Parenthood

"I mean, me, love her," I said to the woman across from me like she would not believe that I would not love my own flesh and blood. "It felt surreal in that moment. I must have watched her sleep for over two hours that night, and she never woke up. But in a night of firsts, I was amazed for the first time, that something so beautiful could come out of something so vile."

"That's good to know Tommy," Sarah said, a tear in her eye again as she tried to distract herself and took another sip of her coffee. I nodded smiling again.

We spent the next hour talking, and I was surprised to find her a good listener. Sarah thought about what she said before she said it.

It turned-out Sarah worked for another government department a few blocks over. With a little careful positioning on her part, she only made one request, a chance to talk again. I only hesitated a moment before I agreed. She told me it was as much for me to get some closure, as it was for her to feel better about the reaction she had caused.

Over the next month, we met for lunch several times. Each time, Sarah met me at the security desk and walked with me. She didn't make mention that each time I had to sit with my back to a wall and I watched every person like a hawk when they came through the door.

I learnt more about her; she worked as a junior town planner for the department of infrastructure, helping to review and define various zoning areas around the various cities in our fair state. I explained to her about my job in the IT department and we became more and more comfortable with each other.

Sarah even spent a couple of afternoons with Britney and me. After some initial awkwardness, Sarah asked if she could braid Britney's hair and from that moment on, any lingering issues my daughter had with Sarah disappeared and they were fast friends. As I watched them, I continued to notice, then commit to memory how Sarah was very different to Sheila. The way she sat and gave attention to things, the way that she continuingly touched the back of her neck when she was nervous. Sheila would have laughed at something uncomfortable; Sarah became quieter and more reserved.

A few months later we were into a routine with which I was comfortable, I was finally feeling I didn't need to worry that Sarah was going to hurt Britney or me.

One day we were sitting at the café between our workplaces having lunch, and she was telling me a story about how they had to move a bus stop three hundred meters away from a proposed shopping centre, because two frogmouth owls decided they liked to mate very loudly in the middle of the day right near where the bus stop was planned, when she suddenly stopped and looked at me strangely.

"What?" I said suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Do I have lunch on my face?"

"No, it's just that since we met, I have not seen you smile, I mean really smile outside of talking about Britney. But right now, you just did."

"That's not true, I smile all the time," I responded somewhat guardedly.

Sarah looked away, "Not with me."

I sat back in my seat, taking on board what she had said. It was true, although I was coming to see Sarah as a friend, in the back of my mind I still felt bad about the way we met.

"I'm sorry," I told her. "I still struggle I guess."

Sarah nodded and looked back at me seeing the lost expression on my face.

"Tommy, it's alright. I know your still fighting your demons. In truth its part of why I want to spend time with you."

"Because of my demons?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

She nodded again.

"My cousin did something unforgivable," she told me. "She paid the ultimate price, giving her life in penance. But that still leaves you and to some extent Britney with scars."

I snorted, "Britney is fine, it's me who's broken."

This time Sarah smiled, then shook her head.

"Sorry Tommy, but you're wrong, wrong in more ways than you can know," Sarah told me. It was the first time she had ever been forceful with me. I waited, my natural first response was to get up and walk out, to retreat. But I held myself in check, Sarah caught the movement and smiled.

"See," she said. "Right then, that moment. Tommy, you are an incredible person. After what was done to you, you could spend the rest of your life hidden away, running from every feeling and no one would blame you. But you don't, you fight it every time, and you're getting better at it each day. You make the choice to live despite what has been done to you. Many don't."

I went to respond, but she again held up her hand with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. You're broken, scarred, a shell of a man. I get it," she said. "I know that you're never going to shake your demons entirely. I've been reading a little about how to support people in your situation."

I gave her a shocked look, she continued smiling.

"I care Tommy," Sarah explained to me, a sadness crossing her features. "Perhaps its guilt about the way we met, that you thought I was my cousin for a moment. Perhaps it's that I see a fellow broken human that I want to help because there is a common person that once stood unseen between us. But Tommy, I really do care about both you and Britney."

Nothing was said for a moment.

