All Comments on 'Oliver's Twist'

Was really hoping this would be worth reading. Really getting tired of folks needing drugs to have a good time. To me it is all about the seduction (even if at times it is "forced" or some convincing seduction). Others will no doubt enjoy the story. Just not for me.

You can definitely write! Very well conceived and paced for a one-pager. I'm not not all that into the drug or coercion angles, but maybe the blackmail was supposed to be a comeuppance for the frat-party drug antics? Nice twist with Becky setting him up.

That is one hot scene.

5/5

I couldn't very far with your lack of punctuation knowledge in American English. You began by using a parade of ellipses. Do you know what an ellipsis is or what it designates? I don't believe so. It means you have left out a word or words that are not necessary to the story. You seem to use it instead of using a comma which denotes a pause in the reading. And if you are leaving out a word or phrase, why? In writing you are supposed to paint a picture using your vocabulary. My question to you is why would you to leave parts out in order to accomplish this?

This seems very similar to another literotica's author's work.

Wow, loved this story. To the point and very hot. Keep on writing.

Two thumbs way way up. He's such a lucky little sissy bitch. I wish I was that lucky

It's an amateur fuck story on the Internet, not a novel being considered for publishing. Get a sense of what's worth complaining about, then get over it.

Anonymous,

Ellipses have two different uses.

Rule 1.) Many writers use an ellipsis whether the omission occurs at the beginning of a sentence, in the middle of a sentence, or between sentences.

A common way to delete the beginning of a sentence is to follow the opening quotation mark with an ellipsis, plus a bracketed capital letter.

Rule 2.) Ellipses can express hesitation, changes of mood, suspense, or thoughts trailing off. Writers also use ellipses to indicate a pause or wavering in an otherwise straightforward sentence.

When expressing internal dialogue of the protag, a lot of times a character's thoughts will trail off or ramble on. That's where I like to use ellipses. But...

I'm also prone to making mistakes.

Seems you enjoy rewriting SugarandSalt's stories from different angles pretty often.

However, wish more time was spent on the narrator's emotional state and his senses as the two woman had their way. The prose is very mechanical, describing every push and pull of flesh, which is exciting. Though it seems to come off as from memory rather than what is happening in the moment without peppering of some extra details.

What does the narrator feel when he gets spanked? It's in the first person, let him tell us.

Wouldn't mind being in his position. Natasha and Becky can own my ass any time they want. Hope to see more.

I enjoyed the story and hope you make more and maybe add a nother chapter to this story

I just came in my panties

You really need to start giving credit if you are going to keep "borrowing" SugarandSalt's setups. You're making them your own, no question about that, but a little nod to the source of inspiration wouldn't be a bad thing.

As for the story itself, I'm pretty much in agreement with Ian. I would have enjoyed it more without the threats; and especially without his crying at the end. I did like that Becky was trans as well and not just setting him up to pimp him out or some such. He gets his dream girl; what more can a guy ask for?

Thanks for the story. You pulled me in from the beginning all the way to the end. I was so entranced by your writing that I jizzed in my teddy. Wow great job of making me feel like I was the one being taken by these two goddesses with big cocks

Excellent work. I felt like he gave in a little easily to first taking a suck... That bit seemed a little unrealistic. Otherwise fantastic.

I hope he is forced to choose and goes with Natasha

"I couldn't very far with"

I wish I could find two to use me and make me there toy

Is the forced blowjob. All he needs to do is bite the end of her dick off when she forces her dick into his mouth and that ends everything. It always makes me laugh when I read about forcing someone to suck another's dick. Teeth are sharp. The human jaw creates a ton of pressure. And a bleeding dick needs a hospital or the owner bleeds to death. Done and done.

Enough already with these ridiculous Barnum and Bailey sized “12 inch long dicks the width of a soda can.” I don’t even find anything like that sexy. Put some realism into your story.