Seeing Her Pt. 01

Their eyes met.

"Not his." She said. "Your need."

Madeline stayed quiet.

"When he described your unhappiness, I felt like his description of your 'ideal' relationship left no room for you to be you."

Madeline's eyes shined with moisture. Was it possible? Did she really understand? But instead of asking, she defended the marriage. "No. Tim lets me do what I want."

"What does that mean?" Dr. Simms queried.

"I have my music, even playing jazz in the quartet. I go on trips with my girlfriends when I want."

"That's what you want?"

"Yes."

"Is that all you want?"

"No." And just that fast, Madeline found herself confronting her...her what? "No, I want Tim to see me. I feel invisible. Professionally, emotionally and sexually." Madeline was shocked she'd said that out loud.

Dr. Simms quietly waited for more, and finally prompted Madeline when it didn't come." You've told me Tim is a very attentive lover, that he does all the things a woman wants."

Madeline nodded.

"How are you invisible?"

Madeline searched for the words to explain. "He sees who I was," her features revealed she was debating whether that was it, "who I used to be." She paused again to consider. "Who I'm supposed to be?"

"Who are you supposed to be?"

Madeline answered with certainty. "The mother of our children."

"But Madeline, you are their mother." Dr. Simms was provoking now, probing, and looking for the tender spot.

"I'm more." With that declaration, Madeline flooded with memories that revealed the chasm between who she was and how her husband saw her. He introduced her at his firm's social gatherings as "the core of our family," without mentioning she was an accomplished pianist. It didn't matter that he usually added "beautiful." He introduced her to his new associate as the "mother of our children." Allie, his stunning, tall, slim, top of her law school class, sexy, young associate, who seemed to hang on his every word. She remembered how diminished she'd felt in that moment, how dismissed as a sexual woman.

"When we got married, becoming a mother was the most important thing to me. My music was right there, but always a step behind motherhood. And the most exciting sex was when I ovulated. God, just the thought that Tim might be impregnating me when he ejaculated inside me was almost enough to take me over the edge." Madeline blushed. She knew therapy required her to be open and honest, but she was unused to graphically discussing sex with anyone.

Dr. Simms listened without revealing how this breakthrough pleased her.

"The girls are the crowning achievement of my life so far. I couldn't be prouder or more fulfilled by them." The admission stopped her.

Dr. Simms prodded, "But there's more to you."

"Yes." Madeline declared. "I'm not done now, as a woman. I'm not retired. I want to explore, experience, accomplish things professionally and go to new places emotionally. I want to excite Tim and be desired."

"Does he excite you?"

Madeline's thoughts were racing but stopped when she realized the answer to that question. "No," she admitted in a soft voice, "but he could? I want him to."

"How could he?"

"With passion. He could lose control with desire, even lust." She closed her eyes and pictured how it was now. Tim was always so controlled and respectful, like he was afraid to hurt her. He treated her like... "He treats me just like he introduces me, as the mother of our children." She opened her eyes and looked at Dr. Simms. "I don't know how else to put it?"

When the therapist didn't ask a follow up question, Madeline added, "I want him to treat me like a woman with sexual and emotional needs that have nothing to do with motherhood. I want him to realize my needs have evolved and see what they are and embrace them." She smiled ruefully. "I want him to tear my clothes off, throw me on the bed or on the floor or wherever, and take me."

Dr. Simms said, "And with that, let's take that break I told you I'd need." Two days earlier she'd explained there was a call she had to take while they were scheduled. She'd offered to reschedule their session but Madeline said it wouldn't be a problem. "I'm sorry." The Doctor added.

Madeline shook her head. "No, that's ok. I can use a break." I really can.

"Ok then. I'll take the call in my office so you can stay here."

Madeline nodded, then leaned back in the soft chair and closed her eyes.

When the therapist returned, she changed the subject. "Madeline, I'd like to follow a different vein now if you're ok with that. We'll certainly be returning to this topic in future sessions. I think it may become our focus, but I'd like to better understand the lay of the land?

"Alright." Madeline said.

"Do you trust Tim? Question his faithfulness?"

