One Step at a Time

They set up a 'date' for Saturday evening with Traci politely lamenting the fact she was finally spending an evening with the guy she'd had a crush on for three years having avoided getting serious with anyone else just in case. "I finally get a date with Brock Adams only to help turn him into Brooke Adams. How ironic is that?"

Adams watched as many makeup tutorials as he could the next two days after work to learn as much as possible before sitting down with Traci for his first formal lesson. She was right. There was just so much to learn before unleashing Brooke on the world. But learning all of those things was something Brock Adams couldn't wait to start doing. For the first time—other than majoring in math—he was doing what he wanted to do.

Traci was an excellent teacher. She spent time discussing things like skin tones and colors in order to determine which foundation to wear and what color clothing Brooke would look best in. They didn't actually apply any makeup this first time, they just discussed everything about makeup application he'd need to know. Brock had no idea how important something as simple as having the right brushes was, but evidently, it mattered a lot. He really even had no idea how to shade or blend eye shadow or even what color to wear when or with what when he first sat down with Traci.

"Your eyes say a lot about you, right? So they should say the right thing at the right time. They need to look a certain way for work, another way for a dinner date, and yet another way for a...well, for a more sultry, romantic kind of look."

Traci also told him, "This will be the difficult part for me—at least initially anyway. You need to learn to sit, stand, walk, talk, and gesture like a woman. Seeing you as a man doing those things may be rather...uncomfortable...but I think we should practice them whenever we're together. If you don't, you'll act masculine no matter how convincing your physical presentation. If you go overboard, you'll look prissy and downright ridiculous. I really don't know how to teach that, but you can try mimicking me and we'll see how it goes. I'll give you honest feedback about what looks realistic and then we can go from there."

Brock thanked her sincerely and hugged her before he left. "That's what I've been waiting for all this time," she said wistfully as he held her.

"I'm so sorry if I've hurt you, Traci," he told her. "You know that wasn't my intent, right?"

He saw a tear in her eye and that hurt worst of all. "I know," she said wiping it with her wrist the best she could. "I don't blame you, Brock. At least not now that I understand what's been going on." She smiled bravely then said, "Okay, so you start electrolysis tomorrow, right?"

"Yes. On my face. I've having laser hair removal done everywhere else. The only upside is I don't have a lot of chest hair and almost none on my back. With the face, you have to keep going back because the hair follicles cycle through phases of going dormant. You can't get everything in a few weeks because many active follicles are 'napping'. Besides, I hear it's moderately painful so easy does it."

"Well, you have quite a few months to take care of everything. We'll just keep plugging away one step at a time, okay?"

He took her hands and said, "We. I like that very much."

"Me, too," she said. "May I kiss you on the cheek?"

He offered it to her and Traci gave him something between a peck and a real kiss on his cheek. "So close and yet so far," she sighed. "Okay, no more pouting from yours truly. I promise. Just support. Next time we'll actually do your makeup. Just go buy all the stuff on the list we made, okay? After that, we'll start talking about fashion and the kind of clothes to wear in various situations."

Brock had never felt so optimistic or happy in his entire life than he did driving home from Traci's that night. A feeling that would stay with him throughout the ups and downs of the entire transitional process.

The first down, the first real 'bump in the road' came less than a week later when Traci told Brock she'd met someone. "That doesn't mean I won't still be helping you with your transition, it just means we'll need to get together during the morning or afternoons so my weekend evenings are free."

Adams could read between the lines even though Traci couldn't. This new boyfriend would not be okay with her hanging out with some other guy, unless she told him the other guy was gay or...the truth. Just as he thought, two weeks later, as she got closer to this new guy she seemed to really like, Brock's name came up and he didn't much like it.

"I'm so sorry!" she told him the following Monday at school. "It's just that he's, you know, kind of jealous and..."

"It's okay," he told her. It was only a matter of time. She'd taught him so much in just the four 'sessions' they had together that Brock felt ahead of the power curve for the first time. Between the things Traci had had taught him and his own continual research on line, he was developing resources for everything. No matter where he turned, there was either someone like him asking similar questions or someone who'd recently gone through it who had answers.

