Serena and John: The Conclusion

I slept some more and woke early in the afternoon feeling much better. I fixed myself some coffee and tried to relax. I had to admit I was looking forward to that evening with mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted to see Serena again, just to see her and talk to her. I still loved her and she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me. That hadn't changed. On the other hand, the pain was still fresh in my heart and the anger was close to the surface. I wasn't sure what I was going to do or say.

At 6:45, I left to drive to the restaurant. I was going to be right on time; not early or late. Childish maybe, but I was not above that yet. As it was, the traffic was all going out of Princeton so I had little trouble getting there on time. I parked close by and walked in right at 7:00. I was inordinately proud of that little accomplishment.

I stood just inside the door, looking for her and spotted her almost immediately. She was sitting at a small table close to the window and she was watching me with a smile on her face. I wasn't ready for the jolt that smile gave me. God! She could still do that to me after 25 years. My breath caught in my chest and I had to blink a couple of times before I got myself under control. I smiled back and moved toward her. I used the time to calm myself down.

She rose to greet me and I noticed that she had on the necklace that I had given her for our anniversary. She unconsciously fingered it with one hand as she watched me.

"Hello John. You look great. The sun and the ocean certainly did you some good. I'm not surprised: you needed the time away from work with all its pressure and demands on you. I'm glad you were able to relax."

I waited until she was seated and then sat down across from her. She looked great in a beautiful light green blouse that showed off her beautiful figure. The neckline was low enough to show off the necklace and it lay nestled in her cleavage and gleamed against her flawless skin. She looked poised and graceful and very beautiful. It was hard not to notice the admiring glances from the men around us. I had always been proud to be seen with her and she always looked wonderful.

"Thanks. You're right. I was almost exhausted and the time in St. Croix was just what I needed to catch up on my sleep and find time to just do nothing. You look great yourself. Carrie must be a great cook."

She just smiled at the reference to Carrie. We both knew she couldn't cook water without help. I assumed she had taken over the cooking duties. I watched her face. She seemed relaxed and in control. That was typical of Serena. Beautiful and always in control. In a way, that disappointed me. I had hoped to see her a little more distraught or upset. It would have been good for my ego.

"Well, I won't say Carrie is a great cook but she and Ben have been good to me. I really appreciate the way they took me in without a complaint. Most wives would not have been so generous to their mother in law."

"She is something else. Ben tells me they are working on a little Ben or Carrie but not having too much luck so far."

"They certainly are trying. It's sometimes a little embarrassing when Ben comes home for lunch and they disappear. I try not to notice but you know how that is. I find it rather sweet."

I watched her as she talked about our son and his wife. She was very proud of Ben and she loved Carrie. I knew that they would have been a godsend to her when I left the way I did. Ben was a wonderful son and a good person: he would not have been judgmental towards Serena, in spite of her confession. Once again, I regretted what I did and how I did it. Not cool, as the kids say.

I decided that I should try to bring this discussion back to the point. I found that I didn't want to do that but I resisted the impulse to just ignore it and continue talking to her as if we had no cares in the world other than our family.

"Well, I must admit that I was very surprised to find from George that you hadn't signed the divorce papers. I thought the offer I made to you was more than fair and there was no reason for you to have had to tell Ben and Michael of our problems. Was it the money? Did you want more?"

"The money? Why would you think that? You didn't have any money when you asked me to marry you, but I said yes anyway. We had no money when we decided to have Ben, but we went ahead anyway. We had even less money when Michael came along but we loved him dearly. I was happy to go back to work when the boys were older to help put money aside for their educations, and I never wanted to quit when your parents died and left us that money, but you insisted. Money was never an important part of my life with you John."

All that she said was true. She had never wanted money or the things that money could buy. When she was working, she put aside everything she earned into the savings account we set up for the boys. She never went on spending sprees for herself and when she did spend money, it was on things for the house or for our boys. She was the one that suggested we put the money from my parents into an investment account and forget it was there until we agreed to retire.

"I'm sorry. You're right about that and I should have known better. But, if not the money, why did you move out of the house? You picked it out and you always loved it. You decorated it from top to bottom. It is your house more than mine."

"A house is not a home, John. When we were together, it was our home and I loved it. Now that you have moved out, it is just a house again, lonely, and sad with some very bad memories. Not someplace I want to be any longer. I wanted to sell it but Ben and Michael convinced me to wait. I don't know why."

"OK, I can maybe see that, but then what on earth convinced you to tell Ben and Mike what you did? I would never have gone through with that threat; you must know that."

"I had to tell them because they began to talk about you leaving and it made them angry to think that you would do something like that to me. I couldn't let them think that, so I told them. They heard me out and they forgave me. They hated what I did and they hated what I had done to you and to our family and they had unkind words to say about Bill Collins, but they forgave me. That was the worst thing for me; they forgave me even after I had done something so awful to our family. You can't believe how much that hurt to know that I had done that. It still does."

I watched her face as she told me this. I could see the pain in her eyes as she told me of telling our sons what she had done. Maybe it was worse for her to admit this to them; maybe worse than she felt for doing it to me. These were our children, and they were our life for many years. Losing their love would have been devastating to Serena or to me for that matter.

