Pain, Anguish - Reconciliation?

"I thought for sure that Thomas was going to kill Kyle when I saw him take that first swing at him. Thankfully Thomas was content to simply throw Kyle out the window. I was still terrified of what he might do to me, but when he left the bedroom without attacking me I figured that he wasn't going to kill me so I thought maybe there was a chance I could get him to talk to me so that I could try to set things right. I caught up with him at the front door, but he pushed me as hard as he could and I flew backwards and slid along the floor. I heard him drive away and for over an hour I just lay there on the floor crying. Finally I pulled myself up and started trying to call his cell phone. He didn't answer it and I discovered why when I went to go pick up the kids, he had thrown his phone into the yard when he left. I called my boss and apologized for not coming back to work saying that I'd had a family emergency.

"I made the decision to put on the strong face for the kids and I prepared dinner like that hoping that Thomas would come through that door, but knowing that it was quite likely that he wouldn't. When the kids asked where their daddy was I told them that he'd gotten an important new job and wouldn't be around for a few days but that he'd said to tell them that he loved them and that he'd be home as soon as he could. They still believe that to be the case." Rachel says.

"Okay, thank you Rachel. Now that you've both heard the other's side of things, what do you think?" Angela asks.

"I think she fucked up doc. She didn't say it specifically, but the fact that she had a phone message from Kyle and was willing to meet him says to me that their affair had been going on for quite some time." Thomas says angrily.

"Thomas please. I admit that I drew a similar conclusion, but we aren't going to discuss how long she'd been seeing Kyle until I think you're ready. While what she said could be interpreted as proof that they had been seeing each other for some time it does not mean that they were having an affair. They could have been good friends that happened to wind up in bed that day. We will have to wait to find out however because given your emotional and possibly violent reactions to things it would be very bad for you to find out now." Angela says.

"Would it be inappropriate of me to ask her if she has seen Kyle since that day?" Thomas asks.

"No, that I think it would be okay for you to know." Angela says.

"Have you seen him since that day?" Thomas asks.

"Yes, but it was nothing like that day. He came to see me about a week after that day. He was wearing many bandages and had a cast on his left arm. I told him that it was a very bad idea for him to be anywhere near me anymore, but he said he had to know what you'd done to me. He said he was afraid that you would seriously injure me. When I had assured him that you had not harmed me physically and that the only pain I felt was in my heart he left and I haven't seen him since." Rachel says.

"Well, I think that's enough for today, we've set the ground rules and we've all heard both sides of the events of that day. I'd like to meet with each of you individually some time before next week's session just so that anything that you felt you couldn't say in front of one another can be said to me." Angela says.

Three days later Thomas has his individual session with Angela.

"Okay Thomas, I'd like to start by asking you some questions about your relationship with Rachel." Angela says.

"Fire away Doc." Thomas says.

"When did you first meet Rachel?" Angela asks.

"Well, let's see, it was the first day of kindergarten so it was mid August and it was probably around noon since we were both in the afternoon session. I don't think I can get any more specific than that without a calendar that goes back that far or my old school records or something." Thomas says.

"So were you close right away?" Angela asks.

"No, I was a very shy kid and she was pretty shy too. Plus at that age girls were the enemy to us boys. They wore strange clothes, they played with dolls, they liked flowers and stuff, they were just too weird." Thomas says.

Angela laughs a little.

"Yes, I seem to remember that little boys were odd creatures themselves. So you met in kindergarten, when did you first become friends?" Angela asks.

"Well, we went to a pretty small school so everybody got to know everybody else pretty quickly so even though we weren't what I would consider friends we were well acquainted pretty much from the start. I'd have to say that we really became friends in fourth grade. We were paired off for a project that required us to spend several hours together during the school day as we researched the Indian tribe that we had to give a report on. Well I'm sure you can remember working on projects at school was about 50% actual work and 50% just killing time." Thomas says.

"It was quite often much more about killing time for me as I recall." Angela says.

"Well anyway we killed a lot of time talking about stuff. It turned out that we had a lot of similar interests so we had plenty to talk about. I'm sure you'll also recall that fourth grade is right about when things start to change drastically in boys and girls." Thomas says.

