by Incoming
Should have taken her "out" also. 2 stars. I am a BTB and BTB person, not just one of them.
So the guy expects the three golfers to lie for him? The more people are in on a false alibi, the more chance of disaster. Better to be alone. D
We like to self-righteously commend ourselves for the delusion that the law of the jungle has taken a back seat to the wholly corrupt legal system that pervades our society. What does our "justice system" actually provide for us other than misdirected findings, differing forms of enslavement and tremendous expense? I suspect there are many cases like this one and we never hear about them. We only hear about the the so called successful stories where our corrupt justice system prevails.
completely stupid followup. I barely skimmed after the hit and run. From the first story, Gil was going to be brought to justice and all the women he had screwed over vindicated. Instead it was a quick slam, fly through the air and die proposition. 2 stars
If you are capable of getting away with murder, the priority is to disappear the traitor wife. However, in this case, since the other man has evidence, he has to go also.
I’ve never understood stories where only the other man is punished, unless it was rape. If the wife consented, she’s more guilty, since she’s the one who promised to be faithful.
If adultery is worthy of death, then it is the wife who MUST be sent to her eternal punishment. Personally, I’m good with both being put to death.
ZK
pretty good, liked the mcs can do attitude, lucky he had friends on the dark side. why did wife cheat? why did she expect hubby to back her up? she said it was her idea, she enjoyed it but didnt like being blackmailed. tough on her, no reason to have her back, oops just realized donna was the cheater at the beginning and blow jobber at the end. guess she was right, they did have something special and he did have her back. why did she do it, and admit she liked it? after realizing my lack of comprehension took 1 star awy from story=3 stars. rk
The To the Readers was a priceless way to tell critics to fuck off. Well done!
Nothing creates quite the feeling that the total destruction of an asshole does. Revenge is a circle completing act, very fulfilling!
Good story line but you sure did not make the most of it. Taking Gill out with a hit and run is plauseable but it actually happening set up as such,not likely. The wife remaining in the relationship and be a slave, thats' an absurd fantasy. She would have been gone with the wind,never to be seen or heard of again(thats' reality)..don't ruin your story lines with over the top shit or unreal situations,realism is what makes a tale good and easier to read. Here is another HINT when thinking revenge...There Absolutely cannot be sexual intercourse of any kind without the females consent. If there is its called rape. The choice to have sex has always been the womans to agree to or say No to..Casual meetings,dating or in marriage..All men can do is pursue and let it be known they are available,only the woman will allow sex or an affair to happen,just like them accepting a date or rejecting a date.. women have always know this and use its power. So to be blunt : a male can pursue and entice without remorse to no end. With a NO from the female nothing happens...That also a reality....
A decent initial story, left in the air by a writer without a complete ending, is finished by a writer who felt his ending was the end all. It wasn’t. Stick with your stories for now on.
Not reconciliation so much as a lifelong threat? I get it. The way she threatened him with divorce doesn't paint her as a wife worth keeping except keeping her under his heel. I'm not sure I'd want to keep a wife that way, but I get it. It's just one more form of revenge.
Good for Gil's high flying ending. Bad for keeping Donna around.
When the kids are grown and gone, then she stabs him in his sleep.
No thanks.
i get the need for revenge on the lover but the wife is the one who he needed to make suffer.
He stayed??!! I figure divorce would be simple with the threat of her death looming!!!
If nothing else I like the ending for Him , and the dartboard is hilarious.
OK- the Ford F-150 is used to bring them both back to the parking lot.
Where was the Sedan put? Or should there have been a paragraph where the sedan was torched up the road?
There's anonymous trying to use logic to crap on a good story again. Good news, Gil died this time. Bad news, Donna lived.
How would he know Gil would be driving along that stretch of road at that time?.
I confirms my belief in a good and just God!
No forgivness, but acceptable contrition.
Enjoyed the story and the postscript. Well written Blah Blah blah. Good sentence and paragraph structure Blah Blah Blah. Story flow is great Blah Blah Blah. If the author doesn't like my heavy use of Blah Blah Blah, please revert back to line one of this comment. I'm not a Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling cop.
Still waiting to read this 'story' you're supposed to be writing. I have no idea what this was, and I can't read garbage, I'm afraid...
