Possession

In the Heaven I see, God has absorbed all light into the black hole asphalt streets. They now act only as veins, washing the trash around the skeletons of once thriving businesses.

Angels beckon from shadowed alleyways selling dime bags of salvation that carry you away on clouds of cigarette smoke.

Heaven and Hell is Fremont Street in Las Vegas. 

It is light years away from the family oriented fun of the strip. Old town is the original sin. 

 David and I mix in with the debauchery of loud music, alcohol, and street performers. Only, it's difficult to tell the real perversion from the fake. Some are tall with strong roots reaching to the center of the Earth. Most are just plastic pieces trying to make the forest look full. 

Even then, it's all about money, and that's what makes sin available to begin with. 

It's our anniversary and the first time we have ever been away by ourselves in thirteen years. A wonderful opportunity to get him to try a hard drug for the first time in his life. 

I can be myself with him.

He doesn't hesitate to buy me the beige beaded bikini on the mannequin of a store window. Not after I promise to put it on and walk with the nightlife. I am an actual monster on Halloween and no one suspects a thing. 

 The piece has beads that dangle from the top and fall just below the bottoms and make an inviting see through skirt. 

No one blinks an eye, but I turn a few heads. Probably the knowing demons. They smile and continue on their way. We have met before. 

That awful white powder always went straight between my legs and made me do daring things. It's really not the fault of cocaine. It is always there.

My bare feet don't leave a trace as we walk. 

Our hotel room is almost as big as our house. David mentions the square footage of both more than a few times when we get back to the fifteenth floor palace. He's analytical and balances out my imagination. 

I'm a queen in a palace. 

 It's too much room for me, but I love the way the thick carpet feels as my feet sink in. Then again, when my knees do the same while we finish the lines on the table. I took the bikini bottoms off before we started and stuck my ass out as I leaned over the glass. 

I am temptation itself in physical form.  

 We share stories we had never discussed in all the time we have been together. I don't know why it took us this long, but we became closer in the privacy of our high. He loves when I talk about other men.

I told him about the time JJ was laying between my legs and I was rubbing my foot across his back while he ate me out. I had my husband's full attention and I could tell he was picturing the entire thing. 

JJ was terrible at the act, but at least he was willing. 

He licked the hole and missed the best part. His wife did an incredible job, but he needed help.

He didn't know how to read body language when I would moan and raise my hips when he accidentally found the spot. I doubt he would have done better with a map.

I was already laughing at knowing how the story would end. 

He made a spitting sound and pulled something out of his mouth. 

"Is that toilet paper?" 

My answer came in a laughter I could not contain. 

I laughed so hard I rolled off the bed. JJ was furious. 

I don't think anyone has truly appreciated me. 

David was trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard. The funniest part for him was thinking of me laughing that hard. 

I had already moved on. I needed him to be serious now.

I walked over to the couch by the open window and looked down at the people going in and out of the hotel. If they only knew. If they could only see. 

"You're going to have to eat this pussy," I told David after I balanced my toes on top of the brown leather and part the beads like I was a play about to begin. He is eagerly on his knees in front of me. 

I had also shared the story of my sister's most embarrassing moment. 

Keeping myself clean was a lesson I learned long ago from my younger sister, Nikki. 

Nobody wants to be the story of the girl who smelled up a room when the guy was taking her pants off. 

"I want you to put your face down there, but then I want you to want to do it again," I told more than one man. 

Still, there was a fine line between tasting like nothing and leaving your natural scent on a lover's face. 

"Pussy has a taste and I should taste pussy," Roland had argued before. 

There was a fine line indeed. 

It's still funny to me that David is submissive. Being 6 feet tall and 285 pounds, he could bend me into a pretzel and do whatever he wanted, and I couldn't do anything about it. He will if I ask, but a girl shouldn't have to ask. His tongue is oversized, just like the rest of him. It covers my pussy from thigh to thigh and I have to use my fingers to spread myself open until he's inside. There is the wetness. There is the trembling legs and the beginning of the loss of self control. 

"Bend me over in front of the window and fuck me," I tell him. 

I hate that I have to ask, but he does it without hesitation.

I watch our reflections as he strips the top off of me and covers my small breasts with his powerful hands.

 "Arch your back, stupid," I hear a voice from my past and I feel a forgotten hand use its full strength to press down on my raised ass. 

I was trying to keep him from hitting bottom. I don't think he cared what I was trying to do. 

That is Nate behind me. 

My soon to be second husband. 

He is in control now.

