Parenthood

"Tommy, I know this is hard," Sarah said, speaking softly. "But I want them to understand what I do. Can you show them, like you showed me."

The feel of her touch on my face was again warm and brought me back from the edge of the abyss I was teetering on. I nodded my head absently and undid the buttons on the cuffs of my shirt. Despite it being a hot day, I never wore short sleeves outside of the house. As I rolled up my sleeves and showed them the horrid scars on my arms all four of them gasped.

"No," Carrie whispered. "No," she said again soon burying her head in Don's shoulder. Sarah leant over and helped me roll my sleeves down and buttoned them up.

"Thank you, Tommy," she said and turned back to her family. "Every word is true, Sheila fell pregnant that night when she stole Tommy's... innocence." She obviously was not wanting to say the word 'virginity'. "He fights what was done to him every day. He gets up each day to look after Britney. He holds an important IT job at the QPS headquarters, but every day is a struggle. He agreed to come today, despite the fact I know that he would rather be anywhere but here, anywhere that reminds him of her or having this conversation."

She took another breath.

"I never said anything before, but Sheila screwed him up so bad that the day we first met, he had a meltdown thinking I was her. But despite all that, he's here, please respect that. He's..."

She paused and looked at me, something that I had never seen in her expression before as she placed her hand on my arm.

"He's special to me," she completed the sentence. Suddenly there were surprised looks from everyone, even jaws dropping. That included mine.

Sarah suddenly looked like a fish out of water, too. "No wait," she said. "What I mean is that I want to help Tommy. My cousin broke him, and over the past few months I've gotten to know him. It started out as just wanting to know why, at first, he had reacted to me as he did, but then it became a strong desire to help him and Britney. Now he's become a friend; a close friend and I want even more than ever to help."

No one said anything, then everyone but me smiled and then broke into gentle laughter over her strong proclamation.

Carrie stood, coming around the table and drew me into a standing hug. At first, I wasn't sure what to do, but then she pulled back holding me at arm's length with an expression that was both full of sorrow and joy.

Tears streaming down her cheeks, almost choking on her words, she said, "I am so sorry for what my daughter did to you Tommy, and I am sorry if my reaction before caused you to feel horrible. It's so hard to reconcile the girl I raised with the things that she did. But know this, you and Britney have a safe place here with us. We will never judge you, and if it lets us keep our granddaughter in our lives then we will never mention my daughter to Britney or yourself ever again."

It was a heartfelt plea, and sincere in its delivery. So, taking it as graciously as I could, I accepted her offer. We then sat down and talked some more for a while. They told me their story, explaining that Sheila had asked them not to attend the court case and that she would do her time by herself. They could write, but that was it. At first Carrie and Don were shocked, but due to the severity of the accused crimes, Sheila had them barred from the court room when they, against her wishes, tried to attend to support their daughter.

When she was sentenced, and shipped to prison, she refused to see them. She would write, but accepted no visitors. In the letters she explained that she needed to do her time for the crimes she had done, but as all the records were sealed, they did not know the full extent of what their daughter had done. She did let slip in one letter that she was not going to write for a while because she was about to give birth.

But a month later, they received notification that Sheila had died during childbirth. As per Sheila's wishes there was no funeral and she was cremated. Her parents, upon receiving the notification mourned for months. Until a week ago, they thought that their grandchild had died with Sheila and until an hour ago, had no idea of how badly their daughter had screwed up.

After a difficult, yet also in some ways a pleasant afternoon, we headed home. Britney chatted for a while but fell asleep quickly. Sarah didn't say much and while I know she wanted to ask lots of different questions, she just let me drive silently.

Over the next three months, Carrie and Don, came down three times to spend time with Britney. They met my parents and the two older couples spent a number of hours together talking through the tragedy that had occurred. During those chats, Sarah always walked Britney outside letting the older couples talk through their grief. My parents had lived the trauma with me; however, the details were still fairly fresh to Carrie and Don. Carrie herself, was often moved to tears when she left. I allowed her to hug me, and over time she almost became another mother to me as she fussed over me.

