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They gradually broke their kiss and held each other, foreheads pressed together and slowly opening their eyes to look at one another again.
"GET A ROOM!" a teenage cyclist shouted jokingly as he rode by.
They broke apart further, both feeling embarrassed, but still holding their arms together.
"What the fuck are we doing Jon?" she whispered.
"I don't know," was all he could think to reply.
She suddenly took her arms away and hugged herself, "I just...I can't."
He leaned back against the bench again, "If we were both single this would be the most amazing thing in my life," he said regretfully.
"Me too... But we're not," she said, her voice croaking with despair. "And I can't ask you to ruin your life for me. I... don't think I really want to ruin my own. I feel like such a child even thinking about it."
He sighed. "I... I think I sort of feel the same way, but even then..." he struggled for words, reaching out and touching her shoulder despite himself, but she pulled away and stood up.
She slowly stood up. "Look, I don't want to have to ghost you, or run from you or switch jobs or anything, but... we need to keep some distance. We need to figure our lives out. Figure our relationships out. We owe it to ourselves....and to them."
He stood up and faced her. "Okay," he said, disappointed, but not being able to argue. "If that's what you want."
"Is that what you want?" she asked, tears filling her eyes again.
"Not really, but... it's what we need. You're right. It's the right thing to do," he sighed. "I really care about you Carly."
Her body shook in a silent sob.
"I care about you, and what I want the most is for you to be happy, so if this is what it takes, I'm okay with that," he explained.
She fell forward and hugged him and he held her preciously as she cried into his shoulder. He fought back tears in his own eyes, but it was a losing battle. He wondered if this was the last time he'd ever get to hug her. The last time feeling her soft warmth against him, the last time he'd feel her head leaning on his shoulder, the last time smelling her hair. He didn't want to let go. She seemed to think the same as they stood there hugging silently.
Finally she sniffed and broke away. She looked up at him, hugging her arms around herself again.
"Just... don't start texting me a bunch or calling. I don't want to have to block you okay?" she said, wiping her eyes.
He nodded.
"Let's just be good... acquaintances," she said.
The look she gave him was less and less of longing and sadness, and more and more of trepidation and avoidance. His stomach was twisting again.
"Goodbye Jon," she said, stepping back.
"Goodbye Carly," he forced the words out, his voice sounding torn apart. A tear escaped down his cheek. She looked like she was going to break out in sobs again and instead turned quickly away and walked down the path without looking back.
He cleaned up the coffee cups and sat down on the bench again, feeling defeated and empty. He sat and watched her walk away, and out of his life.
**********
He gripped the steering wheel noticing the feel of it on his hands, noticing how his small subtle movements were translated into corrections of his vehicle's trajectory. The thought of how little effort it would take. A small jerk of his hands to the left, timed with the next passing semi-truck and that would be it. Fire, knotted metal, and annihilation. The end. He squeezed the steering wheel tighter at the thought. Almost afraid that his hands would act without his brain's express permission.
"I think we should ask if they'll let our decorator bring in their own tables and chairs. I'm just not sure I want to be stuck with the one's I'm seeing here as our only option," Elaina said, looking through her tablet in the passenger seat.
"Sure," he said, and took another long sip of his over-sized coffee.
He didn't want to think of how few hours of sleep he had gotten last night, the heartbreak of Carly's departure still ripping through him. He had taken a long time in the parking lot and again in his garage trying to compose himself, but Elaina had still asked if there had been another death when he walked through the door. He was tempted to lie and say yes, but blamed it on stress and lack of sleep. He had forgotten her exact words but they essentially had been a more eloquent version of 'just learn to deal with it'.
He really wished he had the moral high ground to justify his resentment of her then, but he was beginning to feel like he deserved every ounce of unhappiness that he was feeling.
He turned onto the exit and pulled up to the venue. She immediately started commenting on the parking lot size and the look of the outside. The ivy on the stone walls was apparently a nice touch. He felt like a numb sack of crap being dragged along for the ride. He nodded and answered an opinion where he had to, here and there, but it was all the same overwhelming poshness to him, with the details making no difference.