The drug had my mind everywhere and anywhere. 

I want to think of terrible things to get off. 

Even when Nate knew I was leaving him, it had to be on his terms. 

I can't help but think of times I wasn't in control. 

That is my head on the bed, just off the pillow. It's easy not to care about anything in this position. 

I was an old soul at twenty-five then. I knew my place.

Screaming and moaning over the sounds of our skin slapping together. Nothing at all made up or acting in order to make him feel better. I won't do that for a man. I would rather just not fuck you again if I didn't enjoy it. 

I prefer an honest reaction and his cock made me unable to tell a lie. 

 I am trying as hard as I can to turn enough to see him. I love the contrast of his black abs over my white ass. His long, dark fingers leaving marks and his thumb lubed from my pussy and rubbing at my asshole. 

I hated my sweat soaked hair getting in the way. He doesn't mind pulling it for me, as if he already knew what I needed. I needed to watch him. 

Nate was nothing like David and I don't know how they were friends other than they worked in the coal mine together. 

 Nate was a chiseled masterpiece of a black man who reminded everyone of who they were. They were below him. David, if anything at all, was the dust under the shadow he left on the ground. 

"Black will always win when mixed with white," he said one drunken night after our son was born. "We'll all be the same color one day and nobody will hate" 

I wanted to have all of his babies. 

I felt sorry for David when I first met him. 

It is difficult to be both a bleeding-heart empath and also a raging misanthrope. Yet, somehow, I have always pulled it off beautifully. 

David was polite and charming at the same time. A walking contradiction of milquetoast and shyness. 

He didn't even know how to come onto me. 

Nate pushed us together while David was our houseguest. He lived with us while he was getting divorced from his wife and had nowhere else to go. 

I played my part. The helpless female.

I pretended to be interested. 

A kiss will tell you a lot about a person. 

If you are listening, that is. 

Some of them are asking if you want to. The good ones are telling you that you are about to get fucked. 

I waited forever for David to make his move as we watched television on the couch. I didn't know how much more obvious I could make it. David was worried about me being okay with the situation that he and Nate had worked out. He still worries about my feelings.

Nate closed the door and went to bed.

Honestly, the only thing that interested me about the situation was I was being passed along to someone else. 

I knew before he did what was going to happen. His shy expression that could be mistaken as just another lost look of not knowing what to do is what gave me hope.

I kissed him. He knew then that he was going to fuck me. I saw all the times he had been to the house and looked through me and imagined fucking me. 

His large body took up most of the loveseat and held my tiny frame close to keep me from falling off. I was not going anywhere ever again.

I contorted myself to the position I wanted, so he had to be in control. 

Hooking his arm between my legs and bringing one of my legs up over my head as I felt him deep inside me. The rush of penetration rivaled by my ass slamming back against him.  

"I always wanted to fuck you," he said. "When did you know you wanted to fuck me?"

"I still don't want to fuck you," I answered. 

He liked that, and it made me comfortable enough to laugh.

He knew that was not true, but it was what he needed to hear. 

I let him see through me more. 

 Behind my flushed cheeks and through my glazed over eyes. He knew that look of finally getting something you so desperately needed and had fantasized about forever. 

I shifted my weight and let my head relax on his arm. All the anxiety and stress was leaving my body. 

It was liberating knowing that Nate was that close.

 I put my hand behind me and gently touched his muscular arm. I could see my foot dangling in the air, carefree, like it belonged nowhere else. 

Coming over to visit and sitting on the loveseat we were now twisted on seemed a lifetime ago. 

 The sweat slowly ran off our bodies and left a coolness in the morning light.

 I lived for this feeling. 

Every time I had cheated on my husbands the rush came back to me. I thought I was giving away control, but I was always had it.

 It was a time to be who I really was. I was not the quiet tomboy mother who liked nothing else but working in the yard and watching kids. I was a beautiful woman and could not show that through my jeans and hoodies. Sex could never satisfy me for more than a moment, and that was not a bad thing.

Reaching my hand to his cheek and kissing him only made it worse. His sudden slow movements into me only made me hungrier for another. I could never be high enough. Not then and certainly not now with the neon lights of Vegas in front of us. 

I wanted the moment to go on forever.

"Cum in me, David!" I ordered him then, like I ordered him now. 

His grip on the back of my neck tightened, and I heard his deep groan travel the length of my body from my toes to the top of my head. 

 I never knew how lucky I was that he could smile like that. I watched him in the reflection as he came.

I love control.

Still, I miss being a possession. I miss not having it.

Now I see me.