"Serena, please tell me. If it wasn't the money or the house, and you felt compelled to tell Ben and Mike what you did, than why haven't you signed the divorce papers? What's left?"

"You!"

"What do you mean me?"

"I don't want to be divorced from you John. Not now and not ever. I don't want our marriage to end. I love you and always have. I never stopped even when I was with Bill, and I haven't stopped just because you left me."

"But you know why I left you. You cheated on me and you betrayed our marriage."

"Yes, I did that and I regret it. I made a terrible mistake and I am paying a heavy price for it, as I should. I lost your trust and respect; my children hate what I did; and I hate myself. I admit all of that, but it was a terrible, terrible mistake and I want you to forgive me."

"How can I forgive you for what you did? You hurt me and tore my heart out. You made my life a living hell and it made me do things that I'm not proud of. While I was in St. Croix, I almost did to another man what you and Bill did to me. It wasn't my fault that I didn't. I found out later that she was divorced but I thought at the time she was married, and to a man that I knew. I was willing to take her without a thought about her husband. That's what you made of me."

Serena responded in some anger to that. "No, that is what you let your anger and hurt make of you. I will not take responsibility for that. And remember, you were still married to me when you did that. How could you do that if you were so hurt by what I did? Aren't you being just a little hypocritical? Aren't you blaming me for doing exactly what I did? You're saying, 'She made me do it'. I don't think you can blame me for the things you do in anger.

She paused and then continued. "But if you can stay here and work with me to try to help me understand why I did that to you and to us, I'm sure that your pain and anger will be less than trying to go it alone."

I was glad that she picked a public place for this discussion because I was becoming furious. Not so much with her, but with what she was saying. I knew she was very close to the truth and I had to agree with most of what she said but I wasn't happy about it. As a result, I just sat there without responding. Serena seemed so calm and so cool. How could she be calm? I was furious and she was calm!

"I don't know about any of this. The anger and the pain are still very new and very raw. How can you expect me to just say 'OK, I forgive you'? How can you expect that from me? What you did with Bill Collins is still very much in my head. I can't stop thinking of the two of you together in that room and I can still hear the words that the two of you used with each other. How am I supposed to forget that?"

"You can't forget that as long as you choose to be alone with nothing but your anger and pain. They won't let you forget. And I don't expect you will ever completely forget it. I know I won't. I will remember it every day of my life and I will regret it every day of my life but I have to move ahead. I can't continue to suffer because of what I did. That is over and it will never happen again. I want to move forward with you, but if that's not to be, I'll do it alone."

I looked around the restaurant. No one was paying any attention to us as we played out our little drama. We had ordered only coffee and the waitress was looking our way, waiting to see if we were going to order dinner. I noticed her and shook my head negatively and she turned away. We were effectively alone. I turned back to see Serena watching me and I caught the pain in her eyes before she blocked her emotions again. That took me by surprise since I had assumed that she was the calm one. I expected that since she was the one that had cheated on me and had nothing to hide any longer she would be calmer than I. Apparently that was not the case.

Suddenly I felt a little more in control and in little more cheerful. Misery does love company. As I thought that, I remembered the last time I saw her: in our driveway. She had collapsed to the ground in tears as I drove away and I remember thinking that she finally felt the pain I had been feeling. She showed it again in that one glance.

"I need some time to think about what you've said tonight. I was taken by surprise since I fully expected you to sign the papers without a fight. I see now that I was mistaken and I need to reassess my position. Can we just have dinner and not talk any more about this tonight?"

"If that's what you want. I'm sorry but I don't see why you would have expected me to sign that divorce petition under your conditions. I thought you knew me better than that. If you need time, sure. But if you aren't willing to stay and fight for our marriage, I wish you would tell me now so I can make plans. I have a lot that I'll have to do: find a job and a place to live and that will take some time. I expect to make my own way. I really don't want your money."

I responded finally with the anger that had been building as we talked. I was still hurting but she seemed to be fine: willing to move on with or without me. How could she be so cold and cruel?

"And I don't see how you could have cheated on me and not expected me to do what I did. Why would you think I could just accept your affair and move on? And especially with Bill, my supposed best friend. What on earth allowed you to betray me so easily? How could you throw away 25 years of marriage for that bastard? You had been doing this for months and you shut me out in the bedroom while you were screwing Bill. You're right. Apparently we didn't know each other as well as we thought we did. I sure as hell didn't know you!"

That took Serena by surprise. It was the first time I had let my anger at her affair control what I said. Up to this point, I had talked in general about what she and Bill had done, and the pain and anger it caused, but not directly attacked her. It was almost as though it were something abstract that we were discussing. Now I had brought it to the front and it was as unpleasant as I had thought it would be: for both of us.

I continued in a low voice, trying to bring my anger back in control and not attract unwanted attention. To do this, I leaned across the table and spoke directly to her as calmly as I could.

"You did this to me, first and foremost. You cheated on me with my best friend and you did it willingly and behind my back. You broke your marriage vows to me and to God and you did it more than once. You hadn't stopped when I caught you and I don't know if you ever had any intentions on stopping. I know that the only reason you did stop was that I caught you both."

