Punch and Judy

"Listen and see. You want everything your own way and won't change to make things work. You're inflexible and must learn to be open to new experiences."

"That's not fair. And I don't want an open marriage."

Howard couldn't forget Judy's taunt, that he was dull. She'd always mocked him when he did something she thought timid or unimaginative, but this was different. He thought she admired his calm and reliable approach to life, but now it was boring. It made him angry, perhaps because he knew it might be true. But Judy was frequently manic and overwrought, sometimes depressed and self-loathing and he thought he provided the stability and good sense in their marriage.

This led to another thought. He sat down sharply and took a deep breath. For the whole of the Marcus business Judy had been relaxed and happy. The affair was a flight of fancy, but her happiness was real. However, in the last few days she'd been a little manic - burning dinner, leaving a trail of muddle through the house and forgetting important meetings. He did his best to pick up the pieces, but now he couldn't forget the idea that this made him dull.

Howard was relieved when the diary vanished. Now he could relax, confident that Judy was not about to shock him with one of her literary flights of fancy. He shivered, recalling how expert she'd become at striking his funny bone with every blow of her imagination. All the same, he did miss the adventurous sex.

Now he did a little teasing of his own, prompted to take a dig in retaliation for the days when he'd suffered. One evening, over dinner, he asked: "Seen anything of Marcus?"

There was a tiny victory is seeing how the unexpected question shocked Judy. She had to think before she replied.

"He's a figment of my imagination. Yes? Anyway, it's over. We agreed. Unless you want me to go out and find another lover."

"No way."

"Forget about Marcus."

Then one Saturday, when they were out shopping in a nearby mall and had stopped for coffee in a little square with a chiming clock, he noticed someone who looked like Marcus and pointed him out.

"He's just as handsome as your phantom lover. You don't fancy chatting him up?"

Again she had to think before she answered. "Be careful what you wish for Howard. I may do just that. Except he's not my type. His ears are too big."

"See. You haven't the nerve."

"Have it your way. You really think I want to spend my leisure chatting up strangers. One dull swain is quite enough for me."

The next Saturday Howard was shopping alone in the retail mall while Judy was having her hair done. He reached the same spot as the week before under the chiming clock and immediately spotted the man with the too-big ears. At least, that's what he thought. Then a rush of pain and jealousy warned him it wasn't the man with big ears; it was the man he least wanted to meet - the man he'd been introduced to as 'Marcus'.

Howard was about to slip away among the crowd of shoppers when he had second thoughts. Why not take advantage of this chance meeting to get answers to all his questions? Without time to get back into the part or prepare a script the truth would be evident. But it needed all Howard's courage to walk over and greet his nemesis.

"Remember me? We've met before." The man looked up, surprised. "Seen anything of Judy recently?"

Clearly he recognised Howard and was nervous and cautious when he spoke. "I'm surprised you came to speak to me. Judy ended the affair. You know that. I've not seen her for weeks. How is she?"

"She's very well. Much better for not making up stories about you. Now forget the acting. You know Judy from work or somewhere similar. She set you up to play a part. There's no reason to deny it now."

He shook his head wearily. "I've no idea what you mean. I don't know where she works. We met waiting for a train. I though she told you that."

"That's the story."

"It's the truth."

Howard wanted to laugh at him. Then he had another thought: this meeting could have been arranged. Judy knew where Howard would be shopping and roughly at what time. Her false Marcus had been dragooned into turning out once more to play the bumptious lover. Was she playing the game once more? Howard felt the blood drain from his face and he wanted to sit down. But the man gave him no chance to speak and there was no escape.

"Your twisted way of seeing things is unbearable. I really miss Judy and I want her back. We were so happy. You should have had more imagination and seen the beauty in what happened. It was a once in a lifetime chance to be happy and you let your jealousy stop us."

Howard shook his head, bewildered by this outburst.

"You still don't believe me?" the man demanded. He took out his phone and fiddled with it. After a long pause, he handed it to Howard. Prepared for the worst, Howard was shocked speechless. Filling the screen was a picture of Judy naked. She was leaning back against the pillows of a hotel bed, the coverlet drawn back to show the mauve sheets. She was grinning cheekily into the camera, her legs crossed at the ankle.

"See? She loves it when I admire her looks. She needs me."

Howard thrust the phone into the man's hands and fled.

He didn't mention meeting Marcus to Judy and she said nothing. It may have been his imagination, but that night their lovemaking was more intense and passionate than it had been for weeks. He took that as confirmation that he'd been set up.

He thought about the picture on the phone. In spite of his agitation, he'd noted the date on the picture. It was the memorable day he'd been taken to meet Marcus at the hotel. Judy must have taken the chance to acquire the incriminating picture. With a time delay and a suitable place to stand the phone, her co-conspirator need not even have been in the room. And yet she'd shared a nude picture of herself with him.

