Pharr Flung (Well Hung) Tours

Author's note: I believe this whimsical tale best fits the category of Magical Realism; alas, although such a category exists in the broader world of literary genres, Magical Realism is not a choice available for submissions at Literotica. I have chosen to place this story in the Humor & Satire category, as I am hoping the dear reader will find the absurd and fantastical events embedded within the otherwise (somewhat) plausible erotic storyline to be amusing. I have placed some tongue-in-cheek dialogue and lighthearted circumstances to further embellish the humorous tilt to the narrative; albeit, dry humor. After all, dry humor is what the dear reader might rightly expect of a tale set in the arid lands of the American Southwest.

If I missed the mark with my intention of writing a humorous and erotic tale, then the joke is on me for mistakenly believing I was amusing - or erotic.

+++++

I rolled off my chair and collapsed on the linoleum floor, convulsing with laughter.

Loria watched me hit the floor, she was mid-sip in her umpteenth glass of merlot, and in her empathetic bemusement, she inhaled her wine instead of swallowing; causing her to spew a mouthful across the tablecloth, still laughing between rasping hacks.

As my best friend sputtered on her wine and her Freudian slip; I found her spasmodic condition all the more hilarious. I shrieked, hyperventilating in a failed effort to control myself.

Loria recovered enough to admonish me with her patented classroom phrase, "Chill thyself! Jeez Meredith, you're even worse than a class of eight graders on the last day of school. Chill thyself woman!"

I crawled back into my seat at the table, having managed to return to a more suitable mild chuckle from my uncontrolled laughter of a moment earlier. "Tell me girl, what were you really thinking? Wine loosens lips - and hips? Is that what I'm hearing?"

Loria threw her head back in a merlot induced set of giggles at my prodding question. "Wine does funny things to my tongue sometimes. I was just looking at his picture and I tried to suggest we might want to check out his adventure tour; I honestly tried to say 'Pharr Flung', but it just came out 'well hung'."

We were at the mercy of the merlot and couldn't help letting out a couple more whoops after Loria's only half-embarrassed explanation of her risqué slip-of-the-tongue. We chased our merry outburst with a few more sips from the stemware. "Tell me girl, look me in the eye - you were looking at his shorts when you said that, weren't you?"

"OK. But so were you! I know you Meredith. I know you all too well."

I teased Loria, "Maybe the wine is helping you see things; things that you're hoping to see. Huh?"

"What about you Meredith? Take a swig, then look at him. Maybe this vintage gives me x-ray vision. I can see through his pants, I swear. Tell me you don't see what I see - tell me the truth."

"All right Loria, I'll give you that there is an interesting shadow at play right were your eyes are glued, but perhaps the wine is playing tricks with you. It could just be folds in the fabric."

"Yes! And what would make fabric fold like that?"

"You have a point there," I admitted.

"Look! And so does he! Look right there!" Loria failed to choke back her annoying nasal snickers as she made her emphatic argument. She was holding the back of her hand to her lips and gesturing at the laptop screen with her other hand waving her almost empty glass.

I straightened to answer my best friend's question, "I'm just playing devil's advocate. You know what I really think?"

Loria turned down the corners of her mouth in a skeptical challenge and threw her hand out, palm up, in a gesture asking for my theory, "What do you really think Meredith?"

"That dude's got a big hard-on."

Loria exploded with a grand "Hah!" And then slapper both hands smack down on the table top and laughed hard with her face in the wine stain which she had made at the start of this whole episode. "Jeez! I love the last day of school and I love to unwind with the wine after our school year. And I love planning our summer fling together, way too much fun."

"Serious Mer, we haven't been to the American Southwest yet. I think it could be fun. Are you up for trying Pharr Flung Adventures? The website advertises small group tours of out-of-the-way and exotic locations in the Desert Southwest? I think it'd be a great way to spend our annual summer fling this year -- and not only for the reason I just happened upon when looking at picture of our personal guide."

"Did you say 'erotic' locations?" I teased my silly girlfriend.

"Stop!" I said exotic locations... Didn't I? Did I say erotic by mistake? Mer, you know what I meant." Loria started her giggling all over again.