"I kind of get that Sarah," I replied at last, looking down into my coffee cup, not wanting to meet her eyes. "And I would be lying if I didn't tell you that means a lot. But how is Britney an issue, she has never known her mother, it's been just her and me as long as she can recall?"

"Tommy, you are a great father, and I can see that Britney has been your rock. But she's getting older now. Surely, she has been noticing that other kids have two parents?"

I shrugged, "Sure, but she also knows her mother passed away."

"But she doesn't know how," Sarah explained. "She is going to develop questions in the next few years. Sure, the scars that you have on the surface show the scars you have on the inside. But Britney doesn't even know she has the legacy of scars she is inheriting from her mother. One day you are going to have to tell her something about what Sheila did. You may never be able to tell her the full story, but you can't lie to her and you're going to need to say something. Aside from me, Britney has never met anyone from her mother's family, and she doesn't know we're related. Then on my family's side, they don't even know she exists. But sooner or later you will need to talk with her about it."

"You haven't said anything?" I queried the woman opposite me about her family.

"No," Sarah said quietly, shaking her head. "I didn't feel it was my place and I even hesitate to mention it. You have enough on your plate without having to deal with... the other side of the family."

"You hesitated, is there something else?" I asked.

Sarah said nothing for a moment then nodded, I was learning to know when she was waiting and when she was wrestling with something. This was a wrestle, she desperately wanted to ask me a question or tell me something that most likely had to do with Sheila. She took a deep breath.

"Next month," she began. "There is a family gathering. I... I would like your permission to tell Sheila's parents that they have a granddaughter that is alive and well. But I know doing that will start things, conversations that would mean that you may have to deal with other people that could drag up memories you would rather not dwell on."

We both sat for another long moment. Me, lost in my thoughts and Sarah patiently waiting. I looked out the window of the café and I noticed a tree planted in one of the gardens between the sidewalk and the road. Being one of our cooler months, the tree was pretty much bare of leaves and was not much more than a collection of twigs along with one or two very sad looking brown leaves refusing to fall. But I knew as the weather warmed up, as we moved from our winter season we would see new growth on the tree. Tiny green buds would sprout as the weather warmed and soon the tree would be covered in lush foliage.

I gave one of the most expressive sigh's in the history of sighs. Choosing to do something I know was going to make me feel the furthest out of my comfort zone that I have ever been.

"What if..." I said quietly, so quietly that Sarah had to lean in slightly to hear me speak.

"What if, Britney and I were to come with you? Would we be welcome?" I asked.

Sarah's eyes went wide, I know she wanted to smile, but she held it in. "You... You think you could do that?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "But Sarah, you're right. Britney has another side of family that she should be able to get to know. I need to let that happen. If you're there with Britney and me, I might be okay."

Without thinking Sarah reached across the table, and grabbed my right hand, "Oh Tommy that would be wonderful." Then she realised what she had done and released my hand. "Sorry."

I gave her a tight smile, "It's okay Sarah, it's alright." I told her and surprised myself knowing that I meant it.

For the next few weeks, we met for lunch almost daily. She also came over to my place and spent time with Britney and me. A week out from the event, and with my permission she told her parents about the existence of Britney and myself, asking that they keep it quiet. But that her mum could tell her sister about her granddaughters' existence.

The morning of the family gathering, I was a nervous wreck. However, Sarah came around a couple of hours earlier and helped me get Britney ready.

"Daddy, are you alright?" my daughter asked me as I tried to stop my hand shaking. Her question causing me to fight away at least some of my fears in order not to upset her.

I nodded solemnly at my daughter; my jaw clenched with emotion.

"Your Dad is a little worried is all," Sarah told Britney, sitting down on a chair, and then lifting Britney up onto her lap. Britney had gotten more comfortable with Sarah over the past couple of months and I knew Sarah would be important in getting us through today.

Sarah held a hand out to me, I hesitated then looked at Britney who was looking at me, concern shown on her almost four-year-old features. I took Sarah's hand and she immediately placed it over my daughters while I squatted down to be at eye level with her.

"Britney, today we're going to meet some people. They are you're mothers' family."

"Mothers family," she whispered eyes wide.

"That's right," I said. "It's going to be hard for me. But I know it's important for you to have the opportunity to meet your mother's family. Sarah here was your mother's cousin."

