Seeing the Signs

"That's just great! Are you saying there was never any conversation with Steve that wasn't about work?"

"Mom, we talked about our personal lives a little bit. For instance, he told me about his pending divorce. He mentioned the heartbreak of catching his wife with another man. Plus, we shared other background information like friends often do. What I'm stressing here is not that there was no fondness, but that there was no action taken. There was no infidelity."

"So, there was 'fondness.' What does that mean? Is that appropriate? No wonder you have kept all of this from Brad. Janet, have you heard about 'emotional affairs' and 'work spouses?"

"Yes, of course. I might have had a few fantasies and maybe Steve did too, but the important thing is that we didn't act on them."

"Did Steve ask you about your sex life with Brad?"

"Mom! What the hell? No, I don't remember him coming right out and asking such a personal question; but now that I think about it, he did guide the conversation in such a manner that I found myself going in that direction a time or two. Luckily, I caught myself and reversed course without revealing very much. I don't think it meant anything."

"Yes, it did mean something! Secrets are bad. They are especially bad between a husband and wife. Men like Brad are very rare. Predators like Steve are a dime a dozen."

"Mom, Steve's not a predator."

"Jan, he knows you're married. He knows you have kids. He knows it's inappropriate for him to spend so much time alone with you. He's had designs on you from the first time he saw you. Wise up, honey. He's playing you like a fiddle."

"Mom, stop it! We've done nothing wrong."

I glanced at Harriet. I was a bit ashamed to be airing all this dirty laundry in front of her. The expression on her face told me that she took my mom's side.

Mom wasn't through with me. "Jan, you and Brad are nothing short of spectacular together. You have a family relationship more valuable than diamonds. You must believe me when I tell you that your paradise can turn into hell in the blink of an eye. Things that you think mean nothing can turn out to mean everything. Please tell Brad everything as soon as you see him. Do it tonight!"

As we continued our conversation in other directions, Mom's words haunted my soul. We wrapped up our heart-to-heart when the guys said the car was ready for the trip to town. I followed the Karmann Ghia in my car. We made it back to town with no major incidents. There were a couple of backfires accompanied by large puffs of smoke, but they were no more than hiccups.

I followed Steve to the hotel where the motor pool guy was staying. While the two men were pushing the car onto the trailer and getting it ready to travel, I sat in the hotel lobby and watched the evening news.

Steve found me and said that I might as well go ahead and leave. They were having some problems with the electrical system on the rented trailer. The motor pool guy would take him back to the Hilton when they fixed the problem and finished loading the car onto the trailer.

Once again, I was late getting home. Brad didn't even ask why I was late. I was expecting an inquisition, but he surprised me. He just wanted to take me out to eat! We seldom go out during the week. I was pleasantly surprised.

He took me to the little hamburger joint where we had our first serious conversation concerning how we felt about each other and our future together. There in that special place, we pledged our love and made promises. For all practical purposes, it was that night when we designed the vows that we would repeat later at our wedding ceremony. The place was a little worse for wear and the neighborhood had deteriorated, but the memories that still lingered there made it a unique place for us.

I thought of what my mom had said about leveling with Brad. I wanted to do it, but I sure didn't want to throw a wet rag on the glowing memories that we were reliving. Brad seemed especially reflective. He kept talking about the commitments that we had made all of those years ago in this place. He asked me if I'd ever regretted making those commitments.

"Are you kidding? There have been no regrets, not even for a moment."

"Would you do it again, Jan?"

"Of course, honey, in a heartbeat."

"I mean literally, right now, right here?"

"Don't be silly, honey. This place is crowded. We don't want to make a spectacle of ourselves. We don't need to say the words; we both know how we feel about each other."

"OK. I just thought that under the circumstances, it might be a good idea to renew our vows."

At first, I thought that he was referring to the circumstances of being in that special place, but suddenly I wondered if he meant more than that. I needed to be careful and diplomatic. I replied, "Let's do better than that, honey. Let's renew our vows on our next anniversary with the whole family present. We could do it in the church before God and everybody. What do you say to that?"

