Self Love Central

Jack-off parties exist around the world, offering a safe, fun, and social outlet for the shared expression of self-love. Still, very few attempt diversity by gender or sexual orientation. Based on experiences and observations made at kink events, this narrative supposes a real event of this type and is as much a proposal as it is a story.

***

Ethan wedged his laptop open and felt his fingers fly across the keyboard, spitting out the name of his usual source of pornographic videos through pure muscle memory. His awareness of the thoughtless and habitual visit to the site, as a result of his spontaneous impulses, bore a fleeting discomfort in his mind. Masturbation sessions had sunk into such a routine that any excitement involved in them sometimes felt overshadowed by the ritualistic curing of a need just so that he could get through the day.

Ethan wanted something more; an outlet that was somehow more engaging -- and more real.

The tempting services that promised a human connection, virtual online interaction with "real girls," had massively failed to deliver on the expectations he had fantasized about. Instead, he found himself scrolling through an endless feed of blowjobs, sorority girls being hazed in the nude, POV sex with hairy virtual girlfriends, locker room voyeurism, and other standard fare until a video thumbnail caught his eye purely due to the distinct attractiveness of the woman it featured.

Ethan clicked the video and hit play, anxious to see what the young woman looked like unclothed. She was impossibly cute and a little shy, speaking to a faceless man behind the camera that Ethan imagined to be himself. Instantly hard, his blood pumping with pure anticipatory arousal, Ethan wrestled his boxers off, squirted some lube onto himself, and then sat on the bed, slowly stroking himself into a state of bliss.

After the girl was instructed to undress, she smiled nervously as she pulled the cups of her bra away from her body and bared her naked breasts. Ethan began to stroke faster as he watched her coyly bite her lip and slide off a pair of lace panties. He gazed in wonder at her beautiful naked pussy; she was a bit hairy, her body full of all the natural charms and naked expressiveness that sometimes seemed to be missing in overproduced pornography. This actress was presented as a "real girl" -- and he was buying it; sexy, charming, and as seemingly unsure about her own sexual potential as he was.

Once the video reached its first depiction of penetration, Ethan imagined that it was him thrusting inside that tight pink canal, detailed in closeup by a wandering camera that then traveled up to a jostling pair of breasts and then pulled away for a grand reveal of a young woman seemingly beside herself with pleasure. Still, Ethan felt the weight of the unreality of it all, even as he was swept up into the experience and began to feel the need for release. Worse, while he could easily imagine fucking her, he couldn't quite trick himself into imagining a connection with her as a real, thinking, feeling person -- and it was something that felt so absent.

Looking into the girl's eyes, Ethan saw her staring back at him in wonder but yet felt no alliance of any kind. The computer screen was a wall, her pleasure mere pixels; but what could make it real? Ethan had no girlfriend at the moment and his opportunities for sex came infrequently. He struggled to find a satisfying outlet where he could delve deeper into his sexual needs more regularly and reliably that didn't necessarily come with all the struggles of navigating the dating world and the very different, albeit connected, matter of finding love.

Moreover, Ethan felt that most people probably felt the same way he did, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, or any other classification. His sexual frustration seemed like a universal one, somehow easily treatable and yet starved for ideas and unable to compete with the seemingly haphazard classification of behaviors as taboo.

As the girl cried out in pleasure and began to suffer an orgasm, Ethan quickly snatched a tissue and stroked furiously in a frantic attempt to sync his climax with hers -- anything to feel that sense of human companionship. Just like that, it was over, the tissue soaked through and through. What had become an intense need for release quickly gave way to waning interest, the laptop closed, and Ethan wandered off to the bathroom to clean up.

This unsatisfying experience somehow lingered in his mind. It remained there through the day, infected his dreams overnight, and woke him up the following morning. Something strange bubbled up inside as he lay there in bed; a glimmer of motivation, a fragment of optimism that somehow felt like it was calling to him from some not-too-distant place where his condition was well-understood.

