One Year

"Ok, what's up? You're acting strange." I ask

"What do you mean? Can't a guy just want to cuddle with his girl?" he asks innocently

"No! Not you. Not this much change. I'm not your girl. I'm your fuck buddy. There's a big difference." I say firmly

"That's not fair." He pouts "But you're right. No need to be suspicious though. I've just been thinking. I really like you. I really like being around you. I think you are an amazing person. I want to get to know you better and show you how much I like you." He finishes

I sit next to him and kick off my shoes. I lean into him as he turns on the TV and wraps his arms around my shoulder. We watch TV and soak each other in for about 2 minutes. It starts slowly with his lips on my neck, then his hand groping my breast, his other hand grabbing my thigh. I try to ignore it at first, wanting the cuddling to last longer. However, the touches and kisses start seeping into my brain and I go into a haze.

He begins taking off my clothes little my little. He's not rushed like normal. He's taking his time, piece by piece, to explore my body. I'm not going to question this newness. I like it too much. He's kissing and nibbling my belly. My hips are moving to his touch. He removes my slacks. He kisses down my thighs and rakes his finger nails as he goes. He comes back up and starts licking my clit softly. Tasting. Savoring. He pulls my hips to his mouth. "God, you are beautiful." He says into me. I smile to myself.

He stands at the end of the couch and strips down to his briefs. His cock hard and jutting out slightly. The head coming out of the top. He turns and heads to my room. "Come here, baby girl. I need to fuck you." He sings

I do as I'm told. As I walk into the bedroom he is standing there naked. He watches me with a look in eyes that I have never seen. He grabs me by my hips and pulls my mouth to his. He kisses me passionately. He pulls away and says "I think I'm falling in love with you."

"Don't say that, Stan. You don't mean it. I can't handle you not meaning it." I reply and force his head down to kiss me again. He kisses me passionately and wraps his arms around my waist. He walks me backwards until I fall onto the bed. "Don't tell me how I feel." He says as he begins to ravage my clit with his tongue. I push his head into me partly to shut him up and because I need to feel his fierceness to ignore his words.

He comes up to my face to kiss me again and enters me. He forces himself in harshly. He's angry at me. I don't care. He feels so good but I don't want to ruin what we already have. He places my legs on his shoulder and drives into me like never before. I'm pulling back. I'm climbing up to the headboard. He takes hold of my thighs and doesn't allow me to get any further away. "Fucking, whore. Quit moving. Take this cock. This is what you want. This is what you need." He grits out of his teeth.

This lasts for several minutes until my body succumbs to the pain. I lower my legs and wrap them around him. Pulling him to lower himself to me. He does as my body wants. He slows his thrusts. His mouth is next to my ear. He begins talking. "Do you know how much I need you? I look forward to seeing you every time I can make it over here. My body craves this sweet pussy. My mind craves fucking you until you scream." He whispers hoarsely

My body is responding to his words. I pull him tighter to me. "Please! Please! Don't stop." I beg

"I want all of you baby. I don't want to wait to see you. I want this pussy to be really mine. " he continues

"Will your cock be really mine?" I ask

I had never spoken during one of his whispering monologs. But at that moment I wanted every detail of what he was saying. I could feel him in my deepest darkest places. Every part of my being was warring over my words. Don't do this Tara. You know he's dangerous. He will tear your world to pieces.

He pulls away from me startled. He continues pumping into me. Both of us wanting the answer. "Do you really want that? He asks

"I don't know." I answer honestly

He grabs my hips and cums. He does not wait for me he just takes it. I feel hollow as he dresses. I'm not internally beating myself up. I'm without words. I don't know if this is over or if this conversation will just be forgotten.

He turns and looks at me just as I'm thinking he is going to leave. "You know I can't give you all of me. You know I have Susie and her boys." Then he turns and walks out.

I didn't see him for nearly a month. I could have text him but I didn't know if that was really what I needed in my life at the time. He was so convincing when we were together but when we were apart I could breathe. I could feel at peace with my life and the progress in it. However, there were those nights that I craved all the negative. All the need. All the want. He made me feel so good but so dirty. He took away the pain, the uncertainty, the stress and I needed that.

"You've been quiet?!?" my phone buzzes right as I'm getting to work.

"I've been busy." I text back

"Not to busy for me? You are never too busy for me." He responds

"I miss you." He sends

I don't respond. I start assembling the invoices, shift changes, and gas logs from the day before. There is a knock on the glass window in front of me. He's standing there staring at me. I smile with my mouth but not my eyes. I walk to the door and unlock it.

