Own Me in the Moonlight

Rey reached out to touch her angry lover. Though she was furious and hurt that he would call her out in public, she didn't mean to punch him. It'd been a while since she lost her temper like that.

He straightened up slowly, still breathing hard, his expression shuttered. "My apologies. I was out of line."

"Ben... I didn't mean to-"

He cut her off. "I'm fine." His voice could have frozen boiling water. "Please excuse me. I must cancel our meeting tonight. I have costumes to make."

Right then, at the moment, Rey could have cheerfully, gleefully even, killed him. "Meeting," indeed. They were supposed to have a late dinner again, this time at Ben's house, so he couldn't complain about the smaller bed. They were going to snuggle up on his porch swing, watch the moon and stars, and send good cosmic energy out to make sure the dress rehearsal and opening night went well. Rey was furious.

"You absolute asshole. Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid Lifestyle. Don't you dare call my professionalism into question. You were right there with me every fucking night, distracting both of us with this relationship."

Ben leaned on the wall, glaring at her, rubbing his pinkie finger.

She pointed at him. "Don't you dare fucking call me a submissive here in my costume shop. You broke the most important part of the NDA and exposed me to my students. What's the matter with you?"

His lips trembled and for a long moment he said nothing. Then: "You. You're the matter with me." He sounded disgusted.

"Get out."

"Fix the fucking costumes," he snapped.

"Fix your fucking actors." Her voice could cut glass.

He moved away from her. "Fix your interns."

"Fix your bullshit attitude. I'm a fucking professional." Rey picked up a nearby rubber door stop and lobbed it in Ben's direction.

He caught it and tossed it back, where it bounced and landed at Rey's feet. "Then act like one." He turned and stalked off. "Forget the costumes," he spat over his shoulder.

Rey bit back hot tears. She had to breathe and she had to finish teaching this class. Then, she'd chew some intern ass and make them fix their mistakes, even if no actor ever wore the costumes.

Swiping her face, she opened the door to the classroom. No one said a word, not one thing. They kept their noses in their work: ironing seams, sewing, basting, cutting. Only the side glances told Rey that they were wondering what was going on. Keeping herself together took every ounce of energy that she had. And she'd be damned if she explained any of it to a group of freshmen.

***

After the miserable class ended, Rey spent an hour tracing the mistakes back to crossed wires and flighty actors. She found out that Ben hadn't followed up with his company's wardrobe assistant or with the actors, who blew off a couple of important fittings. In their inexperience, the costume interns thought they could get by with using measurements. Unfortunately, two of the interns came to the university from another part of Chandrila which used a completely different measuring system.

Friday morning, the day of the dress rehearsal, Rey opened the costume shop at 6 am and ushered sleepy-eyed interns in. She'd texted the night before with the news that they had to re-do the costumes before 6 pm-and that meant dropping everything to spend the day at the shop. Or else they could kiss their grade and their letters of recommendation goodbye.

At 7 am, she called Ben, who didn't answer (for which Rey was both grateful and pissed), and left a terse voicemail about making sure his idiot actors showed up for fittings or she would indeed pull her interns off the project. Rey didn't care what Ben would think of that threat.

At 8 am, he sent a text saying that his actors would be there at 4. Nothing more. She snorted when she read it.

At 3 pm, Rey concluded her fourteenth lecture on the subject of being alert and double-checking everything with a statement about converting measurements to the Hanna City system. They were all gritty-eyed and exhausted by then. Rey didn't care.

At 4 pm, the sheepish actors showed up for final fittings after the costumes were reworked. Rey lectured them as well, though it wasn't really her place to do so. She couldn't help herself. They were lucky she didn't whack them with one of the many yardsticks in the shop. She giggled to herself in tired, punchy hilarity, wondering if she might have a streak of Domme in her. Instantly, the thought of Ben popped into her head, sobering her up immediately. They'd mixed business and pleasure and all sorts of shit together in a fucked-up brew of power dynamics. She really should have noped out when she realized who he was.

But she'd thought she could deal with everything. And now she had no club, no place to scene. Because she sure as hell wasn't going back to Club Moonlight anytime soon. Finn would have to understand.

***

The costumes were fixed by 6 pm, just in time for Rey to drive them over to Bower Theater where the play was to be performed. Ben's car was parked haphazardly by the front entrance, like he pulled up at the last minute and abandoned it in a rush to get inside. Rey parked in a more reasonable fashion, skirted the car, and walked to the entrance. The lobby was hushed. One lone individual pulled programs out of a box.