"What if we don't make it that far?"

I feared that he meant our marriage might not last that long. I couldn't reply in that vein. I tried to shift the meaning, "What? I'm not planning to die, and hopefully, neither are you. We're both in good health and so is our marriage. We'll make it, honey."

"You know what they say about the 'best-laid plans,' Jan."

There was little doubt about what he meant. I made yet another effort to change the emphasis, "Oh, ye of little faith; we will do it, Brad. It will be great. Then we'll go on a second honeymoon."

Brad smiled and picked up the check.

As we drove home, I thought about Brad asking me to put my relationship with Steve on a professional footing and stop seeing him outside of work. I hadn't paid much attention to Brad's request. In fact, I had lunch with Steve every work-day since the lunch that Brad saw. The one at our house was by far the worst. Steve and I alone in the house that's such a special place. A cocoon of protection and love keeping our family safe and secure. That encounter in our home could hurt Brad deeply if he found out about it. Nothing happened, but how could I ever prove that. It's impossible to prove a negative. I just have to make sure that Brad never finds out about all of the time that Steve and I have spent together in the last two weeks. I've spent two weeks acting like a high school girl instead of like the wife and mother that I am.

Now, I knew for certain why Brad wanted me to repeat my vows. I knew what he meant to accomplish with this trip down memory lane. My thoughts were in turmoil.

What's weighing heavily on my mind now is the goodbye breakfast that I'll be having with Steve at the Hilton tomorrow morning. I'm pretty sure that he'll invite me to his room again. I've been thinking about accepting his invitation this time. It will be the last chance that we will have to do this.

For the last 21 years, I've had sex with only one man. I've had sex with only three different partners in my whole life! Two of those were bungling teenage encounters where I'm not even sure there was any penetration. This is probably my last chance to see how the other half lives, so to speak. It could be good. It could be awful.

Half of the girls at the office wouldn't hesitate even a minute to what I will be able to do tomorrow. Many of them have said so, in so many words. There's only one way that I can find out, once and for all. If we keep it secret, how could it do any real harm? If Brad never knows about it, it can't possibly hurt him, can it?

Yes, in my heart, I knew what Brad wanted me to do tonight when he mentioned renewing our vows. I used the subterfuge about doing it on our next anniversary so I wouldn't have to feel so guilty when I find myself breaking those vows as soon as tomorrow.

Now, however, I'm thinking about the marriage vows that I made 21 years ago. This is where the rubber hits the road. I know in my heart why Brad took me to that special place tonight. We've had so many chances to return there, but we did it tonight! Brad senses my vacillation. Brad is giving me one last chance to choose? I believe he knows what I'm contemplating? He's a smart man and he knows me as well or better than I know myself.

I'm thinking about what Mom said to me. Maybe I haven't been fooling him after all. Maybe I've been fooling myself. Now I'm rethinking what's most important to me. I've come too close for comfort to hurting my husband and my family. I need to get my head on straight. I need to decide what matters to me. I must decide all of this, once and for all. I need to do it by tomorrow morning.

There's no wiggle room. There's no turning back. There are no "do-overs." Make a decision; then be prepared to live with it.

Brad breaks my train of thought when he complains of some stomach distress. He thinks that the hamburger did a number on his stomach. Now that I think about it, my stomach doesn't feel too good either. Perhaps the burger joint has deteriorated in more ways than we knew.

By the time we got home, we were both thankful that we have multiple bathrooms in our house.

Needless to say, we miss "date night" again; but this time there's a good reason. Nevertheless, this is one more "first" for us.

I don't get much sleep. It's not because of my stomach distress.

BRAD:

This is a normal day at work for me until I get a call from Ray. He tells me that they started following Janet at 11 am this morning as she drove her car out of the office parking space. Once again, Steve was with her. It soon became evident that she was taking the same route as she took yesterday.

For that reason, Ray decided that they didn't need to continue following her since they could easily watch her progress using the tracking device that they had installed under her bumper.