Madeline was taken aback by the question. "Well...he's handsome and accomplished and 'out there' in the M&A world where many talented young women are trying to make a name for themselves, so I'm aware of the opportunities and temptation." She looked at the therapist and continued when she couldn't read her expression. "So I'm concerned like any woman would be?"

Dr. Simms was struck by the specifics in Madeline's otherwise general observation. "Are you concerned about someone in particular that he works with?"

Madeline said, "No..." and as quickly decided to get it out there. "Well...yes." She felt relieved to admit it and added, "Yes I am." Dr. Simms gestured for her to continue. "The new associate I mentioned that's been working deals with him. Tall, slim, beautiful in a way that captivates any room she enters, who graduated Magna Cum Laude and who, according to Tim, is as sharp as a knife. He likes working with her because she distracts skilled negotiators with her beauty and gets what she's after before they even know she's trying."

Dr. Simms realized that Madeline's description could as easily be applied to a woman stealing affection as to a business dealing. She'd be following up on that but decided to ask a different question in light of Madeline's increased candor. "What about you Madeline? Are you tempted to stray?"

"I wasn't. At least I didn't think so," She paused, "until last night."

Dr. Simms's silence prompted Madeline to continue. "After the quartet played a gig at Isla's, there was an after-party in Isla's condo. Her business partner came to watch me play..."

"He came to see the quartet?" Dr. Simms uncharacteristically interrupted because it was important.

"No. He said he came to see me." Dr. Simms nodded for her to continue. "When I wandered to the pantry in the back of Isla's condo to retrieve some scotch, he followed me. I didn't know he was there so I was startled when he stepped into the small space and I would have fallen backwards if he hadn't caught me. But then he kept his arm around me..." Madeline blushed and stopped talking.

"Please Madeline, continue." Dr. Simms spoke softly.

"He kissed me." She spoke haltingly, in a whisper. "I kissed him back." She pressed on. "He opened my blouse. Button by button. He kissed my neck and lower. He kissed between my breasts." She closed her eyes and stopped speaking.

Dr. Simms grew concerned that Madeline was describing an assault. "Did he ask permission to do any of that? Did you ask him to stop?"

Madeline's eyes opened fully and met her therapist's. "No. My arms were around him. I didn't want him to stop." Her eyes flashed defiance and excitement. "I wanted him to keep going. I wanted him to push me into the shelves and fuck me right there." With the vulgarity, Madeline's defiance vanished as quickly as it'd flashed and she searched her therapist's eyes. "Telling you now, I can hear how wrong it was, how shamefully I betrayed Tim. But in that moment...in that small room... it didn't feel that way?"

Dr. Simms waited until she was sure her patient wasn't going to add anything, then asked gently, "How did it feel Madeline?"

Madeline clenched her jaw in a futile attempt to stop the emotion that welled inside. Her eyes filled and she whispered, "Free." Tears began running down her face. She wouldn't allow herself to blubber. "I felt free..." In the depth of her eyes, the defiance lurked.

After allowing Madeline time to gather herself, Dr. Simms said, "One more question for today's session?"

Madeline nodded.

"Did you have any sexual partners who got rough with you when you were single?"

Madeline didn't need to think about that question and answered quickly. "I did, in college, just before I met Tim. His name was Sean."

"Tell me about you and Sean."

"The first time we had sex, I wasn't ready to." She closed her eyes to picture it. "It wasn't rape, but it wasn't far from it. I told him 'no' but he kept going. When I was telling him to stop I didn't really want him to?" She opened her eyes to look at Dr. Simms and continued. "Before that night I'd never orgasmed from intercourse, but with him it happened twice."

Dr. Simms waited silently so Madeline continued. "After that first time, I thought we'd change and be more..." she searched for the word, "loving? But instead it got rougher. It was like he wanted to take me against my will, wanted to vanquish me. He would pin me down or against the wall, spank me, abuse my nipples and once he started slapping my breasts and genitals. He used his belt to secure my arms behind my back."

"Did you continue seeing him?"

"Uh huh. Until the night my roomies came home and heard us and knew it got pretty wild. That night I was face down and he was on top of me. He pulled my hair, called me names and slapped my butt while he was fucking me." Madeline paused, surprised by the graphic detail she was sharing. "My roomies confronted me about him and when I told them what we did together they said I shouldn't tolerate being treated like that. They convinced me to stop taking Sean's calls and two months later I met Tim." She looked at Dr. Simms. "Is that it? Am I one of 'those' women who need it rough?"

