Perfect Replica

"Dr Heller, I want you back in the lab. Now!"

The Director of Advanced Cybernetics hung up leaving Mordecai Heller staring at his phone in confusion. He abandoned his lunch and rushed back.

There stood his android - the culmination of years of work - looking perfect. And there stood his boss, Dr Karen Spencer, looking irate.

Mordecai was nonplussed. Karen was a great boss; he respected her research and leadership and - although Mordecai was a bit ashamed of this - found her very attractive. He'd never seen her like this. "What's the matter, Karen?"

"Don't give me that. What do you call this?" she asked.

"It's the prototype. MH2."

"I know it's the bloody prototype. I'm talking about that," she said, pointing at the android's crotch.

"Um, I thought you were clear that it would be anatomically correct. It was part of the scope you set out at the beginning of the project."

The fact his android was anatomically correct was a source of some embarrassment to Mordecai. Given the confidentiality of the project and the need for a physical template, he'd used the most easily available source: himself. Which meant he was now confronted by a perfect replica of himself standing naked in the lab. It was the reason he had excused himself when Karen came down for her inspection.

"Anatomically correct?" she spat. "It looks exactly like you but with a fucking elephant's trunk hanging between its legs."

Dr Heller blushed furiously. "This is really very embarrassing, Karen."

"Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before playing your little practical joke? Jesus, what a waste. How much did it cost per inch?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what I've done wrong."

"Let me spell it out for you then. A human's penis is this long." She held her hands apart. "A donkey's penis is this long." She widened her hands. "You have given our £70 million android a donkey's penis."

"But... but... it's my penis!" Mordecai spluttered.

There was a moment of total silence. Karen crossed her arms and looked at him with a face like thunder. "Explain," she said icily.

Mordecai shrugged, unsure what more he could say. "MH2 is an exact copy of my body, including my, well, you know."

"That..." Karen pointed accusingly at the offending artificial member. "...is a copy of your penis?"

"Well, yes."

"Prove it."

Mordecai stared at her.

"Pull your pants down and prove you have a penis that would make Piper Perri think twice or I will bring a gross misconduct claim against you."

Mordecai didn't know who Piper Perri was but he did know he didn't want to show his boss his penis. Well, maybe... but not in these circumstances. "Take my trousers off or you'll fire me?" he repeated hesitantly.

"Yes!"

Mordecai undid his belt and let his trousers fall to the floor. Then he stopped and looked at Karen with pleading eyes. She pulled a face and spun her finger to indicate he should hurry up. Karen watched intently as he pulled his pants down. Her eyes grew wider and wider.

"It appears I owe you an apology, Dr Heller," she said after long pause. Her anger seemed to have evaporated. "And is MH2 totally anatomically correct?"

"Yes?"

"I mean... can he - can it - get an erection?"

"Of course," said Mordecai proudly. "He's a perfect replica. Er, can I pull my pants up now, Karen?"

The director didn't seem to hear him. "So, how do you do that then? Like this?" She made an obscene but universally recognised hand gesture.

Mordecai blushed. "Manual stimulation would work but he also responds to vocal commands."

Karen didn't hesitate. "MH2: get an erection."

The effect was instantaneous. Perhaps, Mordecai conceded, he wasn't a perfect replica; MH2 went from flacid to fully erect in less than three seconds.

"Bloody hell," whispered the Director of Advanced Cybernetics. "You could have someone's eye out with that."

She crouched down so that her face was at crotch level, her head swivelling back and forth between original and replica. Then she reached out and firmly grabbed the android's erection, her fingers unable to completely close. She gave it an experimental tug.

To his horror, Mordecai felt blood pumping into his own penis. He hurriedly pulled his clothes up. "Um, is that everything, director?"

"What?" Karen's head snapped upwards as if she'd forgotten he was there. "Oh, yes. Thank you, Dr Heller. Let me continue my inspection." She paused. "And shut the door on your way out."