Not What I Expected - Extended

"Your statement that night and in our sessions since have helped me so much. It still hurts what I did but it's not so all-encompassing."

Our parents were very supportive. There to give advice if asked but careful not to meddle.

Some nights after our joint sessions with Helen, Dawn and I would go for a meal together. We discussed anything other than the session if we could but sometimes we couldn't. It was baby steps.

It was three months before we shared a kiss. My heart skipped a few beats. The Dawn I knew was slowly coming back. She had changed as had I but her core being, a beautiful, caring person was still there.

It was following a joint session when Helen asked me, "What question was it that I needed an answer to but had never asked?"

I tried to say there was none but Helen wouldn't have it. "Iain, we've spoken privately and in front of Dawn. There is one area you have always avoided, moved away from whenever we came close to it. We have covered so much but it is this area which is still causing the hurt inside you. It's time to ask that question."

Dawn looked at me, "Iain, if Helen is right, ask. I don't want anything hidden from you."

I looked down, I was struggling to find the words. I couldn't look either of them in the eye, "Dawn, when I saw you with Niven, you were yelling at him to fuck you harder. I never understood. You were vocal with us but this was a different intensity. Was the sex so much better?"

I was mortified I had spoken my deepest, darkest thoughts. When I looked up, Helen was her professional self but Dawn looked very concerned. I wasn't going to like this answer.

Dawn took a minute to compose her thoughts. I saw the resolve grow in her. She was going to give me my answer whether I liked it or not.

She spoke softly but her sincerity was clear, "Iain, it's not what you think but to explain it I have to tell you everything about sex with Niven and the way I dealt with it. I have covered this with Helen which is why I can tell you. This knowledge only came about after your bombshell that I had been drugged and raped.

"I struggled when I tried to explain it to her, each word revealing I knew I was being abused and should have told you. Yet, I had no knowledge or so I thought until you brought it out.

"Helen let me explore it fully and we both agreed, at the end, this is what I subconsciously did to protect myself. It will be difficult hearing this but from your eyes, the vision of Niven and me is breaking you up.

"Whenever you were going away, I made a bigger effort to send you off with a smile on your face. We had some beautiful, slow, loving experiences and even some bodice busting fucks. It was my way of showing how much I loved you. Something good to focus on.

"It was also hiding what else was happening. I knew Niven would call. He seldom missed an opportunity. He called, picked me up and we would go and fuck. Wherever it was, I went to the toilet to prepare myself. I would lube myself up as he didn't believe in foreplay. I would get on the bed, in doggy style and let him fuck me. I yelled at him to go harder and faster to get it over more quickly. He could only come once.

"It was like I was two people. One, refused him blowjobs, his penis was never in my mouth. I refused him anal. I told him that was disgusting but offered to shit on him instead. I never allowed him to feel my breasts. He thought with doggy he could but I bucked so much he had to hold my hips to avoid falling out.

"The second was this wild mare fucking for all she was worth to get him off. She put a condom on him. Often, I thought to ask if they had them in smaller sizes as I was scared it would fall off. I knew if I did, he would expose me with those videos. Several times he had one playing in the car, to turn us on he said. I was very close to being sick over him.

"I didn't realise that my brain was in control, compartmentalising all the feelings. I knew what I had to do but didn't retain why afterwards. When you discovered us, it hid all of this from me.

"If you caught us fucking, you had to have been lucky or unlucky depending on your point of view. I could exaggerate and say he lasted three minutes. By the time you phoned Debbie; she says she called me immediately, I had cleaned myself up. I always left disposing of the condom to him.

"You can maybe tell me if the tone in my voice was different from when we made love. I feel when I encouraged you to fuck me harder, it was with love, passion; we were both going to enjoy it, were enjoying it. With him, it was a command, like I wasn't there. I just wanted it over. I tried to think of other more pleasant things.

"I know all this sounds contradictory but it's the truth.

"It must have been soul destroying seeing me like that, like I was enjoying it but I hated every moment. I couldn't see a way out until you rescued me. I'm grateful, even if the cost has been so high."

Dawn had never lost her look of concern. She looked at me very worried about my reaction. I pulled out my phone. I didn't show her the video but we listened to her. I was soon crying, I hadn't listened to it before in this way. Dawn's voice was cold, commanding, there was nothing but hatred in it. I had never realised. Would it have changed anything?

I looked at her, "I'm so sorry, I never heard your pain before. I could only see my nightmare."

Before I knew it, Dawn had moved and was giving me a massive hug. She was crying as well.

Even Helen had tears in her eyes.

It took quite a while before we were composed enough to articulate our thoughts.

"Dawn, I believe your account, your voice confirmed everything you said. Helen knows far more about how our brain looks after us, you had to hide something so painful. I hope I haven't cost you more pain asking that question."