For once her therapist answered. "Oh, we can't come to a conclusion like that Madeline." She smiled reassuringly. "You might simply be remembering how it felt when sexuality was new to you. When you were discovering and excited by the unknown? Or you might be remembering the passion. Or none of that - we'll find out?

Madeline's relief was palpable.

"Why don't we wrap it up here and pick this up next week?"

For the first time since she'd started with Dr. Simms, three sessions earlier, Madeline looked forward to their next appointment.

"And," the therapist added, "Your questions are great. I may not be able to give you answers, but they're a great insight to your concerns."

Madeline nodded. She had questions.

~~~

On her way to practice playing piano at the university, Madeline stopped at Isla's for a cup of coffee. Yes, she had questions. The club was closed but she knew Isla would be there closing the books on the night before.

Isla was delighted to see her come in through the back. "Maddie." She beamed. "Grab a cuppa and have a seat."

After Madeline had done just that, Isla said, "You were wonderful last night!" Madeline smiled graciously. While she grew uncomfortable with praise from strangers, she luxuriated in it coming from those close to her. "Frank was impressed."

"What was he doing here Isla? What did you mean, 'he came to see me'?"

"Frank's company started as a law firm he founded with a partner. Early on they represented various musicians, and then expanded to add agents, publicists and promoters to their staff, until they became a full service agency for individual musicians and musical groups." She tapped her iPad a few times and turned it to Maddie. "Here's a partial list of their current clients."

Madeline looked at it. "Wow." The list included several prominent female pianists.

"I told him about you and he had several people check you out. Now he plans on watching your concert on the sixteenth and wanted to see you perform in a jazz-club setting before that."

Madeline was stunned. "You didn't say a word."

"No." Isla smiled. "You know how self-conscious you would have gotten and I wanted you to play like you usually do. Gyrating and shaking and moving on your bench like a dancer. It makes your playing an exciting visual performance as well as a musical one."

"I felt him watching, as soon as I walked onto the stage."

"He is intense." Isla agreed. She looked closely at her friend. "What happened in the back of my condo Maddie?"

"I'm not sure."

Isla arched her eyebrows to get Maddie to continue.

"He kissed me. He opened my blouse." Her voice and expression revealed her lingering bewilderment. "I didn't try to stop him. I didn't want him to stop, then you showed up." Isla was going to apologize when Maddie continued. "I don't know what happened?" She sipped her coffee. "I started to go over it in therapy this morning."

"How's that going?" Isla knew it was Tim's idea.

"I... I might actually get something out of it." Madeline said. "Tell me about Frank."

"What?"

"Is he like that? The kind of man who thinks he can just grab a woman and kiss her?"

"I didn't think so. I'm amazed that happened."

"Have you been involved with him, physically?"

"No. I wanted to... you know... get together with him after my divorce, but he made it clear he never mixes business and personal relationships."

"Is he involved?"

"Nothing serious. There are women I've seen him with more than once but that's about it. I did overhear a conversation about him one night when I was bartending. He stopped in for a drink on the way to his condo, top floor of the same building I'm in, and two women started talking about him after he left."

"Had he been with them in the club?"

"No, but one these women told the other she knew all about him. They thought I was just a bartender so didn't seem to care if I overheard. And I have no idea if they actually knew anything at all about Frank."

"And...?" Madeline prompted.

Isla answered, "The one who supposedly knew all about him said there's a spectrum from gently romantic to hard core BDSM, then there's Frank Church who is all-of-the-above."

Madeline flushed with... arousal?

Maddie's reaction surprised Isla and she asked another question. "You said that you wanted him to keep going. Do you still feel that way?" Her tone carried no disapproval. She didn't like Tim. In fact, she despised the kind of spouse she thought he was and made that clear to Maddie. He saw himself as the sole provider of everything Maddie had, because he had the major income. Never mind that she provided the stable basis in his life that made success in his career possible. Never mind that she created the family cohesion and unwavering, ever present, support that established the core from which their daughters grew into impressive young women. Most of all, never mind that she placed her own career on hold for her family at the very time it should have been blossoming.

"Oh..." She pondered before continuing, "No. I'm relieved we stopped. It would have been disastrous."

A thought occurred to Isla, who said, "It certainly would have felt awkward at the concert."

"The concert?" Madeline was puzzled.

"Afterwards. It would have been uncomfortable if they were both there."

Madeline's expression revealed her pain when she said, "Tim won't be there."

"What?" Isla was stunned.

"He won't be there. He's got management meetings in Chicago." Madeline could see Isla wasn't familiar with the term so she explained. "They are day long meetings between potential buyers and the management team of a company his firm is brokering. They usually schedule several days of them in a row."

"When there's a concert featuring your first solo performances?" Isla couldn't keep the disapproval out of her voice.

"In his defense, I didn't tell him I was featured." Maddie's response sounded hollow. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Oh Madds." Isla leaned in to her friend and hugged her. "Madds, I'm so sorry."

"Jenn will be there. She's taking time off and has booked her flight. And Louisa is driving home from the U."

