Real Men Don't Dust

"Gina, you are still as beautiful as ever."

"Then I must not have been that attractive before because I'm sure not attractive now."

"Nonsense. Not a woman in this room comes close to the way you look to me."

"Ryan, there's only three women here."

"I didn't even notice any other women once I saw you. How have you been, Gina?"

"Damn, you always had a way with words. Now, we've got two long stories to tell. Who first?"

"It will have to be you. I can barely remember my own name right now."

She laughed. "Okay. We're too old not to tell the truth so, here it is. You asked how I have been. Well, it's been a shitty life for me. The first few years of life with Dale were okay. He had some strange, new mannerisms I attributed to his military service. One included going out every weekend and getting drunk with his buddies. We seldom made love, but he fucked me regularly and roughly. I made the mistake of saying he needed to see someone. That cost me a black eye and several bruises.

"Instead of leaving him, I decided to stick it out. I confess, it wasn't for love or loyalty to our wedding vows so much as it was to avoid embarrassment. I couldn't face Mom and Dad, you or my friends and admit I made a mistake. I stood by Dale through being kicked out of the military, bailing him out of jail for drunk and disorderly, driving him to work because his driver's license was revoked, and the abuse: physical, sexual, emotional and verbal. My self-esteem was as they say, 'lower than whale shit.' Luckily, a girl friend whose husband had behaved similarly got me to her therapist. I was able to survive as Dale's wife and punching bag until he finally got killed while drinking. I thank God he didn't kill someone else too.

As she reached across the table and grabbed my hand, Gina confessed, "Ryan, I came when I found out that you and Cynthia were separated. I came back home specifically to see you. I wanted you to know that you had another option.

"Ryan, my experience with you is the last positive experience with a man I have had. What a sad commentary on my life. Over the years, I thought of you often. In high school, you were always there for me no matter how poorly I treated you. When I decided I wanted to start my new life with a positive experience, here I came, hopeful for a positive experience with you again. I hope that tonight I'll get an idea of what my chances are. It's your turn now." Her eyes were teared up.

I told her of my life with Cynthia and the incidents leading up to their separation and possible divorce. I said that I had not really thought of any desirable alternatives other than going back to Cynthia and hoping she did not betray me again.

I choked down the lump coming up my throat before saying, "When you called, I suddenly realized I might have more options than I thought even if you and I do not see each other again after tonight."

"Ryan, do you want to see more of me? The honest side of me says you would be a fool to trust me after I dumped you once. The selfish side of me is hoping you take the chance again. I have a lot of making up to do."

"God, yes."

"Would you come with me to my room right now?"

"Are you sure? Even though we are legally separated, Cynthia and I are not divorced. I don't know if you were hoping we could have sex, but I can't while I am still married. Believe me it's not that I want to turn you down."

"I was just going to play it by ear. If you're not comfortable having sex, I won't try to tempt you. At least not too much."

The two of us made it up to her room before Gina said, "I need you to hold me." It was two hours before we stopped hugging and kissing.

I looked over at Gina. "I could get used to that. How long are you going to stay in town?"

"Until you don't want me."

"The problem is, I'm not sure what I want."

"Ryan, if there is a chance for us, I want to take it. Do what you need to do to make up your mind. I'll go back home and wait for your call. Just so you are sure where I stand, I want to be with you. I'm not saying we have to get married."

I knew I needed to make up my mind about Cynthia. I just couldn't force myself to call her.

"Ryan, where are you? I thought you were going to start bringing over your stuff last night. There's no rush, but I was hoping to be in the same house with you as soon as possible."

"Cynthia, my plans have changed. I'm not moving back, at least not yet."

"What? I thought we had talked through all this. I have had no contact with Thomas or any other man. Is there something else you have decided I need to do to get you to come home? Just tell me."

"Well, I have come to believe there might be an acceptable life for me without you after all. No matter how often I tell myself you might have changed, there's the nagging doubt that you might want to find another boy-toy to play with. I couldn't stand a second broken heart."

"Ryan, I don't know how I can tell you in any stronger terms that my looking for another man will never happen again. Just like I know you will never . . . Oh my goodness, that's it. You've found a new woman, haven't you?"

"Well, I have just developed an interest in one particular woman, but she's not really a new woman. Gina came back and we're going to date."

"Gina? Gina Woodard? I mean Gina Stallings. You mean she is divorced from Dale?"

"Widowed."

"Ryan, she dumped you once for Dale. She broke your damn engagement for God's sake. How do you know she won't do it again? How can you doubt me cheating on you and not doubt her dumping you again? This doesn't make any sense unless you are just plain horny, and I can take care of that. Please Ryan, come home. Things were just getting better between us."

"I'm sorry, Cynthia. I'm not sure where things will go with Gina, but I know I cannot try to repair our marriage the way I'm feeling now. I need to be with her enough to see if being with her feels . . . different from what I feel about you right now."

"Well, fuck you to hell. I don't have a chance now that your FIRST choice is back. I'll have a big laugh when she dumps your ass again. I won't suffer one little bit. I lied about not seeing anyone. One of the other men at work was turned on when he heard that Thomas and I had had an affair. He asked me out and god he is good in bed. Much better than the pathetic activity you called 'making love.'"

Cynthia cried even more than I had ever heard before. She finally said, "As soon as you said Gina, I knew I didn't have a chance. You have always felt I was a poor substitute for the one you really wanted. At least I won't waste any more time on someone I was never his first choice."

I called my lawyer and told him to push for settling the divorce as soon as possible. I told him I was willing to be more than fair with her, especially the house. Cynthia did not fight back very hard. My lawyer thought she felt my concessions were proof of her 'winning' the divorce. I didn't care. In a few months, I would be divorced.

While Gina and I were not living in the same city, I received several invitations for dinner and more from some of women I knew. A couple were married. I was not interested. I only had one person in mind. Gina returned to her home and decided to sell her house and get other things in order to give her more flexibility in her choices. We talked every night and alternated weekends seeing each other in person.

One night over the phone, Gina asked, "Ryan, I've about taken care of all I need to move. Did you find an apartment for me?"

"No. I didn't even look."

"Does that mean you don't want me to come at all?"

"No. It means that I want you to stay at OUR place."

"Oh. I guess I can handle that."

"Well, there is one thing we need to take care of."

"What's that?"

"I don't want to put two different names on the mailbox."

"Gee Ryan, how could we possibly handle that?"

"I guess we could get married and share a last name."

"That's one possible solution. Another would be for me to shoot you for beating around the bush. Now, propose to me, damn it!"

"Gina, will you . . . "

"YES."

I didn't think she would stop crying when I told her that the engagement ring I had for her was the one I had given her and then held on to for over almost 15 years. Then I agreed for us to find one that was more up-to-date and had a diamond you could see without a magnifying glass.

"Ryan, I will marry you. I had been thinking that I wasted all those years on Dale. Now, I think that it wasn't our time then. We both had to clear the way for us to be together. My darling, I pledge with all my heart an unconditional love to last us for the rest of our lives."

"You don't know how happy that makes me to hear that. I'm sorry but, I can't say exactly the same thing, Gina. I'm afraid I have one important condition for our marriage."

"Really. And what, pray tell, is that?"

"I get to dust the furniture."

"Huh?"