Parenthood

To the world, to my parents, I acted myself, but when I was alone I cried and howled in agony. Parts of my body that shouldn't ached, bleeding now and then by what was done to me. I was deeply hurting, and Tommy, I had no idea what to do about it.

But then fate intervened and he was tragically killed in a car accident. For some reason I was sad, but I was also free. My family knew, I was sad at the death of my schoolmate, but never knew why I was so emotional. As a response, over the rest of the year I became a bit easy, I sought the attention of boys where I could, and got a bit of a reputation.

Then one day I had a scare, my period was late, and I freaked out that I might be pregnant and that stopped me cold. No more scandalous encounters, flirting, or anything. I would go out in groups and be friendly, but that was it. Until you.

Tommy, when we met, I just about passed out. You were almost the spitting image of him. You're face, your build, how you stood, the way you laughed. But unlike him, you were never cruel. Even when you told me we weren't meant to be together you tried to do it with kindness. Thank you.

That night where I screwed up both our lives, was planned. My girlfriends knew nothing of it. But I had become obsessed with you. You were too much like him and he had hurt me too much for me to let you go easily. He hurt me, so I needed you. I needed to control you but make you mine because I was bringing him back and showing him that I was better than him.

The drugs I gave you and took myself, were only a mask for the pain I was giving to both of us. And again, I am sorry, especially because you never did a single thing wrong. This was all on me. Not you.

I will be here for a long time, but I fear that I have placed you in a prison as well. Tommy, I hope that you have gotten help. I hope that when you read this, Britney is a part of your life, that you have found someone to love, and this letter gives you closure.

I will serve my time gratefully and I will not contact you again unless you wish it.

Sincerely Sheila.

Tears were streaming down my face as I finished the letter, not for me or my circumstances, they were for Sheila. Her letter explained so many things and why she was such a tortured soul. It was like when you are working on a jigsaw puzzle and you keep looking at a few different pieces that you know fit, but you just can't get the position right until suddenly it makes sense.

Despite everything, I could never understand why she had done what she did, why Carrie, Don and her family could not figure out how she could act like she had.

Now I knew.

I knew the letter was true, there were no lies or deceit. Having read it, I was saddened that she never knew she would pass away not long after giving birth to our daughter. I could never hold love in my heart for Sheila, yet I was surprised that I no longer held hate towards her, instead I had a deep sadness that she had been abused as much, if not more than I had.

I read the letter one more time and stood, walked out of the room into the lounge to face the family.

Sitting down I took some time to explain what was in the letter, believing that Sheila would not be offended by my sharing with her family what she had written to me. I hugged Carrie firmly as she cried, understanding that her daughter had been through something that broke her. When I handed her to Don, she cried further as Sarah slid her arms around me and told me how proud she was of me.

It was about three months after Samuel was born that Sarah and I took Britney with her baby brother to Sheila's grave. While her parents didn't get her ashes, they wanted a memorial, a place to visit their daughter. Sarah laid a bouquet of flowers down and brushed some of the twigs off the gravestone.

"Would you like to place this down," I said as I handed Britney a single thornless rose. "This is your birth mothers resting place."

She looked at me, not quite understanding, but laying it down and then moving to Sarah.

"We'll give you a few minutes," my wife told me. Touching my cheek gently as she took Britney's hand and carrying Samuel in the other.

"Hey Sheila," I said, speaking to the grave in front of me. "I want to thank you for the letter. It helped a lot."

My right hand with the essential tremor I had developed shook slightly and I reached over and touched her headstone.

"You'll be happy to know that I did take Britney in after you passed. It wasn't easy, but our daughter changed my life for the better. Without her I likely would not have made it."

I sat down then and rested my shoulder against her headstone.

"And I found love," I smiled thinking about my wife. "I met Sarah and freaked out thinking it was you returning from the grave. I guess that's what you thought of me, you initially thought I was Gordon."

I glanced at her headstone again, not expecting a reply, but giving a moment none the less.

"Yeah, we all figured out who it was. For what it is worth I am sorry for what he did to you, you did not deserve it. But Sarah and I found the spark that you and I didn't have. After reading your letter there is part of me that wished we could have had it. But we both knew it wasn't there."

I paused another moment and looked up at the sky. It was a clear day and the trees amid the cemetery were casting a shade that gave a pleasant feeling sitting here talking to Sheila.

"You would be very proud of Britney, Sheila, she's about to start School and she's already reading and even writing a little. She calls Sarah Mum, and I hope that's okay. But as she grows up, we will also make sure she knows about you.

"I hope that you're at peace now, wherever you are. And I guess that leaves just one thing..."

"Sheila." I held my breath for a moment. "I forgive you."

I sat for a moment and rested my head back against her headstone and closed my eyes. It was likely my imagination, but it was like a small breeze passed by, and as it passed, it touched my cheek, giving me a feeling of warmth and contentment.

Yeah, perhaps my imagination, but I'll take it.

I promised that Sarah and I would bring Britney past a few times over the next few years and stood brushing grass off my pants.

My wife smiled at me and enfolded me into her arms, giving me a kiss as I walked back to our car with my family.

"You okay?" Sarah asked me.

"I am," I replied, looking back towards Sheila's grave and smiling. "I really am."

[:::: Fin ::::]

[:::: Authors Ending Note ::::]

This was an interesting story for me. As I wrote it, I found it parallel some of the depression and burnout that I have been dealing with worked their way into Tommy's internal dialogue. When I re-read the initial draft before editing, I picked up a few of the emotions that I repeated over and over again. In some ways they are not things that you write. I am learning as a writer that when you want to say the same thing a few times in a story, you find different ways to say it. But in this case, when you are dealing with these emotions that occur with depression, you say that same thing over and over again. So I left it that way.

I also had another two scenes in this story from Britney growing up. But the final scene in the story was the right place to leave it, so I might leave these notes for a part II or a follow on story at some point in the future.

See you in the next story,

John Other.