All Comments on 'Old Demons'

Wretched pile

As a fantasy, this story has potential. THe main problem I have with it though is that it can be very hard to follow nea the beginning because you have her jumping back and forth between being a faithful/cheating wife and the same can be said about the male protagonist. Hell, he even assists in her cheating at one point but there is no lead up to it; no explanation of why, al of a sudden he is ok with her cheating, then later he isn't. With him, he is married at the beginning, then he is at some place with roommates and they almost get caught fucking.

Then you have the religion thing which isn't dealt with very well and much too abruptly. This story should be CONSIDERABLY longer to deal with all the plot points you introduce, but you just skip over them to get to the sex scenes. If you are going to write a stroke story, write one, but you only need one or two plot points. You have several here that demand more in-depth exploration so you have thee making of more of a novel, but you try to deal with it in the span of a short story. You have to make a decision and stick with it. Remember, you are creating a world with this much stuff going on, and we, your audience can't see it without more details. We can't see it in your head. You have to describe what is going on.

Try again, but slow down, take your time, and develop it. It could be great, you have elements of both a full BDSM relationship and a "loving wife" story with BTB aspects but with the opening for a reconciliation but with a change to the relationship dynamic. Like I started with, it has potential, now, just live up to that potential.

No glaring problems with your use of the English language or punctuation, but you have serious continuity problems in the first section. You give us Gayle's name in the first sentence then you don't use it again till the bottom of page 3. If you hadn't had to differentiate between Gayle and Jill, I don't think you'd have used it at all. Overall, not bad, but you need work to get it a little more reader-friendly. Thanks for sharing with us.