Pharr Flung (Well Hung) Tours

"No thank you Mr. Pharr, I will do what I feel. I feel no breakfast today. I do not want more weight on my bones; otherwise I will look like someone else here." Mirsa flared her nostrils and Natasha flipped her hair and sashayed out of the kitchen. We finished our eggs, bacon and ham with fresh tortillas and went to prepare ourselves for Day 3 of our desert adventure tour. Vance would lead a guided hike among ancient cliff dwellings built by the enigmatic Anasazi People a thousand years earlier.

The two men went door to door, asking if we ladies were ready to have our luggage carried out to the van. Loria and I both said that we were, allowing Vance and his friend to enter and pick up our bags. I overheard our host say to Vance, "Usually pretty quite around here. But I gotta admit, got kinda excitin' last night though. We should talk about you stayin' at my ranch for some of your future tours. I could get use to a little pep coming through my door every now and then. I'll tell you what, you caught some fine lookin' ones; perhaps more than you can handle."

"Yup," said our guide as he walked outside.

Pharr Flung Tours had reserved the afternoon for one of the special out-of-the-way tours. Entering the Ute Mountain Tribal Park, we met our Native American guide. We ditched Vance's tour van in favor of a high clearance, four-wheel drive vehicle to give us access over the rutted and bumpy earthen trails which passed for roads to the Cliffside ruins ahead. Our guide stopped and pointed out numerous petroglyphs painted on the canyon walls as we crawled through the brushy lower canyon terrain. Our guide suggested that we take the trail to the top of the mesa and get a good view of the cliff dwellings across the canyon, untouched since they were abandoned 800 years ago. Vance thought that it was a good opportunity to stretch our legs and get a perspective on the unpopulated expanse of the geologic province known as the Colorado Plateau. Since Vance had suggested it, no one was going to quibble with his decision. Loria and I were dressed in sturdy footgear and prepared for the adventure. Even Mirsa had selected semi-appropriate apparel, a pair of preppy canvas shoes and tight shorts with a loose blouse. Apparently she did not wish to perspire on any of her bras; that's if she even packed any. Natasha had come along in the same mid-length bone-white dress she wore in the morning, wearing less than sturdy looking sandals with low heels.

Our guide pointed out the small trail that picked its way up along the side of a deeply incised ravine in the side of the mesa. We followed our Ute guide while Vance brought up the rear, after cautioning all of us that no one was to twist their ankle. He was not going to carry anybody down from the top of the mesa, alluding to Becky Raccoon's earlier trick. Natasha needed Vance's hand to assist her as she stepped delicately over the stone littered trail. Mirsa was silently stewing, not knowing how to direct Vance's attention to her at the expense of Natasha. We four waited at the top of a particularly steep stretch of the trail for Vance to move Natasha up the slope below us. Mirsa, not able to hold it in any longer, leaned over to Loria and mumbled, "That Euro-slut had her chance last night and she blew it. I caught her in the act. I was watching her try to mess with Vance through the kitchen window, so slutty and completely inappropriate. I was about to step outside and break her off when that wolf scared the pee right out of her. Serves her right, only I wish she was eaten up by that wolf before she had a chance to be eaten out."

"Yeah Mirsa, I only wish she'd worn a good pair of hiking boots with her outfit. Those strappy little pumps are slowing us all down. We're burning daylight waiting for her."

Loria's response was met by a dramatic eye roll from Mirsa. "What! What dark fashion-backward planet are you from? Hiking boots would never work with that outfit. Besides, those aren't pumps, they're sandals. You two are incredible," sniffed Mirsa.

Loria extended her arm with an open palm out behind her back, and I obliged her with a low five brush of her hand for irritating Mirsa so easily.

Vance and Natasha joined us and it was an easy last few yards to the flat top of the mesa where we had a fantastic view of the ancient cliff dwellings across the canyon and a perspective that stretched for miles beyond. Mirsa had taken her default position, gripping Vance's bicep as we stood admiring the incredible topography of steep-sided canyons, mesas and distant peaks.

Natasha snapped her head and stepped to grip Vance's arm, the one not occupied by Mirsa. "Look to there! I see tornado!" Natasha was nervously pointing down the canyon below us.