"Indeed, I know very well what you meant. You're such a naughty girl, Loria.Yeah, I could be up for this fling. But I'll tell you what, this dude's 'up' for some summer flings himself, by the looks of it. And pictures don't lie." We drained that bottle and laughed ourselves silly with the idea of signing on with Vance Pharr because Loria thought his tour was advertised as a well-hung tour; a tour of out-of-the-way erotic locations.

School was out for the summer. This would be our fifth year to plan our 'fling'. Traditionally, we start the summer of freedom with a late afternoon bottle of wine, we order out for dinner; then another bottle to pair with the taste of summer's freedom. Loria and I always have great fun together, especially right after we're finished with another year in the classroom.

We ended up enjoying ourselves too much that first evening to be able to do any serious planning for our summer fling. As sometimes happens, I slept on Loria's couch rather than trying to drive home with so much fun in my system. It was the wine. It was the fun of laughing ourselves silly. It was the sexual innuendo repartee. It was the sudden decompression and the exhilaration of freedom after turning in our grades and walking out of the school office. Hell, it was everything all mixed together and a good case of hormones thrown in to rev up my imagination after looking at Vance Pharr and his Pharr Flung Adventure website. The merlot would make a girl sleep, but Vance could make a girl dream, sweet and naughty dreams.

I awoke o'dark-thirty because I needed to pee. I threw the light blanket off and swung my feet to the floor and shuffled my way, eyes half open, to the guest bath. I backed onto the seat to get some relief from my floating teeth and just before I reached behind to flush, I heard a faint sound. I paused. I shed my sleepiness to concentrate on what I was hearing. Yes, I knew that sound coming through the thin wall from Loria's bedroom; it was the high-frequency hum of Mr. Buzzy doing his job (at least that's his name at my place). It seems that the wine, the intriguing photo of Vance and thoughts of our summer fling had planted the seeds of a sweet and naughty dream in Loria's horny imagination just as it had done in mine. Loria and I are so much alike. I decided not to flush; fearing the sound might alert her to my awakened and listening presence. I'd feel bad if I interrupted my best friend's late night fantasy fun. I spared her the embarrassment of my knowledge and slipped back to my spot on the couch to indulge myself in a sweet and naughty fantasy of my own.

I could hardly ask Loria to borrow her Mr. Buzzy vibrator once she was finished. That just wouldn't do, not even among good friends. I'd have to let my fingers do their sweet talking all by themselves. A little lube would usually be in order, but I'd have to make do with wetting my fingers with my mouth. I circled my fingers, tracing the elastic edges tucked around my inner thighs; drifting away in my own erotic fantasy with Mr. Pharr and his well-hung adventure tour. I fantasized that my twat was in desperate need of moisture out in the dry desert and Vance himself would have to accommodate one of his tour guests in her moment of need. I imagined 'well-hung' Vance of Pharr Flung Adventures couldn't spare any drinking water from the tour group. But since I was in need of moisture, he would have to lick my clit to make me comfortable out in the dry, dusty desert. I began rolling my fingers over the slinky smooth fabric of my pale blue panties, pressing and teasing my clit beneath the enveloping labia under the fabric as I dredged up the details of my cunnilingus fantasy featuring Vance servicing my parched pussy.

I fantasized one of my cheesy, melodramatic scenarios; this one began where I had wandered off from the main group and Vance came looking for me, concerned about my welfare. He discovered me in my bikini top seated on a large rock.

"Meredith, I'm glad I found you. What are you doing way out here away from the group?"

"Oh Vance! You startled me. I guess I got carried away following this trail -- I didn't know I had gotten separated from our group."

"Wow! Meredith, what are you sitting on?"

"Vance, I'm sitting on my ass. Why do you ask?"

"Why of course you are. And it's the finest little ass in the entire group. I've been watching it lustily ever since you joined the tour. But I was looking at what's under your ass. That's amazing Meredith!"

"Anatomically, that amazing part you're referring to would not be under my ass; not unless I was spread out, tits down on this rock." I pressed down on my stimulated clit growing harder underneath my panties as I continued to rub my crotch with four fingers, massaging my moistening labia, mashing their dewy folds onto my point of pleasure. Dampness had begun to wick through the fabric; the feel of my moist arousal on my fingertips inspired me to grind with a firm, slow delicious teasing as I worked to soak my undies.

"No Meredith, I think you've discovered a big boner -- oh, I meant to say, a big bone that is."

