Once Upon a Time in Emmitsburg

She pressed me, "So what about Wren?"

I answered, "He's big. He's done and does all things I can't. I'm a little jealous I guess."

She replied, "He does frighten you doesn't he."

I took a sip of wine, "I suppose so, but I've been the smaller weaker one most of my life."

"You always find a way to underestimate yourself," she said.

"It's true," I answered, "but with Wren only more so."

She asked, "You think I should marry him?"

I said, "No, I think you should marry me." There! I'd said it.

She shook her head; she stared at me for what I thought was an overlong time. She said, "That probably can never happen." She looked off toward the far wall, "Oh I love you. I guess I love you more than any man, except maybe daddy. It's just you're not...suitable. You don't have the grit."

I knew I wasn't suitable, but what did she mean about grit, and she'd said probably never; what did that mean?

She went on, "Darla won't marry you either. She found what daddy wants. What about you?"

"Me? Marry? I don't think so."

"Why not," she asked? "You'd be the best."

I had an answer, but I couldn't say it. I knew the score. I'd always known the score. Darla, the young one, a little childish, selfish, and not very motivated. She'd marry Gary, have a couple kids, join the country club, and play a little tennis and golf. Play dress up for the big parties, and drive Gary crazy. He'd never be sure. But Amber? I knew her too. She was the perfect one; very best private school, best grades, top graduate school. When she went anywhere it was always on her terms; if it was formal she was the best dressed, if casual she was the most. Amber traveled in many worlds; she did deep sea diving, climbed mountains, planted trees. When she went to Europe she wasn't a tourist, she was an explorer. It hadn't been Rome that caught her eye, no, it had been Pompeii. I knew this because she'd told me. Amber would marry Wren, but she'd make him miserable; he'd never know where she was, what she was doing, or who she was with. He'd end up having a stroke or killing someone, maybe me.

Finally, I said, "I like my work. I like helping people. Me a father? No. A husband? Don't think so."

Amber pointedly asked, "What if it WAS me?"

I replied, "Now you're being cruel."

Our food arrived. We ate in silence. After another drink, and a couple pieces of pie she said, "Hampton Inn?"

I said, "If that's what you want."

She answered, "I do. Come on. We'll leave your car here."

We drove to the Hampton. She'd already acquired a room. We went upstairs. Amber was everything Darla wasn't. Amber was polished and smooth, the total package. I undressed her, then she undressed me. We were in bed, we kissed, we caressed, we fondled. She worked her way down to my crotch. She touched me, she almost took me in her mouth, but stopped. She climbed back up, her on top, me on my back. It was wonderful. She told me she wasn't a virgin, but I had my doubts. It didn't matter. I wanted her. She wanted me. And then?

She sat up and said, "I can't."

I sat up, "What?"

She got up. There was a bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Using the glasses in the cupboard she poured us each a drink and came back over. "Sorry Tim. No can do."

I asked, "Have I done something?"

She took a sip of wine, "No. It's just that you're such a coward."

I took a sip of wine. Yeah, I knew I was coward. If something came up, an emergency, some crisis at the hospital I'd go after it. I'd do something, but when it was done, I'd break down. I'd crack.

There'd been a kid in emergency. Riding a bicycle, a car hit him. When he came in he was a mass of bloody pulpy flesh, a real mess. The doctor and the nurses looked paralyzed. He was good doctor too. I pushed by. I checked the kid's vitals, got him on a respirator, I started reassembling the broken pieces. The doctor asked, "What do you want me to do?" I started giving orders. The boy's life was saved. Two other doctors arrived and saw the kid. They punched our doctor on the arm. Gave him high fives. They called him a hero. He smiled. I got sick and ran for the bathroom. I couldn't think of anything to say. I didn't know what to do. The doctor got all kinds of accolades. Me? I was just the asshole P.A. who helped out. I never said anything. I couldn't. I knew why too. I was too fucking scared. The nurses? They smiled and gave the usual empathetic looks. I was a loser.

I took another sip of wine, "I guess you're right Amber. I don't have it in me."

She pronounced final sentence when she looked at the clock, "We better go."

We both got dressed. She drove me back to my car, and that was that.