"Oh yes, puberty is a very turbulent time as the body changes from a child into an adult form." Angela says.

"Well working so closely with Rachel I began to notice the changes in her body. She was developing curves and had started to develop breasts. Being around her confused and excited me as my body was having strange reactions to hers." Thomas says.

"That's not surprising, I wouldn't be surprised if she was similarly confused and excited by the reactions her body was having to being near you." Angela says.

"Well anyway we gave our report and got an A+, but we still talked to one another even after we weren't working together anymore. Well the friendship that we started then grew stronger throughout middle school. Rachel started going out with guys in middle school and I had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing major. In high school Rachel was going out with this guy Neil for all 4 years. He and I hated each other which made things difficult at times because she and I still hung out quite a bit, but Neil would often show up and whisk her away." Thomas says.

"Did you and Rachel ever consider going out when you were in grade school or high school?" Angela asks.

"We talked about it a few times, but we agreed that it would be like dating a relative, we were that close." Thomas says.

"So when did the two of you become romantically involved?" Angela asks.

"I graduated from college in three years and went to work for a company here in town. Rachel was in her last year of college and as it turned out one of my first projects was across the street from where she was living. I was getting out of my truck and looking at the project site and didn't see her coming, I walked right in front of her as she was jogging and we fell in a heap to the ground. I hadn't seen her in nearly a year as I'd gone to a different college so as we tried to untangle ourselves from one another it was a big shock for both of us to see that we had literally bumped into one another. We had a brief conversation about what we'd been up to I told her about my job and she told me about her classes, then I asked her if I could buy her dinner. She gave me this little smile that drove me crazy and asked me if I was asking her out on a date. I said that it could be anything she wanted it to be from a date to a dinner with an old friend, she chose date and that was the beginning of our romantic relationship." Thomas says.

"How long were you two dating before you got married?" Angela asks.

"Six months, we knew each other so well already that we didn't have to go through that part of a relationship so after 4 months I proposed, she said yes, and two months later we were married." Thomas says.

"How would you describe the early years of your marriage?" Angela asks.

"Heavenly. I considered our life together perfect. We both had good jobs that let us live quite comfortably, after five years I started my own company which gave me much more flexibility so I could go to soccer games, school plays, doctor's appointments, whatever I needed to do. We had four kids within 7 years, two girls and two boys, those four little miracles are the greatest thing I've ever been a part of." Thomas says.

"Did Rachel ever seem unhappy or express any desire for changes in your lifestyle or relationship?" Angela asks.

"No, not that I know of. Of course people can be giving signals that are obvious to them that go completely unnoticed by everyone else so it's possible that there were signs that I just missed." Thomas says.

"Thomas before the day that you discovered her with Kyle had you ever suspected or thought that Rachel might cheat on you?" Angela asks.

"Only in my darkest nightmares. Only in that place where I'm so insecure about my own self worth and manhood that my worst fears come to light. Only in that dark place did I ever consider that she might be unfaithful. As far as I was concerned what I saw that day and what I now suspect happened several times before that day was impossible. I could not foresee any real chance that Rachel would ever cheat on me, but it has happened, she has cheated on me." Thomas says.

"I think that's enough for today Thomas, I hope that during our next group session we can make some headway so you can move towards getting the answers that you seek." Angela says.

Thomas leaves. A few hours later Rachel shows up for her appointment.

"Good afternoon." Rachel says.

"Good afternoon. Let's get right down to it. If I'm going to fully prepare Thomas to hear the answers to the questions he has, I will need to know the answers myself so how long had you been having an affair with Kyle and were there any others besides him?" Angela asks.

"Well..." Rachel says.

Over the next several weeks Angela meets with Thomas twice a week, Rachel once a week, and both of them together once a week. Thomas still doesn't want to look at Rachel and he stays out of her reach; that is until Angela changes the situation one day in a group session.

"Okay, Thomas, I want to try something, I want you to turn and face Rachel, and Rachel you turn to face directly at Thomas, you can remain out of reach if you want, but I want you to look at her." Angela says.

