Pain is Love

"It's not the same," he said seriously, "Kerry, it's not the same thing at all. The things you have done WITH, not to, Will are not the same as this. He loves sexual pain and needs it the same way I do. Do you think I sat around after the accident thinking, 'Cool, my legs are smashed, feels amazing'? Of course I didn't. It hurt like fuck and I was as miserable as hell. It's not the same thing at all."

I patted his hand to calm him, "You're right, I know. I'm sorry, I'm panicking."

"Fine, panic. Just don't be stupid about it," he grumbled and made me a laugh a little. His arm stayed tight around me.

"Just for the record I think you coped with what happened to you admirably," I told him, "It's been quite inspirational actually."

Alex shifted a bit, "Oh, well. Okay, thanks."

We both looked up as my name was called again, to see Anne climbing out of a taxi.

I took a shaky breath. Alex gave me a squeeze as we stood, "It's gonna be fine, and I'm right here."

I think telling Anne just how ill her son was, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

She tried a quick call to her ex-husband, who was in Maine, but no answer so she sent a text instead.

"I've already spoken to him," she confirmed, "he's probably sorting out flights."

Then we went in to find Claire and get an update.

It doesn't actually take very long to yank an appendix out, but Will was a mess. Plus his body kept freaking out and it seemed he had an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic.

They were worried about his kidney's. They were worried about his heart. Then they were cautiously optimistic.

Anne got to go in and see him briefly, but they wouldn't bend the rules for me. It was a while before I realized they had been giving her the chance to say goodbye, just in case.

I felt sick.

Alex stayed with me the whole time. Paul stayed with Will. Anne came out upset by the breathing apparatus. Claire was amazing.

It was early evening before Paul swapped with Claire and came out, happy that the danger had passed.

I knew by then that Leslie and Keira, Casey and her girls, Paul's daughters, all friends from the manor, were just a few minutes away.

The owner of a restaurant we all went to often had opened for us on his day off.

I couldn't really eat, but managed a little broth, so as not to upset Mr Wing.

Paul ate quickly, played for half an hour with his daughters and then returned to the hospital. Telling us he had to send Claire home, as she was actually meant to be on leave as of twelve hours ago, and we should wait where we were.

People called, or popped in.

Mary cried on my shoulder and blamed herself. I reassured her and sent her home.

We waited for updates, passed updates on.

Leslie sent Casey and her girls home, and Keira to his flat to prepare the spare rooms.

I sat, grateful to my friends, for any distraction, and time passed at a snail's pace.

-X

Somewhere around 1am, I somewhat zoned out of the conversation and feeling slightly dizzy and queasy just leaned on the table, pressed my fists to my eyes and took some deep breaths. I wanted today to be over. I wanted to speed up to 'everything's okay' again.

My breathing faltered slightly as I felt Anne stroke my head gently, brushing the hair from my forehead a couple of times before sliding through, down the back of my neck and resting on my shoulder.

Shockingly I had to fight back an overwhelming urge to sob. It was such a kind, motherly, yet casual gesture. I had no memory of ever being comforted so by my own mother.

Before I could pull myself together and raise a smile, Anne's hand squeezed my shoulder and I heard her mutter, "Oh!" before she pushed up from her chair.

Following her gaze my breath backed up again.

A tall, lean man strode across the room, his arms open.

His skin was tanned, his cheek bones sharp under the scruff. His hair was dark, thick, messy and a tad too long, shot through with generous silver. Eyes that looked like they usually held a laugh, were tired and concerned as he pulled Anne close and kissed her hair when she started to sob.

Will's eyes.

Alex leaned in close to me, "Holy Fuck, Will's old man looks just like him. Why did no one tell me his Dad's a babe?"

I choked out a half laugh, and half-heartedly shoved my elbow in his stomach. I had seen pictures but even their walk was the same. It was uncanny how alike they were.

Will's stepmom, or 'other-Mom' as he usually called her, hurried forward wrapping her arms around both of them, "Now, none of that. Will's going to be just fine, he's strong."

When Anne turned into Carin's arms, she was pulled right in and hugged hard. Will had told me that they were good friends, but I hadn't expected it to be so true.

Will's dad, Michael, turned and scanned the table. Dark eyes moving over Leslie, hesitating for a second on Alex and then coming to rest on me.

