Pirate Sex for Beginners

I won't lie to you. Times are hard. And sometimes when things get hard and you're isolating, life can become frustrating. Your outlet is limited. This will help. It's a piece of work that's designed to develop your role-playing skills at a time when the diversity of your sex life may be suffering. You'll need to root out a few costumes, learn some lines and persuade your significant other that it's not insane, kinky and a little bit perverse. Or that it's barking mad, completely kinky, and totally perverted.

This will depend on what kind of partner you have. If you still don't know what kind of partner you have, this article is not for you. Should this part go wrong, you're not getting any for the duration. And let's face it, your sex life may have become routine, but routine is better than none at all. The rest of you, read on!

The life of a seafarer legitimate or otherwise during the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries was fraught with danger. Like England's second most successful seafaring Horatio, Admiral Lord Nelson, they were often killed bit by bit. A composite pirate then might be pegged of leg, hooked of hand and patched of eye as well as the obligatory parroted of shoulder. In the pre-mobility conversion era, the life of a pirate was indeed a difficult one.

This is bound to be a highly satisfying role play. But do not be tempted to take things a step too far. Amputating a leg is a step too far. Indeed, then a step would be a step too far. For your leg you can't substitute an arm either. The hook might seem like a good idea in the heat of the moment and there's no doubt it will facilitate the role play, but it's actually a hindrance during sex and limbs don't tend to grow back.

Do not cut off a piano leg or hide a hook under an extra-long sleeve. Many pirates ended up one-eyed because they developed an itch. Call me a minimalist, many have, but go for the eye patch alone. But don't be tempted to poke an eye out either. Place the patch carefully over a sound eye. If you own a parrot, that's fine, but don't buy one for the occasion. Remember, 'A parrot is for life, not just for pirate night'.

I appreciate I've been a bit of a bore with all the health and safety. But this is the first role play I'm sharing with you and there are legal requirements to satisfy so that there's no need for me to add a disclaimer. I certainly wouldn't want anyone to try to sue the pants off me, now would I?

Speaking of pants, be my guest to go overboard on the costumes. There's an etching of Anne Bonny in one of the versions of 'A General History of the Pyrates' so if you think you can pull it off why not use this as your guide? Or just get some inspiration from the Disney blockbusters 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. Plus, you'll need a weightlifting belt.

The setting is the captain's quarters, so your bedroom should suffice. I know I'm sounding ultra-cautious, but this is your first time, and have you ever actually tried to have sex in a hammock? I recommend sticking to the king sized double especially if you've ignored my advice on the amputations.

I've included a liberal sprinkling of top pirate phrases, but feel free to add an

Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh! at any point.

A knock is heard on the door. That's your stage direction. Here's your script...

Captain Bonny: "Come in!"

Midshipman Gunn: "Ahoy Cap'n Bonny."

Captain Bonny: "Ahoy Midshipman Gunn."

Midshipman Gunn: "T'is a lovely evening t'is it not?"

Captain Bonny: "Indeed it is. A beautiful, tranquil evening, perfect for a cruisin'."

Midshipman Gunn: "I love evenings like this. Where else would you rather be?"

Captain Bonny: "You're right; the Caribbean is the perfect location. But you didn't come to my cabin just to tell me that did you?"

Midshipman Gunn: "You're very perceptive Sir. I've actually been asked to come by the rest of the men. There's a bit of a problem."

Captain Bonny: "I'm surprised to hear that. We're really doing rather well at the moment. Rated number two in Forbes Highest-Earning Pirates. And if that scurvy dog "Black Sam" hadn't taken the Whydah, we'd be number one."

Midshipman Gunn: "The one that got away."

Captain Bonny: "Aye, but only because you as my head of intelligence said it was only carrying slaves."

Midshipman Gunn: "An honest mistake. Who'd have thought it had over four and a half tons of gold and silver aboard?"

Captain Bonny: "Black Sam Bellamy for a start or indeed anyone who realised it wasn't sailing from Africa. What sort of lunatic would bring the slaves back? They're not on sale or return you know."

Midshipman Gunn: "I realise that now, but slavery is immoral and as signatories to the pirate's code we swore to have nothing to do with it. Besides I haven't come to talk about the Whydah."

Captain Bonny: "Blow me down! It's not our pension scheme is it? Because as far as I can see the benefits are second to none. 20% of gross profits tied up in an offshore account. Early retirement, disability allowance and substantial life cover. I spent weeks with the bloke from the Pru' negotiating that deal. You all go private with cutlass or musket related injuries you know?"

Midshipman Gunn: "We all do know and we're very grateful."

Captain Bonny: "It's the grog isn't it? I only reduced the ration for health reasons, and since we've been adding the lime incidences of scurvy have gone down by 44%. And I don't buy the cheap stuff off the back of a cart like Calico Jack and stick on a Bacardi Gold label. It's all Captain Morgan with me and we get a discount and keep everything within our own buccaneering fraternity."