~~~

On the day of the concert, Jenn landed before noon. Madeline picked her up at the airport and they went for a fancy lunch. With a performance like the one that night, she wouldn't eat again until after.

In the restaurant they beamed at each other. "Mom, you're glowing!" Jenn said affectionately.

Madeline was glowing. Because she was reunited with one of her daughters and, as always, she found herself wishing they still lived at home. Almost as fast, she was thrilled that they'd both spread their wings and were finding their way in the world, chasing their dreams. "It's so nice to have you home for a few days." She said to Jenn.

"When is Louie getting home?"

"This afternoon. She had a mid-term this morning and planned on leaving after that." Madeline's face clouded just perceptibly as she added, "It's too bad your Dad isn't here so the whole family could be together."

"I know you wanted him to be at the concert Mom, but this will be more like old times for us?" She put her hand on top of her mother's. "Dad out of town for work and it's just us girls." They both thought about how often that was the case as Jen and Louisa grew up. Jen continued, "I remember when you began taking me to watch you practice with the symphony. I was dazzled. All those musicians playing and I always thought you were the heart of it, the most important part. Sometimes I thought the conductor was following you rather than the other way around." She smiled at her mom, remembering how proud she'd felt, watching her. "And I was grown up enough to come with you when Louie still had to stay at the sitter's."

"Until I decided she was old enough to join us." Madeline said.

Jenn laughed with delight remembering that day and said, "She thought she could sing along at the top of her lungs like when we played music at home. Before I could whisk her out to the lobby the conductor yelled so loudly at her I thought he was gonna stroke out, and then Louie cried hysterically. Jenn looked at her mom and her voice went from jovial to softly serious. "Mom, you were there so fast. Hugging Louie and telling me it was alright." She remembered how safe she always felt in her Mom's presence. "When you'd calmed us down and went back to talk to him, I was worried he was going to yell at you, or fire you, but you weren't afraid."

Reminiscing, Madeline realized that in the face of a threat to her daughters, fear was not an emotion she felt. She said, "I apologized for the interruption but told him it was never alright to yell at a child that way. Then I..."

"Then you quit." Her daughter finished the sentence for her. "I was what, five? Even at that age, I realized you'd always support me, no matter what." She stood, moved to her mom and leaned over to embrace her. "Thank you Mom." She took her seat again, overwhelmed with affection and gratitude.

"Your father wasn't happy about it when he got home."

"I remember. He sent us to our room but Louie and I could hear him yelling, telling you that you'd blown your chance. He was still going when the conductor showed up to apologize for his behavior and ask you to reconsider quitting."

They smirked at each other.

While they ate, Madeline thought about how lucky she was that their relationship evolved from 'mother and daughter', to 'mother, daughter and friend' when Jenn became a woman. Now it's happening with Louisa too.

For her part, Jenn felt bad her Dad wouldn't be at the concert - but only because she knew her Mom wanted him to be there. She was a perceptive young woman who realized her parent's relationship left her Mom wanting and she blamed that on her father. In college she started wondering if he was a player, a term her friends used for parents who cheated.