I swallowed nervously. Will's parents had been splitting up at exactly the time he was coming to terms with his sexuality. Then before he had officially 'come out' Will had returned to the UK, aged just fifteen with Anne and contact had become sporadic until he finished Uni.

Michael knew Will was gay, of course. But they had never had 'the talk' and Will was unsure what his dad thought about it.

Michael's eyes warmed on mine and he gave me an exhausted smile, "You must be Kerry?"

Alex poked me in the back, and I stood, holding out my hand and managing not to yelp, "It's good to meet you, Sir." Christ, I sounded like Will!

Michael grabbed my hand and pulled me in, squeezing me tight. He was taller than Will, though the same build. Taller than me. Nearer Alex's height.

"Thank you," he mumbled, "Thank you for going to check on him."

"Thank God I did," I managed, my voice catching slightly. Michael held me even closer as I felt myself start to shake.

He rubbed my back briskly then released me, having given me a moment to collect myself. Again!

"He's going to be fine," he said with a stubborn tilt of his chin I recognized from Will. "It's good to meet you at last," he added.

"You made good time, Michael," I heard Leslie behind me and moved back so that they could shake hands, "I'm Leslie Morgan, we spoke on the phone."

"Yes, Leslie. Thanks for sending the car for us. My brain is scrambled I must admit."

Leslie just nodded as I turned to include Alex, "Michael, this is Alex, Leslie's husband." They shook as well before Alex went over to say Hi to Carin.

"Well, my good Lord!" she exclaimed, her accent pure Texas as she gave Alex a smacking kiss, "are all of Will's friends this good looking?"

Alex laughed and kissed her back as Anne rolled her eyes and muttered, "Pretty much."

Mr Wing approached us and bowed to Will's family, welcoming them, and informing them that he had no doubt Will would be fine in no time.

He carried two take out containers which smelled like heaven and Alex took them from him with thanks.

"Chicken noodle," Mr Wing said, "You have some soup for strength and hydration and then you rest."

"Yes, now you are here we need to let Mr Wing have his restaurant back so he can go to bed," Leslie said, then paused as his phone rang, "It's Paul."

We all watched as Leslie listened, confirmed to Paul that we were just leaving for Leslie and Alex's apartment which was two minutes from Mr Wing's and five minutes from the hospital, then another yes and thanks before he ended the call.

"You were quite correct Mr Wing," Leslie told him, "We have been sent to our beds and told to get some rest." He looked us all in the eye as he spoke, "Paul says he is no longer concerned. Will is responding to the antibiotics far faster than would be expected and he's breathing on his own. Paul is staying with him overnight; we can't go in there anyway, so he said to go home the best thing is rest."

Alex wrapped his arms around Anne and Carin, "Paul wouldn't bullshit us. If he says he's not concerned then you can rest easy."

Michael let out a huge breath.

"Has Will woken up?" I asked.

"No," Leslie said, "but Paul didn't expect him to, not tonight."

I was frustrated, but also exhausted and Leslie repeated exactly what Paul had said, as we walked. I had the takeout, Alex and Leslie carried the luggage and Anne, Michael, and Carin supported each other on the short walk.

I knew Michael was stealing glances at me, but whether it was concern for me, or concern about what I was to his son, I was just too bloody tired to care.

By the time we reached the apartment and saw that Keira had been napping on the couch, the thought of making my way home was beyond me.

Alex dumped the bags and took the soup, shepherding Michael and Carin to the kitchen counter, "We've all eaten something, so you must as well. This is light, just a little before you crash."

I felt like the voices were coming through a waterfall from some great distance as I half swayed towards the couch. My vision was literally dimming.

Keira was speaking quietly to Leslie, "No I'll grab a cab and go home, I just wanted some news. Your spare rooms are full, and we don't want awkward questions if I sneak in with you and Alex, Oh!"

I snagged her around the waist as I passed and fell onto the roomy couch taking her down with me, "Stay with me tonight Keira. Please." I was already passing out.

Only half aware as Michael and Carin ate their soup while talking quietly with Anne and Alex in the kitchen.

Semi-conscious and limp as Leslie slipped my jacket and jumper off. Keira slipping a cushion under my head as I was lowered back down.

Keira said something to Leslie as I snuggled her close, but I couldn't make out the words. A throw was draped over us, and I went out.

-X

It was the couch dipping and the life-giving scent of coffee that woke me.

I cracked open an eye to see Alex had just plonked himself down next to me, waving the mug over my head.