Rey was pointed in the direction of backstage. The rehearsal hadn't begun, but the actors were meeting with the director in the stage area. She heard Ben's deep voice giving notes and closed her eyes for a moment, regretting what had happened between them. She peeked in through an open door to see him holding a notebook and speaking to the assembled group. Though she was still so angry she couldn't see straight, she allowed herself to soak in his energy from afar. He was incredibly beautiful, in control, and brilliantly dominant. He spoke and gestured with authority, waving his hands, using his voice to convey to the actors what he wanted them to do. It was mesmerizing. Rey decided that she didn't regret scening with him or beginning a relationship; instead, she regretted her own fears about embracing the Lifestyle and allowing those fears to taint her relationship. She wanted to be his, but only if they pretended not to have anything "kinky" between them in public.

Granted, Ben was wrong to call Rey out in class, but she'd been embarrassed about their relationship, even when there was no call to be. She deeply regretted that she was uncomfortable with herself as a submissive and her interest in the Lifestyle.

"You. You're the problem," he'd said. And that rankled. Badly.

Rey sighed and shifted the garment bag to her other arm. Time to get moving. She found the costume shop at the end of the hall.

She knocked on the doorframe. A tiny woman with big coke-bottle eyeglasses rose from her seat.

"Ah! You must be Rey," she said. "Come in, come in."

"Yes, ma'am." It felt right to call this small wizened lady by the honorific. Rey laid the bag on the big table. "We made the alterations and fitted them on the actors. They're ready."

"Good, good." She smiled at Rey and her face crinkled up pleasantly. "I'm Maz."

"Nice to meet you." Rey took a deep breath. "I apologize for the mistakes."

"Bah," Maz huffed. "No need. Shit like this happens all the time." She gestured toward a seat at the table. Rey perched gingerly, not knowing what exactly Maz had in mind.

Maz eyed Rey. "Yeah, of course."

Rey raised her eyebrows. "Of course."

"He went off the deep end, didn't he? Just like his mother. I remember his mom slapped the shit out of the stage manager once." Maz giggled. "I figured we were going to have a lawsuit-or worse-on our hands. Fortunately, it worked out."

Rey blinked. "It did?"

"Yeah, he married her."

"So, Ben's mom slapped his dad?" Rey's exhaustion slipped away and she laughed along with Maz.

"Yep. Called him some really nasty names, too." Maz looked out the grubby window. "Don't worry, Ben will apologize. He really likes you."

"Well, I did fu-mess it up."

Maz hooted. "You can say 'fuck.' I'm an old time theater person, saltier than Crait. Have you seen pictures of that place? That red shit under the salt? What kind of alien-ass planet is that?"

Rey found herself smiling at Maz's nonsense and left the costume shop feeling lighter than she had all day.

Of course, as her luck would have it, when she walked down the hall, Ben Solo, big as hell, stood, staring at her. He still had his notebook tucked under his arm, but he appeared to be frozen in place.

Rey walked up to him. Better to get it over with. "Hello, Ben. I brought the completed costumes by."

He inclined his head. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

"You're welcome." Rey chewed her lip. How did she talk to this man, the one who made her happy, who gave her the sweetest of pain and the deepest of orgasms?

"I'm sorry," he blurted. "I fucked up."

Rey's bones felt too heavy for her body. "I'm sorry, too. I fucked up."

A man walked up behind Ben. "Pardon me, I need to speak to you about an issue with the sound. We're having some trouble with..."

Rey whispered a quick farewell and scooted around Ben and his stage manager.

"Rey!" Ben's voice echoed behind her.

She lifted a hand in farewell. "Good show."

And, truth be told, she ran-past the empty program boxes and the usher, past Ben's parked car, toward her own vehicle. She stood next to the door, numb.

Her phone rang. She picked it up and said nothing.

"I can't talk now. There's..." Ben spoke to someone in the background. "There's a ton of shit going on. Let's talk later, okay?"

"Okay," she said.

"Seriously," he added. "I don't have the energy right now. I can't."

"Sure," she said. "I'll wait."

His sigh of relief gave her some hope. "Good girl."

***

The Frog and Toad show opened to rave reviews and all was saved-with the exception of her relationship with Ben. In fact, he didn't call or text, even though she assumed he would reach out after proclaiming his willingness to discuss their situation. Rey hid behind her shame and hurt, refusing to call first. She didn't want to think about him at all. Instead, she focused on the latest productions coming out of the Theater Department, including the fast-approaching opening of A Midsummer Night's Dream. She'd been away from Club Moonlight for almost a month and ignored Finn's pleas to talk to him. She simply said she and Ben had a fight and she needed time.