"Cousin?" Britney asked.

"Like you and Braden," I told her, referring to my older brother's son.

"Braden is gross, he farts and thinks it's funny," Britney said screwing up her face.

I smiled at Britney.

"He is, but he is your cousin, he's family," I reiterated. "Sarah is your mother's cousin and today she has invited us to meet your mother's family."

"Will you be okay Daddy; I know that my mother wasn't nice to you?" Britney questioned.

I almost rocked back on my ass. I had thought that Britney had no idea, but I guess kids are always a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for.

"I'll be fine princess," I replied, forcing a smile on my face. "As long as you look after me."

She flew off Sarah's lap and wrapped her arms around my neck kissing me.

"I'll always look after you Daddy," she told me in that way that brokered no doubt.

"I know beautiful girl, I know," I said holding her tight in my arms.

We arrived a little before lunchtime, Sarah coming with us in my car. She was a great travel companion, keeping both Britney and I focused on everything else except the upcoming meeting. The trip was a little over half an hour, and while we drove, she distracted us leading us in games of eye spy.

Sarah's parents' place was an older two-story house that had been built almost twenty years ago. When we pulled up out front there were already a dozen cars lined up on both sides of the street. But there was a spot on their driveway and Sarah told me to park there, it had been reserved just for us.

I turned off the car and felt every muscle in my body tense. I could feel my pulse in my neck. My breathing quickened. Sarah put her hand on my arm.

"It's okay Tommy, just breathe and focus on my voice, you've got this," she told me.

I closed my eyes and breathed, Sarah kept talking to me softly and I slowly relaxed.

Approaching the house, I had Britney in my arms while Sarah walked a couple of paces in front of us.

Entering through the doors, Sarah yelled out, "Mum, Dad, Auntie Carrie, Uncle Don, we're here."

She led us into the kitchen where four older people were waiting. They looked almost as anxious as I was.

Sarah briefly hugged each of them while we watched, then turned and introduced us.

"Tommy, Britney, these are my parents, Gary and Wanda, and my aunt and uncle, Carrie and Don. Everyone this is Tommy and Britney."

Carrie took a tentative step forward, supported by Don. I could see the worry in her eyes, eyes that looked a lot like Sheila. She extended a hand.

"It is so wonderful to meet you, Tommy, Britney," she said.

I hesitated a moment and took her offered hand, briefly shaking it.

She looked at Britney then at me, and I nodded.

"Hello Britney," Carrie said softly.

Britney buried her head in my shoulder. "Say hello sweetie," I told her.

"Hello," she replied, looking at the group through one eye with her head still buried into my shoulder.

Carrie and Don both smiled. I noted that Sheila had Don's mouth and cheek structure, I swallowed.

"How old are you, Britney?" Carrie asked.

That got Britney to sit up and look at everyone, they all smiled. She held up three fingers.

"Free," she said.

I squeezed her, she spoke again, "Three."

"And what a big three you are," Carrie replied.

It was the right move as Britney beamed.

"Are you my mothers' parents?" she asked suddenly looking at them.

They looked to me for a moment, and I nodded, they smiled.

"Yes, little one, we are your mum's parents," Don replied, his hand on Carrie's shoulder as Carrie gasped.

Britney looked around the room, then looked at me. "Are they like Nan and Pop-pop?" she asked me, her names for my parents.

"Yes Britney," I replied, trying to keep calm. "They are."

After that we spent a few more awkward moments with introductions and Britney felt comfortable enough to hop down out of my arms.

"We have most of the family waiting outside for introductions," Gary told us. "We thought it best not to overwhelm you too quickly."

I nodded and closed my eyes, breathing deeply, I felt Britney suddenly hug my leg and a hand move into mine.

"Just breathe Tommy," Sarah encouraged me, standing right beside me, noticing I was struggling. "It's alright, Britney and I will be here with you the entire time."

I opened my eyes, surprised to find Sarah holding my hand and looks of concern on the faces of the others in the room.

"Sarah, would you... would you tell them. I don't know... it's all I can do right now just to be here." I mumbled quietly, still trying to hold my tears back, fighting the panic, the memories.