Just as they suspected, her car arrived again at the empty house at about noon. They departed a little after 2 pm. They returned to town but didn't go to her office. Instead, they drove to a motel downtown. She left the motel alone just before 5 pm and drove home."

Ray tells me that he wishes he had better news, but the evidence is getting overwhelming that she's committing multiple sessions of adultery.

I'm thinking that they must be a couple of rabbits. First, they spend a couple of hours in an empty house. That's not enough, so they spend some additional hours in a motel! By now, I've decided that for all practical purposes, my marriage is toast.

I decided to have one last pleasant evening with Janet before I confront her with the evidence. She got home somewhat late again. It's my night to provide the meal, so I told her that I wanted to take her out to eat tonight. She remarked that it's unusual for us to go out during the week. She asked if we were going somewhere fancy. She wanted to know if she needed to change her clothes.

I look in her eyes and tell her that we're going somewhere special, but not fancy. What she's wearing will be fine.

She's very surprised when we arrive at the little hamburger joint where we first let each other know that we were serious about a future together. We had never returned to that place for some reason. As we sat across from each other in that special place, I reminded her of the commitments that we had made there so many years ago. She said that she remembered it all like it was yesterday.

I asked her if she regretted making those commitments. She assured me that she didn't regret them for even one second. Then I asked her a leading question: I asked her if she would do it again. She said that she'd do it again in a heartbeat. So, I held her hand and said, "Let's renew our vows right now in this special place."

She thought that I was joking. She said the place was too full and we would "make a spectacle of ourselves." I insisted that we could quietly renew our vows, just to each other, right there and then.

I could see the wheels turning in her head as she said that she would prefer to renew our vows officially. She suggested that we do so in a church with our family in attendance. When the ceremony was over, we should go on a second honeymoon! We should plan on doing all of that on our next anniversary.

It was obvious to me that she was not going to commit to renewing vows right there and then. She was putting it off for nearly a year. That doesn't surprise me. Why would she renew vows that she was already breaking?

I finally said, "But what if we don't make it that far?"

She said something about neither of us was in danger of dying. I thought to myself that it was our love and our marriage that was in danger of dying. I just paid the check, and we left. I had tried one last time, without success. Now, I'm done.

On the way home, both of us experienced stomach problems. Both of us needed a bathroom. As soon as we got home, she took the downstairs bathroom and I raced to one upstairs.

What a fitting ending for us; a shared bout of diarrhea. At least we won't need to explain our lack of interest in making love on this "date night." This time we have a good and valid reason to abstain.

Friday 16

JANET:

Here I am, finally at the end of the conference. My final assignment is a work-group at the Hilton at 8 am. The work-group will be attended by everyone that gave a presentation at the conference. Steve should be there, of course.

The discussion will center on what can be done to improve the participant's experience at future conferences. Changes to the venue, the schedule, and the various tracks will be on the table.

I told Brad that I would be in a workshop at the Hilton this morning and that I would be eating breakfast there instead of at home.

I didn't tell him that the breakfast would be attended by just Steve and me. I didn't lie to him; I just didn't tell him the whole truth.

I'm not sure that Steve will be participating in the workshop. He has mentioned skipping it and getting on the road with his "new" car. He will, however, be there for our goodbye breakfast. That's for certain.

This morning, before I walked out of the door, Brad asked me straight out if Steve would be at the workshop. I said that Steve is scheduled to be there, but that he's mentioned skipping it and leaving early with his Karmann Ghia. Remembering what my mom had told me yesterday; I decided to go ahead and tell Brad that Steve bought Dad's old car from Roger and Harriet.

Brad looked confused, so I said, "He saw my picture of it in my home-office last Sunday. He was interested in it since his hobby is restoring old cars. Mom told me who had bought it and I put Steve in contact with them. They worked a deal and now Steve will be towing it back to DC behind a motor pool truck."

I didn't mention that "them" was Roger and Harriet and that I'd taken Steve to their house twice so he could work with Roger to get the car fixed-up enough to travel. I didn't lie, I just didn't tell the whole truth.