"We aren't open yet." I say firmly

"You didn't respond to my text." He says annoyed

"I'm at work. You drove all the way here because I didn't respond?" I ask just as annoyed

He walks to the door and pushes his way in. He looks hollow like he hasn't slept in days. The set of his jaw and darkness of his eyes startle me. He pushes me to the counter and takes my mouth. "Do you miss me?" he says as he pulls away.

"Sometimes." I answer honestly

"I'm coming over today." He says as he leaves

"Thanks for the notice!" I holler after him

The day goes by slowly. I feel internally exhausted but excited. I am ready to see him. I am more ready to feel him. I get off and rush home. He is not there. I wait for a few hours and text him.

"Where the fuck are you? I've been home for hours!!" send

Nothing for days. Weeks. 6 months

By this point I had moved on with my life. I was dating a police officer that was talking about marriage. I was proud of my life and where I was going with it. My cravings for that kind of attention were almost gone. Or so I thought.

I turn as the door bell rings and there he is. There stands Stan. He stops dead in his tracks and walks back out. I feel like I am going to vomit but I contain myself and move on with what I was doing. As I walk back to the restroom to clean he is there next to me. "How long have you been here?" he asks

"Several years, how about you?" I ask rudely as I stop and look him in the eyes

"I meant this store. I've been back in town a few weeks." He says looking defeated

"Nice, have a good day." I say as I walk into the women's restroom.

He props the door open with his foot and there we stand. All the hurt feelings coming back into my heart and head. Flooding my senses. "What did I do wrong? Why are you being a bitch?" he asks sincerely

He really didn't know. He had no clue why I was mad. "It doesn't matter, Stan. Just go home." I say

"No, why are you mad? It's not like I was ever anything to you." He proclaims

I laugh. "You're right. I'm not mad. You could have called before you left." I say looking for a way out of the restroom. "You didn't even text me."

A look of revelation slowly crawls over his face. "I relapsed." He said with a look of guilt "I didn't want you to see me like that. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."

I walk closer to him. He closes the distance. We hug. A real hug. I feel the anger leaving and I just feel sorry for him. We hold onto each other for several minutes when he pulls away, kisses my lips, and leaves. "OK, bye." I hear him say as the door closes.

I wish I could say this is where the story ends. Stan out is my life for good. However, it is not. I still had the same number and I guess he did too.

Two days had passed and he hadn't come back into the store. I was starting to breathe normal again every time the door bell rang.

I got off of work and drove home. My phone dings "Hey baby girl. I need to see you." Stan sends

"Who is this?" I respond feigning ignorance

"Oh no! I know you still have my number." He sends

"I'm on my way home." I text back

"Come get me. I'm not asking." He responds with directions.

I follow the instructions on how to get there. I really don't know why I'm obliging. I know this is a mistake. I do not want to sleep with him. I do not want anything to do with him. I do not want to be this version of myself. I pull into the well known town half way house. He skips out of the house and jogs to the car.

I did not notice how thin be was when he came into the store. How drawn up his face looks. His eyes sunk deeper into his sockets. Somehow all of his muscle build was there but he looked older. He grins at me and says "Man, I've missed you baby. Let's go get a burger."

I sigh and look him in his deep blue eyes. "I'm really ready to go home." I say

"Oh. Come on. We haven't hung out in forever. Just a burger and then you can drop me back off." He pleads. He looks so innocent and boyish that I can't help but say yes.

I pull out of the driveway and drive to Triple T's Burger. It's a little whole in the wall place but they have amazing burgers and homemade ice cream. The parking lot is empty. I was hoping for a packed house. We get out and walk inside. Before we get in the door he grabs my hand and holds it until we sit at a booth. He sits across from me. I sigh inwardly.

We order and begin to talk. He tells me how he relapsed, the progression of events during, and how he decided to get clean again. I continue to feel sorry for him even though it was all self inflicted. I tell him about college, my boys, and my new relationship.

"Did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?" he asks

I'm shocked as my head snaps to look at him. "No!" I reply

"I am. I've never met someone as determined as you. You work so hard to make your life better and you don't give up. Do you love this new boyfriend?" he says with a twinge at the end of the statement.

"Thank you. Yes, I think I do." I answer

"You think?" he asks

"He just seems to good for me." I answer

"No one is too good for you. You are the best. Don't ever tell yourself something like that again!" he says with heat in his voice

"I'm so confused. I can't put these words with the words you used to say to me." I question

He looks confused and the food arrives. Somehow the conversation changes. We eat and have small talk. We enjoy each other's presence. As we leave I feel lighter than when we arrived. When he grabs my hand to walk to the car I do not want to pull it away. I can feel the skip in his step and know he feels better too.

