Own Me in the Moonlight

"And you decided you'd never get involved with a submissive again," Rey finished.

He rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, I had my hard limits all set up. I didn't want to get close to you." He shook his head. "No, that's not true. I did. But I lost my shit and ended up hurting you."

"I hurt you, too."

He shrugged, refusing to meet her eyes. "I deserved it." He rose. "I'm heading out for a while. I need some time to make some decisions."

"Sure, I understand." Rey felt like she was about to crack into a million pieces.

Ben nodded at her. "Thanks, Rey. You're..." He couldn't seem to find the words. "Being with you was everything I ever wanted. I'll see you." And he left without a backward glance.

***

Rey's heart broke. Simple as that. She hadn't really understood what it was like to have such breathtaking pain.

With his usual excellent timing, Finn walked up behind her. "Rey?"

"Yeah," Rey murmured, still watching the door, still reeling.

"You okay?"

"No," she answered tonelessly. "Did he quit?"

"He's taking a break. I'm guessing he'll be back." Finn wrapped an arm around her. "Let's go to the Little Room."

"Do you know Ben's story?"

Finn pulled her in for a walking hug and kiss on her temple. "Can't tell you that. NDA."

Rey leaned into him.

He continued, "I can tell you that some submissives, actually some people, have deep-seated psychological problems. It's not like we come into this Lifestyle cleansed of our issues. Sometimes, the Lifestyle magnifies problems. Submissives who have no clear boundaries or perceive violence as love can get caught up in some nasty shit."

He stopped in front of the Little Room and took Rey's hands in his.

"I also want you to know that Ben Solo is a genuinely good person, a decent man. He's a tough Dom on the outside, but a big old babygirl on the inside. Like any of us, he just wants to love and be loved. He makes mistakes, sure, but who among us doesn't?"

Rey nodded. "I'm so sad, Finny. It all went to hell in an instant."

He had no words for her, just a huge hug.

***

The thing about the Lifestyle, Rey knew, was that the community prided itself on honesty, openness, and a willingness to talk through issues. This was not easy for Rey, who tended to bottle everything up and try to cope alone, as she had always done. At a certain point, if she planned to stick around Club Moonlight, somebody, like that bossy-ass sub Finn, was going to make her pull the bandaid off the wound. Her only consolation was that Finn was likely bugging Ben to do the same.

The following Saturday, Rey gritted her teeth and made herself return to the Little Room. It was the only place she could deal with at the club. She needed some kind of comfort. Finn caught her in the hallway and said that she and her erstwhile Dom needed to clear the air. Sometime in the future. She rolled her eyes.

"Tell that to him," she said.

"Oh, I have," he answered with a toothy smile.

Rey slipped into the room under Rosie and Hux's watchful eye. Head down, she took her place at the art table and began to draw, dropping into a Little space inside her head. She felt protected there, though she liked being in subspace much more. That thought made her curl up tighter.

Gwen came over with two juice boxes and a few cookies. "May I sit here, Little Kira?"

Rey nodded. She opened the juice box and munched a cookie.

"It's hard losing someone," Gwen said in a conversational tone. "I remember when one of my Littles asked me to uncollar her. It broke my heart. You know, we've all been there."

"I don't wear his collar, Mistress."

Gwen placed her hand on Rey's arm. "Yeah, but you wore his mark. You were in a relationship, no matter how short-term. Seemed like you two hit it off." She squeezed lightly. "I don't know what happened and I don't need to know, but you need to find some closure, Little one, or it will eat you alive."

"I just thought it would be different."

They sat in silence.

Rey took a deep breath. Maybe it would be good to talk about it. "He called my professionalism into question in real life, then he dumped me."

Gwen's brows shot up. "You worked with him?"

"Yes, and I wish I hadn't. It wasn't on purpose." She huffed out a laugh. "I see why the NDAs are in place and why people don't meet on the outside."

"There are safety issues, but that wasn't the problem for you, was it?"

"We ended up mixing the Dom/sub dynamic..." She stopped. "He mixed it. I didn't. I think he was trying to scare me off."

Gwen sipped the juice box. "He's a better Dom than that, usually. I've known Master Kylo for a while, since he arrived at Moonlight. He doesn't strike me as someone who calls people out on purpose. Something must have happened."

"I fucked up."

Gwen swatted Rey's hand lightly. "Language, Little one."

Rey shook her head. "What is it with you Bigs and swearing in this room?"

"Littles need to watch their language, Missy. Also, you must address me as Mommy or Mistress."