After the first venue they had lunch at a bistro that apparently was owned by one of the caterers she was considering, so it was like a test of sorts.
He ordered one of the soups and a pasta bowl that were both similar to possible dishes they might pick for the wedding.
He looked out the window as she talked. Her voice fading into the noise around them in his mind. He pictured himself just standing up and walking out. Just calmly and wordlessly walking away, with nothing but his wallet and his jacket. Buying a bus ticket and never coming back. He gripped the table and took a deep breath.
"Jon!"
He jolted back into reality.
"Were you listening to me?"
"I... No. I wasn't. Sorry."
"Drink some more coffee for Christ's sake. How little sleep have you been getting?"
"I... I dunno. I'm sorry," he replied, and grabbed the cup, his hand shaking slightly.
She looked at him quizzically for a moment, then her eyes turned to concern. She reached out and grasped both his hands across the table.
"Jon," she said seriously. "Jon look at me."
He looked. It wasn't just those gorgeous pools hypnotizing him as they had done so often before. There was something real shining out, like she was letting her walls come down.
"I need you," she said.
He could tell she meant it. She meant it in so many ways.
"I need you here... now, to be present, to help me, to be with me. Please. Can you do that?"
Maybe the coffee had finally kicked in, maybe the food had finally kicked his brain into gear, or was just that good, but in that moment he felt a clarity come over him. The last 24 hours of sulking seemed like a child's insolence. His beautiful, successful, intelligent wife-to-be was simply asking him to be excited for their engagement, and to take a minor role in planning it. He was acting like his world was unfair and worthless just because his fucking mistress had dumped him. He knew that was an inaccurate, simplistic way of putting it, but either way. Get over it. He thought to himself. Move on. This is what he had. Elaina was who he had. She was it. He should feel grateful to the stars and the moon that he had fallen ass backwards into her love and dedication. He needed to at least try to be happy with it, to at least try to make his life, their life, into the best he could.
"Yeah," He said, sounding like he had life in him suddenly. "Yeah honey I'm sorry I've been checked out all morning. It's not fair to you."
He squeezed her hands and she smiled.
"What were you talking about?" he asked, and started to listen intently.
They got the tour of the next venue and he was much more interested in things. He envisioned how the day would look, fully decorated, packed with family and friends. It did feel exciting. As she walked and talked and pointed things out, he imagined her in her wedding dress. She would be beyond beautiful, everyone's jaw would drop. He would be the luckiest man in the world that day, he told himself. He held her hand as they looked through the calendar of available dates. They told them they would let them know by tomorrow, and left smiling.
Afterwards they grabbed another coffee and took a walk in a nearby park. It was well manicured and they discussed it as a possible location for photos. He laughed as she took a few selfies as a 'test' and she admired the pictures and told him how handsome he was afterwards.
The drive back was quiet, but they sat comfortably hand-in-hand, as they headed to the restaurant for supper.
He thought more about himself and his life.
He thought back to his work at the inner-city clinics, and the people there. Many were more depressed and hopeless than he could imagine even now, but he thought again about the ones there who seemed to find meaning and motivation despite every bit of the world working against them. He thought about how he helped those people. It was always a given that nothing would be perfect. They could never afford every medicine you wanted to give them, they would never have the time or resources to go to every group or specialist or counselor you wanted them to see, but you worked with them anyway, doing what you could. You adapted. You did the best you could with the situation you were given.
That's what they were doing to survive, what he was doing to help them. That's all that you could ever do, and it was never perfect, but you didn't just give up.
It was what he needed to do now.
Elaina wasn't perfect. Neither was he. Far from it. Their life wasn't perfect, there were things that were unfulfilling, stressful, things that took way more effort than they should. So be it. Make what you can of it. Do the best you can with what you have. He wasn't sure he really had been.
He tried picturing himself as a patient and realized he'd only been half-assing trying to make his life better. All the advice he might give to someone like him about improving his mood and outlook, he needed to apply to himself. He gave himself some credit that he had been doing some things right. He just needed to reorient himself and focus on the things that were more adaptive.
