One More Year Ch. 23

"So don't you dare treat me like a victim, okay? Not when I've been here this whole time, wanting you, and too wrapped up in my own head to do anything about it. And worse. I shouldn't have kept nudging you towards Eric, because I thought it was somehow the high road to get you and him back together. You probably wouldn't have ended up getting involved in all that stuff with him and Nick, if I hadn't."

I was still struggling to process it all. He'd really wanted me that long? Was that why he'd been so awkward when we'd first met? When I thought of all the times he'd been there for me - always listening to my problems, never judging, ignoring his own feelings, never taking advantage of me when I was feeling down - I wanted to kick myself.

"Besides, what I want isn't the problem. It never was. I really like you, Jay. I have forever. But you need to like me back, or I can't..." He exhaled sharply. "What do you want?"

"I... don't know." It felt more like a reflex at this point, and seeing Louis look at me like that - annoyed, yearning - I hated myself for not being able to get the words out. I wanted him. It should have been that easy. I was about to open my mouth and try again when he sighed heavily.

"Then figure it out. Quickly." He said the last word emphatically, and shrugged. "Sorry. I'm going to head back."

Mel tumbled into the room as he pulled open the door. He quietly marched past her, his jaw set, and back towards the table. She gave me a sheepish grin and gently pulled the door shut behind them. Even once he was gone, my brain was still struggling to form a response.

I glared at my reflection. "Fuck."

I was almost having trouble believing it. Since he'd met me. He'd really wanted me, for that long, and hadn't said anything. But of course he wouldn't have. There was never a good time. I'd gone straight into a relationship with his friend, and then from the fallout of that breakup to the weird situation with Jamie, and then almost instantly into the mess with Eric and Nick.

I had no doubt I wanted Louis. Not the way I had wanted Nick, where my physical desire had trumped my distaste for his personality. Or the way I'd wanted Jamie, where the excitement of a long-standing crush, finally fulfilled, had trumped any of my doubts about the situation. And not even the way I had wanted Eric, where physical desire and the mystery and excitement had swept me away into what I thought was an epic romance. One that made me willing to overlook things.

No, I knew exactly who Louis was. I knew how much he cared about his friends, how he'd do anything to make sure the people he cared about most were okay. He'd give people second, third and even fourth chances. He loved maths - not just doing well at it, he was actually deeply interested in it in a way that I just could never understand. He loved books almost as much as I did. And he was definitely much braver than I was.

I knew other things too - flaws, although I didn't really see them that way. He hated confrontation, and would avoid it, even if that did more harm than good. He had a compulsive need to organise things, and couldn't relax until he was surrounded by order.

I knew him so well. And I knew I wanted him. I don't know why I had to be hyperventilating at a bathroom mirror to figure that out - it should have been obvious.

I'd want him even if he didn't want me. That's what I was so afraid of. That's why I couldn't talk to him about it. But he did. And I did. We were both trying so hard to not want each other because it would hurt too much if it was unrequited, but we were both being... idiots. I spun around, not sure what I was going to do, but suddenly very sure about what I wanted.

"Have you fucking died in here?" Mel barged in and stomped over to stand next to me at the sink. I stayed quiet, so she shrugged and started checking her hair and makeup in the mirror.

After a few seconds, I snapped out of it. "This is the boy's bathroom."

"Well, I have more balls than you." She grinned, and finished fiddling with her hair. "Oh, come on. You obviously want to be with Louis, right?"

I sighed. "Yes."

"And you're going to tell him? Tonight?" She turned to me.

I grimaced. "I'll try."

"You fucking better do more than just try. But it can wait until the after party. I can barely hear myself think out there. This DJ is so crappy." She grabbed my arm. "But come on, let's get back. That teacher of yours will be giving her speech and telling us to go to hell soon."

"Sure." I chuckled and let her lead me out.

As the door swung open, Jamie jumped back from the other side. When he saw Mel, his eyes shot up back to the sign on the door. But then he looked back and saw me, and he tilted his head, a confused expression on his face. I glanced across at Mel, who had a wicked grin spreading on her face.