Surprisingly, I started seeing both girls on a pretty regular basis again. Sometimes we'd meet at a tavern, sometimes one or the other would call and we'd get together in one of their cars and just go for a drive. We'd talk; no sex. Neither girl ever inquired after the other, but I was sure they compared notes. Neither girl ever asked me what my plans were. I was there, and to them, that was all that mattered.

I did ask Darla about her plans and she said they included Gary. When I asked her about me she grinned, touched me on the cheek, and said, "I got mine."

Amber was harder. Whenever I asked her what she wanted she'd circle back to things like her grandmother and her father; it was heart wrenching mix of nostalgia and emphatic assertions of love. At one point I lost patience, I told her of Darla's plans and finished it off with the question about her and Wren. Her retort was as worthless as it was harsh. She'd said, "You're still afraid aren't you." I had no answer.

It was a few weeks later, and a big double wedding was in the offing at our Catholic church. I was invited. I even got a written invitation. Their father disapproved, but Genevieve had insisted, at least that's what Darla told me. Darla said Genevieve told her husband it was what Mrs. Grummond, would have wanted. She said a verbal invite would have relegated me to an afterthought. He had to succumb.

I was scheduled to be at the reception too; I was to be seated at a table with several of Amber's work friends, mostly girls. At first, I thought that could be interesting, but then, knowing Amber, that table would be poisoned.

I was also welcomed to the Rehearsal Dinner; they needed someone to go and fetch. I met both grooms' parents. Wren's parents were pretentious. Gary's were down to earth, like regular people. I thought, 'There were the Nuevo-riche, and those born to money.'

At the wedding I was supposed to be seated exactly three rows behind Mr. and Mrs. Wexler. It was to be a full mass, something big with all the trimmings.

Mrs. Wexler got a wild burr up her ass. I was supposed to be at the Wexler's house that morning while the girls got ready. The girl's gowns were beautiful. I felt terrible, but hid it behind my usual complacent façade, that was until Mrs. Wexler walked around with a plate of scones. I took one look and almost threw up. The girls laughed and giggled at my discomfort like they always did. I, like always, did what I was told and felt left out. When the limousine arrived I retreated to their cellar toilet. I forlornly sat there letting my tired bowels flush out the previous evening's meal in a watery torrent. I thought miserably, 'Here I was, back in the cellar where I belonged.'

Having worked the night shift I was dead dog tired; there'd been another accident out of Route 15 around 3:00 a.m., and I'd been up to my hips in that.

About the wedding. Right after the "I dos" and all the kissing when everyone was supposed to take pictures I was told to stay back, watch, and be on hand. Mrs. Wexler insisted I do that. She needed her gofer.

So 3:00 O'clock rolled around. The place was packed, hundreds of people. The organ began to play. Everyone stood. Daddy started his girls down the aisle. Everything was moving in slow motion. The Priest, an older man we'd known for years was waiting.

Both grooms with their ushers were standing by. Gary looked truly happy. I checked the girls; even through her veil everyone could see Darla was happily smiling. I looked at Wren; he looked arrogant. I didn't like him. I saw Amber; she looked morose. Darla and Gary would be a good match, a good match for Darla anyway. But Amber and Wren... no way. He scared me, and that's when it dawned on me; there was something in her eyes. Amber didn't love him! Of course not. How could she? She loved me!

The girls and Mr. Wexler were, at last, at the end of the aisle. The priest asked, "Who gives these beautiful young ladies in holy matrimony?"

Mr. Wexler replied, "Their mother and I do." He handed the girls off to their men.

The priest began, "We are gathered here today in the sight of God, family, and friends to unite these two lovely couples in the bonds of holy matrimony." He smiled as he looked out at the assembled throng, "Is there anyone here who can find just cause why either of these beautiful couples should not be married? If so, let them speak now or forever hold their piece."

I sat in my seat. My stomach hurt. I was exhausted, numb. My head was pounding. I'd been up the whole night in the emergency room. A beautiful young woman had been in a terrible accident. There were horrible lacerations on her face. Her left eyelid had been torn. I suspected there was glass in her eye. The doctor on duty was a good man, but he was not good when it came to what she needed. The girl's whole life was on the line. Her face was her signature. Those lacerations were bad. I remember thinking, 'Soft tissue damage, nerve damage.' I'd been to University down in Baltimore. I had some skill with this.