"Yes, Mistress." Rey didn't feel like getting into trouble. She wasn't sure if Gwen would spank her, but she wasn't in the mood for any D/s or Mommy play.

"Maybe, just maybe," Gwen said, "You should speak to Master Kylo. Even if you don't return to being his sub, it's good to have closure."

She didn't want to reveal any of Ben's past to Gwen or the real reason they had broken up. Finn's horrified expression swam into her mind. NDA.

Rey rose. "Thank you for the advice, Mistress."

Rosie bounced up. "What advice? You're going to talk to Daddy Kylo, then? He feels so sh-bad."

Gwen rolled her eyes. "You're both asking for it."

"Sorry, Mistress." Rosie bounced on her toes. "He, Hux, Finn, and Poe had a big meeting. They've been working out some stuff. They wouldn't let me in, but I listened through the door." She rubbed her ass. "Got in trouble, but it was worth it."

"Do not tell Kira what went on in the private meeting, Rosie. Or I will paddle you and tell Hux." Gwen looked so stern that Rosie took a step back.

"Okay, all right, Mistress." Rosie winked at Rey and mouthed "later." "I need to pee." She walked away.

Soon after, Rey left the Little Room and wandered into the main atrium. She was too inside her head to continue being a Little. Maybe she should get over herself and talk to Ben. They'd both apologized, but the incident lay heavy on Rey's shoulders. It felt like a tangled knot, a bad shibari binding that tore her up.

Without warning, Rosie slid up behind her and hugged her. "Hey, Kira, darling."

Rey turned in Rosie's arms to return the hug. She saw Rosie lift her hand and wave.

"Keep hugging me," she murmured.

"What's going on?"

"Snap's watching us and I wouldn't put it past him to call Hux and tell him I'm AWOL from the Little Room."

"Good, he turned away to serve somebody," Rosie murmured. She took Rey's arm and pulled her out into the garden under the pergola. "Listen, I don't have much time. Let me tell you what happened. Kylo was talking about resigning from the club. He's totally messed up. Poe talked him down, for the moment, anyway." She looked through the glass doors. "He said he's in love with you. He fucking cried, girl. It was the saddest goddamn thing I'd ever heard."

Rey stared at Rosie, heart breaking.

"Look, I know he broke trust with you somehow, did something shitty. I don't care about the deets. He told the Dommie Doms that he struggled with his temper sometimes. Sometimes, he would say stupid shit out of anger and then regret it later."

Rey had no idea what to say. "I..."

"Shut up. I have to go back. He told the Doms-well, and Finn-that he self-sabotages when he gets too close to someone. Which is what he did this time. It's a big case of Dom-drop."

"Okay," Rey murmured. She could see that. Ben's reaction to the situation had been out of proportion to the mistake. When she'd gotten too close to him, he'd dropped a bomb on her. He did the one thing that would make her irreparably angry. He embarrassed her and questioned her professionalism. Then, he overstepped her boundaries and went Dom on her in front of her class. All out of fear and anger at himself.

Of course, her students were deeply curious and tried to ask questions about what happened the following week. Rumors flew. She didn't enjoy having to explain that it was none of their business, since they hadn't worked on the Frog and Toad show. Top to bottom, she felt attacked, disrespected, and utterly humiliated.

Add to that her own behavior in the hallway. While he'd attacked her verbally, she'd punched him. It was hard to come back from that.

"I have to go," Rosie said. "Just think about it, Rey. Talk to him."

Rey looked Rosie in the eye, realizing that the woman had called her by her real life name. It must be serious. "Thank you, Rose." She returned the favor with a small smile.

Rose hugged her tightly. "I love you, Rey. I want you to be happy, and I don't think Little space is your thing, to be honest."

Rey's laugh hitched on a sob. "Yeah, probably not."

Chapter 10

It wasn't like her to run. At least, not normally. Rey tended to fight, confront, kick, and scream. Hiding wasn't her style. She'd rather have it out. Yet, here she was, sitting in her car outside Club Moonlight, wanting to turn around and go home.

Fuck it. She would go and watch. Or bully Cassian into a scene. No, she was no longer going to top from the bottom-and Cassian was a sweet, soft Dom. Not only did she refuse to use him, but it wouldn't satisfy her. She knew she needed more than what he could give.

She needed that fucking Kylo paddle, like she needed air.

