now, she couldn't believe she had no recall. As Iain spoke, images came to her. I explained her mind was protecting her. She didn't know about the drugs so had no reference for those events. Her brain had blanked the coercion out, it was too painful. Iain's words opened her mind to those memories. Her emotions are coming out strongly after being kept in check, much like Iain and his meetings with the culprits.

"We'll have to discuss this, find a way to understand them so Dawn can move forward.

"She will need your support, listen, let her express her feelings, don't worry if it doesn't make sense, that will come.

"Thank you, Iain. For caring so much about Dawn, you made the effort to find the truth. For your honesty and courage in telling her. It won't have been easy to speak knowing how this could impact on her.

"You are just as much a victim and I think I could help you as well. It may mean some joint sessions where there is an overlap which the other could help with."

I accepted her offer.

Dawn asked me sadly, "Where does that leave us?"

I replied carefully, "I don't know."

Dawn looked closely at me, "You said the words but do you believe them? Do you still hold me fully responsible for this?"

I took a moment. I could see her thinking the answer would be bad.

"Dawn, I believe it fully. You are not responsible for any of this. It's Niven only."

Dawn looked down as she started crying. Nancy held her. When she was calm Helen took the stage.

She spoke quietly but warmly, "The wounds are raw. Both of you have emotions which are all over the place. This has been the most traumatic time in your lives. You have the most amazing, supportive parents who love you both. You still love each other despite everything.

"What you had before has been broken. You cannot return to that place. Where you end up is for you both to decide. It may be that neither can overcome the past so there can be no friendship or you may be able to be reasonably friendly, enjoy family gatherings, events, even bump into one another when out and about and be able to talk.

"Whether you go further, build a new relationship, if possible, would require a great deal of effort from both of you. A new courtship to find the new you.

"The future is not written. Let yourselves heal, take the small steps and see where the journey takes you."

Nancy invited us all to stay for lunch. I was going to refuse but Dawn asked as well. They had me talk about my new job and how I had changed the way we worked. We spoke about other matters which were happening. It could have been a normal lunch if you didn't notice Dawn was fairly quiet. She spoke occasionally but mostly just listened. She spent a lot of time watching me and my parents.

The following day at work, John came into my office to discuss how various projects were going. When we finished work stuff, he floored me by saying, "You seem more at peace with yourself than you've been since your marriage broke up. If I can ask what's changed tell me, if too personal tell me no. I won't be offended."

John had been very supportive, given me time when I needed it, listened when I had to speak.

I smiled, "I had the best night's sleep last night in forever."

I explained finding out what Niven had done and the meetings with my parents and Dawn yesterday.

John was shocked, "Mick didn't know what Niven had done and you believe him when he said had he, he would have told you."

I nodded, "He was disgusted at it. It wasn't faked."

John thought for a moment, "Iain, if you had come across Dawn, drugged, raped, what would you have done?"

I was stunned. I realised later what an insightful question it was.

John smiled, "I think I know what you would have done. The last year has been very hard. Try and put that to one side. No prior knowledge, you just found her, what would you have done?"

He left me struggling to find an answer. My mind went back and forth, forth and back. One course of action always came to me but I kept throwing it back. I wouldn't have done that!

By late afternoon, I knew that was the only answer. I made my way to Dawn's parents' home. Nancy and Ted were surprised to see me.

I asked, "Is Dawn home yet?"

Nancy replied, "She left five minutes ago. She's on her way to see Helen."

"Can you call Helen? John made me confront a question today and I think the answer could help Dawn and possibly me."

Nancy spoke with Helen. Dawn was still to arrive. Helen asked, "Did I wish to tell her or was it better to tell Dawn direct?"

I thought, "Maybe better direct after what she said yesterday. Maybe Nancy should be present or nearby."

So I found myself driving Nancy and Ted to Dawn's appointment. As I drew up, I saw my mum and dad.

Dad spoke, "Ted texted. You were concerned enough about Dawn, that she may need her mum, he thought you may need yours."

I couldn't argue with that. I was just holding it together.

We all went inside. Helen's secretary informed her and she came out. We talked quietly away from the others.

Helen invited us all to come in. Dawn was astonished to see us.

Helen started, "Dawn, your mum phoned when you were on your way. There's been another development which Iain will tell you."

I looked at Dawn, my eyes were moist, "Dawn, today at work John saw I was at peace within myself for the first time since that day. He's been so supportive I explained what had happened to you. He asked a question and I spent all day wrestling with it. The immediate answer which came to mind I threw away repeatedly; but it is the only true answer.

"John asked, removing all knowledge of the last year, if I had found you drugged, raped what would I have done?"

Dawn's eyes were wide open. She was scared, breathing quickly. The looks of shock on our parents faces showed the impact of that question.

"I didn't like that first answer. I kept throwing it away because of all the other knowledge. John had said he knew what I would do. As I left the office, I went to him saying I had made my decision. He turned a note to me. It was it.

"Dawn, I would have supported you, been with you throughout all that would have happened, the hospital, the Police, the court case. All through that I would have been the husband you needed me to be to make you whole again. I wouldn't have cast you aside.

"It wasn't adultery. It was rape.

Dawn dissolved into tears. Nancy held and comforted her. I was crying as well so mum held me. I think everyone bar Helen was crying.

When the tears dried, our parents left the room and we discussed our feelings with Helen. It was raw, much of what I said when I thought back later that night didn't make much sense. Dawn was finding it incredible, I would have stayed with her, my feelings on adultery. I had to repeat quite a few times; she hadn't committed adultery she had been drugged, raped. She was a victim, we all were of Niven.

It took her a few sessions to accept what I said, "Iain, when I think clearly about the man you were and still are, had you discovered me, I believe you would have been beside me. Had I known I had been drugged and raped, I would have told you as I know how good a person you are. Like you, all the other nasty stuff kept me from seeing that for so long.