Just before I left, knowing I was going to have a goodbye breakfast with Steve, I looked into Brad's eyes and I told him that I was sorry for not going ahead and informally renewing our vows last night. I also told him that I loved him more than I had words enough in my vocabulary to convey.

Brad said, "Jan, we had something very special for many years."

It was not until I was driving to the Hilton that it dawned on me that his statement was in the past tense. It was at that very moment that a decision finally began to firm-up in my mind. I knew what I had to do.

When I arrived at the Hilton, Steve was already seated in the restaurant.

I sat down and told him that this was a bittersweet moment. He said that to him it's just bitter. That he sees nothing sweet about it. He says that he's enjoyed working with me more than anything else that's happened to him in years. I respond that I've enjoyed our time together too.

He asks me if I remember the conversation with Jack and Jill when Jack asked if we were "an item."

"Yes, I remember that. I remember saying that we were not 'an item', just 'work-buddies;' but I don't think Jill believed me."

Then he asks, "What do you think now, Jan? Are we 'an item' or just 'work-buddies'?"

"Steve, I think we're less than 'an item,' but more than 'work-buddies.' Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does. I have another question. More accurately, I have a favor to ask of you."

"OK, Steve, ask away. What's the favor?"

"I think that what we've experienced in our short time together has been very special. If you weren't a happily married woman, it could have been much more. I would have been after you like a bee after nectar. You are, however, a married woman and you know that I've tried very hard to respect that. I also think that despite your happy marriage and loving family, you also feel something for me. Perhaps it makes you feel guilty, but I think that it's there in your heart and mind. If I'm right, I would like for us to at least say a proper goodbye."

"Steve, may I ask what you consider a 'proper goodbye' to be?"

"The favor that I'm asking is for you to finally come to my room where we can have some privacy. I think that we both deserve a proper goodbye kiss. I've wanted to kiss you for a long time. I promise it will be only a kiss unless you want more. It will be entirely your call. If you choose to stop at a kiss, that's exactly what we will do. If you want more, so do I."

I remember what Mom said yesterday. I remember her warning about "emotional affairs" and "work spouses" as I say, "Depending on the definition that one ascribes to, it could be argued that we've participated in an emotional affair. I'm not convinced of that, but one thing we both know is that as of now, we haven't crossed the physical line in any way. Crossing that line now could mean the end of my marriage and lead to real problems for my family. It could even complicate your divorce proceedings. I'm proud of the fact that we've done nothing improper.

"Steve, let me tell you the absolute truth. If I were ever to have an extramarital affair, it would be with you right here right now. I've been severely tempted. More than I want to admit. Having said that, you need to know that I've never been unfaithful to Brad and that I never will be. I won't ever cross that line with anybody."

"Jan, you do realize that it would be just you and me. Brad would never know and your family wouldn't suffer in any way."

"Steve, I would know. I would know every minute of every day and it would change everything. It would affect my relationship with Brad. Ultimately, it would destroy my whole family. More importantly, Steve, I love my husband with every cell in my body. He's everything to me. It would be impossible for anyone to love anybody more than I love him. I've allowed a fantasy to invade my brain, but I can't let it ruin my family. I hope we can remain friends and I wish you all the best. I hope you can repair your marriage or find someone that will welcome and appreciate your love. It can't be me, Steve. It just can't.

"As I said before, just the amount of time that you and I have spent together makes me feel guilty. Never mind that no infidelity occurred, it wasn't right for me to spend all of that time alone with you. I'm afraid that just doing those things alone with you equates to cheating on Brad. Right now, it's just my exaggerated sense of guilt whispering in my ear. I can't let it become more than that. I just hope you can understand and I pray that Brad will cut me some slack if he ever discovers the extent of my infatuation and disobedience. He's never asked much of me in the way of behavior modification, but he did ask me to limit my time with you to in-the-office and on-the-clock. To my deepest regrets, I ignored him.

"Now, I want a good ending for you and me. I want an ending that we both can live with. I want an ending that doesn't harm other people. I hope you understand what I'm saying."