One Little Question

Laura was the most important thing in my life.

"Fuck," I muttered, then took a deep breath.

I could go in there, take her to her bedroom, and lick her pussy.

I could do it.

I had to.

It still took me another minute to draw up the courage to actually open the car door, but once I did, I moved quickly. It was cold out and I hated being cold. When I was working, it didn't seem so bad because we were moving all the time and I had clothes that were graded for the weather, but I wasn't wearing my work jacket or gloves or anything that night. So I shivered and closed the car door, mashed the remote lock until my headlights flashed, and hurried down the sidewalk to Laura's place.

She lived in the basement suite of a house, but there were outdoor stairs leading to her own separate entrance. As I walked down them, I could see the golden light filtering through the frosted window in her door, so at least she was still awake. Swallowing nervously, I ran a hand through my hair, thought through what I wanted to do one last time, then adjusted how I was holding the cupcake and squared my shoulders before knocking on the door.

It took a moment before I saw movement behind the glass, which was fair. It was relatively late and I hadn't told her I was coming.

"Who's there?" she called out in her sweet, polite voice.

"Just me," I said.

She didn't answer right away and I felt my stomach knot, worried that she wouldn't answer it at all. But the outline of her body shifted through the glass and a moment later, the lock clicked and she opened the door.

The image I'd conjured up of Laura in her pajamas while talking to the imaginary cops wasn't too far from the truth. In my head, she'd been in one of those matching flannel sets, the kind that buttoned closed in the front and had a sort of lapel thing going on. And her hair had been messy, the way it was when we woke up after spending the night together.

Her hair wasn't a mess because she probably hadn't been in bed, given that the TV was on in her living room. She was wearing that kind of flannel pajama shirt... and that was it. It was a bit too big for her, just long enough that it covered the panties I assumed she was wearing underneath.

Every thought I'd had flew out of my head as I looked at her.

"Seth?" she asked after a moment.

"I... uh..." I said, then blinked and forced myself to look up from her legs to her face. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she said. "What are you... you know. Doing here?"

I blinked again, then shook my head. "Because I'm sorry. For being a little bitch earlier." I held out the cupcake. "I wanted to get you flowers, but they didn't have any. So I thought this, you know. Had a flower on it." I lifted the elf up and grimaced. "And then I thought, like, a teddy bear or something, but... this was all they had."

She stared at the elf doll, then pressed her lips together. Her cheek twitched the way it did when she was trying not to laugh.

"Which I'm also sorry about," I continued. "Because this thing is really fucking creepy."

She nodded as she reached up and took it from me. "It really is."

Then she glanced at me, stifling a laugh, and a wave of relief washed over me.

"The cupcake might be good though," I said.

"Thank you," she said, a giggle escaping.

I chuckled, then cleared my throat. "I really am sorry, Laura. How I acted earlier was shitty."

"It's okay," she said, reaching out to touch my arm, and even though I was wearing a thick jacket, the feel of her hand sent a warm wave of relief through me. "I accept. But, um, do you want to come in? Just, it's a little cold to stand here talking and I don't have pants on."

"I may have noticed that," I said, glancing down again.

She laughed and tugged on my sleeve. "Come in."

The door had barely swung shut when I dipped my head down and kissed her. She smiled against my mouth, reaching up to cup my cheek as she kissed me back. More importantly, she didn't pull back while I kicked my shoes off and put the cupcake down on the table by the door and tried to shrug my jacket off, instead deepening the kiss enough that I felt my cock begin to stir.

Which was good. Because if she was kissing me like that, she would probably be okay with me doing other things, and I was going to lick her pussy.

I was going to do it. As part of my apology.

And it was going to be fine.

"Have one more thing for you," I murmured against her lips, hoping my nerves didn't show.

Laura pulled back and looked up at me, her eyes wide. "You do? What is it?"

I didn't respond, just hung my jacket on one of the empty hooks by the door, then turned to Laura. Leaning in, I kissed her again and waited until she was kissing me back before moving my arms down in one smooth motion so I could pick her up.