I pushed myself up, grimacing at the T-Shirt and jeans that felt like they had been glued to me, shoved my hands through my hair and reached for the mug, "Gimmie."

Alex waited while I gulped the hot liquid.

He's a coffee God this man. Had I known before Leslie put a ring on his finger I might well have married him myself.

After scalding my tongue and throat lining, with Alex's nectar, I slowed down and enjoyed, waving a hand again at Alex, "Proceed."

He laughed, "Will's still sleeping but all his stats and tests are excellent, and he was moved early this morning so private room, one on one care, visitors allowed, and Paul is just about now arriving home for some much needed sleep."

"What time is it?"

"Ten am."

"Shit!"

"Michael, Carin and Anne are with Will," Alex continued, "Anne said if you can go over about midday they will swap with you, and she will show them around a little and get them settled. Michael and Carin are going to stay here for now because it's close."

"That's kind of you, thanks," I said.

"Not a problem. Keira had to leave about seven for work, but she stayed with you all night."

"Awwwwww."

"Yea, she's an angel. She was worried about you. And I went over yours this morning and grabbed you some stuff. So please do go shower and I'll make you breakfast."

"Alex," I said seriously, "thank you."

"No really," he said, deadpan, "the shower is my pleasure, you've been wearing that stuff far too long."

I laughed and finished the coffee as he headed for the kitchen. Following him and thinking.

"Done?" he asked, and grabbed the mug when I nodded, "I dumped your stuff in our room, straight through to the bathroom. What?" he added when I just looked at him.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"It's a little personal, so you don't have to answer," I admitted.

Alex didn't look wary, just curious and amused, "Ask away!"

"Leaving aside the fact you are married and all the lovely dovey stuff, living together etc. I'm asking about your slave status. The fact that you have, legally binding no, but emotionally binding yes, given your freedom, body, and life to Leslie. Knowing that he has control over your decisions and your body. How does that make you feel?"

Alex looked at me thoughtfully for a moment, then shook his head, "Kerry, it's just not possible to separate the lovey, dovey stuff. The fact that I love, and trust Leslie means everything. As does the fact he loves and respects me. If we didn't have that bond, I couldn't belong to him."

I nodded, understanding that it's a hard thing to explain, even to yourself.

"Why are you asking?" Alex queried.

I shrugged, "I suppose I see you and Leslie as more extreme than me and Will. I guess I was just looking for another viewpoint. Will's been a little restless, oh I don't know," I slumped a little, feeling frustrated, "I'm sorry, Alex. It's none of my business."

"No, it's okay," he said, "I think because of who Leslie is and some of the lifestyle changes we made you are thinking we work differently to you and Will, but the lifestyle stuff would have happened anyway, even if we just fell in love and had a totally boring sex life."

I grinned at him, one thing none of us had were boring sex lives.

Alex grinned back, "Leslie has never abused his authority. As far as I, and Keira and Casey are concerned it's a sex game. An exciting one."

"Because?"

"Because it's out of our control and we never know exactly what's coming. Pleasure, pain, use, exposure, fun...all of the above. I know I'm safe and yet the thrill of risk is exciting."

He laughed at himself, "I'm not likely to turn a corner and find a sabre tooth tiger snarling at me. Maybe it's an evolution thing, needing a certain amount of danger. Or what feels like danger. Not helpful, sorry."

"Actually, it is. You've reminded me that kinky and extreme can also be normal."

Alex sipped some orange juice, "If I may be so bold, Master Kerry, I think you are feeling a little weirded out from the events of yesterday, and the fact Will's family is here."

"Is that right?" Alex has always been a cheeky git, Master Kerry indeed!

"Uh huh. And now can I ask you a question. A personal one?"

"Of course," I agreed.

"Is it reassuring to know what Will is going to look like in twenty-five, thirty years' time? His dad is like a silver fox."

"Stop, don't be creepy," I turned away, laughing.

"But!"

"Not discussing the hotness of my boyfriend's straight father, Jesus!"

"I'm serious, he's gorgeous," Alex insisted, then laughed as I covered my ears and hurried towards the bathroom, singing loudly.

-X

The official diagnosis was a ruptured appendix causing peritonitis, and a life-threatening anaphylaxis caused by a severe allergic reaction to a medication given during anaesthesia.

That's actually the simple version. In doctor-speak it meant about as much to me as Klingon.