Ethan opened his laptop again and began searching. He didn't quite know what he was searching for; something local, something risky but not too risky, something that might open a door for him. He'd know it when he found it, even if he'd never encountered anything like it before. The instant recognition came after more than forty-five minutes of reading about kinky events that seemed far beyond anything he could imagine summoning the courage to attend.

There, with a simple mention buried in an online forum, was a link to Self Love Central's web site.

Billed as a "Jack- and Jill-off club," Self Love Central's site was filled with a fair bit of philosophizing about the concept of self-love and theories about erotic expression, all infused with a sense of deep spirituality. A page about the two hosts described them as certified sex therapists and coaches and went into great detail about their qualifications. This made the whole concept feel just legitimate enough for Ethan to read on.

The FAQ section blew Ethan's mind; "what we do" read like something out of his own erotic fantasies, providing a brief glimpse into a world of co-ed mutual masturbation in a "safe and supportive environment" that seemed too good to be true. Still, after scouring the site, reading, and rereading whole sections in an attempt to force himself to take it all seriously, he finally clicked the link to submit a request to take part in the next scheduled event.

As a first-timer, Ethan learned that he would have to attend an initial workshop. It was a guided program, designed to help potential new members of the club wade into the intimidating waters of such an experience gradually and with "compassionate assistance." Ethan nearly chickened out as he completed the request form but it was too late, he was too far committed. Aside from having to confirm that he understood the rules, that he would bring a towel, and agreed to other requirements, he had to answer embarrassing questions like "Are you the owner of a vagina or a penis?" which seemed like an odd way to assess his identity during the signup process.

When he finished, he could only think, "What did I just do? Can I really go through with this? Will it actually deliver on the fantasy I have in my mind?"

There was only one way to find out -- and Ethan wasn't sure how he would make it through the period of anticipation that lay between now and then.

***

The subway car rattled through the tunnels as it sped across a subterranean world beneath the borough of Brooklyn, then rose above ground and clattered onto the elevated rails. Ethan exited in Bushwick and made his way down the stairs to the street, surrounded by mom and pop restaurants with steaming food packed into the windows, wide basketball courts, and a grand tableau of colorful graffiti depicting a local community organizer. Walking along the bright blue row of Citi Bikes, he checked his phone to confirm the location he was headed to.

He came upon the building; a nondescript structure between a beauty salon and a Spanish deli. It appeared to be mixed-use and overtaken for various purposes by younger generations moving into the neighborhood in search of cheaper rent. On the second floor, he found the studio space marked with a large "SLC," prominently indicating the event inside, albeit with obvious discretion.

Ethan took a deep breath and tried the door, swinging it open to reveal a wonderland of yogic serenity that clashed with the working-class feel of the neighborhood that surrounded it. However, it was a welcoming environment, filled with fairy lights, plants, colorful tapestries, and some scented candles beside a little shrine whose decorated goddess remained an alluring mystery.

The moment he entered, a few sets of eyes quickly darted up and assessed his sudden presence. A thin young woman in a tie-dye t-shirt and spandex seemed to study him carefully. She looked like the type one would see at an event like that; a little spiritual tattoo gracing her arm and a shiny stud in one nostril. As nervous as she seemed, Ethan read in her eyes a pleasant, peaceful nature.

Two young men to the woman's left, both seated on cushions, seemed more out of place. One was dressed as if he'd just gotten out of work, despite it being a Saturday morning. The other seemed equally bewildered, occasionally wiping his sweaty palms on a faded pair of jeans. Truthfully, Ethan didn't quite know who to expect would show up at such an event and thought it quite possible that it would draw seekers from all walks of life.

A man and woman emerged from a side room holding two plastic bins. "Here we go," the woman said in a sing-songy voice. She placed the bin down as the man arrived to set his beside it. "Can you get this started? I'll start checking people in," she added.

"Yes, go ahead. I'll take care of it," the man said, his voice tinged with an indistinct European accent of some kind.

The woman waltzed over to the four attendees that had gathered as Ethan finished removing his shoes and leaving them in the small pile by the door. He understood that this was Harmony and that the man she had carried supplies with was Luca, her partner and co-host for the event.

