Secret Santa

'I'm sorry.' Was all Andy replied after several minutes.

I took a shower and cried under the water for almost an hour before trying to sleep. When sleep wouldn't come, I tried reading but did not turn a page for ages, staring at the book, trying not to picture my father having sex with someone slightly older than me. At 4, I gave up and decided to head into the office, reasoning that perhaps I might get some work done before anyone else arrived.

Arriving at work I was still a ball of anger as I turned on the office lights and headed to the kitchenette to make some coffee.

"Fucking typical. No one fucking bothers to clean the coffee machine at the end of the fucking day."

"It's fresh..." A voice behind me said gently.

I'm sure my scream was heard throughout the city as I turned and fell backwards, my bottom hitting the floor as I saw Jamie standing in the doorway.

"I didn't mean to startle you, I'm sorry."

"I didn't, there were no lights on, I'm sorry..."

"I had a light on in my office, but I saw when the rest went on and wondered who it was. Here, let me help you up."

"Are you here late or early?" I asked as Jamie took my hand and helped me to my feet, a shot of electricity running from my fingers throughout my body. "Wait, you're wearing a different shirt to yesterday and I can't tell if you've shaved because of that designed stubble you've got happening..."

"Do you like it?"

"What does it matter if I like it or not?" How could I tell him that it made him extra desirable in my books, that I longed to have it brush against my clitoris as he ran his mouth around my sex?

"You seem a little angry about something."

"I seriously doubt you'd understand."

"Boy troubles?"

"You definitely wouldn't understand that one. Heck, even I don't understand that one."

"Oh my God, I never even, fuck. That explains. I never realised you're gay. I'm sorry." Jamie looked shocked as if he had been punched in the stomach.

"Nah, plenty of female athletes, but not me. I'm not even an athlete, just the fucking equal opportunity girl in a man's world or something."

"OK..." Jamie seemed to have an almost look of relief as his lip almost went up in a half-smile, "So Anton told me you needed to get laid and well perhaps he's right."

"I'm sorry? Anton what? That fucking slimy bastard. I'm going to fucking find him and find his balls and squeeze them so hard he's--"

"OK, Carolyn, I can see that you're angry."

"Angry? Too right I'm fucking angry. I don't know where to start!"

"Well, have you ever thought that perhaps Anton is right," Jamie had walked towards me and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

"You know, it's funny because Anton told me the same thing about you and even suggested I give you a fucking blowjob for your Secret Santa but firstly, I'm sure you'd pay a lot more than twenty bucks for one usually, and secondly you would never have to pay with your charm and your wit and your amazing looks and you can have any woman you want and you probably do and hey, don't forget, Mindy's single whoever the fuck she is."

I was crying by this stage and I ducked under Jamie's arm and left the room in tears.

"I'm taking my laptop. I'm going to work from home."

Unplugging it from under my desk I searched for the bag in a drawer as Jamie stood in the doorway.

"I'm not like that, you know," Jamie almost whispered as I packed my power cord away, "I mean, I was sort of once, but now I always seem to want what I just can't have."

"Yeah, well you seem to come from money from what I've heard so for everything else there's Mastercard or something. Probably black Amex in your case."

"Give me your keys." Jamie held out his hand.

"Why?" I held them up un my hand as Jamie snatched them from me.

"You are too angry to drive. I'll drive you home and catch a cab back." Tears flowed again as I wondered how Jamie could be so perfect. "Come here, whatever's happened, I think you need a hug."

I should not have been surprised that Jamie's hug was almost flawless. His arms wrapped around me like they were designed to hold me, and I melted into his body. He simply stroked my hair, and I could sense his lips were pressed against the top of my head despite me not being able to see.

I thought I felt his erection press against me, but as I pulled away, I saw his belt buckle and figured that was what it must have been. There was no way I would excite a man like Jamie Fitzgibbon.

"Thanks, Jamie. I think I'm calmer now and I can drive."

"Nope. I'm still driving you. You look exhausted."

"You don't drive to work?" I asked Jamie as he adjusted the seat and mirrors in my small car.

"My apartment is just around the corner. I don't even have a car these days."

"Should I be letting you lose on mine then? You can drive a manual?"

"Do you think I would have offered?" Jamie gave me a questioning look.

"I suppose not."

"You've never been in this early before. What's on your mind? Please don't tell me it's work."

"Not exactly. My Dad rang last night. I'm going to be a big sister. Wow," I laughed, "My nieces and nephews are going to have a new aunt or uncle!"