She squealed as I did, her legs wrapping around my waist and her arms around my neck to steady herself. The squeal was followed by a thrilled giggle, one that I felt against my mouth as she grinned. I wanted to smile back, but the nerves in my chest wouldn't let me, so I just kept my lips on hers as I carefully navigated us through her basement suite to her bedroom.

Once we were there, I put her on the bed, urging her back until she had no choice but to lie down with me nestled between her legs. I kept kissing her, kept trying to hide my worries and tell myself I wasn't afraid or nervous or anything like that as I brushed her hair off her face.

I was going to do this.

Steeling my resolve, I pressed a final kiss to her lips, then moved my mouth to her neck. I nuzzled there for a moment, lifting a hand to her breast and cupping it through the flannel pajama shirt. She sighed as I did and I sucked on her neck, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to make her shiver and shift beneath me.

Then I brought both hands to the front of her shirt and started unbuttoning it, hoping she didn't notice that my fingers were shaking as I undid them one by one. I let my lips trail down her chest as I revealed more and more of it, kissing her collarbone and then the tops of her breasts until I'd unfastened the last button and let the shirt fall open, revealing her gorgeous body.

Laura's breasts were huge. Like, far bigger than people would expect. She dressed to minimize them, partly because she worked with teenagers and partly because she just tended towards clothes that balanced her proportions. So it was almost a surprise when she was topless and those incredible, gorgeous, firm tits were revealed.

I'd dreamed about fucking her tits multiple times. Not that I'd told her or ever asked to do it. I might one day, maybe, but it felt like one of those things that could go a few different directions when it came to her opinion of it. She might be into it or neutral about it, or she might be disgusted that I wanted to rub my cock in her cleavage and come all over her neck and chest.

Either way, it didn't matter just then. Tonight was about her. About proving myself to her. So I lavished my usual attention on her tits, burying my face against them and sucking on her nipples and tracing my tongue on the undersides of them in the way I knew would drive her crazy. As I did, I moved my hand down her body, slipping it into her panties.

She was just starting to get wet, her pussy not soaked but radiating that telltale warmth that said she was on her way there. I stroked one finger along her slit, gently exploring her folds. My thinking was that if I could get her at least partway to coming before I lowered my mouth to her pussy, it would be a lot easier.

I definitely wasn't, like, procrastinating or anything.

Once I felt her wetness coating my fingers and she began to squirm beneath me, I knew it was time. Her breasts were rising and falling as her breath started coming faster, and if I didn't do it now, chances are I never would. Taking a last indulgent moment with my face buried in her cleavage, I slipped a finger inside of her and thrust it in and out slowly, making her moan as I began to press kisses lower and lower on her torso.

I'd kissed my way to her belly button when I felt gentle fingers running through my hair.

"What are you doing?" she asked softly.

I didn't look up at her, just kissed the same spot I'd been at before. "You know what I'm doing."

"You're... going down on me?"

My stomach turned.

"Yes, baby," I said.

She was silent. I pressed another kiss to her stomach, but she didn't let go of my hair.

"Seth," she finally said. "I don't want you to."

She didn't... want me to go down on her?

I looked up at Laura, stunned. "But you said... when we were texting, you said—"

"I don't want you to do something you don't want to do," she said, her eyebrows furrowed in an expression that almost looked like pain. "It's not going to make me feel good to know you're hating every second of it."

"I won't hate every second of it," I said.

"We literally argued about this earlier today."

I swallowed, trying to clear the lump of unsettled worry that had started bubbling up in my throat. "I want to be able to do this for you, baby."

"But I don't want you to do it for me," she said gently. "Not when I know you hate doing it."

I closed my eyes. I wasn't sure why. Maybe because that lump in my throat was still there and I felt like I was going to cry.

"Seth?" Laura said after a moment.

"I don't hate doing it," I said, keeping my voice low and controlled. "It's just..." I stopped and sighed, then looked up at her, hoping she could see me pleading. "Just let me do it for you. I want to make you happy."

She studied my face, then moved her hand to my cheek and caressed it.

"You do make me happy," she said. "And what would make me happy right now would be if you could tell me why this is something that bothers you. Then, if you still insist that you want to, we can talk about continuing."

Fuck.

I'd been hoping to avoid that.