"Hi, guys! We'll just need a few moments to finish setting up and then you can find a spot in the circle. In the meantime, I need to see a form of identification and I'll look you up on the RSVP list."

Harmony floated through the room as if she were some kind of ethereal nature spirit. Her loose-fitting clothing trailed in the air behind her and her long flaxen hair spilled down over her slender shoulders. It wasn't lost on Ethan that the clothes she wore were uniquely suited for quick and easy removal. With a high degree of enthusiasm, Harmony approached each person to process their entry, so Ethan learned that his fellow participants were Piper, Nick, and Jalen. Harmony seemed to be completely oblivious to their anxieties, or at least chose to strategically ignore them.

As more participants arrived, Harmony continued this process, passing around a consent waiver to sign. Meanwhile, Luca was placing objects in the center of the room that carried a great deal of intimidating weight, such as boxes of tissues, hand wipes, and bottles of lube. Ethan soon joined the others in choosing a spot in the room, following others' lead in arranging themselves into a wide circle around Luca's supplies. Instinctively, the girls clung together as the guys made quick effort to sit beside one of them, secretly hoping to be close to a naked girl.

"Oh, let's try to go boy-girl-boy-girl here, but feel free to chose a spot that aligns with the way you identify," Harmony said, briefly distracted from her job of receiving doe-eyed arrivals. Surprised at the gender balance, Ethan wondered if they limited the number of men in attendance. They also seemed interested in gently challenging people to get outside their comfort zones.

The group nervously reshuffled into the requested arrangement as Ethan laid out his towel and took a seat. A curvy Latina approached the slowly-forming circle, standing beside Ethan and searching the area in contemplation. She looked down at him briefly and then placed her towel beside his.

"Hey," Ethan said in a voice so awkwardly quiet he wasn't sure she'd even heard him.

"Hey," the young woman replied, her voice equally reflective of rattled nerves.

After several minutes, Ethan estimated that there were about fifteen to twenty participants gathered there, including Harmony and Luca who had placed their own towels in the circle. They smiled happily at everyone as the last remaining stragglers settled into place, displaying nothing more than a pin-drop silence.

"Okay-- welcome everyone!" Harmony exclaimed cheerfully. "I'm happy to see so many new faces!"

Ethan looked around the room and observed the same relative anxiousness written across the faces of all those who had attended. While that didn't necessarily help him manage his high degree of panic better, he knew he'd feel even worse if he was the only one unnerved by the situation.

Being partially established as a 101 workshop for newbies, Harmony and Luca proceeded to take turns going into detail on a wide range of topics. It started with a philosophical discussion on sexuality which attendees were invited to participate in, though few spoke up. Luca directly addressed the sense of anxiety that everyone felt and extolled a vision of sexuality that was nurturing and transformative. Harmony spoke to the specific challenges of misogyny faced by women and how important it was to her to create safe spaces where they felt comfortable and men had opportunities to learn and grow in their presence.

From there, they began to speak to practical matters involving the activities they were about to engage in together. Ethan's heart rate spiked as they began to talk about the lube that had been provided for anyone who wanted to make use of it, how important hygiene was, especially after the event, and how toys such as dildos and vibrators were most welcome should anyone wish to make use of one that they brought. At times the dialogue was intimidatingly graphic and served as a difficult reminder of the challenge that lay before Ethan as he found himself as scared to proceed as he was aroused by the idea of what was about to take place.

The rules of engagement were more or less what Ethan expected. Towels were to be placed at least six inches apart, participants were allowed, and even encouraged, to observe one another while "engaging in self-love." Respect, however, was the golden rule; no one was to make any gestures or comments to the other attendees, aside from moans or other involuntary expressions of enjoyment. Strict boundaries were in place, allowing for the simple observance of bodies embracing their personal explorations of pleasure. Focused attention should be non-threatening and limited to short durations of time before moving on.

