Robbie Rob 01

Robbie Rob 01

"So, Kenny, did you go to a softball banquet or a dysfunctional family wedding, hmm? Either way, come in and please start with, huh, you stopped by to see me, Kenny?"

"Robbie Rob, damn, it was a dysfunctional family wedding. Is my eye swollen?"

Um, let's see, right folks? Think back, think back, yep, I recently washed my hands so I'm cooties free enough to tend to Kenny, who never, ever let me think that I didn't have funny boy cooties!

"Well, I actually wear that shade of red on my cheeks, Kenny. It helps make my face pop a little, but this is about you, so, duh, your eye is swelling, but what does the other guy look like then? And if you're bothered by my jammies, speak up now, so?"

"Stupid idiot wedding planners and their stupid idea to throw the garter belt after everyone had too many stupid cocktails and then were just too many stupid elbows and dudes and it was just stupid, Robbie Rob! Stupid, I say!"

"Alright, you'll live, Kenny. So, can I make you a cup of coffee or make you something to eat? And I'll definitely make you an ice pack. And thanks for calling me by my chosen name, Kenny. I didn't think I would hear that from you then."

"I mean, a snack with a bottle of water would be nice and your jammies don't bother me and I think we're running late on the eye ice pack, so?"

I mean, in hundreds of TV shows, I mean, they always just grab a bag of frozen peas from the freezer, right? Which is what I did. And LOL, Kenny must have watched the same TV shows as me because he didn't miss a beat when he placed the frozen bag of peas in just the right spot like he knew he was going to get a bag of frozen peas!

Which also gave me three minutes to freshen up my face! I mean, I had a visitor and it was after 10pm, so.

"Big snack, medium snack, little snack? Also, who knows that you are here then, Kenny?"

"Medium, if a grilled cheese is a medium snack and nobody knows that I'm here, but don't get mad about that, okay, Robbie Rob?"

Hah! Get mad, right? I get like two visitors a year! Oh, hi, I'm Robbie Rob and I pretty much gave up being Robert on the weekends long, long, ago, but in this galaxy.

[Weep]

"What do with 10pm visitor?"

[Whoop]

"Sex."

[Weep]

"It's Kenny!"

[Whoop]

"You're kidding?"

[Weep]

"Nope. Weird."

[Whoop]

"Suck his cock, RR."

[Weep]

"Seriously, Sandi????"

[Whoop]

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, gulp."

I mean, sometimes a phone should just be turned off, right?

[Whoop]

"U heard "gulp" part, right RR?"

I mean, sometimes a phone just belongs in your dresser drawer, right?

[Muffled Whoop]

"{Muffled gulp, yum, gulp, yum, gulp, gulp, ahh.}"

I mean, even with a late evening visitor, one should just close the bedroom door, right?

Also, LOL, a guy or any person holding up a bag of frozen peas to his eye, eating a grilled cheese sandwich and watching TV, right? That was priceless.

And it was also priceless when I asked him to remove his dress pants! And even more priceless when Kenny did just that, given how people like never seemed to matter much to him. Even though it took just a little convincing to get to that last priceless moment.

"I just want to spot clean them and straighten them out, Kenny. Or do you think that rental halls, where hundreds of people were walking around are sparkling clean then, hmm?"

"Well, I had a few cocktails, so."

Well, LOL, let me just say, stupid wedding planners who waited way to long to hold the throwing of the garter belt because of too many cocktails and that guy thing about rolling around on a floor of a rental hall where hundreds of people walked and danced around all night! And spilled cocktails and food! Stupid, I say!

And then let me say that I went stupid.

"[Mwah.]"

"Hey."

"[Mwah.]"

"Hey."

Eh, a small priceless moment price to pay! Two surprise smooches for only a "hey" and another "hey" back and no swollen eye, priceless! And he didn't run out either. And he could have because his boxer shorts were pretty modest.

"Did you want another sandwich while I spot clean these dress pants, Kenny? They're pretty quick to make, so?"

"Well, I burned up a lot of energy while wrestling around on the floor and the wedding food lacked a lot and don't get me started on the crackhead wait staff, so?"

"One more sandwich coming up and about seven smudges coming out."

And that time, he held still.

"[Mwah.]"

"Alright, alright, Robbie Rob, I'm watching two grown ass men in tights wrestle around with each other in the ring now, so."

"[Mwah.] Sorry, last smooch, Kenny, but I wear tights under my shorts all the time too. It's kind of a cute date outfit."

Ahh, I just threw that out there, just in case.

"Robbie Rob, do I hear a muffled phone buzzing and whooping?"

"Watch your grown ass men in tights wrestle around, Kenny."

[Muffled Whoop]

"{Muffled hate sex is real.}"

Actually, I searched that one and huh, it has a definition. It's a stupid definition, but if it's on Chang, then it must be true, right?