Dawn smiled, "I needed to explain what happened to you. Hearing my voice reinforced what I thought I was doing. In my dark period, I wondered if I was encouraging him because I liked it. We both know the truth now. Both our nightmares have been opened. Hopefully, it will help us heal. Helen thought we were close but that our avoidance of our nightmares was holding us back. As usual, she's right."

After more time spent discussing our reactions, the session closed. As we left, we were both too drained to head for a meal. Dawn hugged me and suggested a takeaway instead. We could eat at her parents as it was on my way home. We did. Her parents saw we needed taken out of ourselves so discussed normal matters concluding with something that we all agreed on. Our football team was getting worse even if we had thought that wasn't possible. Dawn and I had used to go to games.

As I left Dawn kissed me goodnight at my car. It was a respectful kiss but with an underlying passion. My penis responded which was a first in a long time. I was so drained by the evening's events, I was asleep as my head hit the pillow.

After that we seemed to improve at a quicker pace. John kept commenting that the real Iain was back. Dawn's eyes had life back in them. We had our meals and even went on a few dates. Nothing happened sexually but I think we both enjoyed them.

Helen would speak about them as we progressed. She is very shrewd. One evening she asked us if we discussed our sex life at all. I blushed, probably redder than Dawn.

"Did you ever discuss sex before?"

I looked at her, "You know we did. Dawn told you we had a great sex life and she wasn't lying. It only involved ourselves but we had a lot of fun. We spoke about our fantasises and played out some. Some others the ideas were arousing but we decided we probably wouldn't want to do those."

Helen countered, "What's stopping you both discussing your fantasises now?"

I looked at Dawn. She was no help.

Helen was smiling. I was her prey.

I thought before saying very quietly, "I'm afraid to. We have been getting on so well, enjoying each other's company, or at least I have, I didn't want to say something which could spoil it."

"Do you think Dawn would find it objectionable?"

Dawn started to speak but Helen signalled her to stay quiet.

I couldn't see a way of avoiding telling the truth, "I have avoided discussing intimacy. To speak about fantasises would be like saying, I want to bed you. I don't know if Dawn would wish that after all I put her through. I know we have kissed and hugged, both enjoyable but to try and go beyond may disgust her."

"Have you discussed what your relationship wishes are? Where do you see it going?"

"I've avoided that. I see the Dawn I fell in love with. We've been changed by our experience but at heart she is still the lovely, caring person she has always been. If anything, my love for her has grown but I cannot put any pressure on her to take it further. I have settled for being friends rather than risk losing her entirely."

"What would Dawn need to do to prove she wanted to be more than friends? To take your relationship to the next level, risks and all."

"Tell me clearly. I'm open for more but if she's not, I understand."

Helen turned to Dawn, "What do you want?"

Dawn stood up. I thought she was going to walk out. She looked straight at me.

"Iain, we cannot let the past define what we do. We have to consign it to the past. I'll never forget what I did but I won't let it rule me. I'll be aware when I'm out so I don't put myself in a position like that again.

"What do I want? Actions speak louder than words. There is one fantasy you have always had and I never gave you."

She put her hands under her dress and pulled down her knickers before handing them to me.

"You always wanted me to go for a meal with you commando. Well, you have your wish."

I looked at Helen and she was blushing.

The session was ending and we left. We stopped at her parents on the way to the restaurant. Dawn went upstairs and came down with an overnight bag. Both her parents had massive smiles on their faces. I suspect they would phone mine when we left.

It was the best meal I had in ages. I don't recall what I ordered. Dawn had me blushing when she said, "Had I known Helen was going to take us there, I'd have worn a short skirt with stockings and suspenders so I could flash you. I bet you'd be really ready when we got to your house. Would you have stopped at the restaurant? My parents?"

The next day we both called in to say we wouldn't be at work.

It's been three months and tonight we're having a little gathering, our parents, Helen and John. They are both widowed and we think they are made for each other. I'm cooking.

Once everyone was there and had a drink, I formally welcomed them.

"Dawn and I wish to thank all of you for the support, love and guidance you have given to us. It is because of you we found each other again. We have a couple of things to add to our story which you may like.

"I asked Dawn to marry me and she said yes. We'll be married shortly."

Everyone was smiling and speaking over the others. Seems they knew this announcement was coming. I had to ask for quiet for a moment so I could finish.

"We are very happy to announce that some here are about to become grandparents. Before you ask, we haven't asked about its sex, we'll love whoever arrives.

"So, I propose a toast, to little miracles!"

There was a bloody loud cheer and both mums went to Dawn. They were laughing when Dawn blamed the child on Helen. Helen turned it back on her when she said she now knew going commando had dangers.

Helen was tearful, "I saw the love but didn't know if it could be repaired. I hoped so." John hugged her.

Our dads were hugging before they hugged me. John was smiling so much as he hugged me.

It turned into a great evening. Everyone was so very happy.

I, we, had a future after all!