"There are all kinds of bodies here and they're all worth celebrating, so let's try not to make any one person the sole recipient of our attention," Harmony had said. "All of this said, you absolutely do not have to focus your attention on anyone but yourself. Many come here to learn to engage in a simple inward expression of self-love and nothing more -- and that's absolutely a valid intent to bring to this space."

As important as the rules were, Harmony and Luca chose to speed through them quickly and not linger too long on matters that would cause any discomfort or alarm. Instead, they quickly transitioned back to a positive expression about what was to be shared.

"There's nothing wrong with curiosity", Harmony said. "Curiosity is what makes us human. In this space, let's direct our curiosity with a sense of compassion, connecting heart to heart as we explore our sexual inclinations as a group."

Luca went into a surreal description of tantric masturbation, requiring a sense of play and exploration to discover one's preferences. He suggested that everyone proceed slowly and take their time, that they let go of stress, boost a connection with themselves, and dismiss any thoughts about what they "should" be doing in favor of what simply feels right.

The last phase of the opening session involved a group exercise, so Luca instructed everyone to rise in place. The girls were to rotate around the circle clockwise and the guys in the opposite direction, introducing themselves with their first name and chosen pronouns. As they did this, they were to raise their hands into the space between each other, holding them there a few inches apart, establishing how it feels to be in close proximity to someone while also honoring each other's personal space. Ethan found this oddly helpful as he met each of the other participants and attempted to build a sense of trust.

He met a girly young woman named Shannon who seemed equally as enthusiastic as she was on edge. He met Mateo, a soft-spoken guy from the Bronx who had only recently moved to New York City from Mexico. He met Gabe, a young man as visibly confounded by his present surroundings as Ethan was, if not more, and the equally anxious Hailey. He also met the only couple in the room, a bit older than the rest, who seemed the least anxious about the scenario, if anxious at all. Liz, Sebastian, Renata, and Sarah rounded out the rest of the group, along with Jalen, Nick, and Piper he'd met before, each bringing their own unique energy to the circle.

As Harmony and Luca completed the first part of the event, Ethan felt desperate for a drink of water. Fortunately, a break came just in the knick of time.

"Now let's pause for a few minutes. If anyone needs to use the restroom one last time, this is the perfect moment. Otherwise, feel free to grab a snack or some water at the table there; all the items are vegan. After about five or ten minutes, I'll call everyone back to the circle and we will hold our first self-love session together."

With that, Harmony gestured to a small table back toward the entrance to the room. Little by little participants got up to stretch, go to the bathroom, or to head to the snack table. Ethan made his way to the water dispenser and poured some into a small cup, then lingered by the table as others arrived.

"How do I...?" Sarah said, trying to figure out how to get a drink.

"You have to press the little--" Ethan began to say.

"Ah, got it," she replied, pressing a small button to pump water into her cup.

Their voices were filled with nervousness and were careful to not make too much eye contact, aware of what state they were about to see each other in. Ethan began to sink into a state of denial; maybe they would be handed blankets to cover themselves with, maybe the lights would be turned off, maybe they would have to wear blindfolds. Somehow he couldn't imagine that events would unfold in as revealing a manner as he hoped for.

As Nick and Shannon arrived, Shannon took a deep breath before taking a carrot stick and swiping it through a small tub of hummus. "Anyone else scared shitless?" Nick joked, finally breaking the relative silence with a wide grin forming on his face. He seemed a little awkward but with a blunt sense of humor.

Shannon exhaled suddenly and gasped, "Oh my god, seriously..." Sarah smiled quietly at her in recognition.

"I'm still sorta processing everything they just said..." Ethan added, trying to come up with something to add. Shannon's eyes widened and she gave him a heavy, slow nod. Their little group stepped to the side as others arrived to see what was offered on the table.

The few who had gathered together continued their stumbling conversation, each cautiously expressing a sense of anxiety and their thoughts so far. For all his panic, Ethan felt a small twinkle of camaraderie for the first time, hearing from some of the others a feeling that reflected his own. There was, after all, some small sense of security to be obtained by the understanding that the other attendees were equally frightened about getting naked and playing with themselves in direct view of others.