Will was stuck in hospital for ten days, but more importantly than anything else he recovered fully with no long-term effects other than a scar and period of healing.

Four days out of hospital we were lying in bed. Michael and Carin were flying home the next day.

They had stayed with Leslie and Alex for a week, but then moved over to our place.

Will was still sleeping half the time, so it was good that they had been close to make the most of awake time.

I had actually been into the office today, so I was lazily caressing Will's body as we lay together. It still seemed like a miracle to me that he was still here.

I ran my hand gently up and down his chest and abs, comforting myself and calming him as he worried about his dad leaving.

Probably because his defences were low, having been so ill, Will admitted that the timing of his parents' divorce and Anne moving back to the UK had always worried him.

Both of them had guessed he was gay many years before, but at fifteen Will was on the verge of coming out.

He admitted to me in a small, worried voice, that he had always wondered if the reason his dad had let him go so easily was because of that. So he didn't have to deal with his gay son.

My hand paused on his chest. I could feel his heard racing and his eyes were full of fear.

I smiled and kissed him.

"Are you laughing at me?" he asked, damp eyes now full of hurt.

"No, Will," I kissed him again, and kissed away a lonely tear, "No, I'm not laughing at you. I'm smiling because I'm so glad you told me that. You've held that inside a long time."

He nodded, and sniffed a little, looking down at my hand on his chest.

"And I'm smiling because it's complete bollocks."

Will's shocked eyes shot back to mine, "W-what?"

"Your dad didn't let you go easily Will. He let you come back to the UK with your mum because it was the best thing for you," I moved closer to him, my eyes locked on his, "and most importantly Will, make no mistake. Your dad has never let you go."

Will's mouth fell open in a silent 'oh', his eyes were wide on mine as I continued.

"Have you any idea how many favours cashed in, promises made, and sheer bullheadedness, it took for your dad and Carin to get here so fast. And to stay for two weeks. Your dad loves you. Carin loves you. You couldn't hide from those two if you tried!"

Will blinked and smiled a little, "Am I an idiot?"

"For sure," I grinned, but then more seriously, "Will, if you really want to know how you dad feels about you being gay, then just ask him. Or how he feels about gays in general, just ask him. You talk all the time."

"Maybe," he hesitated still.

"If it helps, I've had no sign or indication that he's uncomfortable with me at all. Neither did Leslie or Alex during the week Michael and Carin were with them, and that's including when Alex forgot himself and snogged Keira in front of them!"

Will mouth fell open again, "He did not?"

"He did," I laughed, "Leslie told me."

"What happened?"

"Keira was bringing her laptop over for Alex to fix, and as a thank you she got him an iced caramel latte from a place near her that's his favourite," I paused, "you know how he is about coffee."

"Crazy, mad, addicted, person."

"Yea, so in his excitement he grabbed her and kissed her, but those two are like magnets. Leslie said within a moment was very clear that it was a lovers kiss, not a friendly kiss. He said Michael and Carin were sat on the sofa with their eyes bugging out. Keria's hooked her legs around Alex's waist and he's tipped her back. Leslie thinks another few seconds and she's gonna be grinding against him."

"Oh God," Will covered his face, laughing.

"So Leslie clears his throat loudly, and says to your dad and Carin, 'So you may have noticed my husband is bi-sexual!'. At which point he said Alex and Keira flew apart like he'd thrown water over them. Carin's grinning and Michael's looking at him with deep concern. Leslie just looked your dad in the eye and said, 'Keira is a very special friend to us,'"

"What did they say, what did they do?" Will asked, half amused, half concerned.

"Leslie said you dad looked happier, and just kinda mumbled, 'Okay, okay good', sort of awkward but not upset, and Carin jumped up with a 'Well, Sweetie, I would be a special friend as well if I had two such gorgeous men in my life!' Then she grabbed Keira's hands and pulled her into the bedroom for a girly chat, giving Alex's cheek a pinch and calling him a cad while she passed."

"A cad? What's a cad?"

I laughed, "Alex, apparently."

"Was that why they moved over here?" Will asked, concerned again.

"No, that was about three days before they moved, they weren't bothered, Will. They weren't upset. I don't think your dad considers it any of his business."

"I wonder how much Carin got out of Keira?"

"I dread to think," I admitted, reaching for the cover as Will was getting sleepy.

Snuggling in, I suggested, "Maybe you can have this conversation when you're back in Maine this summer, if it's important to you."