Valdez is coming. Be afraid. He used to keel Apaches. Before he know better. But you should have paid the one hundred dollars. ... I know most people won’t get that, but I couldn’t resist throwing it out there. Actually I liked this ending. Steve and Donna repaired their marriage and good old Gil got what he had coming. Sounds fair to me.
I gave 5 stars for some reason, maybe because it was a bit different and entertaining to read. The most important issue is the use of fear to assure obedience. Even the fear of death will pass given enough time-it needs to be continually increased like developing a drug tolerance for it to contintinue to be effective. Plus, forced compliance is suitable for a slave, but even a pain slut toy chooses to submit willingly... The acceptance of such love is not acceptable unless it's given relatively freely. I mean, some people might require some special manipulation to a certain extent, but that can be done without fear...especially of death, what the fuck.
So, nice story, but I disagree with it.
This Donna had nothing to do with the original. Complete psycho bitch threatening to fuck Gil in his bed? She was remorseful, that much was a clear part of the setup the original provided. This is the fourth One Slip sequel I've read and so far it is the absolute worst, you could have written your own few paragraphs to start it off, and just done a generic LW story of your own. No point to this being a sequel.
Gil got what he deserved and Donna got a quick lessen of what could happen to her if she screwed up again! I like the fact that he gave Donna a pass since she did confess immediately after the event.
scares the strong and weaken resolve. TK U MLJ LV NV
"I want you to consider this option. If you divorce me, I will keep the kids and the house. You will pay child support and alimony, and don't be surprised if Gil winds up fucking me in our bed. I am fed up with both of you guys. You're never home and he thinks I'm his free piece of ass." - Amazing how she goes from contrite to vengeful shrew in five seconds!
"About an hour later Donna came into my room crying. She had heard on the news that Gil had been killed in a hit-an-run accident." - Why the fuck is she crying over Gil?!
The last paragraph totally fucks up all these stories. Why the fuck would these guys keep these women? She needs to quietly 'disappear'. A big 1* for the fucked up ending
"I want you to consider this option. If you divorce me, I will keep the kids and the house. You will pay child support and alimony, and don't be surprised if Gil winds up fucking me in our bed.” – So much for being sorry! He only asked for some time – that’s not exactly unreasonable after being hit with this out of the blue!
This authors stories move along a purposeful path and then in the last paragraph take a 90 degree turn and crash headlong into a concrete wall and the stories die in a huge explosion. Not worth the 1* I gave it.
This is a piss poor ending. Can't relate this crap to Pat's story. Hell you can't even get the name's of the characters right. Did you read what Pat's story was about before spit out this crap?
I got to say I do love your ideas for revenge you sick bastard. lol I wish I read your stories along time ago they would have been a lot of help. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Although I found both Hubby's and Wifey's responses to be a bit strange.
Loved it--Not very likely but real good fun. Like my old Physics professor was fond of saying,'You got to set your parameters if you want to solve a problem.'
Why the hell is she crying over Gil? He seduced her, tried to blackmail her not only into continuing the affair but to being his corporate whore!
Why is she pissed? She drops a bomb on him, and expects him to calmly say "Oh, it's ok, Honey, we'll work it out"?
He just said he had to consider his options, that doesn't mean he's throwing her out.
who says that a woman can't be taught.......sometimes you just need a bigger stick
Your Donna is not the same character as the original writer wrote. Hell, she is not even consistent in your telling of the story. Didn't finish the story because an author that can't be consistent isn't worth finishing.
I wonder what contriving a murder would do to one's psyche. I can' believe that it helped their marriage. I understand the novel feelings and I reject the benefit to a relationship.
Yeah, death threats are totally the solution to a bad marriage and making your wife "fall in love" with you again.
At least good ole Gil "brought the farm." Meanwhile, author, watch your back.
So he let his wife cheat on him, no divorce, no thing? We're supposed to believe that she regrets what she did after he admittedly neglected her and treated her like shit, just because she sucks his cock?