He made a list in his head of what he would do. He would exercise more, he was already making some strides there. He would eat healthier, not that their diet was terrible but he would make more effort. He would find more creative outlets, dust off that guitar a bit more. He would try contacting more family and friends, people that were more supportive and positive in his life. He would find new and different ways of showing gratitude and affection to Elaina. She never seemed like she appreciated it, but he knew deep down she had to. Why was she still with him if not? She loved him in her own way, and he needed to find ways of seeing it more often. He would be a better husband. Despite what had happened he would forget it, move past it, and make himself into someone that deserved her.
As they drove, they had a brief conversation, but a crucial one, on agreeing which venue to choose. They had both liked the orchard estate the best and it was a quick agreement. It had one date left open in August. So, that would be their wedding date. Next year mid August. It was finally set. She beamed at him and squeezed his hand with pride.
He felt her hand trace up his arm playfully. Then it landed softly on his thigh and stayed there. Her fingers started to move and caress. She glanced at him with a smirk and he reached over to find her leg too. He started to get very turned on as she moved her hands and he grabbed her leg and massaged it more forcefully.
"Keep the car on the road honey," she said, taking her hand away.
"Wanna pull over?" he asked.
She chuckled, "Jonathon no, just take us to the restaurant."
He started to slow down and put his turn signal on.
"Come on it'll be fun, we've never done it in the backseat before."
"No. Keep going Jonathon, people might see us. Aren't you too tall for that to work anyway?" She glanced behind them.
"No we can make it work, we'll be quiet and careful not to rock the car too much."
He put the car in park and touched her leg again, sliding over her hip and ass.
"Jonathon, no. We're going to miss our reservation. My goodness, remind me never to touch your leg again while you're driving."
"Okay, sorry," he relented. "Just thought it'd be fun."
He put the car back in drive and headed off again.
The restaurant was a very high class steak joint. It was only about 15 minutes from their house, but they hadn't had a chance to eat there yet. Elaina had made the reservation, again because it was apparently under the same owner as another catering company that she was considering.
They sat down at a table and looked over the drink menu. She asked him what he wanted to try and said he was torn between two of the beers on tap.
She sighed, "Honey, I want you to start drinking more wine instead of beer, we need to make decisions on what we'll serve at the wedding."
"Why should I be the one choosing it if I'm not going to be drinking it?"
"What? Honey you are drinking wine at the wedding, I'm not having you sitting at our head table with a big clunky beer stein. It would be so out of place."
He didn't hate wine, he was just more of a beer guy. He looked at her and thought about arguing more...
"Okay. Well I'm probably gonna get a steak so I'll see which red she recommends," he relented.
"Thank you," she said with a satisfied smile.
Their drink orders were taken and they perused the menu.
He sipped the wine and admitted to himself it was pretty good. He almost spit it out though when his eyes fell upon one of the waitresses turning around at the other end of the room.
Beth.
He knew she still took shifts as a waitress occasionally, but he had never asked where.
She was dressed to the nines. He supposed all the waitresses were, really, it wasn't quite a uniform, but almost. Just like the rest she wore a black miniskirt that clung to the tops of her legs and ass, a tight black shirt that was like a second skin over her flat stomach and waist, and shaped smoothly over the contours of her breasts. The low neckline gave a very generous view of her cleavage. A white knitted half-sweater with short sleeves was open in front, draping over her shoulders and upper back and giving a taste of class to an outfit that otherwise screamed sex appeal.
He realized that despite noticing the way she dressed at the office, it was nothing compared to this. That was her dressing down. She must have been wearing a different type of bra because the way it pushed her breasts up was much more aggressive and accentuating of her size. Her makeup was all-out. Her eyes darkly defined with long lashes and a hint of glitter at the edges. Hot red lipstick, and her dark brown hair done up in a stylish messy-bun. He was sure she would bring traffic to a grinding halt if she walked outside.
He ignored her and focused on his menu, wondering if they could realistically go the whole meal without saying hello.