"I've got an almost 4-year-old brother. My Dad's mistress..."

"You've got two kids, right?"

"Um, yeah," Jamie looked at the road, "Kat is 5 and Jimmy is 3. I don't see them much anymore."

"I'm sorry. It must be hard. Right up here at the lights by the way."

"Yeah. Skye had her reasons why she moved."

"It shouldn't be allowed, you know, parents taking their kids away."

"It's not. But it is what it is."

"Will you see them for Christmas?"

"I see them for New Years."

"So, their mother can party?"

"Something like that."

"What a bitch."

"She's a good mother."

"I'm sorry. Left just here, sorry."

I found it hard that Jamie was defending the mother of his children so well and figured he was not over her at all, yet another reason I would never succeed in getting close to him.

"This is my block just here on the left. The gate opener is on my keyring."

Jamie opened the gate and I directed him where to park. Despite his move on me in the kitchenette, I wanted to invite him up for a coffee, or really, I wanted to get him in my bed.

"I've just ordered a cab. It's a few minutes away."

"Thank-you. Sorry I was so angry before and all." I simply looked down at my hands in my lap not wanting to get out of my car and thrilled that I could smell Jamie still. His mix of musky man scent and whatever sandalwood scented fragrance he wore lingered. I had hoped it was in the air-conditioning and next time I started my car I would be reminded of this trip and the longest time I had spent with my boss on my own.

"Honestly, it was an absolute pleasure, Carolyn, or do you prefer Caz, I've never actually asked, but I know the others call you Caz."

"You can call me whatever you like, just not late for dinner!" I almost cringed when the words came out of my mouth.

"Here's my cab. Can you get upstairs ok?"

I assured Jamie I would be fine, and he gave me one last hug. It was just after 6 when I climbed back into bed. Nicki had messaged me back and I told her I'd speak after I had some sleep.

Waking just after lunch I had a series of missed texts and two voicemails. I had hoped I had not missed any stories and I could not remember any press conferences I needed to be at. The first text was from Suze checking I was ok and reminding me I could call her if I needed to talk. Donna and Anton had both texted me asking where I was and wondering if I knew why Jamie was in such a good mood. I replied to both of them that he must have gotten some, wondering if his good mood had anything to do with our conversations that morning.

"So, Nik are you sitting down? Good. Dad's gotten a woman 20 years younger than him pregnant."

"The, what?"

"Yep. He's not even trying to spin it is a Christmas miracle with a virgin birth because she has a lovely 16-year-old daughter and he said sorry for being a shit dad when mum died."

"Wow. I'm... So, how's Andy taking this?"

"He seems ok with it, but he never had to put up with Dad's sex lectures- purity and contraception. Funny that it's ok for him to have non-marital sex now, hey?"

"It's his life and perhaps he's happy."

"Maybe. I spoke a bit about it with Jamie this morning."

"You mean, boss Jamie, Hunky McSpunky, sex on a stick?"

"Yeah. I went in after 4 when I couldn't sleep, and he was there, and he came onto me..."

"Go for it, woman!"

"I didn't," I explained the situation to Nicki who understood my reluctance to have a one-night-stand not only with my boss but also with someone I really desired. "It was so hard to say no, Nik, I mean, I probably gave up my only chance with him."

~*~*~*~*~

Even though I had convinced Donna my black silk skirt finished above my knee and my silver sequined halter top showed some cleavage, she insisted on getting ready for the staff Christmas Party at my unit. I let her do my make-up and agreed she did an amazing job. The smoky eye she achieved brought out the green in my eyes and whereas I would still have worn a red lipstick to match my auburn hair, she insisted on a nude lip letting my eyes shine.

It was a warm night and too hot for stockings, but I still wore some silver strappy shoes with a slight heel.

"He won't be able to take his eyes off you!"

"Who?"

"Jamie of course! He is so into you, perhaps even more so than you are into him!"

"Yeah well, I didn't know Anton had told him that apparently, I need to get laid too."

"Like that surprises you? Of course, you do!"

"He tried to use it is a fucking pick up line and I told him off for being such a player."

"Girl, Jamie is no player! He's turned me down several times already!"

"Perhaps you're not his type then, but I've heard about his younger days."

"For fucks sake woman! He's lusting after you as much as you're lusting after him!"