Meeting Marcus continued to trouble Howard, especially the man's outburst of feelings. Eventually he had to raise it with Judy.

"Tell me. What were your feelings for Marcus? Did you love him?"

"You mean my fantasy lover? I was very fond of him. Maybe that was love. We were good company for one another and loved being together. That's why I ended it eventually. We were bonding too closely. It meant too much to both of us."

He was back where the game had started. This had the sound of a new, more vicious tease and he had no way of escaping its clammy touch.

Neither mentioned Marcus again, but they had highly charged sex every night for a week. Howard concentrated hard to avoid thinking about what this might mean, but he saw Judy with fresh eyes. She was a free spirit who wandered where she pleased, but was happy to lean on him when she needed strength.

Her naked picture was a permanent presence. At one point after they had made love, she lay back on the bed in the pose from the picture. It was as if she wanted to remind him of that shocking day at the hotel. That is, if she knew that 'Marcus' had shown him the picture.

A couple of times a month Judy worked as a volunteer for a charity. Donations of unsaleable food were collected from retailers and sent from the charity's warehouse to food banks and other worthy causes. It was something Judy had signed up to do while in a hyperactive period, wanting to fill every moment of her day with effort. But she'd stayed committed and managed a regular shift. Once or twice Howard helped out too. It was something they could do together.

A week after Howard's meeting with 'Marcus' she asked him to help during her shift at the distribution centre. He was pleased to be asked and dressed in old clothes, knowing he'd have to work hard. Judy had her usual job in the kitchen. Howard asked Kevin, the shift supervisor, where he should work.

"What can you do?"

"I'm a statistician who analyses big data."

"Are you volunteering here to pay off your sins?"

"I'd like some hard work."

"Better work in the yard then with Brendan."

Kevin set Howard to sort a pallet of damaged crates to salvage eatable cabbages and onions. It was good to be outdoors and he worked alone with only the fork lift truck whizzing about the yard to keep him company.

After a bit the fork lift driver stopped and asked if Howard wanted him to move some pallets out of the way. He had greasy long hair and ear rings and watched Howard as if to say that he knew how to do the job properly.

"You're Judy's husband," said the young man after watching for a while. "I'm Brendan. It's fun here when Judy's working. We get on fine and the shift goes quicker."

"That's good," replied Howard non-commitally.

"That'll take you another hour. Then there's more fresh vegetable needs sorting down the far end of the yard."

"I'll ask the supervisor when I'm done."

"I'm going for lunch. Maybe Judy will have something with me."

"I shouldn't think so."

"You want to bet?"

Brendan sped off to the far end of the yard, leaving Howard confused and upset. What was Judy up to now? This couldn't be another game, could it? He watched Brendan fiddling with his truck, washing the windscreen and refixing the damaged seat cushion. Unable to contain his anxiety, Howard took a break and wandered through the kitchen on the way to the toilet. A few women were packing meat pies fresh from the oven. Judy was at the far end. They grinned at one another.

"You going to have lunch?" he asked.

"You know Brendon? Isn't he gorgeous? And so young. He wants to take me to lunch, to a place he knows in the market. You don't mind do you?"

Howard was stunned and scrambled for words while Judy smiled as if she'd said something nice to him.

"We're here to work. I wouldn't do that."

"Brendon said he'd spoken to you and you're fine with it. We shan't be long. I'll work better when I've eaten."

"I'm busy so I'll keep working. I don't need to eat now."

Howard walked away to hide his feelings and went back to work. In the yard the truck driver, Brendon, had gone.

Half an hour later Judy was back. She came to the door of the yard and waved. Then Brendan appeared and raced round the yard with his truck, loading empty pallets onto a trailer and speeding past Howard too close for comfort. After a bit he vanished again.

Howard continued working on the last crate of vegetables. When he was finished, he straightened and looked round, gripped by a sudden thought. He walked past the pallets waiting to be broken open and the goods sorted into their place in the warehouse. No sign of anyone. The fork lift truck stood idle.

He went back into the warehouse and wandered along the aisles between the stacks of food. He saw nobody. He looked into the kitchen and Judy was missing. Suddenly he began to run and sprinted down the aisle, peered into the offices when the paperwork was handled and into the reception area where visitors sat. A few volunteers looked up to watch his frantic progress, but there was no sign of Judy or Brendon. He came to a little office used by the quality supervisors. The door was closed and didn't open when he pulled the handle. He pushed hard, then banged on the door, then kicked it. There was no sound from inside. He rushed onward, into the yard and ran to the far end. He was out of breath and sweating, hair stuck to his forehead. Abruptly he stopped running. There was Judy, flushed and a little grubby, as if she'd been crawling about the warehouse floor.

"Finished?" she asked brightly.

"I was looking for you everywhere. Where have you been?"

"You should have shouted for me. I went into the warehouse to help Brendon find something."

"You weren't in the quality control office then?"

