On My Honor Ch. 03

The things Reuben wanted to do to me played perfectly into the way I'd been brought up. It was wrong to question a man. Your own wishes were immaterial. You were irrelevant. Still, I couldn't help feeling on some level that what he was doing was wrong. I couldn't articulate why, but his ownership of me violated me. My father, who owned my body, had given Reuben permission to rape me. And yet some part of me resisted, as if I had any rights, and wasn't just a stupid girl, as I'd always been raised to believe on the commune.

My struggles with processing this consumed my headspace for the next two months. In the nights, Reuben came to me and used my body. But in the day, as I listened to the word, washed clothes, kneaded bread, I felt him inside me too. The thought of his ownership of me pressed in on my head, making me feel hot and small. Worthless. It tightened me and loosened me at the same time. Was this what God wanted for me? I thought of the way Abraham treated Hagar, and the punishment in the old testament for raping an unmarried woman - having to marry her. Those passages had always done something to me, so that I couldn't help wanting to touch myself as I read them. But for the same reasons, they also made me angry and ashamed. It had always been a bad thing to be a woman, ever since Eve ate that apple and made Adam eat it too.

Much like God, Reuben was everywhere. When he was physically with me, my mind at least could escape, but when he wasn't, his presence loomed over me like an ever growing cloud, capable of attacking at any given moment.

My father made this even easier for him. One otherwise ordinary suppertime, he asked me whether I was being obedient.

My father's question was vague, but I knew what he meant, and I could see on my mother's face to my shame that she understood too.

'Yes, sir.' I said quietly, putting some more food in my mouth in order to occupy it.

'Good girl.' He cleared his throat. 'I've talked to Reuben and we've agreed that you should make yourself available every evening, in case he decides to visit.'

I didn't know what he meant. I was already always available for Reuben.

My father smiled at my mother before looking back at me. 'You know, I think he has honorable intentions, Titia. He's a good man. So I'd like you to make sure you're in your room by eight every evening, so it's easier for him to see you whenever he wants to make a call. You want to make sure he still likes you, don't you?'

I faltered. There were other young men who liked me, and Reuben was in his early forties - at least twenty years my senior. What did Reuben have that made him such an irresistible candidate for my hand? I looked at my mother.

'Obey your father.' She said, with a placid nod. I don't know how she managed to say the words so easily.

I couldn't look at him, but I could feel a kind of heat coming from across the table.

'Yes, sir.' I said, before changing the subject.

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From then on, I went to my room early every evening as I'd been ordered. I tried at first to be productive in the anticipation of Reuben's arrival, but soon realised it was useless. The images of him, the fear of him arriving and taking me whenever he chose, were too distracting. I was an object. A kind of slave.

The truth of being completely owned was almost intoxicating. It made the air thicker. It became a habit, as I lay on my bed waiting for him, to edge my hands down towards my private parts and start rubbing furiously. I listened out for his footsteps, not allowing myself to breathe freely or make a sound, ready to leap my hand back and look like a good girl for him. He couldn't know. And yet I couldn't help humping and rubbing myself as I lay there anxiously, reflecting on my status as his whore.

My mind took me, as it always had, to strange, dark places. Reuben in concrete form didn't exist in these worlds, but men like him took a similar shape. As I humped my hands, waiting, these men would beat me, punish me, take me. They knew who I was.

I was far away in such a world one evening when Reuben crept in. At the sound of the door, my heart jumped into my face and froze.

It was something I'd always feared would happen, but which I'd always told myself I'd escape. I shot out of bed and brushed my skirts down, trying to assume a more modest pose, but it was too late.

'What have you been doing?'

His voice was disturbingly warm.

'I - nothing.'

'Nothing master.' He corrected. 'You've been playing with yourself again, haven't you?'

He fixed his eyes on me.

He knew. I nodded, unable to meet his gaze.

He seemed amused but made an effort to be solemn, moving closer and putting his hands on my upper arms. His voice was dripping and unbearable. 'Did it make you feel good?'

I shook my head violently, a tear dripping to the carpet.

'Don't lie to me, Laetitia. A girl like you...' He shook his head, smiling. 'Even your own father likes you.'

His words stopped me dead. A deep part of me had known this was true, but it had never been spoken of before. I understood his implication, too. I invited the attention because that was just how much of a whore I was.

He raised my chin with his hand. 'You've got to do what I say, okay? You're not allowed to touch yourself unless I'm inside you. And only then if you have my permission. I've told you this.'

'Yes, master.'

'And I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell your father about this. I can't have you touching your body like this, like a selfish... slut. It's a violation of me, and of your father too.'

His words stung and I felt genuinely sorry.

'What do you need to say to me?' He asked, as if I were a child. It was as though he'd been inside my head, watching my fantasies rather than my hands and body.

'Sorry, master.'

'That's right.' He brought his own hand over to my private parts, rubbing his palm over me in circles. 'That's right.' He repeated, his voice moving into a whisper.

He pushed me towards the bed and made me lie in front of him. I felt his cock already strong behind me, as he unzipped himself and struggled to pull down his trousers and underwear. He had forbidden me to wear anything beneath my skirts, so he had no such trouble with me. His finger fell again onto my front opening, tracing my hymen, the one thing he couldn't yet take. I felt a tight pressure, but not quite enough to rip me apart and stretch the tissue. He moaned as he circled it, the one thing I had that seemed to be of some value.