Fucking pathetic, dude. He's a shitty husband who apparently doesn't mind permanent sloppy seconds, and she's a cheating whore. They should both die in a car accident.
just ask betrayed, he has OneBrainCell and would know first-hand from experience the oral skills of a bonfide wannabe-cuck like cuckdogg (come on, Matt Moreau is his fav author fer chrissakes)
yet another man hating author, she cheated just like Gill did, but kill Gill and let the whore continue on her way.
I was wrong. He should have sold her to a Mexican whorehouse and found another love. After ten years she was just his glorified whore anyway so why not trade up to someone you care about, not just someone who swallows? Fucking cunt.
I liked it. The friend was easy to dispose of without a trail leading directly back to you. About the only way you could get rid of the wife using these methods would be to use Gil's care to take her out. That would then leave Gil on the hook for the murder, though that's a rather risky set of circumstances.
He made his point VERY clear to her. If nothing else, she'll never be stupid enough to do it again.
Probably should have run over the wife, not the friend. Who would keep a cheating slut that has no remorse for her actions and obviously no love nor respect for her husband. She'd be sure to cheat again. Where's the trust?
Made me chuckle, totally unique version but gave me a good laugh!
Almost a betrayal of the spirit of the original and very poorly written.
Good ending. I like that Gil was wasted but the wife could have gotten a little more punishment other than just being scared to death. Oh well, at least she sucks his cock every morning ten years after the incident.
OH YEAH
either way its showing. TK U MLJ LV NV
that police never help people and commit more crimes than cops - then posts this comment saying they would help the wife?
DWmoronic is so stupid she can't even keep her own comments straight, haha
her going to the cops would be just plain stupid, because she has no proof he did anything. And besides, if she knows he took out Gil and got away with it, he could do the same to her. Good thing she's not as fucking stupid as you are, or she'd be worm kibble.
For one, Donna is not that weak and the moment she realized the threat against her life, she would go the the police and he would go to prison for murder. I rated it 1*.
I do like the dark side every now and then, and this touched my heart deeply. R.T.
I agree with the comments where the husband shitcans the wife who he loves and has spent 15 years with. All he has to do is get over Donna in 3 to 5 years. Spend a year or 2 looking for the last virgin in the county and get married again in hopes that this one works out. If not, he can spend another decade trying again.
Again why would he keep a whore that cheated that told him if he did not help her she would divorce him and fuck the one blackmailing her!!!!! Nope it don't make sense!!!!
I realize this was a follow-on, but feel you did to little to develop your characters. This reads like a Cliff-Notes version of the story.
There is no way you ever are going to make a decent NoWimp story is it? Your characters seems to sink to greater depths than the wifes do every time.. Sh* You makes those cheaters look good comparing.. A advice hombre, no marriage for you ever, you would just freak out :) Cheers Yoron.
<p><i>He didn't rape me. I did it voluntarily; I cannot lie to you. At the time, I enjoyed it. It was exciting and different.</i></p>
<i>I have a problem and I feel that our marriage is strong enough to solve it. I made a mistake and I am asking you for forgiveness and help.</i>
<p>See it?</p> Her great character flaw. I got the impression that she is calculating bitch and not the character Patricia51 developed. Sorry only nice try.
Who were these people? I looked for them in the original tale but couldn't seem to locate them. Decent enough prose but the "hero" in this vignette is nothing more than a criminal. No thanks.
I read Patricia's story, and these characters were just too different. It made no sense. If Donna was such a viper why would she confess her infedility to her husband? and what happened with the evidence? he may have killed him, but the tapes and photos were still there. too many drastic changes and too many holes in the plot. just write your revenge stories and leave the other author's stories alone. theres tons of stories you can create, indulging in criminal behavior. after all, you da man.
I have to agree this story is not in anyway in the same vein as the original. It has none of the Characters values in it. It does appear to be a totally different set of people.
PT
why are you talking so dumb? there was no wimp in this story.why don't you write a story in lw and have no wimp hubby.please do that for us who think you're full of shit.
A Better Ending Than the Original, But still A FUKING WIMP! (zed)
This would have been a pretty good stiry except that there wasn't enough of it. I haven't read anything from the other author you mentioned so i can't say anything about the charracter in her stories. But this one could have been great.