"I never knew that you were that unhappy. You never came to me to tell me that our marriage was in trouble. I admit that I was preoccupied with work but I had a goal for the both of us and I was working as hard as I could toward that goal. I trusted you to keep our home and marriage and tell me if I was not keeping up my end of the bargain. You chose instead to deny our marriage and me and turn to another man; someone that I trusted almost as much as I trusted you. That's what you're asking me to accept and to move beyond. Don't you see what you did to me? Can't you understand?"

Suddenly, Serena was no longer the one calm, collected and in control. Suddenly she looked lost, and alone, and hurting. It was only now that I unloaded my anger and pain onto her that she knew what I had been feeling. Suddenly, the 'affair' that she had effectively depersonalized, was now coming home to rest on her head. It was not what she had expected and she was not prepared.

Since I walked out on her, she hadn't been forced to confront the effect it had on me. When she told the boys, she only had her feelings to deal with. They would have been angry but supportive and she could minimize the effect of her actions. They probably spoke of my forgiving nature and she began to believe that all she had to do was talk to me and make me forgive her. All would be as it was.

Serena had a stricken look on her face. Her eyes were glistening with the tears that were about to fall and she could only shake her head back and forth, repeating "no, no, no" over and over. She finally choked out some words.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this any more. Please call Ben and let him know when you want to talk again. If you want to talk again. I have to go now."

With that, she got up and almost ran from the restaurant. I watched her go in shock, not realizing immediately the effect my words had on her. Could she really be in the dark about what I was feeling and how I saw her infidelity? Apparently that was the case. I had to think about that. I noticed several people glance my way as they watched Serena leave the restaurant. I signaled the waitress for the check. I might as well go back to the apartment. This was going to be a long night.

After a microwave dinner and a cold beer, I spent that evening deep in thought. I was totally confused now that I had talked with Serena. This was not as simple and straightforward as I had first assumed it to be. I was not the only one hurting. Serena had yet to face the consequences of her actions and my exit after the party had delayed that confrontation. The brief meeting we had at the restaurant tonight had just broken through her carefully constructed block: avoiding my feelings and my reactions.

Now that the block was gone, she had some real thinking to do. Maybe her simple plan to get back together and move on would be left behind. Maybe now she would see that there was nothing simple about it. I went to bed later that night, wondering if and when I should meet with her again. If I did, this time we would have it out, once and for all and we would indeed move on. But alone or together: I didn't know.

I spent some time talking with George Cohen about the divorce and my affairs and I let two days pass before I called Ben to see if he and Michael could meet me for lunch or dinner in the next day or so. Ben was glad to hear from me and said he would talk with Mike and get back to me. He asked if I wanted to talk to mom again but I told him to tell her that I wanted to talk with them first.

We set up a dinner meeting for the next day. We would meet at a place in Trenton that they knew. Ben said it was great for steaks and we made plans for 6:30. Now that I had my Mercedes, I was more comfortable driving around. It had a navigation system so I couldn't get lost.

Dinner was great and we rehashed old times and I got caught up on their family plans. Seems Michael and his wife Julie were thinking of babies as well. We had fun talking about the trying and the fun and the lack of spontaneity. It was a blast talking with my sons about that. I gave them some background on the times when Serena and I were trying, but we really had had no problems at all. Both boys came easily and early on in the trying. As we talked, I felt nothing out of the ordinary and that was a surprise. I think love of family is far removed from the problems of a marriage. It seems to be neutral ground.

"The reason I asked you guys to dinner is that I am having a hard time trying to decide what your mother is doing. She wants me to forgive her and move on but as we talked, I got the distinct impression that she doesn't really understand what she has done. I wanted to ask you what she told you about what happened. I don't want you to break any confidences, but remember, I already know what happened and I actually recorded a number of their phone calls and their meetings so I don't need details. Nothing that happened will be a surprise to me. I really just want to know what she told you."

Mike and Ben looked at each other and Mike nodded to Ben, giving him the go ahead. That was typical; Ben usually took the lead as the older one.

"Mom called Mike and me together two days after you walked out on her. That would be that Sunday, I guess. She asked us to come to the house but wouldn't tell us why. She said she wanted to wait until we were all together to talk."

"I asked her where you were and she said you had gone on a trip somewhere. She wouldn't say any more until we were together. I called Mike and told him to come over as soon as he could and that I was worried by the sound of her voice. He came over right away and together we went to the house."

"Mom was sitting at the kitchen table and she looked like she had been crying a lot. She wasn't even dressed and had on that old ratty robe she wears. The kitchen was full of dirty dishes and nothing had been put away. We thought she had been sick, and we were so shocked at her appearance we were about to call the doctor when she got mad and told us to just sit down and listen. We did and she told us you had left her. Just walked out after the party and she had no idea of where you were or how to reach you. She just started crying again and we had no idea of why."

"Mike and I were angry that you had left her and we started yelling at each other about how to find you and what we were going to tell you when we found you. We were going at it hot and heavy until she slammed her fist down on the table and screamed at us to stop. We were so surprised that we shut up right away. We were more surprised at the anger we saw in her face."