Rules are Made to be Broken Ch. 19

'And what about Amber?' he questions.

'Amber isn't exclusively yours in the first place. You've always known that.' I reply, desperately willing him to understand.

'Why does she even need to exist though? If you'd consider an exclusive arrangement, me taking care of you would be as much a part of our relationship as me testing your limits. Unless you,' he pauses, as if he's trying to find the right words, 'unless you enjoy leading your double life?' he looks at me with an expression I can't place. 'You said yourself, Jessica likes... what I like.'

I roll my eyes, trying hard to be patient.

'Sam, I do what I do because it makes me a lot of money very quickly. I see two or three clients a week and in those few hours as Amber I earn more than I would in a month of working in an office or a restaurant. I relish the independence and the freedom - I have no inclination to be a 'kept woman!'' He opens his mouth to protest but I hush him with a finger to his lips. 'Sam, you have to understand, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I'd never put my fate in anyone else's hands again. Well, not on a permanent basis anyway.' I add, realising the irony in my statement. 'For me, submitting has always been like therapy; making the conscious decision to let someone else call the shots is empowering, liberating even, and I do love the thrill of it, but when a scene's over and a client's time is up, I'm always ready to leave and take charge of my own destiny again.' I pause, trying to find the right words for what I want to say next.

'When I'm with you though,' I continue, cradling his neck in my hands, 'It's completely different. Every time I've submitted to you, I've wanted more. I love giving you control of my body; in the bedroom, in your playroom, anywhere. I want to be yours. I want to see where you'll take me, how you'll test my limits. NOT because it's a job, because It's intimate and intense and incredible, on so many levels, and I can't get enough.' He almost smiles, so I take a deep breath, go for broke and put all of my cards on the table.

'What really scares me though, is I want everything else with you too.' His eyes give nothing away, so I press myself closer to him and continue. 'Things I thought I was better off without. I want to wake up in your bed, go out for breakfast, go dancing...' I definitely get a hint of a smile, presumably as he's recalling our not-a-date at the Salsa club. 'Sam, you make me want it all. I want to be your submissive and your girlfriend.' I hold my breath, waiting for his response. I'm relieved when I see his gorgeous face break into a smile.

'I want all of that too Jess! And I get how scary it is - I never expected to want those things again, ever; until I met you.' He takes my hand and starts kissing my knuckles gently. 'I can give you all of that, say you'll be mine, only mine, and I swear I will be devoted to you and give you more pleasure than you ever thought possible.' My heart sinks again.

'That's the problem though isn't it, the exclusivity. I want you to dominate me in the bedroom Sam, and I want all the other stuff too, but I like my life, and I need the money I earn to maintain it.' I reply quietly.

'Jessica, I have more money than I know what to do with; let me take care of you! We'll make it work -- submit to me, only me, and I'll make sure you have everything you need to live the life you want and make all your dreams come true.' I shake my head.

'I want you Sam, not your money. We've known each other less than two weeks, letting you 'bankroll' my lifestyle would make me a trashy gold-digging whore -- literally! And I don't want to start our relationship like that! Besides, what if two months down the line you get bored, decide I'm not what you want? Where would I be then?' I ask, laying out my fears.

'Jessica, I've known from the moment I laid eyes on you that I wanted you to be mine. Only you. And if you ever talk about yourself that way again, I promise I will put you across my knee and it will not be about pleasure.' There's not a hint of humour in his words and they leave me momentarily speechless. When I do find my voice again, I reply;

'Can't you understand how much I hate the thought of being indebted to you? I don't want what we have to be some sort of business deal. It would put so much pressure on us right from the start.' His brow furrows in frustration. 'Maybe we're kidding ourselves.' I say softly, removing myself from him and perching on the side of the bed awkwardly. 'Maybe it's just too complicated, too fucked up. I can't give you what you want -- at least, not on the scale you want it. Maybe we should quit while we're ahead...before we end up hating each other.' I add in a small voice.

'Don't say that.' His voice sounds anxious, afraid even as he moves behind me, stretching his long legs either side of me so that his chest presses against my back. 'If you can separate Amber and real life, I can try to do the same. I don't want to quit you, Jessica. We'll figure it out.' He adds, wrapping me in his arms and kissing my neck.

'I don't want to quit you either' I answer truthfully.

This is what he does to me, makes me express the feelings that I'm scared to have. Admitting them, I feel more naked than ever, I'm exposed and vulnerable, yet with him, I feel safe. Part of me wishes I could just blindly accept his proposal; give myself to him completely. I have no problem letting him control my body, I'd submit to that for the rest of my life, but deep down I know I can't give him the same control of the rest of my life.

'So, Jessica is really all mine?' he whispers into my hair, and I nod, 'Then stay with me tonight?' he asks tenderly. 'I like my new bedroom better with you in it.' I smile as I turn my head to find his lips.

'Take me to bed.'

[Chapter 20 coming soon...]