Rachel turns her chair immediately, and after a few seconds of pondering the situation Thomas turns his chair as well. He focuses his eyes on Rachel's feet.

"Thomas, I want you to look at Rachel." Angela says.

"I am looking at her Doc, if I look any higher than her feet right now I'm gonna have to leave." Thomas says.

"Well, I suppose looking at her feet is a start. Okay Thomas, I want you to look directly into Rachel's feet and describe to them the pain that she has caused you the way you described it to me in one of our sessions." Angela says.

"Rachel, that day, when I saw you with Kyle I died. You killed me that day. Oh my body was still alive, but my heart was shattered into a million jagged pieces and my soul flickered out like a candle that had exhausted its wick. To see the expression of great pleasure on your face, and knowing that it was another man's sexual attentions putting that look on your face after we had pledged to keep ourselves only for one another caused a great tightness in my chest. I couldn't breath, it felt as if I was buried under 5 tons of earth. You did that to me, you made the choice to have sex with Kyle at least once. I have not been told why; I have not been told how many times, I have not been told if he was the only one, my pain grows more each day as all I have are more and more questions. Did I do something to drive you into another man's arms? Was sex with me so unsatisfying that you had to get pleasure elsewhere? Was sex with him better than with me? Did you let him cum inside you? Did you ever have sex with me when you could still feel him inside you? Did you ever let me go down on you when his seed was still inside you? Where did I fail you? What did I do to deserve this? For God's sake why?" Thomas asks.

He breaks down and begins crying. Rachel's immediate reaction is to go to him and put her arms around him. Thomas thrashes out violent knocking Rachel backwards, she trips over her chair and tumbles to the ground.

"Don't you fucking touch me." Thomas yells through the tears.

"Thomas, for god's sake, calm down. Rachel, are you okay?" Angela asks.

"Physically yes, but how can I be okay when I'm the reason he's like this?" Rachel asks.

She begins to cry as well.

"Okay, let's try another direction, Rachel, you seem very determined to reconcile with Thomas. You keep saying that you miss him; tell Thomas what it is that you miss about him." Angela says.

"I miss his smile, I miss his laugh, I miss the way he would play games with the kids, I miss having him sneak up behind me and kissing the back of my neck as I'm cooking, I miss staying up all night talking about whatever's on our minds, but most of all I miss sleeping with him." Rachel says.

Thomas scoffs.

"If sleeping with me is so great why did I find you in bed with Kyle?" Thomas asks.

"I don't mean sleeping with you sexually, though I do miss making love to you. What I was talking about however is the actual act of sleep itself, the way you'd spoon up behind me and wrap your arm around me holding me so firmly against your body that my breathing and heart rate would match yours. It was as if we were in perfect harmony, like we'd become one, I've never felt safer or more at ease than I did when I was secured firmly in your arms as we slept in the spoons position." Rachel says.

"Thank you for sharing that Rachel. Now Thomas, I want you to..." Angela says.

"Doc if you want me to tell Rachel what I miss about her you might be disappointed because while I miss many things about her, the pain that I feel is making it almost impossible to miss her at all." Thomas says.

Rachel tears up at Thomas' words.

"Actually Thomas I was going to suggest that now would be a good time for you to ask Rachel one of the many questions that you want an answer to. But before you ask one of the big ones, I'm afraid that I must insist on only one specific question." Angela says.

"Which one can I ask her?" Thomas asks.

"You may ask Rachel the question that you and I discussed in detail during our last session together." Angela says.

"Okay. Rachel, have you ever had anal sex?" Thomas asks.

"Now Rachel, you should answer truthfully and completely, it doesn't do any good to hold back here." Angela says.

"Yes Thomas I have had anal sex with one person. It was with Neil when we were dating in high school. It was a very unpleasant experience for me. That is why I have turned you down when you have brought it up, and I assure you that I did not have anal sex with Kyle before you discovered us that day." Rachel says.