"Take me home with you. Let me spend the night." He says with a questioning tone

"You know I have a boyfriend Stan." I say

"You had me first." He says

We sit and look at each other for several minutes. I can't argue with him. He is right. He had me first.

"No sex." I say

"No sex." He says with a grin

We drive back to my apartment in silence but the air is thick with thought. He holds my hand and strokes my knuckles until that is all I can feel on my entire body. We pull up. He jumps out and runs up the stairs. As I am climbing out he leans over the balcony.

"Hurry up bitch I'm ready to get you into bed." he says with a laugh and skips to my door

I feel the air leave me. All the security that I thought we just built. I thought I was finally more to him. However, I do as he says. I head up the stairs to unlock the door. We walk in and make it to the living room. He pulls me to him roughly and consumes my mouth. My body responds but my brain remains strong. He pulls my shirt out of my slacks and puts his hands on my bare skin. His hands travel under my bra. He squeezes hard. I squeal into his mouth. I pull away.

"No sex." I whisper "I don't want this. I want you."

"Baby girl. This is us. We are amazing sex. " he says with no doubt

He kisses me again. I push away. I pull my shirt back down and adjust my bra.

"You should not of come if you didn't agree with no sex. We can hang out or I can take you home." I say with my shoulders set

"Take me home." He says with a bounce but his eyes are angry

I walk to the door. He follows me. We walk down to the car and ride to his house without saying a word. He leans over and gives me a simple kiss on the lips. He climbs out of the car and walks away.

I feel defeated but proud of myself. I feel guilty but respected. He could have pushed harder and I probably would have caved. He didn't. I didn't. I drive home feeling so many conflicting feelings. Self loathing that is countered with self affirming mental talk.

The next week or so my life is full of hectic norms. Kids. Homework. Cleaning. Work. My mind did not stay consumed with him. I moved on without guilt after my drive home.

After 2 weeks of silence I am sure that he won't contact me. Without sex we have nothing. He was right all we are is amazing sex. Not friends. Not relationship material. Just sex. I was wrong.

I pull up to my apartment late Friday after dropping my boys off with their dad. There he sat on my steps. He looks up as I close the truck door. He gets up but doesn't walk to me. His body language says he has something to say that he's not wanting to say.

"Hi, baby girl!" he calls out

I wave. I'm actually relieved to see him. Just uncertain on why he is here. He bends and picks up a bag. "I got us supper." He says with pride in his voice.

I smile. I walk to him and up the stairs. He follows me. We enter my apartment silently. He takes a right at the door and walks into my kitchen. I walk in with him and watch him rummage through my cabinets. I laugh and say "What are you looking for?"

"I've got this. Let me be. Go shower. Take off your shoes and get comfortable." He orders with a wink

The last time he was this nice to me I didn't see him for 6 months. I do as I'm told and actually enjoy a long shower. I feel a weight lifting knowing someone else is taking some of the responsibilities even if it is just take out. I towel off and put on my favorite granny night gown and panties.

I walk into the living room to see both of our plates on the coffee table with silverware and tea from my fridge. There is fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, with a roll piled onto the plate. "Well don't you look sexy." He says sarcastically

"Sexy isn't what I was going for" I say with a curtsy

I grab my plate and sit back on the couch with my legs under me. We eat and talk about stupid things. We discuss likes and dislike. We talk about our favorite things. We guffaw about each other's specific weirdnesses. "It's funny that we've known each other for nearly a year and this is the first conversation we've had outside of the bedroom." I say with a giggle

"I told you a long time ago I really like you. I want you to be mine. Now I can be yours." He replies

I stare at him open mouthed. I do not know what to say. I want him but I don't want all of him. I want to know him but can't handle what that all entails. I can't go down when he does next time. "You do not have to decide now." He says

I look him in his eyes and smile. I put my plate on the coffee table, lean forward, and kiss him. "Thank you" is all I can say to him.

I will end this story here even though there is more. I have been writing it for a week. I am completely amazed at all the details that I did remember. There was actually very little exaggeration or added parts. I did omit several things because they will be stories all their own. Stan was consistently a part of my life for 4 years. He has been in and out of my life several times since then. I said good bye to him about a year and a half ago. I can't say with any certainty that he won't walk back into it. I can say that he no longer is able to manipulate me. When I make a decision I make it for me.

I started this story thinking I was going to tell one section of our story that was actually a lot more fun than the story I actually wrote. Thank you for reading it. Please leave constructive feedback.