"Hey Jamie." Mel let go of my arm, and used her hands to push up her boobs, as if she were adjusting them. "Classy place, isn't it? The bathroom stalls are so roomy. Two people fit, easy. Right, Jay?"

She slipped past him, and his gaze followed her into the room. His head snapped back to me, looking even more confused, and I laughed. Feeling at least a bit cheered up by Mel's joke, I winked. His head jerked back in surprise, and he gave me a nervous smile, but I didn't stick around to talk. I just followed in her wake, chuckling softly under my breath.

Our table was empty, and Mel had headed straight for the dance floor. Clearly another popular song had come on, because most of the tables were clear - I could see Caitlyn sitting alone at one of them, and Lea and Nick deep in conversation at another. At the one closest to me, Jess was sitting all on her own. I didn't feel like dancing, so I walked over and slipped into the chair next to her.

"Hey." She gave me an encouraging smile. "How's your night going?"

"Okay, I guess." I shrugged. "Yours?"

"Well, it's kind of hilarious how much your school's dance is being ruined by this shitty DJ. But other than that, I'm having fun. Maybe because of that. Jamie's cute, and his friends are..."

"Interesting?"

She laughed. "Sure, let's go with that. Dru's a bit of an ass. Matty's nice, but apparently he's been with his girlfriend for months now. Figures."

"Yeah, the good ones get taken."

"And the shitty ones get left to roam free." She sighed, but kept smiling. "It's fine. You at least have... Or... um..."

"Yeah, apparently it's blatantly obvious to everyone."

"It is." She chuckled. "Sorry. But it's nice that you have him, and he's one of the best guys in the world. Anyone who can be nice to me after the way I treated him is basically a saint."

"Right."

"So you should go for him. For the sake of those of us who DON'T have good options." She grimaced. "And as for me, I guess I'll just wait until university. In the meantime, maybe I'll try to hook up with someone who's one-hundred-percent straight, for once."

"Um..." I rubbed the back of my neck. I kind of had to tell her. "So... maybe not Jamie."

She let out a snort of laughter. "Oh shit. Okay, noted."

"Yeah." I grimaced. "Don't... say anything. To anyone."

"Hey, I'm already great at keeping everybody else's secrets. Don't worry about it." She shrugged, and nodded behind me. "Looks like Ellie wants you."

I looked back, and Ellie was standing over at our table. She gestured violently as she saw me turn. I sighed. "Bye, Jess. See you at the after party."

"Bye."

I headed over to Ellie, and we took our seats. "What is it?"

She flicked her eyes to the dance floor, and satisfied that all of our friends were still out there, she leaned towards me. "Mrs. A's going to do the closing speech in a few minutes, and we're going to have to go. So... Have you talked to him yet?"

"Yeah, a bit. Mel shut us in the bathroom together."

"Oh MY!" She clutched her hand to her chest, a huge grin on her face.

"Oh, grow up." I rolled my eyes. "But we talked a little."

"And?"

I sighed. "I don't know, Ellie. I really want... I'm not sure. And that's part of the problem."

"Pffft." She leaned back, shaking her head at me. "Of course you know. Don't be ridiculous."

"Fine. Maybe I do." I rubbed the side of my face. "But every time I try to get the words out, I just freeze."

"So then don't use words. Do one of those grand, romantic gestures."

"It's like you haven't even met me." I gave her a flat stare.

"Oh, come on. You are absolutely ridiculous. Pretending you're not just as much of a hopeless romantic as the rest of us." She laughed softly. "But really, Jay, the after-party - that's it. That's your last chance. You're not going to have much excuse to hang around with him again unless you're willing to convince him to come to Ballito with us. And go yourself, actually."

"We could still hang out together. During the holidays."

"You can barely talk to him now. You're going to invite him for a sleepover when the two of you are behaving like this?"

