All Comments on 'Sarah Ch. 01'

too formulaic

Can't wait to read about her being impregnated with black sperm. Then the thrill of a preg test and baby bump!

Why do guys read these types of stories when they know they don't like them . Whine , whine whine . Grow up . It's his story ( remember it's fiction ) so let him write what he wants . I like the basic story line and hope there is more to come . His writing style is a bit herky-jerky but that adds to the story line of a young couple riding on the different side of the road . Keep going Buster . I don't mind her getting preggers by the pool guy i just hope it takes more then one roll in the sack . Enjoy those oh so slippery and hot and wet sloppy seconds . If hubby does her right after the pool cleaner maybe the baby will be white .

A) don't listen to the trolls. Write what makes you happy

B) I'm still going to grade down because of two factors. First, the inconsistent jumping back and forth from first person to third person ("I" vs "Steve") tells me you wrote it in chunks and didn't really reread it.

Second, the dialog was stilted and formal in a way that I found jarring and took me out of the story. When you reread your story (and you should!), ask yourself, "is this really how people talk?" Just using contractions and a slightly less formal word selection will improve the story greatly.

Storyline could’ve worked if it was written in a more readable style. Tense and person jumps, together with pov shifts and a complete lack of a thread to follow, made this difficult.

I’ll bet our little troll 26thNC was drooling over the mention of a black cock.

26thNC you have others besides me that don't care for your snarky comments. #Buster2U

SandmanTruck is absolutely correct. 26thNC is a Troll. Read "A GATHERING OF TROLLS" for insight about him.

The inconsistencies with First Person narrative vs Third Person narrative make the story difficult to read. Also, you should be consistent about present tense or past tense.

I share your pregnancy risk fetish, but the husband seems to eager to risk it even for my taste.

In spite of my hopefully constructive criticism, 5 stars just to piss off the trolls.

To jest dział Kochające zony a nie opowiadanie o idiotach