Remembering Anita

I held her lifeless body in my arms for two solid solid hours as I sank into the blackness of a grief so profound that I was beyond tears. It was months before I could cry for Anita. Only a serendipitous knock at the door stopped me from seeking the blackness of the grave by ending my own life. It was a visiting nurse come to check on Anita, I had forgotten about the appointment. I reluctantly released Anita's body and let the nurse in. She gave me a mild sedative and then we started in doing all the shit you have to do when someone dies.

Two months later the blackness was only getting deeper, so on my doctor's recommendation I joined a grief group It helped me enough that I didn't off myself, but I needed more help. In particular I needed to cry for Anita, but I just couldn't. But one month later I meet Melissa. She was ten years younger than me and a recent widow with two kids, a boy and a girl. Her husband Joe had been been killed by a drunk driver two month before.

Over time as she shared in group I came to realize she had lost a once in ten thousand lifetimes love with Joe very similar to the one I had with Anita, and she came to realize that about me. Six weeks later, I asked her out for coffee and she readily agreed: we could understand each other in a way that the other group members couldn't, and maybe some private sharing about our lost loves could ease our pain.

It took a while, but in a month, the tears came. We were in the coffee shop sharing about our lost loves when we simultaneously broke into tears. Without thought, we embraced and I called her Anita and she called me Joe and all our grief came pouring out of us of us in rivers of tears. We held each other close for two hours. Then we went our separate ways, while continuing to cry. My tears went on for four solid days. But when the last teardrop fell, I was changed. The healing had begun, though I still had a very long way to go. I could now cry for Anita whenever I needed or wanted to, which was often, but not the relentless 24/7/365 of the dry tears I'd unknowingly been crying since Anita died.

Melissa and I became increasingly close, how could you not after the emotional intimacy we had shared? The was not a single sexual thought between us: neither of us were capable of thinking that way about about the other or anyone else on the planet.

The healing proceeded slowly but surely. The grief withdrew into the background of my consciousness until it was a sweet sadness that is its paradoxical way was a joy.

"Glorious sadness" indeed. Sarah M., you don't know the half of it, and I'll wager you know a helluva lot more about it than most folks. But I still had my bad days, and when I did Melissa would hold me close an let me cry until the hurt stopped hurting, whether for an hour or all day.

Melissa's healing followed a similar track to mine, And I would hold her close while she cried through a bad day. Our closeness was growing by leaps and bounds, to our mutual joy.

Fourth of July, 2002, the third anniversary of Anita's death, was one of my bad days. But Melissa did something different when we embraced--she grabbed my hands and placed them firmly on her 34C breasts and whispered to me, "its time." My mind spun out of control as I tried to process what was happening. But then I had a vision of the heavens opening and Anita smiling at me and saying, "Jeremy, I have you for eternity. Love Melissa for time. You both need it so badly and deserve it You have my blessing, my eternal lover." Every bit of my hesitation melted. Melissa and I kissed tenderly and then tore each other's clothes off and made passionate love.

After a very long time we finished our lovemaking and we sat down for a long talk. I told her about my vision of Anita and she told me that Joe had come to her in a dream the night before with pretty much the same message, plus a suggestion that she take the lead because he knew July fourth would be one of my bad days. We quickly came to the understanding that I could never replace Joe, and would never try, and likewise, she could never replace Anita and would never try. But within those limits, there were no limits to how much we could love each. For time-- eternity was spoken for. Facing this together with rigorous honesty made us love each other more.

I proposed to Melissa that night and she accepted. After all, we had been courting each other for nearly three years, though we didn't officially know it until that day.

Fast forward to 2018, Melissa and I are very much in love and the proud parents of five children, Melissa's two from her marriage to Joe, and a boy and and beautiful twin girls of our own. I adopted Melissa's kids from Joe, and all five of them get along very well with no regard to who is a full sibling and who is a half. The twins are identical and of course have a special bond.

My life is coming to an end. Cancer has ravaged my colon and I won't live out the year. Melissa is caring for me with exquisite tenderness and kindness, as I pray a new love will do for her in the fullness of time. But I am at peace. I am grieving hard for the impending separation from Melissa and the kids, yet my heart leaps for joy: I know I'll soon be in Anita's arms again.

In Anita, I have been granted the greatest gift any man has been given since Jesus died on the cross. A gift I never deserved. But I will accept this precious gift, this glorious unmerited grace, and hold her tight in my arms for all eternity, and Satan himself shall have no power to break us apart. This I swear in the the Name of God the Father, and of God the Son, and of God the Holy Ghost. Amen.