The whole "tell me why this bothers you" thing, that is.

Because to tell her that, I was going to have to tell her everything, since that was where it stemmed from. And then she was going to wonder why I hadn't told her before. And I was going to have to explain myself, to tell her I just wanted her to see me as normal, that I hated thinking about that part of my life and hated it even more now that I had her and this... this relationship that meant everything to me.

But she was asking me directly. I wasn't going to lie to her or hide it from her. The only reason she didn't know was because it was one of those things that never came up. I wasn't going to volunteer the information if no one asked for it, and no one ever thought to ask about it.

And if anyone was going to be understanding, it was Laura.

Sighing, I sat back, kneeling on the bed in front of her. She adjusted, sitting up and resting against her pillows as she closed the front of her pajama top.

Great. I wasn't even going to get to look at her boobs while I did this.

"I have to tell you something before I can explain that," I said, not looking her in the eye.

The tension in the room was suddenly so thick, I almost couldn't breathe.

"Okay," she said.

"When I was a kid—" I started, then stopped to clear my throat. "I had cancer. As a kid."

The tension vanished.

"Seth," Laura breathed.

"When I was twelve," I said, still not looking at her. "I went through all the treatments and shit, got the whole Wish Mission experience. We went to Disney with my parents and got a bunch of horseback riding lessons, for some reason. And then I beat it." I laughed dryly. "Obviously, since I'm here."

She made a noise that was like a laugh. One of those sympathetic ones where neither of us found it funny, but she had to respond somehow.

"But no one ever talks about what happens after a kid beats cancer. They get spoiled. Because like, you almost died, right? So adults give you whatever you want and you turn into this total asshole because no one likes saying no to kids who had cancer." I sighed. "I know now that I was kind of a brat and I think people probably assumed I would grow out of it as I got older. Which was fair. And I probably would've, except when I was eighteen, it came back."

"Eighteen?" she repeated. "Seth, that was just a few years ago."

"Seven years," I said. "So I was back to being a cancer patient, and it fucking sucked." I shook my head. "All my friends were partying and going out and getting girlfriends and I was bald, missing my eyebrows, and puking my guts out half the time. I spent more time with my mom driving me back and forth from Calgary for appointments and shit than I did doing anything else."

"That must have been hard," she said.

"Yeah. Except somehow, I still managed to get a girlfriend." I laughed, shaking my head. "Her name was Amanda. We'd gone to high school together. She was always nice to me, but it wasn't until after I got sick again that we started spending more time together. She'd volunteer to like, bring meals over and stuff. And honestly, she made everything a lot easier to handle. She'd come to my appointments sometimes, but I'd refuse to see her for a couple of days after getting chemo because I was so sick. Other than that, it was a pretty normal relationship. We'd go to the movies or whatever. That kind of thing. But no sex."

"Oh," Laura said. "Is that normal?"

"It wasn't like, 'Oh, I have cancer, I can't have sex' or anything. More a preference thing on both our parts."

"Was she your first?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I'd hooked up with this other girl I knew before I got diagnosed. But while I was getting chemo I just felt shitty all the time, so I didn't want to. I started seeing it like this goal, almost, I guess. Like, once I beat cancer again, Amanda and I could have sex. And—" I took a deep breath. "—more specifically, I could go down on her."

"You wanted to?"

"Of course I did. I was... I mean, I wouldn't say I was obsessed with it, but it was something I wanted, partly because I would get these mouth sores and—well. You don't need the nasty details. But basically, it was something I couldn't have done even if I'd been up for it, and that made me... you know. Want it more." I sighed. "I was so into it. When I was getting to the end of my treatments, I'd look up techniques and stuff online to learn how to do it right."

She giggled, which made me glance up.

"That was your excuse to watch porn?" she asked. "Research?"

I laughed. "I didn't need an excuse, trust me. But I, uh, definitely got a little 'hands-on' during some of my education."

She threw her head back as she laughed and I couldn't help but grin, though it faded as I thought about the next thing I had to tell her.