Several more weeks of sessions pass and Thomas reaches a point where he can look Rachel in the eye again without breaking down, but he still refuses to allow any contact. Then one day at a session Thomas surprises both Angela and Rachel, in a very good way.

Thomas shows up a few minutes late to the session but when he arrives he has a rose in his hand and he walks over to where Rachel is sitting, takes her hand, brings her to her feet, and kisses her deeply. Then he hands her the rose and takes his seat. Rachel has a dumbfounded look on her face and Angela has a look of confusion on hers.

"Happy anniversary." Thomas says.

His words snap Rachel out of her trance and she raises her free hand to her lips where she can still feel Thomas' kiss, she looks at the rose, then at Thomas.

"Thomas?" Rachel asks questioningly.

"It's our anniversary, even after what happened I'm willing to give you a break on the anniversary of one of the greatest days of my life." Thomas says.

"Well, happy anniversary then." Angela says.

"Yes, happy anniversary." Rachel says.

She's still a bit dazed by the kiss, but she sits down, lays the rose in her lap and regains her composure.

"Well, I find myself conflicted right now, given that this is your anniversary I'm not sure that we should go ahead with what I had planned for today, it might ruin the mood." Angela says.

"I think we should go ahead with what you had planned Doc, we're here to try to save the marriage that we started on this date, what better day than today to give it a hard test?" Thomas asks.

"Rachel, are you willing to proceed?" Angela asks.

"Yes, things would have to get really bad to ruin this day for me now. That kiss and this rose show me that Thomas still values our marriage, we've come too far to go off course now because it happens to be our anniversary." Rachel says.

"Very well, I hope we all don't end up regretting this, but I had decided that tonight was going to be about Thomas asking a list of questions that he and I have been working on. This is the night when the big ones come down. Are you sure that you want to proceed?" Angela asks.

Rachel takes a long slow deep breath and then exhales slowly.

"I'm ready." Rachel says.

Thomas looks at Rachel, then at Angela, then back at Rachel.

"Maybe this isn't the right day for this." Thomas says.

"Thomas, you've wanted to know the answers to these questions for months, now is your chance." Angela says.

"Yes, but this is a happy day, I don't know that I want to risk making it a bad day." Thomas says.

"Well if you aren't comfortable doing it today we won't, but I'm quite surprised that you want to delay after how eager you've been to get these answers." Angela says.

"I know, and I think I'm ready to hear the answers, but not today." Thomas says.

"Very well, we'll just do it next week. That's all I had planned for this week so we can either discuss anything that you would like to talk about or we can cut this session short." Angela says.

"I'd like to talk about our children." Rachel says.

"Okay, what about them?" Angela asks.

"They miss you Thomas, they haven't seen you since that morning; that was almost a year ago now." Rachel says.

"Yes, but you know why I haven't been back." Thomas says.

"Yes I do, but the children don't know and they don't understand why you haven't even called them. Ashley's birthday is Saturday Thomas, when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said that she wanted to see you. She didn't want some new toy or a pony or any of the other things little girls like her are supposed to ask for Thomas, she wants to see her daddy. What am I supposed to tell her?" Rachel asks.

"Tell her whatever you want; I still can't go back into that house, not yet." Thomas says.

On Saturday Rachel throws a party for Ashley. It's tradition in the family to turn the lights out when the candles on the cake are lit and blown out.

"Don't forget to make a wish when you blow out the candles." Rachel says.

The lights go out and Ashley blows out the candles, when the lights come back on Thomas is standing in the room.

"Daddy! Mommy it worked, I got my wish, he's here!" Ashley yells.

Rachel is shocked to see Thomas as Ashley runs over to him and jumps into his waiting arms.

"Hey there birthday girl, I heard that you've been missing me." Thomas says.

"Oh yes daddy, I've missed you so much, we all have. I wished for you to be here." Ashley says.

"Well it seems that you made a pretty powerful wish because here I am." Thomas says.

"Can you stay daddy?" Ashley asks.

"No, I can't stay, I'm very busy so I could only slip home for the party, but then I've got to get back." Thomas says.

"Well then we had better make the best of the time you get to spend with us shouldn't we kids?" Rachel asks.