"No, don't worry. That's not a tornado. That's called a dust devil. They're a common sight out here in arid regions when the air is warm, but they're harmless." We watched the dust devil whirl and kick up straw and dust as it lengthened and climbed up the very trail we had just ascended. It danced in the warm air with a hypnotic flickering movement as it slithered toward us. Vance untethered himself from Mirsa and Natasha and strolled to the edge of the canyon to watch the dust devil's approach. We all stood mesmerized by its coiled form spinning below us. The column of swirling dust spun around in the vortex as it lingered just below the rim of the mesa. As we watched, it seemed to be taking our measure as it paused downslope from us.

The dust devil lurched, taking one giant leap to mount to the top of the mesa. It was immediately in our midst, we were swallowed by its dirty helix, filling our eyes and nostrils with dust and hot air. Everyone shielded their face with upstretched forearms. I stepped back to get out of the encircling currents and as I looked, I could see Natasha's skirts billowing, filled full by the dust devils updraft. Natasha was lifted heavenward, making her inflated white skirt look like a large dandelion seed as she floated skyward and was carried away toward the southern horizon.

"I never seen anything like that," said our guide as we descended back to the vehicle. "I expect she'll get caught up on top of Shiprock or land thereabouts."

Further up the canyon, we could hear the cries of coyotes, they seemed to be cackling for reasons I could only guess.

***

After a quiet dinner up the road in Cortez, Vance cut west on a small road that delivered us to an out of the way adobe-style bed and breakfast lodge. The proprietress was accommodating when Vance asked to cancel several of the rooms he had reserved, explaining that some of his original tour guests had left the group rather abruptly.

Loria and I were in agreement, Mirsa would try something tonight. Our suspicions were confirmed much sooner that we'd imagined. We were about to turn out the lights when we heard a cragged shriek coming from Mirs'a room, "Vance! Help me! Another shattering shriek, "Vance quick, come help me!" Mirsa screamed, "Hurry! I need help Vance!"

We shot out of our room, following right behind as Vance burst through the door into Mirsa's room. We were more curious than concerned to see what ploy Mirsa had devised to get into Vance's pants tonight. Mirsa was standing in the center of her bed in a pink thong and a short-cropped T-shirt, holding her hands to her cheeks screaming in hysterical bursts. Vance entered Mirsa's room in a heroic pose. Mirsa dropped a hand, pointed down and blurted out "Snake! A big snake! There's a big, nasty snake under my bed."

Vance dropped to the floor to look for the monster under Mirsa's bed. "Wow. Hey big guy, what are you doing here?" Vance sounded like he'd run into an old friend. "Somebody throw me one of those little pillows. I need something to chase this fellow out into the open."

I stepped forward and picked up a throw pillow, handing it to Vance. Loria and I were curious as to what Vance was looking at and more than a little curious as to how Mirsa has smuggled a live creature into her room as a way of getting Vance to rescue her. It was the well-worn, poor helpless maiden in distress routine. Why do men always fall for that one?

Vance made a couple of thrusts with the pillow under the bed, then snapped his arm back in prudent caution against whatever little monster he was jousting with in the confined space below Mirsa's bare feet. A couple of thrusts and parries produced the result Vance wanted. Out onto the hardwood floor lumbered a large lizard, brightly banded in an orange and black irregular horizontal pattern on its beaded skin. It was a foot-and-a-half long from its snout to the tip of its very thick, fat and blunt tail. Mirsa, standing with her back against the wall above the headboard, watched in terror as she saw the reptile crawl into the open. She gave a shriek as she waved her hands rapidly in an agitated motion. A second scream came in a long, low bellow as she sounded like she was about to wilt. "I hate snakes," Mirsa shuddered and turned her head away.

Vance stood enthralled by the visitor. "It's not a snake. It's a lizard. I'll be damned, it's a Heloderma suspectum; good girl Mirsa, you found a Gila Monster. I'll be damned, I've never seen one in the wild. What's it doing way out here in southwestern Colorado? It's pretty far from a Gila Monster's known range. This is amazing, absolutely amazing. I can't figure what this dude is doing here."

Mirsa made another bellowing sound as she wilted onto the bed and pulled the spread up and over her body, hiding from the monsters in her room. The Gila Monster scampered lethargically under a chair in the corner. Vance looked at me and Loria, "Be careful you two, I need to try and capture this guy. You ladies can watch the action, but don't let the Gila Monster get too close. This is the only venomous lizard in the US. They have to pretty much gum you to inject their venom, but it is said by trusted authorities that the bite of a Gila Monster rates as one of the most painful bites known."

A panicked shriek came from the shaking form hiding beneath the covers.