Midshipman Gunn: "It's not the grog, we all enjoy it from a glass with a little lime and the miniature swords have gone down a storm. It's just that there's a rumour spreading that you're not like the other men."

Captain Bonny: "Is that all? Of course, I'm not. I'm the captain, I have to remain aloof."

Midshipman Gunn: "It's more the other stuff."

Captain Bonny: "What other stuff?"

Midshipman Gunn: "You know, the cocktails and canapés and the dressing up of an evening."

Captain Bonny: "You're losing me now; lots of people dress up of an evening and enjoy cocktails and canapés. It's sophisticated."

Midshipman Gunn: "Yes, it's just that you wear a ball gown."

Captain Bonny: "And lots of people dress up of an evening in a ball gown. I really fail to see your point."

Midshipman Gunn: "But those people are women."

Captain Bonny: "And I suppose the famous and successful cross-dressing Captain Shakespeare of the Caspartine was a woman then?"

Midshipman Gunn: "I think you'll find he's a fictional character. I've certainly never met him."

Captain Bonny: "And in your extensive travels you've met Blackbeard, Edward England and Captain Kidd?"

Midshipman Gunn: "No."

Captain Bonny: "John Halsey, Bartholemew Roberts, Henry Morgan?"

Midshipman Gunn: "No"

Captain Bonny: "And yet you would agree that to a man they're all real and redoubtable pirates."

Midshipman Gunn: "Of course, but none of them dressed up in women's clothes."

Captain Bonny: "So the crew want me to stop unwinding of an evening in a dress, sipping a pina colada?"

Midshipman Gunn: "The pina colada's fine, in fact the dress is also fine. It's just that they're suspicious that, and I'm just going to come out and say it, suspicious that you might be a woman."

Captain Bonny: "Shiver me timbers! On what possible grounds?"

Midshipman Gunn: "Apart from the way you fill the dress?"

Captain Bonny: "Apart from the way I allegedly fill the dress."

Midshipman Gunn: "They say you spent a bit too much time with Calico Jack until his untimely demise."

Captain Bonny: "I was his number two before the hanging, and if you remember I was unanimously voted captain after it."

Midshipman Gunn: "Then what about the man from the Pru'?" (An abbreviation for 'Ye Olde Prudential' a precursor of Prudential plc.)

Captain Bonny: "We've been through that already. I was hammering out a deal to get the best possible terms for you lot. And this is the thanks I get."

Midshipman Gunn: "Blackbeard?"

Captain Bonny: "Really? World Pirate of the year four years running and seven in all, an All-Caribbean a record 14 times and 27 covers on Buccaneer Monthly. He certainly managed to Edward Teach me a thing or two before his untimely passing."

Midshipman Gunn: "A clever play on his name, but two can play at that game. It won't get you off the Captain Hook. The crew are saying he did indeed teach you a thing or too, but it wasn't from his posthumous international bestseller 'Piracy made simple for Landlubbers."

Captain Bonny: "You seem to have an answer to everything. I can see that I'm going to have to provide you with the ultimate proof. But before I cast these rumours aside once and for all, I ask you, what difference would it make if I was indeed a woman?"

Midshipman Gunn: "The figures suggest no difference at all."

Captain Bonny: "Indeed, injuries down 57%, deaths down 75%, job satisfaction stats through the roof and a breath-taking increase in booty."

Midshipman Gunn: "It's the breath-taking increase in booty that the crew are concerned about."

Captain Bonny: "I see no reason why. It's not like they're going to go into a higher tax band. I mean, none of them are declaring their income are they?"

Midshipman Gunn: "Just Leading Hand Silver."

Captain Bonny: "You must mean ex-Leading Hand Silver, the bilge rat who tried to grasp me amidships?"

Midshipman Gunn: "The very same. He says that our prompt fiscal contribution for the support of the government is the keystone of democracy."

Captain Bonny: "An admirable notion."

Midshipman Gunn: "He's a reformed character since you cut his hand off."

Captain Bonny: "I'm glad to hear it. And the rest?"

Midshipman Gunn: Most of them have become shrewd dabblers in the market in the wake of your Investment Awareness Course. But it's not their share of the booty they worry about. It's your actual booty. Calico's untimely demise was the best thing ever to happen to them, but as incompetent as he may have been, at least he was a scrawny arsed git."

Captain Bonny: "What difference does the size of a captain's arse make?"

Midshipman Gunn: When you're fighting, people members of the crew keep remarking 'A vast behind,' referring to your posterior. Some of the others understandably given the context think they mean "Watch out from behind!" They turn and become vulnerable to a full frontal. Besides, despite the dramatic upturn in year on year figures they feel that they'll become a laughingstock if you're exposed. So, if you don't mind providing your proof."