"Well, anyway, spoiler alert, but I eventually beat the cancer that time, too," I said. "And once I got better, Amanda and I decided we were going to finally hook up. We were about twenty at that point but of course, I was still living with my parents. Not that it mattered, because again—I was the fuckin' sick kid that no one said no to. And I was twenty and horny. So she just came over one night and we went up to my room to fuck while my parents were down in the kitchen." I looked up at her again. "The epitome of romance, I know."

She smiled. "Romance is what you make of it."

"I didn't make much of it," I admitted, looking away from her. "I was just super excited to get my mouth on her pussy. So we're up in my room, we're making out, I get her naked, and I go to go down on her, and..."

I stopped. I had to. My stomach curled again at the memory of that night, the nausea rushing through me so strongly that my mouth watered.

"What happened?" Laura asked softly.

"I puked on her."

From the corner of my eye, I saw her mouth drop open. "What?"

I nodded, heat rising in my cheeks as I thought about it. "When I got down there, I started, um... licking. But I just..." I lifted my hand, rubbing the bridge of my nose as embarrassment washed over me. "There was nothing wrong with her. At all. But when you go through chemo, it can fuck shit up. Like your sense of smell. And taste. Like, when I was a kid, I used to love ranch dressing. On veggies, salad, dipping breadsticks, whatever. Ranch was where it was at. After the first time I went through chemo, though?" I made a face. "It's not as bad now, but I still have a hard time eating it."

"Oh," she said as she began to understand.

"I didn't think that... you know. Pussy would be one of the things I'd start hating," I said. "When I'd done it before, I hadn't been particularly good at it, but it wasn't bad as far as the taste went. But with how sensitive everything was after my treatments, it just overwhelmed me and I was so shocked that I just... I couldn't hold it in."

I cringed again, shaking my head.

"So then I'm trying to apologize, trying to clean her up, feeling like a piece of shit as she starts to cry because she's like, 'Oh, my pussy was so gross it made a guy throw up,' and I'm trying to explain that's not what happened and it was just a fucking mess, Laura. It was so bad."

I sighed and shook my head.

"She didn't break up with me right away. Said she thought maybe I could try again and, like, desensitize myself. And I was just like... there was no way, you know? I couldn't put either of us through that. So a couple of weeks later, she said she couldn't do it anymore." I smiled, though it was bitter. "She could handle being with me when I was sick, but not when I couldn't go down on her."

"I'm so sorry," Laura said.

I shrugged. "It sucked. So that was... I dunno. That was part of why I started going out and partying and shit. I'd missed out on doing it with my friends because I'd been in treatments. Then I'd lost the girl who spent all that time next to me. I didn't know how to be independent and I didn't care. When you and I met the first time a couple years ago, that was where I was. That's why I... why we didn't keep in touch."

"What?"

I glanced up at her, hoping she could see the apology in my eyes. "That one-night stand? It was fucking amazing. But I would have been an awful person for you to be with then, even if we'd managed to make it work with the different towns and stuff."

"But you wanted to?" she asked. "Be... together? Even then?"

I nodded. "When I saw you in the grocery store that day, I knew it was the second chance I didn't deserve and that I had to get my shit together. I want to be the right guy for you, Laura. Always. And then when... today. All of that." I looked down, my eyes stinging in a way I couldn't allow myself to let her see. "If I lost you over this, I'd never fucking forgive myself. So I thought I'd... try."

"You weren't, um... worried?" she asked delicately. "That you might...?"

I laughed, but the sound was watery. "I've got way better control now. And it's not like it would be unexpected."

She didn't say anything in response, just sat up slightly so she could reach forward and take my hand in hers.

"I'm sorry, baby," I whispered.

"Don't be," she replied, then squeezed my hand. "I know you must have a good reason for not wanting to tell me about... you know. Being sick."

I tried to smile as I squeezed her hand back. "Because if you don't know about it, you can't treat me any differently. And I just..." I sighed, looking up at her. "That defined my life for almost a decade. I was the kid who had cancer. And then just as I started getting away from that, I got cancer again. But even trying to get past it, it fucks with my life. I just want to show you how much I fucking lov—"

I choked back the word, but it was too late.

"Seth?" she whispered. "Did you—"

I closed my eyes, grimacing. I had to be the least fucking romantic person alive.