"Shit." She was right. Of course she was. I didn't have infinite chances to get this right. If I thought it was difficult to talk to him already, when we had easy excuses to be around each other, it would be much worse later.

"Exactly." She crossed her arms. "So tell him what he needs to hear, or figure something else out."

"Okay." I took a deep steadying breath, and looked up at her in panic. "Now?"

"No, we're leaving soon." She gestured towards the centre of the room. "Mrs. A's on her way to the DJ booth."

I turned around and saw Mrs. A weave her way through the tables. This really was it. She reached the DJ, and quickly pulled him aside. He nodded amicably, and immediately shut off the music, causing everyone who had been dancing to pause in shock. Mrs. A dithered for a second - looking back at him with a scathing look - but then she just shrugged and picked up the microphone.

"Sorry about that. Thank you, everyone. This concludes the dance. We haven't rented the ballroom for much longer, so if you could please leave in an orderly fashion. I understand Lea has organised an after-party at a nearby club - please speak to her for details, if you haven't already. I'll see you all at the end of the year for the awards ceremony. Enjoy your holidays, provided you've passed all your finals and won't need to be doing the makeup tests, in which case I'll see you sooner." With that, she casually dropped the microphone back on the DJ's booth and strode out of the hall.

"Well, that was abrupt." Ellie chuckled. "I guess we should move on. Let's go gather everyone."

It didn't take us long to leave, and to pile into the series of Ubers, cars and still-rented limos. But when we pulled up in the clubbing district, it was clear the glamour of the evening was definitely over, insofar as it had actually existed.

The place Lea had organised wasn't even on the main street, with all the good clubs. It was down one of the side roads, and one that looked pretty sketchy. I'd heard from Ellie that the choices had been pretty limited because there were only about sixty of us who had gone to the dance, so none of the nicer places had wanted to close down for us - or even make allowances for the fact that a handful of us would be under eighteen. Which is why Lea had ended up with the difficult job, and not Ellie.

Her face made me think that maybe she regretted that, as we came up the stairs and into the main room. It was basically a sports bar, and the worst part is there were still other people in there - a couple of hipsters who were sneering so heavily at us that it was clear they'd be leaving soon, a depressed looking man hanging off the edge of the bar, and a very intimidating guy covered in tattoos and piercings. And Vince, of course, looking super casual and a bit out of place, but very happy to see us.

Ellie rounded on Lea as she got up the stairs. Lea waved shyly. "Hey, Ellie. Hey, Jay."

"What the hell, Lea? What is this place?" Ellie crossed her arms.

Lea shook her head sadly, wincing slightly at Ellie's tone. "It was the only place that was willing to have us."

"But..." Ellie looked around, at a loss. "There are still people here, and-"

"We're not paying them, Ellie." Lea was frowning slightly. "You told me we needed a place for free. They're going to close the door and put up a sign once we're all in, but they didn't want to kick out their regulars before we got here."

"But-"

"Ellie!" Lea stamped her foot. "This was the best I could do, okay? If you wanted something better, you should have organised it yourself." She suddenly seemed a bit shocked at her own reaction. "Sorry. But... Sorry. It'll just have to be fine."

I didn't notice Nick had appeared at the stairs behind us while they were talking. He gave me a nervous smile and then rushed after Lea. Ellie turned to me, her expression part shocked and part amused.

"Did I..." Her voice trailed off, and she tilted her head. "Maybe push Lea a bit too far?"

"I think you might have." I chuckled. "I always knew she'd snap, one day."

"Well, I'll apologise later. Good for her, though. I always thought she could be a tad more confident." She sighed in resignation. "I guess this place is fine."

"Absolutely. We're all here together, right? That's what counts."

"True." She pursed her lips. "Okay, let's go figure out if there's anywhere we can sit down with our friends without needing to get tetanus shots afterwards."

I laughed and followed her through the bar. It wasn't that bad. It was still a place in the city, so it was a lot cleaner than the weird, outskirts dive-bar we'd gone to for John's birthday. And the music was actually pretty good, at least by my standards. Lots of garage rock, not too loud. We could still talk, and drink.