How I wanted Donna to be right. There was no way Jamie would be lusting after me. I knew I was not his type. I was nobody's type, plus even if he did get me into bed, he would soon regret it when he realised what a dud I was.

"Did you see what he wrote on the Secret Santa sheet?"

I had and it had made me smile. He had simply written 'Please, no mugs, pens or Christmas ties' and, 'See Anton.'

Jamie had organised a banquet at a Chinese restaurant for our Christmas do. Anton stuck next to me, despite his girlfriend being there, until we were seated, arranging for me to sit next to Jamie with his girlfriend on Jamie's left. Politics Paul, as we dubbed our political reporter, and his partner were on my right.

"Something tells me we've been set up, Boss." I took a sip of the Jasmine tea that I had asked for.

"It's just because we're the only two drinking tea." Jamie clinked his cup to mine making me laugh.

"You're not--" we both started the same sentence at the same time.

"Go on..." Jamie urged.

"I've never been a big drinker. I like the occasional glass of wine, but I worry about who I become when I drink." I explained.

"Interesting. I mean, I'm paying for all this and I want to make sure I have my wits about me when I'm adding it up at the end of the night!"

"Spoken like a true businessman!"

"You know me, I'll just hand over my black Amex at the end of the night anyway! I had lunch with Brad today."

"How was it?"

"It was a little embarrassing, you see, he kept talking about Mindy in front of his wife and the times they had had and kept on encouraging me."

"Perhaps you need to go there then."

"I doubt it. I've got my eye elsewhere."

"This Szechwan Chicken is amazing, I mean, the balance between Szechwan pepper and the other spices is outstanding and sets it apart from other restaurants in this area."

"Perhaps I need to get you to do some restaurant reviews in the New Year?"

"I did that for a bit until my cover was blown and people knew who I was and would treat me differently. It's hard to write objectively then."

"You know I didn't hire you for the sports job just because you're a woman? I mean, that exposé you wrote on the betting scandal was brilliant."

"Yeah, yeah. I know it's because I'm Andy Harrison's sister and I have contacts. Although they will lessen now he's retired."

"Not at all. I don't think you can see what a beautiful and remarkable woman you are."

"You had a boozy lunch which is why you aren't drinking tonight!"

"I want to make you believe it because you are."

It was hard for me to believe Jamie. I felt neither beautiful nor remarkable. I felt like a frigid girl who would be totally out of her depth if she ever went to bed with a man like her boss. My phone had been buzzing in my bag throughout dinner and I had been ignoring it. I peeped and saw several messages and missed calls from both Andy and Suze.

'Is everything ok?' I texted.

'Are you free?' Suze replied first.

'Sort of, yes.'

'Can you come over? It's your Dad.'

'Fuck, he's had a heart attack now. On my way.'

"I'm so sorry folks, but I have to love you and leave you. Family emergency." I told the table as the fried ice-cream was being dished out.

"Is everything ok, Carolyn? Do you need me to come with you?"

"Um, no, it's fine. Something to do with my Dad according to Suze. I'll see you Monday."

"Call me if you need anything. I mean that Carolyn."

I was too worried about my father to notice Jamie's hand on my arm or the kiss he pressed to my cheek as I left. Driving to Andy and Suze's I also missed Andy's text telling me Laura had had a miscarriage. Andy met me at the door and told me the news. He said that Laura was in hospital and Dad had gone to Andy and Suze's as he did not know where else to go.

"He's in a bad way, Caz. It's almost as bad as when Mum died. Oh, and Trudi's here too so be nice."

"Hey, Dad. Andy just told me. I'm sorry to hear about the baby. Is Laura ok?"

"I'm not sure she'll want me anymore. The scan looked beautiful last week." Dad was in tears.

It was well after 10. They had found out that morning and Laura had had surgery that afternoon as she had not passed the foetus. I introduced myself to Trudi who had been taken under Suze's wing.

"Brian, Andy and I had a miscarriage between Lily and Max. We didn't tell anyone because, well with Andy's career and all."

This was news to me. I hardly knew what I was feeling, let alone what my dad or other family members were going through.

"Dad, have you been living with Laura and Trudi? I think Trudi needs you tonight, don't you think?"

"Yes, yes I have. They moved in with me a few months back. I just, I feel so sad."

"Mum loves you, B" Trudi had gone over and hugged my dad, "I know she loves you and I saw how she looked at you at the hospital. She still loves you."

It was late and I was tired. I wondered how my colleagues were doing at their party.