He had already brought out the lube which he carried with him all the time now, and moved it over his full cock, rubbing the cold gel around my back hole quickly too.

I could already almost feel him inside me, filling me up. I moved my backside slightly towards him. And then, unable to stop myself, I rubbed it very slowly up against him. I hated the pain that often came when he lunged himself inside me, but this moment, this anticipation... I felt him close against me and the air was thick and heavy again.

'Good girl, Laetitia.' He said, hoarsely, pushing against me. He took my hand and brought it to his penis, waiting for me to guide it in to my behind. Shaking slightly, I obeyed him.

He moaned, fully inside me within a few painful seconds.

'Good girl. You're a very... good... little girl.'

His tone was so affectionate. And yet this man almost twice my age knew that I had no choice in the matter of this encounter.

He kept me on my side so he had easy access to my slit, and rubbed his finger gently again and again around my opening, clearly focusing on it as he plunged himself into my other hole. I wondered whether this was because he thought that hole was so much better than the one he was forced to use, or whether it was because it reminded him that I was still a virgin, making this act even more forbidden.

Naturally he ignored the rest of that area. Why would he be interested in touching it much, anyway? It would have given me pleasure, but that wasn't his priority.

'Do you like this?' It wasn't really a question. 'You like having your master inside you, don't you?'

I didn't consult my feelings before answering. 'Yes, master.'

'Good girl. Just lie there. Just lie there and let me use you.'

These words were like a poison. I stayed very still, except to move my backside slightly further towards him.

He smiled at me and for the first time, he took my hand and guided my right thumb towards my mouth. He pushed on it until it went the whole way in, and looked insistently at me to suck it. Finally, I did.

The intimacy of sucking my thumb while he did this to me was unbearable.

'Good girl. Just lie there and let me rape you.'

His breath became ragged and his plunges stronger. His beard tickled my shoulder.

I moved my thumb out of my mouth for a moment.

'Can I... can I touch myself... master?'

'Yes.'

I had already lost all my dignity. My gratitude was absolute.

'Thank you.'

'Don't forget who I am, Laetitia.'

'Thank you, master.'

'Good girl. That's right.'

I quickly put my left thumb in my mouth and moved my right hand down in one motion. Closing my eyes, this was a kind of ecstasy. I could forget what it meant for me to be owned, the messy shame that I usually felt burning into me. I could focus on the pure feeling of my master's cock inside me, using me.

My master? My hand leaped up for a moment. I had never called him that inside my own head.

What was I doing to myself? Reuben moaned, oblivious to my feelings. His cock tormented me, pinning me to a place between heaven and hell. It was full and rich inside me, and I could tell that he was close now from the way he held his body.

I moved my hand back down and humped it vigorously, wildly, urgently. Perhaps there was a demon inside me. My tangled hair lashed softly against my back and I hoped it wasn't hitting his face, but I couldn't control myself.

He didn't seem to care. My behind was jolting violently against him now just as hard as he rammed into it. I disgusted myself. How could there be any part of me that didn't hate this? Just a few months ago, I wouldn't have thought what he was doing to me was even possible. It didn't even really feel good, and yet I closed myself and tightened myself over him, opening and taking him in, just for him, just to please him, my rapist. My master.

'Shhhhh.' He brought himself to whisper.

I sucked harder on my thumb and pressed myself hard against the palm of my hand, rocking on it obsessively.

With staggered, hard breaths, he jammed into me so that his balls were hard against me. There was a pause and I was terrified that I'd displeased him in some way, but then I felt it - his ejaculate, dripping deep into me.

He made a humming sound so gentle that my knees felt weak. Sighing, he came out of me, careful to not let his seed spill, and then he firmly took my right hand away, pressing it to the other hand by my face. I had been so close, but I wasn't allowed to touch myself anymore.

Instinctively, I smiled at him quietly. 'Thank you, master.'

He beamed, looking happier than I'd ever seen him, and squeezed me tight. Without a word, he zipped himself back up and left the room. His steps echoed down the hall. How had I not heard them earlier? On my tiptoes, I followed him at a safe distance to my father's bedroom.

'I'm afraid she keeps touching herself.' I heard him say. 'She's a young girl and she doesn't know any better. But it's not becoming. I thought you might like to know so you can punish her yourself, sir.'

'Thank you, Reuben. You did the right thing to tell me.'

'You're welcome. And another thing, sir. If I may...'

There was a long silence. 'Please, go on.' My father entreated.

'I'd like to ask you for your daughter's hand in marriage, sir. And on the question of Laetitia's wedding night...' I saw him draw close to my father, resting his hand for a second on his upper back.

'I've been much in prayer over this. And I think I know what God wants me to do, sir.' He looked my father deep in the eyes.

'Yes?' My father feigned disinterest.

Reuben took a deep breath. 'When it comes to taking Laetitia's honor...' He looked away, smiling to himself for a moment, and then fixed his eyes solemnly on my father. His voice was quiet, but firm. 'I... I think it should be you.'