Hormone replacement therapy was right on track as was hair removal. Brock's legs and upper body were now already very smooth with only a few vellus hairs remaining to be removed in a final round of treatments. The face was a different story, but that too, was coming along quite nicely. So far, he hadn't had much redness the next day and no one had any questions about what looked like a very slight case of razor burn after an hour or hair removal every evening. Clearing facial hair could take up to four years in the worst-case scenario. However, Brock's technician thought he could be nearly finished in under a year and definitely within 12 months. Nearly all of it would be gone by Labor Day when the school year started so all he could do was keep going.

The biggest physical change was the increase in size in his areolas which had gone from the size of large nickels to fifty-cent pieces. They were tender and puffy and when he turned sideways, he could definitely see a little bump. Within another week, he'd had to wrap his chest for the first time. He carefully pulled an ace bandage around his chest twice making sure to keep it nice and smooth. He then wore a tee-shirt over that and a dark-colored shirt over the tee-shirt. That first day he went to Traci privately and asked for her opinion.

"Can you tell?" he asked. He even raised his arms and turned around.

"Tell what, Brock?" she asked having no idea what he meant.

"I had to wrap my chest today," he told her.

"Oh, Brock! I am so happy for you!" she told him. She gave him a hug then whispered, "Hey, you got boobs! We need to go buy you your first training bra!"

Brock thanked her but let her know he already had one and that he was thrilled to wear it at home under his shirt each evening. It was a kind of necessary first step he could enjoy as he continued to slowly build his wardrobe. He knew he would continue to lose weight and muscle mass so he only bought things he could wear now and later on. Things like a pink sweatshirt or some leggings and slippers. He had no desire to fully dress like a woman until he could look like one and that wouldn't be possible until his hair grew out at least a few more inches and his facial hair was nearly gone.

He hadn't cut his hair since just before going home to visit for Thanksgiving and that had been a slight trim. It was now close to three inches longer than he'd worn it most of his adult life. His grew a little over a half inch per month which was about average for most people. It now fell well below his ears and he hoped to be able to wear a ponytail—even a small one—before going back to school. Even if it wasn't that long, Traci had assured him his face would look great with many styles of shorter hair and that would be just fine until he...or then...she...could grow it out to maybe shoulder length or so. Then again, if short hair worked best that would be just fine.

Adams finally made the decision to finally tell his mother about his plans.

"Honey? If it's your dad, please tell me. I know he'd like to see you, but I really, really want you to come home for a visit."

"Mom?" he began. "There's something I need to tell you. Is Dad around?" When he learned his father was at work, he began slowly explaining the secret he'd carried around for at least 20 years.

When he finished talking, there was no response. "Mom? Are you okay?" he asked.

"I always wondered what was wrong," she said without thinking. She stopped then said, "I don't mean 'wrong' in any kind of bad way. I just knew something was eating you up inside and I often wondered if maybe you were, you know...gay." She paused then asked, "Are you?"

He did his best to explain what he felt and what he believed then waited for a response. "Brock? You are my son. You'll always be my child. Boy or girl, I will love you as long as I live. I don't claim to understand this, but if this is what makes you happy, then...okay. I'll do my best to accept it." There was another long pause before she said, "Your father will be a very different story, I'm afraid."

"I know, Mom. I wouldn't expect anything else. Dad is a man's man and that's been his dream for me. I'm sure he thinks I'm gay, too."

"Well, you kind of are, right, sweetheart?" she said assuming if he was attracted to men, he must be.

"Yeah, in that respect, I guess I am. It's just that right now, I can't imagine, you know, being with a guy. Or a girl for that matter."

Brock thought of himself as a woman, not a man. So to date a man as a man made him feel...wrong. He couldn't explain it nor did he feel like trying. It's just the way it was. All of his fantasies involved him being Brooke who gets swept off her feet by some wonderful, handsome man to whom she gives herself in every possible way. And until then, it just couldn't happen. "Someday..." he kept telling himself.