That became more than evident at the next family gathering three months later.

Sarah and I had become closer too, and I must admit that I wondered if there was more than friendship there. My problem was that I was conflicted, I had broken up with Sheila because I never felt that spark of connection. But when I looked at Sarah, it was evident to everyone, even myself and Sarah that there WAS something there. But she was Sheilas cousin, and I was worried about taking it further. I mean, what if I screwed it up. She had rapidly become my best friend; my confidant and she was pretty much a mother figure to Britney. I couldn't afford to lose that.

This time the gathering was at Carrie and Don's. They lived a few hours on the other side of the city and again Sarah drove over with us. I wasn't as nervous as last time, and Britney was excited to play with the kids again, telling us how she was going to play tag, watch movies and eat three bowls of ice cream.

We parked and walked up to Carrie and Don's house, a large Queenslander style home. Queenslanders are a particular style of home designed for the Australian climate. They are usually a single, spread-out level with a large veranda that stretches around the entire home. They sit on stilts as well to encourage air-flow in the summer months or in some instances lifting the home above known flood levels.

Carrie and Don had bought the home only a few years ago, looking at it as an investment as their kids were getting older and having families. Sheila was actually the third child of four kids. She had two older brothers and one younger.

I head learnt over the past few months as Carrie and Don got more comfortable talking with me, that Terry and Roger, the older two were married with a few kids between them already, and Dominic their youngest, was dating a special girl that they hoped would one day become their daughter-in-law.

With my approval, they had explained some of mine and Britney's story to their kids, believing that Sheila's siblings should know, to some extent, what their sister had done and why she ended up in jail.

In turn, I asked them to please be patient with me, I didn't want everyone to know, but Britney's aunts and uncles needed to know enough to understand Britney and I were going to be involved in their lives.

On the doorstep of Carrie and Don's, Sarah and Britney helped me through a couple of breathing exercises. I was nowhere near as nervous as that first time meeting. I had met most of the family and they were respectful and friendly. No, outside of my usual fear of being around people I would be meeting Roger and Dominic for the first time. I had briefly met Terry as well as Roger's wife last time. But Roger and Dominic couldn't make the last gathering. However, I had hopes since they knew some of the story, they would support Britney and me.

The moment we walked in the door, Britney squealed as Carrie bent down for a hug and my daughter rushed from my side to her grandmother. Sarah hugged her parents and I gave Wanda a hug as she enquired how I was doing.

I had only met Sarah's mother twice now; she had come down to go shopping with Sarah one Saturday last month and mother and daughter had dropped in to bring Britney some clothes. One of the dresses, was being worn proudly by my daughter this afternoon.

After looking back at me, Britney did a polite twirl for Wanda and Carrie, both who clapped appreciatively and commented on how grown up and beautiful she looked.

With Sarah at my side, we all walked out to the back where I almost stopped, turned around and decided to drive home. There were almost fifty adults around the backyard, not to mention what looked to be thirty kids.

I think my sudden stop and look of panic showed, as Sarah had taken two steps more before understanding I had stopped. She turned and caught my look of concern.

Walking to me and taking my hands in hers, she said, "Tommy, look at me," drawing my eyes to hers. "It's okay, I've got you," she assured me uttering the phrase she was starting to use anytime I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. "This is family, you have met some of them and no one is going to hurt you or Britney, okay?"

With that she took both my hands in hers and stood there waiting for me. Carrie and Wanda were also there. Carrie held her sister's hand, having seen two of my episodes, she knew what to expect. But this was the first time Wanda had seen it. However, her sister, held her firm.

I breathed, several deep breaths and I moved my fingers slightly over Sarah's. There are several ways to deal with anxiety or panic attacks. Different things work for different people, or situations. Some people count, other fix their gaze on the horizon, however what worked for me a lot of the time was understanding the texture of things around me. With Sarah's hands in mine, I focused on my fingertips and felt the texture of her hands.

Sarah had soft hands, they were both soft and subtle, and I could feel a small amount of moisturizer where her fingers touched mine. Her palms were pressed against mine and as I breathed, I could almost feel the pulse of her circulation in the moment.