She looked hard at him and laughed. "Oh Howard! Is that what you think? Maybe I was. What do you imagine I was doing?"

He shrugged miserably. "I don't know."

Confused and troubled he wandered back to the yard. As he passed the washrooms the door opened. It was a new shock: Judy's 'Marcus' came out. Both halted and stared belligerently.

"I don't want to speak to you. Go away," said Marcus.

"What are you doing here?"

"I've as much right to help out here as anyone. Judy suggested it first, but now I come because I want to."

"To hang around Judy."

"To help out the poor. But think whatever you want."

"Well you've been supplanted. There's a younger, slimmer, trendier model of lover called Brendon who lurks in the yard."

"Yes? Who's the fantasist now? You've gone mad."

"Maybe."

Marcus snarled and turned away. If his anger and hostility were acting, he was a champion. Howard staggered along the aisle as if he'd been knocked down and concussed. Was he going mad? Back in the yard he started work on another pallet of vegetables. He disturbed a layer of rotten broccoli which stank like a cesspool and made him feel sick. He worked on doggedly, unable to think.

Then Brendon was there, grinning in his superior way.

"Those greens are finished. You want to chuck the lot. There's new stock I can bring over for you."

"I'm fine. You go chuck yourself."

"No need to be nasty. Only trying to help."

Throwing down the crate he was working on, Howard went to find Kevin.

"I'm leaving now. I've done as much as I can."

"I was expecting two hours more work. What's the matter?" demanded Kevin, harassed and used to losing volunteer workers without warning. "You sick or something?"

"Something like that."

"Well go if you must, but stop looking so miserable. Take a break. Do something different. Find out what you like doing. Don't accept second best. Come back when you've sorted yourself out."

"You took your own advice and ended up working in this miserable place?"

"People need me to do this. That's enough for me."

"Nobody needs me."

"Bullshit. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get on with your life. And leave Judy here. I want more from her before she goes."

They were disturbed by a tearing sound followed by a shattering crash from the yard. Both stepped outside to see what had happened. Brendan must have raced round the yard in a show of extreme fork lift driving and had clipped the edge of a stack, bringing down a couple of pallets of bottled cooking sauces. Broken glass and oily red and green pasta dressing formed rivulets round their feet.

Standing yards from this was Marcus, face white and drawn. Brendon has spun off down the yard, but turned his truck and came back when he saw Kevin.

"No problem here boss. Slight miscalculation. Soon clear it up. Howard can help."

"He did that on purpose," said Marcus. "He drove straight at me and swerved into the stack at the last moment. This would have fallen on me if I hadn't jumped out of the way."

"Lies," said Brendan.

"Why would Brendon do that?" demanded Kevin.

"The bastard's trying to steal my girlfriend. He wants me out of the way."

"Judy's nothing to do with you. She jokes about you," said Brendan.

"She and I are lovers," said Marcus.

"Don't make me laugh," said Brendon. "She's mad about me."

Judy arrived looking tearful.

"Stop it at once, all of you. I won't stand for brutish behaviour. If my husband can behave like a gentleman you can too. Brendan what were you thinking? And Marcus, I thought better of you. Behave yourselves."

"What's going on here?" asked Howard unnecessarily.

"I'm not having any nonsense on my shift," announced Kevin. "You need to calm things Judy. You're upsetting my volunteers."

"I'm sorry Kevin. I'll make it up to you later."

"You needn't have said that." Kevin turned to Howard, embarrassed and shaking his head. "Judy's a joker. It's upsetting everyone."

"You're right, but this is your mess. You're in charge. I've had enough."

"Quite right. Brendan, you're suspended for the rest of the shift."

"Boss, I need my wage."

"Marcus, you're sacked. I don't want to see you again."

"You can't do that. I'm a volunteer."

"I can and I've done it. Judy, you stay in the kitchen where I can keep my eye on you."

"Howard, please don't go," said Judy. "This is a mistake. Let's see this through together."

Howard hadn't a clue what had actually happened, but he knew things had to change.

"You win Judy. I'm leaving now. You stay and help your friends. I shan't be home when you're done."

"Don't be an idiot," said Brendon. "The joke's on you. Judy's an amazing prankster."

"Don't leave. The play's not over yet."

"Everybody calm down," said Kevin. "We have a business to run. This isn't a game."

"Speak for yourself lecher," said Marcus.

Howard wanted to hit one of the clowns. It required a huge effort, but he shrugged and turned away. There were no answers here and nothing to be gained by joining in the madness. The truth was unavailable. He tried to concentrate on what he should do and could think of nothing apart from punishing Judy, which was pointless. Let her play her games alone and maybe she would discover that they did her no good. He wanted a predictable, relaxing life with a wife who was there when he needed her. He didn't want to fight for Judy, at least not in the way she wanted. Maybe he was being unrealistic, but it was what he wanted and needed. His part in the drama, whatever that had been, was done.

THE END