Captain Bonny: "Alright, if you could be a dear and pass me my weightlifting belt."

Midshipman Gunn: "Your weightlifting belt?"

Captain Bonny: "Of course, what do I always say about correct lifting procedure?"

Midshipman Gunn: "I don't think you saying, 'belt up to prevent back injury' has much relevance to the debate at hand."

Captain Bonny: "Perhaps not, but I will prove my manliness in a test of strength in the weights room which if you remember I introduced in my first week as captain. And after which the hand to hand combat success rate went through the roof."

Midshipman Gunn: "No-one doubts the success of the scheme or your manliness in the gymnasium; they just doubt that you are an actual man."

Captain Bonny: "So what do I need to do to satisfy them?"

Midshipman Gunn: "Prove to them that you're not a man apart."

Captain Bonny: "A man apart from?"

Midshipman Gunn: "A man apart from his wedding tackle."

Captain Bonny: "And should I refuse?"

Midshipman Gunn: "Then we'll elect a new captain who doesn't and set you down on the next land we come to."

Captain Bonny: "You son of a Biscuit Eater! I ought to clap you in irons you mutinous dog! Do that and I guarantee you'll be feeding the fish at the bottom of Davy Jones' Locker within the week."

Midshipman Gunn: "I know we will. But this is 1720 and regardless of the prospect of certain death they're not ready for a lady captain. Yet I have a proposition that may save the day."

Captain Bonny: "Then spit it out you bilge sucking old salt!"

Midshipman Gunn: "I'll inform the crew that you passed the sex test with flying colours. You lose the dress and wear baggier britches in battle. Culottes might be best. I think you could carry it off."

Captain Bonny: "And in return?"

Midshipman Gunn: "The long nights at sea have started to weigh heavy on this crusty old sea dog."

Captain Bonny: "What even since I introduced the games room?"

Midshipman Gunn: "That's helped, but t'is a woman's touch I crave. I want to follow Blackbeard, Calico, and the man from the Pru'."

Captain Bonny: "But I'm still seeing the man from the Pru'. In fact, I thought it was him when you came in. Let's just say he rocks my boat big time."

Midshipman Gunn: "That must be one of those new nautical terms, but whatever it means I don't think he'll be doing it in the future."

Captain Bonny: "Blow me down, what have you done?"

Midshipman Gunn: "Cleaved him to the brisket. But in my defence he'd given me a filthy look."

Captain Bonny: "He's boss-eyed."

Midshipman Gunn: "Was."

Captain Bonny: "So he's fish food?

Midshipman Gunn: "It would appear so."

Captain Bonny: "Then know this, I'm a woman with a voracious appetite."

Midshipman Gunn: "Then prepare to be boarded repeatedly Cap'n Bonny."

I won't lie. There's a lot of dialogue to be learnt before you embark on having sex with the glamorous Anne Bonny. Or deflowering Midshipman Gunn if you're the lady in lockdown. But let's face it, who hasn't got the time now? Plus, you can factor in an actor/actress role play as you work. It's called improvisation.

Also, there isn't much sex. And when I say "much," I mean "any." I realise that this might be a bitter disappointment to some of you, but at the start I did mention that this is "a piece of work that's designed to develop your role playing at a time when the diversity of your sex life may be suffering." At no time did I promise you sex. Which is actually the first time I've ever said this.

For the record, Anne Bonny really was renowned as a female Caribbean pirate. She was captured with John "Calico Jack" Rackham, her lover and captain of the pirate sloop Revenge in 1720, and I admit never actually commanded a ship of her own. You may call it fake news; I say it's poetic license. Calico Jack was hanged, but it is believed that Anne survived and lived to a ripe old age in America.

Some readers will be concerned about the many honours bestowed on Blackbeard and will point to the fact that he could never have won them in direct competition with history's most renowned pirate Captain Horatio Pugwash. But he didn't have to, because the bloodthirsty Pugwash would not terrorise the Seven Seas for around fifty years.

In the episode 'Pirate of the Year' from the animated 'Captain Pugwash' television series, which originally featured on the BBC between 1958 and 1967 he enters the "Pirate of the Year contest 1775". As such he was a contemporary of the aforementioned Admiral Horatio Nelson.

'Captain Pugwash' was reported to have been taken off the air by The Sunday Correspondent and the Guardian because they claimed it starred characters named Master Bates, Seaman Staines, and Roger the Cabin Boy.

In fact, the crew of the notorious Black Pig were Master Mate, Tom the Cabin Boy, and Pirates Barnabas and Willy. Series creator John Ryan successfully won retractions and settlements from both newspapers.

Personally, I find the case almost impossible to believe. Why would a serious writer ever resort to such measures to elicit cheap laughs?