It would have been better if you had written your own story rather than try to write this ending. You did not remain true to the character of Donna that Patricia 51 had created. Your Donna was a bitch pure and simple. She was more offended that he wouldn't help her than the fact that she had betrayed the relationship. That was NOT what Patricia 51 wrote.
Great job-I enjoyed it. I can't understand who the "Donna" is with him 10 yrs later. Obviously, he gave his wife,at the time, a"foot in the ass" right after he showed her the dart board. This guy doesn't seem to be wimp enough to let the whore stick around.
again. I think this story just changed the characters too much.
Thanks for the effort, though.
Regards, DJ
This story marks the eighth follow-on to ‘One Slip’ posted on this site. That is a testament both to particia51’s thoughtful original as well as to the courage of those writers to improve upon the original. I do not expect every author to mimic her style, tone and flow. She is one of the best writers on this site. Therefore, I give every new rendition a lot of leeway in the reading.
Prior to writing this opinion I went back and re-read particia51’s story (which itself was partially inspired by the Troubador’s ‘How High A Price’). After reading the story, I had a problem with its very title. Donna’s actions did not constitute a mere ‘slip’.
If your read Donna’s own account she was a WILLING participant in the adultery. She was not raped nor was she drugged. She admits that her inhibitions were lowered by alcohol but she offers no explanation for her actions, only regret. We learn later from Donna that she knew in advance of her tryst that Gil was a scoundrel who had done this before, and still she did what she did.
According to her, Gil is her husband Steve’s best friend, that fact alone made the betrayal that much more onerous. Donna acts as much to save herself from being Gil’s slave as she does to save her marriage. She appears to like the trappings of the marriage; hence, she rides in the BMW while Steve drives a pickup. Was it not telling that she finds regret in perhaps losing that car right before she leaves the parking lot heading for Steve’s office?
In my interpretation of particia51’s words, I did not envision Steve reconciling with Donna once he learned of her adultery. I based that on the ONLY person in the story to give an assessment of Steve’s character, and that was Gil. Like all blackmailers, Gil enters into the plot thinking that his plan will be work. He has done this same thing successfully to another wife (according to Donna), and he has successfully seduced her.
I take Gil assessment as the best predictor of behavior in the story. Gil is two for three in my book. I can understand how he thought his blackmail might work too. In any event, I think that Gil’s assessment of Steve is correct and Donna, his wife, offers no counter that he WILL NOT split with her.
Having said all of this, I am amazed at how all of the follow-on stories have Donna and Steve staying together. Even though a lot of us, myself including, like happy endings, there was little to justify that in the patricia51 story. Other than the fine story from Joesephus, this version from Incoming may be the most realistic of the bunch. At least Incoming appears to have had fun with the retelling.
That you could drive an F-150 through it without hitting anything.
Finally, an ending that made cents yet was sensitive to those involved as well as the readers. The readers who have never felt that realistic justice was served by any of the redo's as well as the original.
Certainly this one, so based in life will make The Troubador feel that his set up work wasn't just in vain.
No? Cmon! Now seriously without kidding around! Or kidding around without seriousness!
I liked it because of the beat - and the sensitive background depth for the feelings justified by a good friend and his practice ho.
Most of all, because there is no longer any need to hit the reduu button on this one - or is there?
Nice shot author - reality with grins and a flourish!
Keep up the dirty work as someone needs to! However, when will you take a sick cuck story on? Cmon, it could be fun!
You're story has been mentioned on the New Story Review Thread, found on Lit. Bulletin Board, found in the Author's Hangout forum. ~ Red
Great story! All your stories have been fun. I am not a fan of cheating of either husband or wife. I am certainly not a fan of cuckolds. Please continue your writing efforts. Perhaps some stories could be longer in the future as this would provide me more fun reading.
Roger
As a sequel to the original story by Patrica51 you got a good start up to Donna's confession and then it went sour. I agree with Ohio that the actions of the characters make no sense. Donna does not act like she is sorry for her actions with Gil. Gil only wanted to make her his corporate whore which failed so why kill him? Remember Gil worked for Steve. Steve as written in the original story was a good husband and father but here he becomes a thug.
The biggest problem with this story is that it does not address Donna's infidelity. To threaten her like a mob boss is dumb which only encourages her to be smarter and more careful when she cheats next time.
SleeplessinMD