All Comments on 'Popping the Cork...'

but I am betting you do a follow up

Avoid the second person writing, "you said" etc. You aren't telling her the story, you are telling it to me, so use third person.

This was not a good story, meets a married women in a liquor store ,helps her load her car, and then he fuck her and she. Consented. Not in this lifetime would that happen unless he had her drugged. To weak to be posted.

You broke virtually every writing rule here, but the worst was flippong POVs and flipping tenses. 'Susan' and 'her' became 'you', and past becomes present and back and forth.

You think I'm just being picky? Fine. Just pointing out the most glaring troubles...

... starting to read your story - and then you just had to totally ruin it for me!

"... I said with a smile.

You turned your head ..."

The absolute 100% TURN OFF!!

You just had to try to make out that I, the "Reader", was a participant!!

I KNOW I WAS NOT and therefore your story immediately lost any semblance of believability and, with the loss of believability, away went any interest to me!

My dear co-anons: Please leave a little bit of freedom for an author. At least on Literotica. If his/hers phantasy is a zippless fuck like this, a comment like "unrealistic" is simply in-adequate.

And if the author uses the second person to tell his story, this is his damned right. You may like it, or not.

On the other hand everyone of us is free not to read an author we dislike his style or his stories.

Great little story! Short and to the point without all the unnecessary BS most of the writers here think is mandatory...

Don't get discouraged by the comments. I don't question any plot, all thing are possible depending on the person's needs and the situation.

Your tenses and style need a little work, but all new authors need to practice.

Thanks. keep writing.

The author has the right to write his story however they want. Having a comment section give me the read the right to comment on said story. That said. It doesn't give the person the right to abuse it. An architect has the right to design his building anyway he feels like. Designing it without doors or window, with no way of living in said building is rather pointless and said architect will never get another building to design.

I, like a lot of your readers, stopped reading when you went to second person. It was like hitting a solid brick wall when I thought it was a door. Using second person in a story like this is against the rules. My name isn't Susan as your story implies, I'm not heterosexual as your story implies. Not that this should bother you, but think about it there are other MEN reading this story. Do you expect them to put themselves into the role of Susan as you seem to expect, just so you can do your own thing and flaunt the rules.

The reason human-beings have evolved as far as we have is because we have developed an efficient way of communicating. But that communication has rules, when communicating in the written word, you need,to follow some simple rules, do so and you will be praised as an author. Follow your own rules and keep doing it wrong, you may as well hang up your pen because you're not much more than a monkey scratching illegible symbols in the dirt.

If people can't live in a house, then it's ridiculous to build it. For the same reason if we can't finish your story because it makes little sense, then what's the point?

Amanda

The plot idea is good, but your storytelling needs a lot of work. Over 30 of the paras start with "I", never a sign of a well told story.

Stories written in the first person are hard to write and make it difficult to keep the audience's attention. It was hard to read after a minute or two.

Try again, but this time put it in the third person and more people will enjoy it.

I imagine some of the comments seem harsh, but for the most part, they are exactly what you should be looking for as a new author. IMHO you are lucky to get them.

Comments serve multiple purposes, two of the most valuable are: 1) Does the story work for the audience, and 2) How could it be improved.

Writing in 2nd person is difficult. In erotica, it typically alienates half your audience. No guy reading the story wants to be told his pussy is clenching your cock. Changing POV in such a short story is very distracting. The feedback is dead-on.

There was nothing wrong with the writing, it was well above average, well edited, and you had a fun little story to tell. Now you can read the comments and take them one of two ways - you can be upset that people are slamming your story, or you can look at the criticism as constructive, and work with it.

I'm convinced from this effort you can write a good tale worth reading. The only way to get better is to write, with a critical eye toward improving. I know it took me 10 years of posting on here to get to the point where I was proud of some of the stories I wrote. I know, I'm slow, but I'm working to improve. I hope you do as well. We can always use more good writers on Lit - I read more than I write, and am always looking for another rising author to pin my hopes on.

Congratulations on your first story, and I hope it isn't your last.

TTT

All I want to know is what make of car were you in?? That was one large back seat. Thanks for sharing.

Or in this case Susan. Why is this a LW story? I saw no mention of Susan being married. The writing is sound. The sentence structure was good. It could use some tension such as Susan's need to rush so she can hurry home, or her wrestling with her conscience. Maybe her phone rings! Overall it was fine. Please write more. I would love to read it. Thanks.

Sorry, it could have been so good if in 1st person or narrated, but 2nd person is creepy.

What TTT said. And several others providing valuable feedback. WtR (We the Readers) don't mind being a fly on the wall, but my genitalia KNOW I am NOT experiencing this fine moment. I would add ... let us suppose this actually DID happen to you. As you write the account, consider what the reader will tolerate as 'unlikely' and what will have them go back to the index to try to find a tale they can believe. If necessary, adjust DOWN - in other words ... again suppose this 'zipless fuck' really IS in your history. Consider having seen (and briefly mentioned your preferences) this MILF before! That small amount of familiarity will increase the plausibility a lot. Maybe not enough for every cynic, but better

3*. keep trying!

Just totally unreadable for me.