"What are you're talking about Vance? Did you just say boner? I was hoping to find a big boner on this trip." I envisioned myself being quite coquettish as I perched on this large bolder in my bikini top.

"Meredith, you're sitting on a dinosaur bone. I think. You'll need to move so I can get a better look."

Vance was looking between my legs and was asking for a better look, so I obliged his curiosity and spread my legs wide. The generous cut around the cuffs of my khaki shorts allowed him to peer up my thighs, giving him an eyeful as I showed off my pussy (in this fantasy, I had opted to go commando when I dressed that morning). Vance was mesmerized by the sight of my cute cunt sitting on top of an old dinosaur fossil. Which discovery would this man find more appealing?

I upped the ante, reaching behind my back and undid the clasps on my bikini top, jiggled my shoulders and let my pink bathing suit bra fall from my chest. I imagined myself topless, showing my well-proportioned tits, accentuated by the contrast of my tan lines. They hung in the morning sunlight with some curvaceous heft, topped by flirty up-turned nipples. I had my legs spread wide in a welcoming stance, fully displayed before our good looking tour guide. I was now getting slippery wet and pulled the satin crotch of my panties to the side and slipped my fingers into my steamy canyon. A single finger glided up my slickened interior, wiggling back and forth to push my folds aside as I braced for contact with my protruding berry. I always let out a small moan; it's unavoidable, when I first touch my engorged clit. I intended to be discreet in my masturbation on Loria's living room couch. I struggled to keep my purring moans stifled while my chest thundered with my gasping breaths as I played with my excited lady parts.

I questioned our tour leader, "Well, looks like you've made a couple of exciting discoveries here today Vance; what are your plans?" I shook my boobs, letting my rising, dark pink nipples act as a welcoming pair of cheering pompoms while I basked in the bright desert air. "Vance, you found a bone. And I'm looking for a boner."

An agitated Vance studied the situation with his hand holding his full, red bearded chin, "This is all so damn exciting. I just don't know what I should do. Let me think about this."

"What's there to think about Mr. Pharr? Cock or rock? I know what I'd choose if I were you."

"You know Meredith, this dinosaur bone has been here for 100 million years or more, I think it can wait right here a little bit longer. But it looks like you need some attention right now." I was pleased to hear of his good choice and powerful logic.

This is the part of my fantasy where I play the innocent young schoolmarm, "Oh you are so very observant and caring of your tour guests Mr. Pharr; you are right, I do need attention. I fear the dry desert air has parched my pussy parts and I think it will be unbearable for me to walk any further; can you help me find some relief? Pretty please?"

I reclined on the rock with my nipples pointing into the big blue sky, waiting to be taken. Vance unsnapped my shorts and pulled them over my hips, leaving me naked and spread wide atop a long dead dinosaur. A pretty pussy perched on a dinosaur fossil, there's no better combination to give my paleontologist tour guide a super hard-on. I pretended my two fingers running up and down my slit was Vance's tongue coming to lick my clit. I was growing restless as I dipped into my hole to pull out sticky sweetness, retuning to smear the sex fluid over my heating clitoris. I imaged Vance licking me toward orgasm as I basked in the morning sun like a lusting lizard soaking up pleasure on this warm rock.

I could feel my insides melting and beginning to drip, I was climbing up to the edge of my orgasm. To finish myself off I fantasized about his big boner growing large in my inner sanctum, filling me and pushing deep into me. I could feel his large cock spread my well licked and thoroughly slickened inner lips as he hammered me. Vance fucked me hard as I put my legs up and over his shoulders. He held my hips and pulled me onto his prick as he grunted like a dying dinosaur and thrust deep into me. I could feel my pleasure build. As my fingers pumped in and out of my pussy, I imagined them being his cock inside of me. This fantasy required a two-hand workover. I used my right index finger to stroke the sensitive underside of my clit, bringing me to the point where I sensed my looming collapse into a puddle of clinching orgasmic pleasure. It was now inevitable and unstoppable. The thought of being fucked by Vance as I lay on top of a rock in the desert brought on wave upon wave of crashing orgasms. My vagina contracted and my belly flexed as I was awash in rumbling pleasure while trying to keep my ecstatic orgasmic sex sounds to a minimum and avoid falling off of Loria's couch. My vulva was shaking after an explosive desert thunder storm had blown up and hit my clit with lightning and my uterus with thunder. I tasted my coated fingers in the satisfying calm that followed the storm. Sweet, sensual dreams filled my thoughts the rest of the night.