I recall I spoke to the doctor, I'd said, "There were other people in the car. They're really bad. Let me take this one?"

The doctor looked at the woman's face with concern, then at me and muttered "Yeah sure. You do it."

It took me hours. I was slow. I used all my skill, but after a lot of long tedious and time-consuming effort I knew I'd fixed her pretty good. Sure, she'd need further surgeries, but I had saved her face. In time she'd be as pretty as ever. Who knew? In a way I might have saved her life.

What was I thinking? I was at a wedding. Think of the wedding. This was Darla and Amber's big day. Be polite.

The priest was smiling and speaking to Darla. She was saying, "I Darla Wexler take thee Gary Hesson to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse..."

I kept tracing backward, I'd saved that woman this morning. I'd done my job. Sure, I'd been afraid, but I got the job done! I had rescued a beautiful woman! I shook my head. Wake up Tim! The wedding! Mind your manners.

The priest was talking to Gary; he was reiterating what Darla had said. He looked good. Darla looked mischievously happy. Oh, did I know that girl. I felt sympathy for Gary.

Thinking back, 'What had Mrs. Wexler said to me at the Rehearsal Dinner?' She'd said, "Carp Diem. Seize the day." What did she mean by that? Why did she say that to me? Why now? Damn it Tim! The wedding! Focus!

The priest was smiling at Amber. He raised his hand, "And Amber do you..."

Darla had said something this very morning. She'd looked at me and said... What was it? A French thing. Au dace. Au dace. Be audacious! She wanted me to do something. What did she want? Damn it Tim! The wedding. Stay with the program!

Amber was starting to answer the priest. Something inside me was saying, 'This is wrong!'

My stomach hurt. I was going to throw up. I had to do something! I had to get out of the pew. I felt dizzy! My head hurt! I whispered to the people next to me, "Move out of the way." They moved.

I got to the aisle. I had to get down the aisle. To where? The back of the church? The cellar? No! Go forward, to the front! I started down toward the front! This was crazy! I was crazy! This was all wrong!

My cowardly brain was reasoning, 'No Tim. Turn back! Retreat! This is not for you. Do what's expected.' But my reckless fearless heart was demanding, 'Yes! Go forward! Go to Amber!'

I was at the foot of the altar! There was whispering all about. Those in the wedding party were looking at me. Everyone was looking at me! This was crazy! I must be crazy! I was fucking things up.

The priest glanced at me. He looked at Amber, "Say your words dear."

My brain pleaded, 'For the love of God Tim. You don't know what you're doing! Go back and sit down.' My heart decried, 'Go for it! Do it! Claim her! She's yours!'

The priest was mumbling something. Amber was watching me.

I thought, 'This was it. Now or never.' I shouted at the top of my lungs, "NO!"

The whole place reverberated with the sound of my voice. Then dead silence.

The priest stopped. His face was snow as white. No, white as snow. Wren looked down at me. He was mad and scowling. Amber looked at me too. She was hopeful, beaming.

I thought, 'Look at me! I'm fucking up the wedding!' So what! I had to! I was a lion! At the top of my lungs I roared again as loud as I could, "No!"

I pointed at Wren, "She can't marry him! She has to marry me!"

I was out of my mind. I was sure the men in the white coats would be on hand any second. I felt glorious! Oh what a day!

Amber was leaning into Wren. She was whispering something.

He leaned back. I heard, "What the F...!"

Amber took off her three-carat diamond ring and handed it to him. He yanked it out of her hand and nearly knocked the priest down as he vaulted down the aisle.

From behind I heard three hundred people all gasp in unison. People were moving all around.

Amber handed her flowers to Darla. She looked glorious! Never more beautiful! My heart soared like a hawk!

Amber spoke to the gathered congregants, "Listen everyone. There's been a slight change in plans."

I knew it; I'd fucked up the whole wedding. I felt wondrous! I was deliriously happy!

Behind me I heard someone crying, it was the sound of happy tears; it had to be Mrs. Wexler but it sounded a lot like Mrs. Grummond. Pauline.

There was a slight noise from the altar; the sound of someone clearing their throat.

I looked up.

Amber had her hand stretched out to me, and with a smile that had the brilliance of the sun bursting over the ocean at dawn she whispered, "Tim. Please, I need you to come up here!"

And I did.

By

Carvohi