'Is everything ok with your dad?' I was surprised to see a text from Jamie.

'They had a miscarriage.'

'I'm sorry. Let me know if I can do anything or if you need a hug or anything. I mean that.'

All I wanted was a hug from Jamie. I was sure he was not aware of how much I craved that and so much more.

"Dad, you're in no state to drive. How about you stay on the foldout in the den. Trudi, there's a trundle in the girls' room if you want."

"Trudi, do you want to come back to mine and sleep in a real bed? I don't bite, despite what Dad may have told you."

"He's only said nice things about you and made me read all your articles."

I smiled and hugged Trudi around her shoulders.

"I'll bring her back here tomorrow morning unless I hear otherwise, ok?"

On the way home conversation was a little strained between Trudi and me. I let her charge her phone and she spent time texting people, friends I presumed.

"So, this is my place," I said as I opened the door and ushered Trudi in. "I don't have any house rules as such, but Dad would kill me if I let you have a boy in your room!"

"Tell me about it! I mean, he's a lot better now. Mum told him off and said that I didn't need protecting and if he hadn't shown his son how to treat a woman properly then he was part of the problem."

I laughed at hearing this. I was beginning to like the sound of Laura. I gave Trudi one of my nighties and suggested she washed out her underwear and hung it in the bathroom to dry overnight. Neither of us felt we could sleep so I made a pot of tea and we sat and got to know each other.

Trudi's father had been abusive, and Laura left when Trudi was a toddler. She had done an amazing job raising an articulate and intelligent daughter I gathered from our conversation.

"I don't think Mum had any other boyfriends since she left Dad until she meat B."

"Do you know how they met?"

"Yeah!" Trudi started laughing, "Mum got a job at the canteen at the footy club and B was buying yet another pie and she told him off saying he was going to have a heart attack and she made him get a salad sandwich instead."

It was a cute story. Trudi said that Laura and Dad hit it off straight away and he had come back to say it was the nicest salad sandwich he had ever had.

"When did you move in with Dad?"

"After my birthday in the July holidays. Mum and I lived in a small flat and B said he has lots of room and said he'd like us to move in. Mum said yes as long as she could share his bed. I mean, gross right!"

I had to laugh that both of us found it challenging imagining our parents sharing a bed.

~*~*~*~*~

'Are you free tonight?' I woke up to a text from Jamie.

'Are you asking me out? And who sends texts at 5 am on a Saturday?'

'Donna fell off a table and broke her ankle last night. Can you cover the Ballet tonight? It's The Nutcracker?'

I had to laugh. I was not surprised Donna, of all my colleagues, had come a cropper at the staff Christmas do.

'I suppose so. Is it dress up?'

'You looked stunning last night. It's Black Tie, so usually people look nice, don't they? I'll leave the ticket on your desk.'

I had to laugh. I doubted Jamie had ever been to the ballet before.

"What's funny?" I was surprised Trudi was up before me.

"One of my colleagues, who usually covers Arts events fell off a table last night at the staff Christmas Party and broke her ankle, so my boss wants me to cover the ballet tonight."

"Oh wow, not The Nutcracker?"

"Yep!"

"I so want to see that!"

"Did you do ballet too?"

"For a bit, until Dad stopped paying child support."

'Hey boss, is it one ticket or two for tonight? I've got someone who might want to go with me, that's all.'

It took Jamie ages to respond and all the time I could see he was typing something. I was either going to receive an essay or he was typing and deleting.

'Sorry. I'll leave your ticket on your desk. Starts at 7.30.'

'All good.'

~*~*~*~*~

Dad had gone to collect Laura from the hospital when I called at Andy and Suze's with Trudi. Andy was busy with the older kids in the backyard and Trudi went to help him.

"She's a lovely kid," I told Suze as she poured a coffee for me, "And I really like the sound of Laura too!"

"Yeah, did you hear how they met?"

"You mean the salad sandwich instead of the pie! I mean, that's very Dad!"

"I bet you didn't hear that she insisted on sharing--"

"Yep, Trudi told me about the bed too! Dad must be smitten if he agreed to that."

"I think he does love Laura, yes."

"You've met her?"

"No, not yet."

"Do you think I should offer to drop Trudi home, so she doesn't have to meet us all today?"

Suze agreed it was a nice idea and I texted Dad offering to drive Trudi home later in the day to give him some time with Laura. I also liked the idea of spending time with my nieces and nephews.

~*~*~*~*~