The decision was made for him a couple minutes later, when Elaina pointed her out and made a polite wave.
She walked up from behind him, saying a politely excited 'Hi'. He looked up at her, and her smiling face regarded him from above her prominent chest.
Elaina asked her how often she worked here, and she explained she just took on the occasional casual shift, usually on weekends. Elaina told her she looked absolutely stunning and that she must be having tips just flowing in. Beth giggled and thanked her, then asked if they wanted any suggestions. Elaina took her up on it and she recommended the steak-neptune saying it was one the specialties of their chef. Elaina insisted that Jon order that one, and he shrugged thinking it did sound good. Elaina said she was considering the mediterranean chicken, but Beth suggested the chicken curry which was apparently very flavourful. Elaina said she would think about it and Beth sauntered away to tend to her own tables.
"My goodness she's certainly pretty," Elaina said after she left.
Jon tactfully made no response, but noticed her eyes flit up at him.
"I suppose they all are here," she continued. "I mean they're all good at their job too, of course, but they're definitely turning heads as well."
"If you wanted to apply for a job I'm sure they'd hire you on the spot," Jon joked and smiled.
Elaina rolled her eyes.
"Your tips alone might pay for the pool," he ventured further, trying to get a smile out of her.
She smirked and then looked back the menu. "I thought you didn't want a pool," she said challengingly.
"A pool would be nice, I'm not denying that," he defended, "It just feels like a shame to tear up that garden, there's a lot of potential there."
"Well I don't think there's room for both. Maybe you could make a small box garden along the fence instead."
He shrugged.
Elaina ended up going with the mediterranean chicken. They put in their order and kept talking about the wedding. Next step was the save-the-date notices. She had long since designed the card, only the date was missing. She was not impressed that he didn't yet have all the addresses they needed. He said that he had email addresses for everyone at least and they could notify them that way, but she scoffed as if that missed the point entirely.
Their food came and the steak was absolutely delicious. Elaina commented that the chicken was slightly bland, but seemed to enjoy it nonetheless.
Beth wasn't their server, but still came around with two wine bottles and filled their glasses. Elaina tried to say that wasn't necessary but Beth poured anyway and said it was her treat, with a playful wink.
"My she's such a sweet girl," Elaina said after she left. "I actually grew quite fond of her at the party."
"That's... good to hear," Jon said, in genuine surprise.
"I confess, I partly wanted her there to measure her up, and at first I was quite resentful of the way she gobbled up the attention of you and rest of the men... but eventually we had a nice little private chat after supper, and I made sure she knows you're off limits. She took it with grace, and after talking with her I think I understand her a little better. Honestly, now I feel like if I met her back when I was her age we could've been good friends."
Jon had to concentrate hard not to choke on the steak he had been swallowing.
"I mean even so," she continued. "I'm only in my early 30's, so 10 years isn't a huge difference, maybe we could be yet."
Jon focused very intently on his food.
"Anyway, it got me to thinking, we lucked out with her and Jared there serving for us. We really should hire a caterer and servers when we have another party."
"Yeah if you want to," he said, internally cringing at the excess formality of it.
"When do you think that would be?" he asked.
"Oh it's not a rush, I suppose, but perhaps closer to Christmas," she suggested.
He thought about it. "If we can find a date that works, then sure. It's a busy time though."
"I'm sure I can make it work," she said, confidently.
Then she made a disgusted sound, "Look at that pig leering so obviously at her, and his wife is right there."
Jon chose not to look and gave a disapproving shake of his head.
"She gets all kinds of attention I suppose," Elaina continued. Honestly a girl like her could probably do much better than that Jared. I mean don't get me wrong, I understand what she sees in him, but I would think she could snag a man much more mature and well off."
He chewed his steak very carefully and swallowed slowly.
"You keep saying that kind of thing honey, but I still think if two people love each other it shouldn't matter if one of them is 'out of their league' should it?"
She shrugged, "Quality people deserve quality partners. If someone can make their life better by doing better, then they should."
