All Comments on 'Organism X Ch. 06'

Damm man, you are writing a cliff-hanger. I hope that someone comes along and prevents Leah from infecting Haley. It appears the parasite infected girls are evolving like with Emily's ability to read minds and control her victim by telling him what to do. I think the cops in this college town are the Keystone Cops. With 6 young male coeds all dead from one dorm and with the same cause of death, marked tissue and muscle wasting, marked dehydration, total lack of any body fluids, and marked aging. Plus there are 2 male coeds admitted to the hospital with like symptoms but not to the degree of the dead males .Does someone have to draw the police and the doctors a road map that something is going on at the college that is not natural. That one of the doctors or hospital administration has not kicked these causes of death up to the state level and maybe even to the CDC? Why are not the campus police more involved and policing the grounds and dorms more. Especially the dorm where all the deaths have taken place? It would appear that the larger red parasite does not have the degree of control over their victim that the green does. That is evident with Felica as she hates herself for what she has become and done. To the point she kills one of her own parasites. Look what Megan's green parasite did to her when it hit home that she had killed Brad and his roommate and wanted the parasite out of her. It caused her to be in and ever ending loop of organisms and sexual pleasure that it striped away her humanity. It would appear the red parasite can not do that. I can not wait to see what chapter 7 brings and the chapters that follow. It will be interesting to see what the eggs Molly found do. We now have areal problem with Professor Pierce having the hots for Hunter. How will this impact the research into the green slime and the eggs? Does Professor Pierce get careless in her taking over the research of Molly and Hunter for her own personal gain? Maybe she winds up with one of those green parasites in her uterus. I am surprised that the parents of the 6 dead young men have not brought this to media attention. Also the Alumni association will begin to bring real pressure to bear on the college to find the cause of the deaths ASAP. I am surprised that some of the students, especially the males are not leaving the school. Well Devil, I just thought I would leave you this short note to show you how much I like your story. Wardmaster 91D70

You've said ch6-7 takes place over the same time span, but what about 5?. Right now I'm under the impression that the scene from ch5 where they find lily/erin's room covered in slime takes place after the latter was corrupted in this part? Ch5 also mentions an egg in felicia's room that was about to hatch, so was that the same one shown hatching here? There was also that scene where emily and megan could here felicia infecting lily and... yeah. I suppose that's inevitable in a story with this many POVs but it's kind of a mess in this regard. I also have a hunch that the girls gaining powers signify that this all takes place after leah gains access to haley's powers, but you'll probably address that in the next part anyways. Putting all this aside though, this chapter was still a lot to take in. I wasn't expecting things to go off the rails this quickly but if it really comes down to leah's absece then it might highlight a crucial weakness for the infected, now it'll only be a matter of time before investigations begins and outside forces get involve, and the rest of the girls don't particularly seem to care.

So looking over chapter seven right now, it’s clear I need to cut a lot, rewrite more, and overall streamline this chapter. This is going to take another weeks least, which is not pleasing in the slightest.

This is obviously disappointing and I’ve been there waiting for something to drop before, so I’m going to try to make a consolation. I recently created a blog for this work and I think I’m going to post some of the extensive deleted scenes and drafts I’ve got piling up as a semi-spoilery holdover until seven is published. I’ll post the link to the blog once I have everything up.

Regarding feedback:

In regards to timing, I kind of screwed up. As I see it, chapter five takes place before six and seven. When Erin and Melissa find the eggs and Erin’s empty room, Megan and Lily are in the room next door and kind of just don’t notice. Then they come out when Evan is in the hallway (Megan does at least). Timing is kind of weird if I’m being honest. Chapter six takes place slightly before seven. It’s messy. I don’t like it, but chapter seven will kind of just reset the timeline to something clean.

In regards to the college/police response to all the deaths, we’ll see that this isn’t entirely a result of incompetence. There are other forces at play that will become important in the later chapters. Can’t go too far without spoilers there.

I uploaded a scrapped draft for chapter 7 which contains a lot of the ideas for the final chapter (hopefully released next week). It's not finished, but it's a little content that you can read (and by little I mean like 37 pages).

I also uploaded a spoiler page. There, you can ask me whatever you want about the series and get an honest, spoilery answer (questions about the broader lore or my writing interests are cool too). I figure the comments there will be easier to manage than on literotica.

https://devilbookcorruptions.blogspot.com/

I hope your cool with me finding some errors.

On page 2: "You don't spit on here you creep!"

On page 3: It was far and covered in little tendrils.

Also, I just found out that you're on chyoa! You're one of my favorite authors there!

Thanks for finding those! I really need to review my work more before publishing, haha. I need to look at submission guidelines, but if I can edit without it going down, I’ll implement those changes.

I might try and incrementally build my chapters on my blog so people who want to see the chapter early and give feedback or see things I miss, they can let me know. Not sure if it’s a good idea or not, but I might as well experiment with it for chapter 8.

Glad you like my CHYOA stuff too! :)

Chapter 7 is finished! It is currently on my blog and will be on literotica in the next few days. Enjoy!