In the morning, Loria and I made coffee and our summer fling plans. For similar reasons, which we left unspoken, Loria and I had no doubt that we'd be signing up for Pharr Flung Adventures. We made reservations for our flight to Albuquerque right after breakfast. Upon arrival, we would be met by Vance Pharr, our guide for exotic, out-of-the-way Southwest Desert Adventures. Our inside joke was that our summer fling was with 'Well Hung' Adventures to tour erotic locations. We were both excited.

*****

We boarded our flight to Albuquerque International Sunport, where Vance Pharr would meet us. Loria and I were the last of the seven tour guests to arrive that afternoon. There was no mistaking Vance Pharr as we exited security and headed for the baggage carousel; he stood with a hand-lettered sign identifying him as the representative of Pharr Flung Southwestern Adventure Tours. Neither Loria nor I needed that sign; we knew the sight of him from our sweet fantasies and heated day dreams. He was standing before us in all of his glory; well-sculpted calves, tanned in the desert sun, extending in a solid stance up to a tight, muscular derrière filling out his Khaki shorts. He was scanning the exiting passengers with keen, bright gray eyes looking for us. We of course spotted him and his trimmed red beard and thick sandy chestnut hair, looking finer in person than he did in his website photos. I threw an elbow into Loria's arm, "Psst. There he is, right up ahead, over on the left."

My adventure companion threw an elbow right back at me, "What? You don't think that I already dropped my peepers on that guy? Jeez, give me some credit Mer."

I offered a challenge to Loria, "I'll race you."

Loria puffed through her lips with a sound of exasperation and then responded, "Chill thyself Mer, don't look too brazen, you'll scare the poor fellow off. And we'll both be kicked off the tour bus in the middle of nowhere. Chill thyself and act ladylike." We both snickered briefly before we composed ourselves. As we walked up to introduce ourselves to Vance, at the last moment Loria cut in front of me by taking two long, quick strides to win the footrace.

Vance collected our bags for us as he welcomed us to New Mexico, 'The Land of Enchantment'. We walked with our guide as he filled us in on the other adventurers who would join us for his Pharr Flung Southwestern Adventure Tour. He mentioned Natasha, who'd arrive about 40 minutes earlier. She was from Europe. She was waiting for us in the large tour van. Another couple had driven themselves into town; they were resting at the hotel along with a couple of young women who had flown into Albuquerque earlier in the day. Vance went to get the parked van while we stayed with our bags at the curb.

Natasha was seated in the front passenger's seat, Loria and I seated ourselves on the bench seat behind the driver. Vance made sure proper introductions were exchanged all around. We said our greetings to Natasha and she in turn flipped her thick, black hair over her shoulder as she turned her head to speak to us, "It is good to look at you," she said in a flat tone of accented English as we shook hands.

Vance looked over at Natasha as he was about to drive off and then put the van back into park; "Excuse me Natasha, but in this country it is the law that all of my passengers have to use their seatbelts. Otherwise I and my business could get into trouble. Would you please take a second to buckle yourself in for safety."

Natasha sat unresponsive to Vance's request. We were thinking that her command of English may not be sufficient to understand Vance's instructions. She pursed her lips and looked to Vance, "Will you be nice to me and give me demonstration of what I am to do for you please?" She did not move. Loria and I watched as Vance seemed perplexed as to how to proceed with his passenger. Natasha smiled, "Please, I request a nice demonstration with your hands." Vance dipped his head in a nod, then reached across Natasha's body to pull the restraint from over her right shoulder and click it into place at her left hip. Loria and I both noticed Natasha lean forward as Vance was extended over her torso to pull out her seatbelt. She also seemed to shift her hip next to the clip just as Vance was locking the buckle in place. The strap fell tight in her cleavage, accentuating her feminine assets, which were already well displayed by her form --fitting black blouse with a ruffled trim flowing down the deep plunging V-neckline. "Please, for me now adjust me so that I am safe from your American law." Natasha rotated her right shoulder toward Vance, emphasizing the prominence of her breasts as she made her request. Our driver made a quick tug near the buckle to make the requested adjustment. Natasha held her head high, looking left she asked, "Mister Vance, do you say to me that I look like a nice and safe woman for you?"