Vance pulled a cover from the top of the bed, causing Mirsa to believe the Gila Monster had sprung to the top of the mattress and was about to bite her ass. Mirsa bolted from the bed, powered by pure adrenalin and sprinted next door to Vance's room. The door was slammed shut and we could hear the latch being thrown with authority, followed by the sound of furniture being moved to barricade the door.

Out of an abundance of caution, Loria and I backed into the doorway and watched in fascination. Vance wadded up the blanket, draped it over the cornered lizard, prying up the edge of the blanket to expose the bulbous tail of the venomous creature, then swept in, seized the tail, holding the critter up at a full arm's length and then wrapped the heavy blanket around the suspended reptile's dangling and writhing body. Vance asked us to open the doors for him as he walked swiftly, carrying the colorful creature out into the night. We watched as he stepped into the brush, releasing the fellow into the wild.

Vance was grinning and energized as he returned to the lodge. "This could be a significant scientific discovery, expanding the range of Heloderma into Colorado. I could make a name for myself in herpetological circles. Meredith and Loria, you'll have to be my witnesses. That was really cool."

"How do you think that Gila Monster got into Mirs'a room?" I asked.

Vance gave it a thought, scratched his beard, and then chuckled. "You know Meredith, I've heard of people that check under their bed every night before they go to sleep, looking for monsters and boogey men hiding there. But this is the first time that I know of someone actually finding a true monster under their bed."

Loria had to ask what we were both thinking from the beginning, "You don't suppose Mirsa planted that fat lizard in her room so that she could have you rescue her, do you?"

Vance quickly shook his head, "Doubt it. The poor girl seemed genuinely terrified. Beside, where would she get a Gila Monster and how would she smuggle it into her room tonight. I have to chalk it up to another strange and unexplained thing out in the desert."

Loria nodded, "What a long, strange trip it's been."

Vance knocked on his bolted door, "Mirsa? Are you OK?"

"I hate snakes," came the demure reply from the other side of the barricade.

"It wasn't a snake; it was a beaded lizard, commonly called a Gila Monster. They have never been known to be in this part of the country. Mirsa, you discovered something pretty unusual and special."

Mirsa was heard to be whimpering behind the door, "I hate snakes."

Vance asked in a soft voice, "Mirsa, are you ready to open this door?" We heard the sound of an end table scraping across the floor and chairs being unstacked and placed back on the floor. In a moment the door was cracked open. We all entered together, Mirsa's eyes were red and her cheeks streaked from tears of terror and she looked very vulnerable. "I saw that big fat orange and black tail, it was all textured with little bumps; I thought it was a pretty dildo. But when I bent over to pick it up, it moved. It freaked me out." She shuttered and shook her shoulders at the vivid memory. "I really hate snakes."

Vance suppressed a small smile, "Well I guess that old Devil's Dildo is gone now. You'll have to grab one of your more conventional ones."

"I'm not going back to that room. Vance, can I sleep with you in your bed tonight?" Mirsa moved to his side and ducked her head under his arm and held him tight around the waist. Vance looked at me and then at Loria, as if he was asking us for permission to grant Mirsa's request. Loria and I gave each other a quick glance; we were both thinking the same thing. If this was all a ruse by Mirsa to get Vance in bed, then it was an award-winning performance. Then again, if she was a victim of her fears, her request for security were genuine. Either way, neither of us felt we had the authority to tell Vance to shun Mirsa. Loria and I shrugged in unison, affirming that we were checkmated by Mirsa - emphasis on mated.

Vance looked at us, gave a subtle nod and then moved with the shuffle of a condemned man as he escorted the scantily clad young thing to his bed. He folded down the sheets and lifted Mirsa tenderly into the folds, lifting her head and then lowering it onto a fluffed pillow. Vance was so sweet; it made me melt a little to watch him. If only it was not Mirsa who was being tucked into his bed.

Mirsa curled up; Vance stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and petted her bottom before he pulled the sheets over her. He left the bedside and came and stood between me and my friend, placed a broad hand on each of our shoulders as he escorted us out of his room. "It's been a day. I take pleasure in being able to take care of all of my guests properly. Meredith and Loria, sleep well. We've got some exciting things ahead. See you in the morning. Sweet dreams." We each got an affectionate squeeze on the shoulder as he eased us out the door and shut it behind us.