Finally, Finn cornered her on a Friday in the costume shop, where Rey spent most of her evenings. She was determined to stay on top of everything, even if it meant checking and rechecking work multiple times. She'd rarely questioned her abilities. The whole debacle had shaken her more than she realized.

Finn waltzed in and plopped himself down on a chair at the big work table. "All right. Here I am. You got me out of my lair."

Rey began to stack patterns. "You don't have to leave your lair, Finn. I told you everything was all right. I told you I'm simply taking a break-perhaps a permanent one-from Moonlight."

"Huh," he said. "Whatever. You won't talk to me."

"I told you what happened."

"The Cliff Notes version, I'm sure."

Rey ignored that. "There's nothing to tell. I was distracted; fucked up the costumes; and Ben-Kylo-called me on it. He mentioned the Lifestyle as the main distraction-and he said it in front of my goddamn class."

Finn stroked his chin but said nothing.

"Ben broke his NDA. I should sue him." At Finn's derisive snort, Rey added, "Also, may I point out that you're breaking yours by talking to me here?"

"It's different for us. We never really had an NDA between us," Finn countered.

"How convenient. That's not what you said when we first started talking about Ben Solo."

"Details," Finn waved a hand. "Look, Ben told me he blamed you, confronted you, and, generally, acted like a monster."

Rey nodded. "I guess."

Finn gestured for her to continue.

"I acted like a monster, too. We had an altercation."

His eyes grew round. "Oh...OH. Not your type of altercation? What the fuck did you do to him?"

"I kicked him."

"Shee-it." Finn whistled.

"And hit him in the stomach."

Snorting laughter came rolling out of Finn's face. "Don't fuck with angry subs, man."

"It's not funny," Rey admonished.

"Yeah, it is. He's, like, a hundred feet tall? You, you're, what?"

"I'm five foot seven. Average."

"And you just, what? Took him on?"

Rey ignored that. "He said I was distracted by our relationship and my deepening connection to the Lifestyle and that's what made me fuck up the costumes. He was right."

Finn shot Rey an incredulous look. "He's full of shit. That man was right there with you every step. If you were distracted, so was he. That is so not what this is about."

"I understand. He was distracted. I was distracted, what the hell ever," Rey said, patiently. "However, if he doesn't see that he was distracted, it's not my job to tell him."

Finn let that sit for a moment. Rey was grateful for the silence. She continued to pick up around the shop.

"Didn't you say it was your interns who screwed up? Or the actors?" He paused to watch Rey wander. "Will you sit down? You're making me nervous."

Rey slipped one hip on a tall stool near Finn. It was all she was willing to do. If she didn't move, she might break. "Yes, there were a number of factors that contributed to the disaster."

"But you, darling, are willing to shoulder the entire blame?"

"I'm a professional."

Finn reached over to grab Rey's hand. "So you say. However, even pros get curve balls. It's how you deal with them that counts. You know, we had this one crazy Dom who had a great act and said all the right things. I let him in after vetting the shit out of him. He turned out to be a maniac who wouldn't respect safe words, and we had to fucking kick him out of the club." He shrugged. "I missed every red flag, I guess. Or else it was just one of those things. We're human. We make mistakes. I fixed it by escorting his insane ass out."

"His name wasn't Kylo, by any chance?" The statement slipped out before Rey could stop it. Tears sparked in her eyes just thinking of him.

Finn stood up. "Fuck, no. Kylo is one of the best Doms and well you know it. I ought to have Hux beat your ass for even thinking that thought."

Rey swallowed the tears. "You don't want to do it yourself?"

"God, no. But I'd watch." He touched her cheek. "You're a dumbass."

"I love you, too."

"Quit crying in your soup. You fixed the costume problem, the show went on, and it was so stinkin' cute I almost puked." Finn stroked Rey's hair. "If you don't want to scene anymore, you can still come to the Little Room. Just come alone and enjoy getting out of your head for a while. You know I'll be there tomorrow and you'll be safe."

"I'll think about it, Finny."

He kissed her cheek with a big smack. "All right. You'll be fine." He stood in the doorway. "If it's any consolation, I called up your big, scary-ass Dom and shouted at him for violating that NDA he signed. He's not supposed to be calling you out in public, and if he so much as breathes wrong, I'll kick his ass out. That's fucking bullshit."