So we did that, and I was having fun - real fun, with my real friends. My heart nearly broke at the thought that it might be the last time it was ever quite like this with us, but I couldn't let that get in the way of just taking time to enjoy being around them. After a few drinks, even Louis and I were starting to relax around each other. If I drank enough, I'd probably have the courage to tell Louis the way I really felt.

But, on my way to the bar for another beer, I realised I really didn't want to do that. Sloppily confessing my love for Louis, just because I was drunk, would be terrible. He deserved so much better than that. After waiting for me for nearly a whole year - or, not even waiting for me, but gracefully just being there at my side the whole time - he deserved honesty. The kind that didn't need chemical assistance.

Or maybe he at least deserved Ellie's theorised grand, romantic gesture. Whatever that could be.

So I got myself a water, and headed back to the table, but the sight I came across on the dancefloor had the power to pause me in my tracks. Lea was making out with the terrifying tattoo guy. More than that - they were grinding against each other, and running their hands all over. Her more enthusiastically than him, as far as I could tell.

Some people were making a valiant effort to keep dancing around them and ignoring the spectacle, but no one's heart was really in it. Everyone was staring at poor, timid Lea, suddenly making out in a public place with a guy who was at least ten years older than her. Energetically, no less.

I looked up, and caught Nick's eye - he'd been one of the people standing on the side of the dancefloor, staring. When we made eye contact, he mouthed the word 'Ew' to me, and shrugged, smiling. He had said, that one night, that Lea had been into me because she was kind of scared of me. Clearly she'd found someone scarier, and gone after what she really wanted. Good for her.

I set my water down on the table behind me, and made a beeline for where my friends were standing. Some of them were staring at the dancefloor - Lea was putting on quite the show, after all - but I could see Louis, leaning against the wall behind them, drinking his beer, too mature to engage.

I walked right up to him, and his eyes shot up to mine. His expression looked slightly shocked at my sudden appearance, but a hint of a smile twitched at the corners of his mouth. He put his beer down on the table next to him. "Hey, Jay. I-"

He didn't have time to finish, as I stepped in to mash my face against his. He let out a slight, muffled yelp, and then melted into the kiss as I worked my tongue into his mouth. Fuck it. If Lea, of all people, could make out with a stranger she'd met an hour ago - whose name she might not even know - I could do it with my best friend, who I'd started to love.

Maybe I shouldn't have. I'd never asked him if he'd be comfortable with that. Me kissing him in front of everyone. He was a lot more comfortable with being out than me, and out to a lot more people, but we'd never quite talked about PDA.

Still, though, it was his tongue that was pushing back at mine just as forcefully, and his hands that were running down my back, pulling me towards him, feeling like they were causing sparks at every contact. His hardness that I felt pressed against mine as I leaned against him, pinning him to the wall.

My friends had gone quiet, but I didn't care. I didn't even care if the rest of my classmates had seen us. The school couldn't expell me anymore - finals were out of their hands - and if anyone got homophobic, I'd never have to see them again. The only thing that could have stopped me from touching Louis was my own self-consciousness. In the face of how much I wanted him, it felt like such a tiny, insignificant thing.

Eventually, he managed to push me off. He was panting for air, and he'd only managed to dislodge me because I'd needed to come up for air just as much as he did. Although he'd had to initiate the separation - if it were left to me, I'd have kissed Louis until I suffocated.

He chuckled, and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

I raised my head, and locked eyes with him, nodding slowly. "I've never been this sure of anything. It's you, Louis. I want you."

"You figured it out." A broad grin spread across his face.

Even through the music, I could still hear a note of pride in his voice, and I nearly melted. I liked it when Louis was proud of me. Even for something as stupid as finally knowing which guy I wanted to kiss.

I thought I heard Ellie suppress a squeal behind me, and I definitely heard a satisfied grunt from John. But I didn't bother turning around, because Louis was reaching his hand forward, and pulling me into another kiss.

And that was all I cared about.