The day had been wet and dreary, just like her mood. The rain came in waves, dropping a few buckets on Hanna City, then retreating to a steady drizzle. It was raining steadily as Rey ran from her car to the Club's entrance. She knew better than to wear fetish heels on such a day, though she might get fined for inappropriate footwear. Fuck it, half the time, she left her shoes in a locker anyway.

Closing her umbrella, Rey walked into the entryway, showed her ID to Ezra, and signed in.

Ezra hummed to himself. "Nice night to cuddle up with a few whips and chains. Which bracelet, Kira? I'm not sure of your status."

"No play, not available." She didn't want to be bothered by any new or visiting Doms floating around.

He handed over the appropriate colors. She gave him the umbrella for safe keeping.

Before entering the club, Rey smoothed the red velvet mini-dress over her hips. It was a festive choice for a dark and stormy night. Inside the atrium, the night was in full swing. Clusters of subs congregated at the tables, eyeing prospective Doms, most of whom were at the bar, sipping specialty drinks. Rey didn't know if there was a theme that evening, other than her own broken heart. She could hear the dance music coming from the closed doors down the hallway, but she didn't feel much like dancing. Behind the bar, the floor-to-ceiling glass revealed twinkling lights twined around the garden pergola, with its protective awning rolled down to keep the patio dry. No one braved the weather, though, with so much activity indoors.

Rey waved to people she knew and walked toward the back of the club. A movement to her left caught her eye. Someone stood by the sliding door that led to the garden. He was alone, gazing out the window, wearing black leather pants, a black belted tunic, arm bands that ran from wrist to shoulder. Black gloves.

Kylo.

Rey sucked in a breath. He'd never worn leathers before.

He turned his head to gaze at her, pinning her in place. Everything, all of it, the whole nasty mess inside her burst forth.

She loved him. Period.

With a small cry, Rey closed the distance between them and fell to her knees on the wood floor directly in front of him.

"Master," she said, shivering all over. "I'm your submissive. I am yours. I need you to scene with me, please. Let me fly." She bowed her head and rested her hands, palms up, on her open thighs.

A gloved hand touched her face. They slipped over her cooly, bringing the scent of leather to her nostrils.

He knelt beside her. "No," he said. "I'm not worthy to be your Dom."

Rey looked at him in shock. Kylo met her gaze steadily. "Yes," she said. "You are." She reached up to touch him. He ducked away.

"I'm leaving the club."

It took her a few seconds to process what he said, but when she realized what was happening, she launched herself at him. He caught her, perhaps unwillingly, but held her all the same. All the pent-up emotion exploded as Rey sobbed on his shoulder.

Vaguely, she heard Finn talking as she clutched Kylo. She felt herself being lifted and listened as he sharply refused help.

"This is my doing, this is all me," he said. "Open the fucking door."

"Is it too wet?" Finn's voice.

"It's fine."

Kylo carried her out through the sliding doors onto the patio. The moist air clung to Rey, a few big droplets fell on her but ceased once they were fully under the awning. The all-weather couch was completely dry, when Kylo set Rey down. She wrapped herself around him and he pulled her close as he used to do.

Her tears had almost passed. "Don't leave," she murmured into his ear.

His breath hitched. He almost couldn't talk. "I failed you, as a Dom and a partner. As a lover and even as a friend."

Rey sat up and looked into Kylo's face. "I failed you, too. I-shit-I did so many things wrong."

His eyes filled with unshed tears, his lips were reddened. He swiped viciously at the moisture creeping downward. A raw sob burst forth.

Rey pulled him down into her arms and held him while he wept. She cried along with him until his storm passed. The outdoor after-rainstorm sounds filled the air with gentle drips and low splashes. The moon appeared overhead as the clouds began to drift off into the distance. The wetness of Rey's cheeks reminded her that she'd tucked a small pack of tissues into her bralette. She pulled it out and offered Ben one. She leaned against him as they both mopped their faces.

Balling the tissue up in her fist, she turned to Ben. "Please, don't leave. You're still my Dom, my lover, and my friend. I want you in my life. I'm sorry for dropping the ball at work."

"Yeah, maybe, your interns made the mistakes."

"My interns," Rey said. "Mine. I wasn't checking carefully enough."

He didn't answer for a few moments. "I wasn't either. I was mostly mad at myself. And like a shitty person, I took it out on you."

She snorted a laugh. "You took it out on me? I literally assaulted you. My temper gets the best of me sometimes."

He shrugged. "I provoked you."

"Doesn't matter," Rey said. "I'm fully capable of hurting people, of breaking someone's trust."