As Spring break arrived (and Adams didn't go home) he could wear an A cup and almost fill it. Okay, maybe it was mostly wishful thinking, but it made him so happy to buy his first real bra and be able to wear it after carefully unwrapping his oh-so-sensitive chest at the end of a long day.

The areolas were getting close to the size of a silver dollar and he could see the very first hints of some widening of the hips and perhaps in the shape of his bum. He'd been on HRT for around 120 days and any progress, however slight, was something to be celebrated and that included his hair which was now well below the bottom of his ears and growing.

Something else was happening, too. Oh, and something else wasn't happening—at least not as much. On the happening side, he found himself getting weepy during a romantic movie or crying when someone was hurt. It wasn't forced or phony. It just...happened. What wasn't happening too often was getting an erection. They were fewer and farther between and not nearly as strong. He'd still been able to fantasize about being Brooke and 'seal the deal' but doing so was becoming a marathon event. As frustrating as that was, it was also very encouraging as Brock knew things were working as advertised. Well, the hormones anyway.

It was during Spring Break that Brock discovered something else via an on-line friend who'd just completed transitioning. He'd heard of it, of course, but never thought it would be necessary. But after sending a set of photos of himself to a plastic surgeon who specialized in facial feminization surgery, it became very clear he would be a much more convincing woman with the surgery than without it. He could also get the trachea shave at the same time. It would pretty much wipe out all the money he'd set aside for sexual reassignment surgery, but...one step at a time.

He made an appointment for mid-June to give himself as much recovery time as possible before the start of the new school year and he knew this would also force him to begin living as Brooke as soon as his...her...face was healed. This was therefore, a kind of point of no return. Then again, he had no intention of ever returning to where he'd come from and once this decision was made, he felt another wave of relief wash over him.

As the school year drew to a close, Brock was in a very good, very regular routine. He ran 5-6 miles each morning, took his medication faithfully, continued wrapping his chest which was now a very nice full-A cup, getting electrolysis five days a week, and when he was alone, practicing and reinforcing every aspect of being a woman.

He'd started taping himself in order to try and see what Traci was supposed to be looking for before she pulled the plug on her support. Initially, it was very discouraging as he looked like a very small man trying to act feminine. It took many weeks of constant effort to retrain his mind and his muscles to do what he wanted them to do without having to think about it. Occasionally, it spilled over into the classroom when a bent wrist or a particular gesture drew some looks and the occasional snicker. For Adams, that was a very small price to pay for his coming freedom.

After the kids were dismissed on the final day of the year, Traci came by to see him. "So...how goes the war?" she asked sweetly. "Are you ready?"

"I'm flying to California next week for facial feminization surgery and after that, Brooke will make her grand appearance. Well, once the swelling has gone down enough so she won't look like Elephant Woman." Both of them laughed at his remark.

"How's everything else coming along? The hormones, the hair removal, the um...retraining?"

"Great, great, and pretty good," he told her. "My body is completely clear of unwanted hair except my face which is about 80% clear. I'll only need once-a-week treatment after my facial surgery so that's looking really good. I still struggle with the gesturing and talking, but I have a voice coach, and it's made a huge difference. All in all, I'm about as ready as I'll ever be."

"I'm so happy for you, Brock," Traci told him. "So, I guess the next time I see you, I'll be calling you Brooke, right?"

"I believe so," he told her. "Unless you run into me at the grocery store before that."

Again, they both laughed and Traci said she wanted to give her friend a final hug. "I guess I'm actually saying goodbye to you, right?"

"Well, you're saying goodbye to someone I've never wanted to be, but yes, this is a kind of goodbye."

They embraced and Brock couldn't stop himself from crying. "Oh, honey. It's okay!" Traci told him. "In three months, I'll be giving my new friend a first hug so let's focus on that, okay?"

Brock nodded and dried his eyes. "That's one of the things I love most about being a woman. I don't have to be tough and hard anymore. I can feel what I feel and not be ashamed. It's...very liberating."

"Okay, then. I guess I'll see you...or rather, Brooke...around Labor Day."

