All Comments on 'Origin of Fear Ch. 01'

A bit fast. It seemed that it was no time at all between when she was first "taken" and when she's out shopping for new clothes that she thinks will fit the bill. That was a bit odd since the only command she'd been given was to dress more fun and I'm sure she has fun clothes already in the closet.

The very first day she dresses 'fun', is how long from when she was first captured? Where was the discomfort? The fear she was supposed to be feeling? Where'd this sister come from all of a sudden? Why is the older one picking up her school-age sister? When did she have time to go shopping for clothes?

Overall, it felt like we jumped from the beginning to the middle with nothing in between.

love principal power and love your take on it. can't wait for the next one!

I gotta say, you sucked me into this story. The slow build up and the creativity is very compelling. I can not wait for further episodes. Very enjoyable.

I can’t wait to see more!

Eventually you will need a protagonist who will figure out a way to defeat or naturally is not affected by the mysterious coin who will defeat Berringer, possibly turning him into a bimbo version of himself and put things right only in a sexier way. However that should be several chapters away as you need to set the environment and introduce all of your characters, before you introduce your protagonist who sets things correct and ultimately puts Berringer in his place over a several chapter story arc.

Also on a side note. I would love to see both Trance, Inc and Son of Sleep continued as stories with new chapters as I think there is some story telling left in them, or at least a spin-off series from Trance, Inc.

Re: Good premise

So glad you enjoyed TRANCE and Son of Sleep enough to want sequels!

Re: I'm intrigued

I'm so glad!

@TwistedDaveAuthor

That is so wonderful to hear. Thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful words.

@Ferrumitzal

I'm sorry you felt it was too rushed. That's something that I think happens in the original as well, but the distance the story needs to travel means that spending time on those little scenes with Cathy would have really bogged down the overall flow.

Also! If you enjoyed the beginning of this story (which develops into a 30,000-word novella that is kind of really not at all like the original inspo), you can read the rest for free right now: jcbeleren.com/free

Loved the premise of that original story. Did always think it either skipped or overlooked a lot of the humiliating scenes. The ending was interesting though didnt like the lack of follow up. Yours already takes a better description and paints better imagery. Though it does seem to skip a few tantalizing parts - like her internal battle.

Any story where the target doesnt immediately fall under complete control, where repeat exposure adds further influence, like your version implies, should result in an internal battle before subjugation. So the original annoyance at meeting with him would shift to unease. His initial requests, while still disrespectful, would still be "safe". Just telling her she should be thought of less as authority figure and that students should feel comfortable with a teacher. Maybe a casual innuendo makes her associate sexual service with what he wants, with what would make him happy, with what would ease the fear. He tells her to report to his office regularly (weekly? Allows more time to dwell; daily? Progresses story faster but less dwelling side story) and the associating of sexual service with avoiding the dread grows. More comments,more innuendo, he comes stands in front of her leaning on desk, etc. She starts having thoughts about him outside of those meetings. She fumbles with students. She has to fight to have the will to maintain authority when she gets backtalk. An image of what he wants forms in her mind and she refuses to submit, tells herself she wont be disrespected by the man, but then when in that office again her resolve falters and she struggles with even the most basic of self-respect. Starting with being less assertive and proud in responding to the principal, she finds herself less certain, less confident in swatting his annoying innuendos and rebuffing his condescending comments, until she's struggling to answer when he asks her basic questions for fear of upsetting him. Frankly, I would have loved a "So what do you suggest? If you don't know how to handle the students in your classroom without being a, well, forgive me but, a complete bitch, do you need ME to tell you step by step what to do?!" Followed by a mousey, embarrassed "W..Would you .... sir?"

Also wish her relief from obeying didnt appear to so totally eliminate her sense of shame and humiliation from submitting to this gross, arrogant man she so loathes.

But overall loving this rendition and looking forward to reading the rest of your version.

I recall the original and this is a great improvement. I don't think I can expand on the previous comments. But so far a wonderful tale. Looking forward to Cindy's involvement!

That was great. But you're taking too long to write chapter 2 !!!

Hello. I hope you are okay. You haven't had any updates for a long time, please don't sell it, I'm still waiting for the second volume of Trance.

A bit late to the party, but I don't suppose anyone managed to get a copy of the rest of this story before it disappeared?

The release of surrender.

Fear is indeed a potent motivator, we're taught that from childhood. I personally never felt comfortable using it but can understand the reasoning. I'm looking forward to the continuation of this story. Thank you for sharing your vision and talents.

exhilarating build up!

Very strong writing. Great idea. My only reservation is the lack of tension, misgivings, etc. Part of the intensity and excitement is getting over the hump. Once the women become complete playthings, I have 2 different misgivings: what happened to their actual personalities and doesn’t it get boring to have what is basically a flesh light attached to a body? These are all excellent stories. Y an obviously strong writer, but—to my mind—for them to be great, they need more self reflection, humility, and humor.

I read a remake of this story which is called 'Malignity of Stone' by Alecta Shadow. This one goes a little different but is still amazing. I hope you continue on this piece.