"Thanks," I said as I calmed myself. Sarah smiled at me and never let go of my hand as we moved to sit down at a table under a big marquee that had been assembled for the afternoon.

Carrie and Wanda sat with us a few minutes, and once they could see I was settled and that Sarah was not going to leave my side, they let us know that they would be in the kitchen helping to finish food preparation, but that if I needed anything, they would be there.

Britney had gone to play with the kids, a few of her distant cousins' kids that she recalled from last time asking her to come play. She never went too far, and like always would come and check on me every few minutes.

Terry and Roger, along with their wives, Freida and Sam, came and sat with us for a while about fifteen minutes after we arrived. I almost felt like the elephant in the room with what was not said. But after a few minutes, they let me know they had spoken with their partners, and they were all sad, but wished to apologise for their sister's behaviour. They assured me that Britney and I were family, and always would be. As a sibling myself, I appreciated the vote of confidence.

As the afternoon progressed, I was feeling more relaxed. From what I could see, a lot of the family now had some understanding of what had occurred to me. I got a few looks, but outside of the immediate family no one said anything to me about Sheila, or what had happened.

I enjoyed some smoked pizza, courtesy of Sarah's brother Craig, and had just enjoyed a hug with Britney while Sarah was visiting the bathroom, when my afternoon went south.

Sarah had excused herself a few minutes earlier, having drank a little too much punch and pointed out that Carrie was not far away, and within line of sight. I was feeling comfortable enough that I smiled and nodded, no real panic on the horizon. Britney had come up to me for her usual hug and had just run off when Dominic, chose to turn up drunk and introduce himself.

Apparently, Sheila's younger brother had been out at a buck's party the night before, had gotten falling down drunk and then when he woke up, got back on the drinks until his girlfriend, Hannah, had picked him up. She had wanted to take him home and let him sleep it off, but Dominic had insisted that they attend his family afternoon barbeque.

"So ,this is the fucking little cuck that couldn't handle my sister?" Dominic said in an arrogant, not quite slurred voice as he walked up to me.

I tried to swallow, but it caught in my throat as I stared at the guy. He was younger than me by a handful of years, but was built solidly. From what Don and Carrie told me, their youngest son worked in a warehouse, doing very physical work. Even drunk he could likely wipe the floor with me.

I forced myself to swallow and tried not to gag.

"What?" I said, my voice almost a whisper as I felt my right hand begin to shake. I quickly, placed it under the table on my leg. Domnic noticed and gave me a crooked smile.

"You heard me cuck," the drunk brother said. "I asked if you were the pathetic excuse for a man that my sister fucked and ended up dying in jail for."

"Dominic!" Carrie screamed, noticing her son starting to torment me. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Domnic looked at his mother a moment, her voice carrying across the yard and drawing everyone's attention. However, Dominic didn't notice at all that he was in the spotlight.

"What? Mum, I am just introducing myself to the cu.. I mean Tomboy."

Even to his own mother, the drunk attitude carried.

Carrie's eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared slightly. She looked at me, seeing the panic in my eyes and my nervous hand.

"Dominic Johnathon," Carrie berated. "Apologise this instant."

"Or what?" he said, his eyes narrowing.

Carrie looked at her son, "You are not so big that I can't put your backside over my knee."

Dominic laughed.

"Don't kid yourself Mum," he said haughtily. "I've been too big for you to handle for years now, out of all of us, I am the fittest, the strongest and..."

He reached out suddenly and punched me in the face with a lightning jab. It caught me in the cheek and split my lip. My head snapped back pushing me backwards over my chair.

"The fastest," he finished saying to his mother, then looked at me.

"That was for my sister, she's dead because of you."

I was laying on the ground, stunned by the blow, a dribble of blood running down my cheek. I wasn't sure what to do but run and never come near this family again. But then out of nowhere a blonde streak came bolting at Domnic and started hitting him.

Britney ran straight at him and started pounding on him with her tiny fists.

"Don't. Hurt. My. Daddy," she screamed as the rest of us were stunned.