Rey stared at him. "You didn't!"

"Yeah, I did. We're not playing that at Moonlight."

"And you're still alive?"

"And doing fine, thanks." Finn twinkled his fingers at Rey. "Ta ta."

Chapter 9

On Saturday afternoon, Rey sat at the round table in the Little Room wearing a pair of purple pajamas with fluffy white sheep on them. She had crayons in front of her and multiple papers filled with stylized flowers and birds. One portrait. But it was unfinished. She'd pushed it aside when her emotions threatened to overtake her. There was something about being in this room that drew those feelings closer to the surface. She hadn't figured out if she was an actual Little or if she wanted to be in here to get out of her headspace. Which was pretty shitty at the moment.

Because of Finn and the other friends she'd made, Club Moonlight was Rey's safe place, even if she no longer had-or wanted-a Dom. Even if she refused to play.

She missed Ben.

Swiping at her nose, she ignored the soft rustle of clothing behind her. Someone pulled out a chair and sat, but Rey wasn't in the mood for company. She turned slightly away, hoping to send the message to whoever it was that she didn't want to interact.

A deep voice murmured beside her. "Hey, can I see what you're drawing?"

Rey sucked in a breath. She wondered where she could hide Finn's body after she murdered him, since he was definitely behind this reunion. She shouldn't have come.

Tears sprang to her eyes, but she blinked them back.

"Kira? Rey?"

That voice. He'd read to her in that voice. He'd commanded her. He'd fucking yelled at her.

Rey shook her head, almost unable to speak, suddenly deep in a Little mindset. "You didn't call."

"I know," Ben said. "I'm an asshole. Would you be willing to listen to me for a few minutes?"

"Maybe."

"Rey, for God's sake, please." His low raw voice ripped at her already shredded nerves.

She turned. His hair was fluffed out wildly around his head, like he'd been raking it non-stop.

"Not here." Her Littlespace was shattered. Abandoning her pictures, she stalked out into the hallway and walked toward the Atrium. No one else was around. She plopped down at a table and offered Ben a chair. "So talk."

He planted himself in a seat, legs spread, hands loose between his legs. "The other submissive." His eyes bored into hers. "I fucking hurt her."

Rey stared at him, but made no comment.

"We got close. I scened with her outside the club." He clenched his hands into fists.

She wasn't sure she wanted to hear more of this story. "Look, you don't have to explain anything. It was just one of those things."

He didn't seem to hear her. "She didn't have an ounce of brat in her, but she wanted me to... hurt her more than I was comfortable with. I knew it would be too much, but she reassured me it was fine, she said she enjoyed it." His voice roughened. "After a few months, she asked for more and more pain, more dominance, humiliation, the works. She wasn't a masochist, and I'm no sadist." He blew out a breath. "Not even close."

Rey swallowed. "I know you're not."

"We scened at her house one night. I-I beat her. Not a spanking-a beating. She asked me to do it, to hit her again and again. She grabbed my hands and put them around her neck-." He stopped and sucked air. His voice hitched. "She begged me to kill her."

Rey felt the blood drain from her face.

Ben raised his eyes to meet Rey's. "I thought we loved each other. Suddenly, it was like I didn't know her at all."

"Oh, God," Rey whispered. She couldn't look away from Ben's tortured expression.

"It scared me badly. She wouldn't use her safeword." A long pause. "I stopped the scene, gave her as much aftercare as she allowed, then I left her screaming at me, threatening to file charges."

He turned his head to stare out at the garden.

"Of course, she broke things off, calling me a monster. She raved about me touching her, my hands hurting her, leaving unwanted bruises, marks, cuts." He lifted his hands as if they didn't belong to him. "I wore gloves during scenes back then, as Kylo Ren."

Rey closed her eyes. This wouldn't end well.

"Anyway, she reported me to Cashmere, my old club. It was a mess. I had to explain that it had been consensual. Sort of."

He ran a hand down his face, scrubbing his cheek like he could remove some unseen mark. "I was terrified. I vowed not to get too close to anyone again."

"They didn't kick you out of Cashmere?"

"No, other members, the Knights of Ren, vouched for me. Another Dom had a similar experience with her, but he'd been gone when she and I got together. Eventually, she told the truth, and soon after, she left Cashmere. So did I. I took a hiatus from the Lifestyle until Finn and Poe took me in."