"Kenny, I am not at all complaining, but I'm still not sure what brought you to see me tonight? And I'm highlighting the "not complaining" part. I am pleased as punch that you're here, so your turn?"

"Robbie Rob, are you seriously going to go all "girl" on me and make me talk about stuff then? And those sandwiches, no matter how easy to make, were perfect, so."

"Oops, my bad with the personal connection stuff because I'm happy as pie that you're here. But I'm guessing that my sitting so close to you on the couch is okay then? And don't mind me as I reach across you, but I want to check the frozen status of the peas."

[Squeeze, squishy, squeeze, squishy]

"I'll get you another bag. Maybe green beans this time, okay, Kenny?"

"Okay, also, Robbie Rob, can I hate fuck you tonight?"

I mean, pause and when I say pause, you good people can rake the front yard or wash the car or have sex of your own then. There's plenty of time. But spoiler alert, nope! Real thing or not, nope!

"All in secret and private, Kenny? I mean, is a bad blow job the same as hate fucking then?"

See folks, I said there would be a "nope" in there. I just didn't think it would come from Kenny.

"Nope. I've teased you forever about the type of undies you wear and you've teased me forever with what type of undies wrap around you, so that bad blow job comes a little bit down the road. Also, FYI, there are no bad blow jobs and you would know that if you would ever just hook up with a damn girl! But I'm not speaking about tonight because tonight, well, can we hook up for hate sex or what then, Robbie Rob?"

Oh, the Crazy Eight Ball? In Kenny's favor. The dice? In Kenny's favor. High card pulled? In Kenny's favor. Sandi's muffled texts? Obviously, in Kenny's favor. Quick Chang survey? Duh. My reader's poll? Seriously, raw? Who does that? Or is there really a fuss about that (new poll released).

[Hump, uhf, uhf, ow, ow, ooh, uhf, oomph, hump, grind, hump, push, hump, grind, thump, slam]

"Oh, ooh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, ooh, I'm good, Kenny, oh, ooh, oh."

[Hump, uhf, uhf, ow, ow, ooh, uhf, oomph, hump, grind, hump, push, hump, grind, thump, slam]

"Oh, smash me, Kenny, into the mattress hard, oh, oh, wow, wow, oh ooh."

[Smash, smash, grind, hump, pump, pump, thrust, thrust, deep, deep, deep, thump, pump, push]

"Okay, okay, okay, ooh, ooh, oh, over, over, over, over."

Ahh, I meant let it be over, but Kenny heard "flip me over" I guess.

[Re-entry, pump, pump, oh snap, oh snap, ooh, ooh, oh, ow, ow, oops, ahh, ahh, oh, oh]

[Muffled Whoop]

"{Muffled hopefully it's over. Luv U, RR.}"

"(Wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.) I hate fucked you, Robbie Rob! Also, I still hear a muffled phone."

"Well, yes, yes, you did, but wait, that sounded like humiliation more than pleasure?????"

"Oh, no, no (wheeze, wheeze) it's an old bully thing. That was amazing! And ooh la, la tight! Also, I was never here, so watch your postings on Chang, Robbie Rob."

Um, hello, I still have a poll out for who removes the condom people? I don't have a current copy of the rule book! But he did it. So, whew. It also gave me just enough time to retrieve my phone from my dresser drawer, which I did naked! Because I was naked with a partner! Hate sex partner or not, I was finally naked and oh, the feel of other body warmth, right?

[Weep, weep, weep, weep]

"Kenny, that didn't kill me and I would never post that hate sex was my best sex. Or my first sex, but I'm a little worried for that bully thing and humiliation, so?????"

And then, SOB, he rolled another condom on! And I may or may not have had my phone camera aimed at the mirror.

"Ahh, I like it face down, Kenny, face me down!"

I don't know, it just felt right. Plus, I think I have the ass for that position and I could see things in the mirror as he smashed me into the bed and maybe it was a pretty cool stride, so.

[Hump, uhf, uhf, ow, ow, ooh, uhf, oomph, hump, grind, hump, push, hump, grind, thump, slam]

"Oh, ow, ow, the mirror, Kenny, the mirror, oh, oh, whew, whew, oh ooh."

[Smash, smash, grind, hump, pump, pump, thrust, thrust, deep, deep, deep, pound, pound, push]

"Aha, aha, that's a good bounce, Robbie Rob, but one eye, one eye, ooh, ooh, soon, soon, ahh, ahh."

And then "oops" again and that was okay. Not that I quick posted while he was wheezing and huffing and gasping for air about the ongoing hate sex or anything.

[Weep, weep, weep]

But here's the thing and someone should put this in a book or something. It was great, it was what hate sex should be, I think, I held my own, I think, but then, huh, when it was over well, it was over. And when I say over, it was 'thanks for the ice bags, the snacks and the hate sex, bye" and that was that, which seriously needs to be in a book somewhere, right?

End Robbie Rob 01