Dominic took it for about five seconds and then without any effort began to pick Britney up by the collar of her dress. As he did, my reflexes kicked in and I was up and charging the guy before he did something to truly hurt my daughter.

I screamed a primal cry, I might be a wimp, perhaps by some people's definition, a cuckold. But I was a father and despite anything. ANYTHING! Britney was the MOST important thing in the world to me.

I came in under his arms and he immediately dropped Britney to try and capture me. I had no more form than a skinny man's tackle. But Dominic was fit and drunk and had likely been in a fight or two while in an inebriated state as the elbow to my ribs before we had even finished falling to the ground attested to.

Before I knew it, I was on my back and his fists were pounding into my face.

"You think your tough fucker," he screamed at me. "I'm going to end your life right now so you can apologise to my sister."

Carrie was screaming for Dominic to stop, and I could sense the movement of others coming towards us. I just had to take a few more hits before others separated us, then I would be grabbing Britney and Sarah and we'd be out of here never to return.

He had just gotten his fifth hit in, a glancing blow that I managed to use my left forearm to deflect from my face when, the blurred form of Sarah came out of nowhere at full speed and knocked Dominic off my prone body.

A moment later, Terry and Roger pinned their younger brother to the ground while Sarah reached down with a feral look in her eyes grabbing Dominic by the balls and squeezed.

"Do I need to twist your balls off and feed them to you Dominic?" Sarah asked, twisting the offending gonads while all he did was glare back at her wincing from the discomfort.

When he didn't respond, she squeezed a little harder causing a groan of pain from Dominic. "Do I?"

Terry and Roger, said nothing, but held their brother firmly, as he yelled out a "Stop," and then said "No."

Sensing the fight had gone out of her drunk cousin and knowing that Terry and Roger as well as a handful of others had now gotten around Dominic, Sarah immediately let go of her cousin and turned to me not even attempting to pry a sobbing Britney from around my neck.

I was half sitting with my arm around my daughter, trying to comfort her. Sarah accepted a serviette with some ice in it from someone and immediately put it against my split lip.

"Are you okay Tommy?" she said searching my eyes. Britney now had one arm around Sarah, but wouldn't let go of my right hand.

I nodded.

There was movement and we looked over at Dominic. Under the guard of his brothers, Carrie had swooped in and had grabbed her son by the top of his right ear and was now dragging him towards the house. Don who was only now emerging from the house, having been in the front yard, looking at some of the families' cars, looked over at me, then at his wife dragging his son towards the house with the world's largest scowl, and his face darkened.

Over the next hour, almost everyone came and apologised for Dominic. It turned out one of the family was a doctor and she checked me out, letting me know I would have a black eye in the next few hours and a couple of bruises, but other than that I would be fine.

Both Britney and Sarah refused to leave my side, Britney would not move even when offered ice-cream. She told everyone her daddy needed her and that was that. While Britney sat in my lap, Sarah held my left hand in a way that told me she was scared if she let go, I would fade out of existence.

A little while later, Carrie and Don came back and sat down.

"We're so sorry Tommy," Don said. "I saw Dominic and Hanah come in but thought nothing of it. We should have been here."

I shook my head and smiled at the couple that had been so accommodating of my issues over the past few months.

"It's not your fault," I told them. "How were you to know that he was going to do that."

"It's no excuse," Carrie said. "He's better than that, we all miss Sheila," she said glancing at me and I gave her a tight smile. "But that is no reason to take it out on you, drunk or not. What happened was in no way your fault. I'm sorry Tommy, that's the second of my children that has badly hurt you."

It was strange in a way, when Dominic started to lift Britney off the ground, it was like the malaise around my life lifted. Now in the aftermath of being beaten, for the moment at least, much of that anxiety I had lived with for years, had suddenly faded into the background.

"It's alright Carrie," I told her. "At least this time I didn't need to spend a week in hospital," I chuckled.

It was meant as a joke. However, it went over like a lead balloon. I knew I had said something wrong the moment it left my lips. Carrie just stared at me. I knew she was feeling like a failure as a mother in that moment.