She gently shook her head and I felt her squeeze my hand. "It's alright Tommy, I've got you. How about explaining later? Right now, talking about it is going to open things I don't think you need to concentrate on at this time. How about we just breathe through getting to know everyone. Britney and I will be with you the entire way, alright?"

I nodded slowly.

As her grandparents watched, I bent down and kissed my daughter telling her that daddy was okay. Then asked, how about she take her grandparents hands and we go out and meet everyone.

She nodded and both Carrie and Don, smiled broadly as they each held one of their granddaughter's hands for the first time. As a group we walked out onto the back deck.

Arrayed outside were perhaps twenty people, I tried not to think of them as 'Sheila's family', rather more as Britney's extended family.

For the next twenty minutes, Britney and I were slowly introduced. I heard Sheila's name a dozen times and each time I drew in a sharp intake of breath.

For at least the first hour, I had never felt so weak and pathetic as I did then. I was the man that Sheila had broken, scared of talking with someone. Sarah, had to run interference lest I grab Britney and run for the hills.

I got a sense that Carrie and Don along with Gary and Wanda knew enough as they stayed with me and didn't let too many of the family talk to me for too long. I was thankful for that.

I finally sat at a table with her parents as well as Don and Carrie with an open chair waiting for Sarah.

Garry had brought me a plate of food. That at least had me smiling. Smoked pork ribs, slathered in a tangy barbeque sauce, with mac'n'cheese and a side of wongbok salad. Wongbok is a type of cabbage salad with crispy noodles and a soy based dressing. It was so good! Gary smiled and Wanda laughed as I groaned after my first bite of the delicious ribs.

"That's our boy, Craig, Sarah's younger brother over there," Wanda said pointing to a guy a year or so younger looking than Sarah, wearing an apron with flowers on it. "He's right into his Barbeque and takes any opportunity to smoke anything. "

Not a dozen bites in Sarah brought a plate and sat down beside me pointing out that Britney was sitting a dozen feet away at the kids' table. Britney looked over at me and I smiled, sauce over my lips and cheeks and she laughed. My daughter grabbed her sausage dipped it in some sauce and placed it on her cheek then smiled at me broadly, now looking like me.

We all laughed.

"She's delightful Tommy," Don said sitting back down with his own plate of food and a beer. "Thank you for offering to come today, I get that it hasn't been easy."

I nodded and swallowed. Picking up another bite of meat, followed by a fork full of wongbok salad.

Sarah looked at me and then to the others around the table.

"Tommy is doing amazingly well today," she told everyone. "I have never seen him so conflicted, yet so driven to see this through."

"Conflicted?" Wanda asked, "What do you mean?"

"I don't know how much you know about what happened with my cousin," Sarah said with some anger in her voice as she slipped her hand into mine. I didn't even flinch which surprised me, her hand felt so warm, so supporting.

Her anger surprised me as she turned toward Sheila's parents. Suddenly, she blurted out, "I'm sorry Aunt Carrie and Uncle Don, but she deserved everything that happened to her."

Sarah turned back to me catching my eye, and I gave the slightest nod of my head. She looked around and noticed that most of the family were out of earshot and they were keeping the kids away from us. This was obviously prearranged so we could talk.

The subtle fury in her voice was hard to miss as she spoke further. "Sheila drugged and cruelly restrained Tommy by tying him to her bed. Then, she took him against his will repeatedly until his wounds had been bleeding for hours and he almost died of blood loss. She drugged him with several compounds to keep him sexually stimulated while only semi-conscious. What she did was an abomination to any type of love that she ever professed."

The four elders looked appalled. I was weeping slightly, while looking down into my half-eaten plate of food. The emotions beginning to overwhelm me. My stomach was getting very queasy.

"Sarah," Carrie said not believing that her own daughter could do such a thing. "Surely it can't have been that bad. I mean yes, she went to prison, but the little girl I bore and raised wasn't capable of doing something so horrible. It just doesn't make sense."

"No, Aunt Carrie, it doesn't make sense, but it happened," Sarah looked at me, anger still burning at the edge of her eyes. Then she lifted a hand to my cheek, the most intimate gesture that anyone outside of Britney or my mother had given me in years.