Loria grabbed my arm, dragging me into our room, motioning me to sit on her bed. "Mer, what do you think about Mirsa's performance tonight, academy award-winning or true sissy girl having a hissy fit at the site of dildo-tailed lizard?"

"Loria my friend, I've got a bigger question; what did you make of our exit from Vance's room just now? Am I reading too much into Vance's words and actions?"

"Meredith, I think he was a little reluctant to be bedded by Mirsa in her pinky thing thong and titties jutting out of her crop top. Did you get that impression too?"

"Yeah, and not only that, what about that squeeze on our shoulders as he said 'sweet dreams' to us?"

"Right? And what did you hear? He said he takes pleasure in taking care of all of his guests. I heard him emphasize all -- we're part of the 'all', are we not? Am I just wishing, or do you think he was hinting?"

"Loria, tomorrow is Day 4. Check your schedule, Day 4 is our visit to the legendary Canyon of the Vaginas where we'll be in the presence of the powerful witch spirit. Maybe I'm wishing right along with you, but I think Vance has something special in mind for us - or hopefully something special he's hiding somewhere else for us." We both cupped our hands over our mouths to muffle our giggles escaping from our naughty imaginations.

We were getting ourselves kind of worked up and a little hot and bothered thinking about what Vance's 'well-hung' tour might turn into, based on our imagined readings of Vance's cryptic words and physical signs. Loria then threw cold water on my fantasy when she asked, "How long before we hear the first screaming orgasm coming through our wall? I give her six minutes."

I asked, "Do you figure Mirsa is up for a 'multiple O' night? I bet we have to listen to her coming for a solid forty minutes. I know I could go all night with a thick man like that tickling my ovaries; at least I'd love to try. God, I'm getting excited thinking about it."

"Hey girl! Meredith, what do you say we go back out and catch that dildo-tailed lizard and bring him back in here and put him under my bed and we can scream for Vance to come save us?"

I laughed at Loria's spunky plan. "That's so crazy it just might work." But we both knew she was kidding. It looked like Mirsa had out maneuvered us schoolmarms. Vance was going to party with Mirsa and dip into her punch bowl first.

I offered a cautious suggestion, "I would have thought we would have heard her working him over like a Waring blender long before now. I didn't figure Mirsa for the long foreplay kind of tart; she's a credit to her gender." We halted our conversation and listened with purpose.

"Sounds quiet over there Mer." Loria went into the bathroom and picked up a cup and put it between the wall and her ear. "I can't hear a thing. What gives?"

"Girl, you don't know what you're listening for; let a real pervert give it a try." I took the cup and did the magnified eavesdropping trick. I heard nothing. We waited several minutes, expecting the fireworks to begin, how could they not, with a skyrocket like the one Vance was packing. Mystified, but still perversely curious, we began to ready ourselves for bed. I was in the bathroom when Loria thought she heard the door to Vance's room open. Without hesitating, she stepped out into the corridor to investigate.

"Oh Vance. Do you know if there's an ice machine down the hall?" Loria, using her quick wit, asked Vance as he was working to surreptitiously close the door.

"I think I saw one that way," he said in a whisper as he pointed behind Loria.

"OK, thanks. How's our friend doing after her big scare?" She asked in an offhanded tone, feigning sympathy for Mirsa.

"She seems completely wrung out. Poor kid, she's collapsed from emotional exhaustion. I'm going to move her stuff over into this room while she's fast asleep. I'll sleep better if I trade beds and use her room for the night." Loria nodded, and then went in the direction Vance had pointed, not caring if there was an ice machine at the end of the hall or not.

My friend re-entered our room and reported verbatim the conversation she just had with our tour guide. We exchanged high fives. "Meredith, I couldn't help but notice that he had a huge hard-on running down the leg of his boxers. It was a redwood tree trunk. It was a sight to behold, even in the shadows. Mirsa is going to be so pissed when she realizes what she ended up missing." I licked my lips and felt the slightest of a buzz crawl through my lady parts. It felt good. I felt good.

No nooky for Mirsa last night and a great start to Day 4 for us; except for Mirsa's foul mood. She had let Vance know that she felt abandoned by him, sneaking away from her side and sleeping in a separate bed. She demonstrated that she felt betrayed and denied her rightful prize. She was savvy enough to see that if she pouted too much, Vance would ignore her and turn his attention to us. This dilemma made her all the more foul. While brushing our teeth in our room, I suggested, "Mirsa could use a good self-fucking from the venomous devil's dildo; I bet she has more venom in her than any Gila Monster."