"I'm looking forward to that," he told her. "I'll need a friend more than ever."

"My boyfriend won't have anyone to be jealous of then so you can count on my friendship for sure. I'm just so sorry I couldn't keep helping you, but, well...between us girls? I think it's getting very serious!"

"Oh, Traci!" he said happily. "I'm so excited for you! Are you thinking 'ring and date' by any chance?"

"Ummm...maybe," she said. Then she smiled and said, "Oh, hell. That's all I think about!"

Brock wished her well before they hugged again and said goodbye for the last time.

The following week was jam-packed with things to get done before flying out on Wednesday. He'd be evaluated on Thursday and if all was well, the surgery would take place on Friday and Brooke would remain in recovery until Monday. If she was fine, she'd be able to go to her motel for three more days before one final follow-up before flying home.

That meant flying there as Brock and having everything necessary to fly back as Brooke. The math major in him made very detailed lists and timelines to ensure nothing was overlooked from clothing to makeup to accessories to medications to his continued electrolysis treatments to getting an actual feminine haircut just before leaving.

Brock had found a short style he absolutely loved, one that would look perfect for his face and that could be worn androgynously as Brock for a few days. It was all very mentally taxing and yet utterly exhilarating and Brock couldn't wait to finally see...and be...Brooke Adams. Legally, he would still be a man, but he would finally feel and look the way that had always been imprinted in his brain. With any luck, he would like look a very pretty young woman and he couldn't wait for that day to arrive!

Two days prior to his flight, Brock went in to get his hair cut and expected a lot of questions and possibly some strange looks. To his great and pleasant surprise, the girl who cut his hair only said, "That is like the cutest cut ever!" The only question she had was, "Do you want me to style it for you like the photo or just cut it?"

Brock was dying to see what it would look like fully styled so he asked her to please style it, too. When he was done, he felt like crying again. Not because it was bad, but because it was such a transformative thing. He couldn't stop staring at himself in the mirror as he tried to envision a post-surgery face with make up and maybe earrings in that hairstyle. Were he still able to get an erection, he would be fully hard as the excitement of the finished look was overwhelming. He thanked her, tipped her, then as much as it killed him, ran both hands through his beautiful new style when he stepped outside and let it fall loosely around his ears. He took heart though, knowing that it would be back in just a few more days.

After an uneventful flight to San Francisco and a sleepless night in the three-star hotel, the enormity of what he was um...facing...finally hit him as Dr. Shuster's assistant had him sign for each of the procedures he was authorizing. The most important was forehead contouring and the potential change from that procedure alone was astonishing. He was also having rhinoplasty to reduce the size of his nose as well as some chin contouring to present a more feminine appearance. All that was in addition to the tracheal shave.

The assistant laughed when he expressed concern. "Some of the girls we see have all that done plus breast augmentation, lip augmentation, and other procedures. You're just an average girl, Brooke," she assured her.

Brooke. That was the first time anyone had seriously addressed her by her chosen new name, the name she would have legally changed upon her return home. She couldn't change her gender until SRS was completed, but a name change was very easily taken care of these days and...she...couldn't wait.

Everything was a 'go' after Dr. Shuster evaluated her and she was now ready to begin her new life as Brooke the following morning. She'd be admitted at 6am and surgery would begin at exactly 8 o'clock. Some five hours later, she'd be wheeled into recovery and wake up heavily bandaged and sedated but on the road to becoming a woman.

It was around 6pm when Brooke heard a knock on the hotel room door. "Who is it?" she asked in her masculine voice.

"It's me, honey. It's Mom," he heard in reply.

He immediately flung the door open and when he saw his mother, he began to cry. She set her bags down and hugged her son as she too, began to cry.

"I didn't think you were coming," he told her. She was the only other person besides Traci who knew this was happening and when.

"I couldn't not be here for you," she told her son.

"Does Dad know?" he asked.

"No, but he was as angry as I've ever seen him when I told him I was flying here to be with you. He demanded to know what was going on and even tried to forbid me to go. I finally told him not to make me choose between him or my child because he would lose."