"That's what I regret the most." It was a soft statement. "I broke your trust in me, and it wasn't all about the costumes. I should have told you my history."

"Maybe you should have. I also broke your trust in me." Rey looked at Ben. His lips were flushed as if he'd been biting them, but his gaze was steady. She continued, "It was about my fear of having a Lifestyle relationship and being freaked out that someone would find out. I realized that I liked more pain and domination than I originally thought. I realized that I... was catching feelings when you didn't want that."

He sighed. "Yeah, but I did want it. I just handled the situation poorly. You know, I acted like a new Dom, for shit's sake. I've been doing this for a couple of years and had training and everything. But then I meet you and totally lose my fucking shit, like some kind of baby Dom. I freaked out because of..." He waved a hand. "The other situation. I wasn't even aware of it at the time, but somehow it seemed the same. It got all twisted up in my head after I used the paddle on you."

"Let's add in the pressures of our jobs, and we're both a fucking mess," Rey noted.

"Yep. Fucked up from top to bottom, lots of shitty decisions and blame to go around." He smiled. "Maz would call it life."

Rey sat up. "She said your mother had a temper, too."

"You could say that. Both my parents do, so I come by it honestly."

"They're in theater?"

Ben shifted. "Yeah, but not here. They're in Coruscant."

"Do they know about our Lifestyle?"

He squeezed her shoulder when she said it, acknowledging her acceptance. "Not really their business," he said. "I don't think... well, I don't want to know." He shivered and made a face. "Do you know about the Organa Theater?"

Rey had taken trips to see plays staged at the famous theater, which boasted three stages and sponsored many productions from classics to new works. The whole enterprise was headed up by the legendary Dame Leia Organa, renowned actor, director, and entrepreneur. Rey wasn't sure if Dame Organa had retired by now, but she guessed the lively, vital woman would still keep her hand in.

"I have attended a number of plays there. Why?"

Sighing slightly, Ben looked off into the distance. "I'm Benjamin Organa Solo. Leia Organa is my mother."

Rey's mouth dropped open. "No shit."

"No shit."

A lot of things clicked into place. Ben's career path, his drive toward perfection, his fear of... letting go of any detail. His crazy submissive.

"Shit." Rey gaped at him. "The sub was involved in theater, wasn't she? That's why you flipped out."

His eyebrows shot up. "How the fuck did you know?" He stared at her. "It's not common knowledge."

Rey smirked. "Lucky guess. Were you her director?"

"No, she worked for another company. We hit it off because of the theater connection, though."

"So, of course, you panicked about me," Rey murmured. "What did she do: costumes, lighting, stage management, scenery, uh, props?"

Ben put a gloved finger to Rey's lips. She sucked it and he snatched it away. "NDA, brat."

"Well, no wonder you cracked. That's a lot of pressure to deal with. So many similarities."

He seemed surprised by the comment. "Yes." He blinked. "And I'm a goddamn perfectionist, as a director and a Dom. When all the shit came down at Cashmere, I blamed myself."

"Aren't we a great pair? You're trying to be perfect and I'm trying to hide from myself."

Ben chuckled in surprise, which turned to a full-blown laugh. Rey giggled along with him. He pulled her close for a real hug for the first time since she'd knelt at his feet. With a gentle pat on her back, Ben released her.

"Atonement." He touched her cheek. The fragrance of his leather glove teased her nose.

She raised her eyebrows at his serious expression. "Meaning?"

He leaned over to the basket beside the couch and fished out a pair of scissors. "Go cut a switch."

Rey stared at him. "You're going to scene with me? Really?" She was elated.

He shook his head. "Not for you. For me."

Rey sucked in a breath. "No."

"Go." He gave her a little push. "I need you to forgive me."

"I have!" She gaped at him. "I apologized and you apologized."

"Then I need to forgive myself." He pulled his sleeve up to his elbow. "Here. Switch me." He held out his muscled forearm, elbow down, to expose the soft skin. "Please, Rey."

Reluctantly, Rey rose and took the scissors. There was a bush in one corner that members sometimes used to cut switches. She headed there and selected a branch. With a huge lump in her throat, she snipped it and brought it back.

Ben took the thin, whippy switch from her and tested it. "This will work."

"Ben," she began as he handed it back.

"Do you want me to call Hux or Poe?" He watched her. "I think you should do it, but if you can't, I'll get someone who can."

"You want my forgiveness?"

"Yes." He gazed at her. "Most of all."

She gave a crisp nod. "Then, that is what you shall have, Master."